2017 Quotables – Week 12 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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I’m rushing here because I’m early. Week 12 offered a true bounty of highlights/lowlights/sidelights and, without (a) bye week updated to fill this slot; (b) the need to wait for a Ravens/Texans MNF game to provide us with anymore NFL “action”, Quotables is taking the Monday slot this week.

So, uhhhh, after the long weekend I hope everyone is, uhhhhh, fired up to go (checks loading status — only 40%). I was home alone yesterday painting and cooking and, in my passing through the living room, saw about four football plays:

1) The Eagles picked off the Bears then fumbled the return back to Chicago. First and ten, Trubiskys.
2) Blake Bortles completely Blake Bortlesing Out, throwing a pick right at Tyrann Matheiu, ending what should have been the drive to win the game with a FG.

Wait — two. I saw two football plays. Sauce turned out pretty alright though. Gonna take another stab at it tomorrow (checks loading status — 96%). Alright, so here are you Week 12 Quotables!


Starting on a light note, I think it’s great how much his former players like Andy Reid.

The ’17 Eagles are so good that even their bloopers are smart plays.

They may will not win another game ever but the Big Hit Browns are at least fun something to watch!.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before — so a fight breaks out at Raiders game…

I don’t know if there is a good caption for this, I just like the imagery.

Cowboys D is really missing practicing against Zeke.

Michigan residents celebrate drinking water tests coming back with only 300% more lead!

If I were a Falcons fan, I’d post this gif every time we played the Bucs.

Presented without comment.

BONUS FIGHTS: I don’t know, maybe you guys can do something with this.

BONUS G.O.A.T.age!

 

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Senor Weaselo

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“Billie Jean is not my lover…”

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“Ha, got ’em”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Redshirt

We have so much in common.

Redshirt

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So steroids and HGHs are illegal but bending the forces of space and time to your will is acceptable?

Redshirt

or

God: “Jesus H. Christ, You put down the DVR remote and let Me watch the game!”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The NFLPA couldn’t get the players neutral arbitration, health and safety improvements, guaranteed contracts, or even the slightest check on the commissioner’s power, but they made sure that Force-sensitive players can still use their powers once per season – except for Brady; Sith Lords have unlimited dispensation.

Redshirt

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This isn’t a submission; I’m just keep staring at the bearded guy in the glasses who glides forward eyef*cking the camera. Its almost like he was photoshopped into the GIF.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Helllllooooooooo

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s like the murderer from Too Many Cooks got a haircut.

SonOfSpam

That’s an amazing pull.

(- Aaron Rodgers)

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Zay Jones levitation: “I learned this move from some cat named Morpheus during the off-season.”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

In case you don’t know, Marine Corps boot camp shows (or used to show for about a decade) the bank shootout from Heat as an example of tactical urban warfare including Val Kilmer doing a proper combat reload in under seven seconds.

This is going to be shown as how to drag a teammate away from imminent and ongoing danger.

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Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

But according to their ads, Marines run toward the sounds of danger!!!

LemonJello
LemonJello

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This was the moment when Jason Garrett started to make a checklist of things to do once he was fired by Ol’DubbleJ.

/in the distance “YEEEHHaaaWWWwwww, I am FUCKING CRAZY!”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He survived Rob Ryan as DC, he’ll survive this.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“You TAKE THAT BACK! Doktor Zymm IS a real person! SHE IS, I TELL YOU!”

Redshirt

What is Dok Zymm is real and everyone else is a bot?
What if I’m a bot?
Am I real?!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I am a meat popsicle.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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These lucky few were told that they’d no longer have to live in Detroit.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

No way most of them live in Detroit now. Guess which ones.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

White people don’t live in Detroit.

Side note, I don’t consider hipsters to be human beings.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Side note, I don’t consider hipsters to be human beings.

No one does.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Matt Ryan: “Please don’t drop it, please don’t drop it, pleasepleasepleasedontdropit!”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Ted Ginn weeps.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Throwing those penalty flags is a sure way to break up an on-field fight like this. Well done, officiating crew.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Brown on black crime and law enforcement just stands there like nothing happened.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“It’s like he’s mocking me with his ability to reverse time!” – Andy Reid

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Gottdammit! Who leaked footage from Westworld Season 2?

LemonJello
LemonJello

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And for one brief instant, Cthulu took its tendril off the button and the true abilities of TB12 were revealed.

Redshirt

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“Unsportsmanlike Conduct. On the football. 15-yard penalty first down. This is the football’s first offense towards ejection. Another personal foul and it will be replaced with a Nerf Vortex Football.”

Redshirt

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Dr. Forrester went too far showing Joel and the bots a remake of “Street Fighter: The Movie” staring Chargers. Only Boltman outhamming Raul Julia as M. Bison kept their sanity intact.

Redshirt

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Kylie Minogue still has a great ass.

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Can’t stop watching…

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nomonkeyfun

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“Mmmmm, LeSean, these extra few years have made you really tender. I’ll have to have you to my house for dinner soon.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have spent entirely too much time looking at this gif Zapruder-style trying to figure out if that’s 25 (Shady) or 35 (Tolbert) or someone else altogether. 25 makes the most sense but I swear it looks like a 3!

nomonkeyfun

Just after he comes off Reid, you can see a little gap on the first numeral on his chest, jsut as he goes back and to the left.

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http://www.vidiars.com/jfkwatergate/headshot10frm.gif

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s Shady (25).

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LemonJello
LemonJello

I read this in Hannibal Lecter’s voice.

nomonkeyfun

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The one time Suh doesn’t play dirty. SMDH.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Evergreen quote:

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nomonkeyfun

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PJ Williams was shot immediately after this image by an LAPD officer moonlighting as a camera man. When reached for comment Captain Patricia Sandoval said, “Mr. Williams was approaching the off-duty officer in an aggressive manner with what appeared to be a large hand grenade in his hand.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Cowboys gif:

I haven’t seen so many arms reaching for something and missing since the 6 foot rule was made law for CA strip clubs selling alcohol.

nomonkeyfun

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The Spanoi now have a list of players to cut before their first playoff game in their new city.

nomonkeyfun

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The NCAA has fined the University of Detroit $500,000 for this incident. Half of the money will go to Auburn University, so an important footbawwww program won’t suffer. The other half will go to Nick Saban, because.

ballsofsteelandfury

Detroit fans gif:

Hey, ecstasy in the water is better than lead!

ballsofsteelandfury

Saints gif:

Cheerleader: Man, I can’t wait until my shift at the Rhino so I can earn some real money!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That’s not so much funny as a sad commentary on the owners’ parsimony.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey, they probably take more money from Mark Davis at the Rhino than they do at the Coliseum.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Do you think he has his own corner bar seat like he does at P.F. Chiang’s?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I haven’t seen this many excited crazy white people since the Republican convention

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Jeff George would’ve thrown it harder!

Enrico Pallazzo

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Outside of the GOP, no one hates men holding hands more than Peppers.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Still moving down the field better than the Bears

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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“Hey, it’s me, Hippo again. Can I put $200 on the guy without a helmet to win the fight?”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Exactly what I expected from this guy:

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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I haven’t seen a guy pull someone away from a group of hungry bears like that since Fleet Week in San Francisco.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Elaborate meaningless rituals in a half-empty facility? I’ll take “Modern American Religion” for $500, Alex.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Who can Zay no to that?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I haven’t seen something fly right by Tom Brady like that since Gisele commented on how she could really go for a “Gronk sandwich” and he responded by serving her a can of Bud Light between two slices of bread.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Trey Burton was awarded the Medal of Honor for his heroism here. Later on he got into a fight at a Black Panther party after offering to do his Riley Cooper impression.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Coach!”
“Why, if it isn’t ol’Rump Roast, you’re looking delicious…is that Eau de Bacon you’re wearing?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I think at the NFL Combine instead of measuring players arm length they should just see how close they can get to encircling their arms around Andy Reid.

King Hippo

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Hey, Aqib Talib’s sister died from an OG, Crabtree ought be MOAR sensitive ,, smh

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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A Bengals player hasn’t been trucked like that since Chris Henry.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Damn, son, give the other commentists a chance!

Redshirt

/ deletes Vontaze Burfict submission

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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Those cheerleaders backing up in unison, I haven’t seen a bunch of women move like that since Roy Moore reached into his pants to pay for those Girl Scout cookies.