2017 Quotables – Week 13 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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Looks like we’re back to fan action this week. But since some people aren’t watching the NFL anymore, you’re gonna have to go to the SEC to see some real fans. Fortunately, snowflakes wear Zubaz too. I’d like to think the broadcasts return to focusing on fan engagement has something to do with efforts to combat the “excitement for the NFL is dying” narrative that is going around (or, at least, was when I was following the league) but let’s stick with a simpler solution — cold weather means fans are drinking more and, therefore, more entertaining to watch.

[Checks loading status: Only 43%? Shoot, what else we got for ’em?]

Then again, how appropriate would it be that Philadelphia would win the championship in the year that viewership declines by double digits? Like, if the Eagles wins Super Bowl L2, did it really happen? I won’t know — I’ll be watching FoxNews’ 24/7 broadcast of us nuking North Korea.

[How about now: 70%? Close enough.]

So here are your Week 13 Quotables!


Please tell me the NFL Team Shop sells Jets Yamakas.

Robert Kraft calls his attorney to trademark The Patriot Tight End Way.

No way. These chicks dip Grizzly.

Kizer-Vision: Where triple coverage means wide open.

And in this corner, standing at 5’6″ and weighting 165 lbs… the Seattle Scrambler, Ruuuuuuuussell Wiiiiiiiiiiilson!

Presented without comment.

No Quotables season is complete without a Matt Stafford getting blown up gif.

This guy left work early FOR THIS?!

Bonus Submission: Denver Broncos Offense
blaxabbath
blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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King Hippo
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This was the highest Trevor Siemian’s QB rating would be for the day.

King Hippo
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In Noo Yawk?? Now, ah seen everything ,, smgdh

King Hippo
Member

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John Boehner’s angry younger brother. He lifts, bruh.

Beerguyrob
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It’s not Zubaz; she’s had so much to drink her pants turned into an exploded Clear Blue stick.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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Yet another unsolvable murder in Baltimore.

EDIT:

We need more jokes about how a group of Ravens players could properly be called a “Baltimore conspiracy.”

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Murder of Ravens?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

A murder is a group of crows. I really wanted to make that joke, too.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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Common knowledge

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Get it? Because a group of Ravens is called a Common. Eh, you get it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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J-E-W-S…JEWS…JEWS…JEWS!!!

nomonkeyfun
Member

Re: Angry Bengals Fan

“You suck, Wesley Snipes was a much better Willie Mays Hayes.”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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DON’T EAT THAT CHILI! [Stares on in abject horror as he is ignored]

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

in Soviet Russian the chili eats you
/ sorry, IT guy bad joke

monty this seems strange to me
Member

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Dammit you Bengals, I will turn this car around RIGHT now.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

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That snap was IN-COM-PLETE

monty this seems strange to me
Member

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BACK… and to the left.
BACK… and to the left.
BACK… and to the left.

Wakezilla
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Matt Stafford preparing for his post NFl career as a crash test dummy
or
The Detroit Lions: The only thing that gets more blown up than their stadium, is their Quarterback

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Wakezilla
Member

“Someone buy those ladies a drink!”

–Al Franken–

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I’ve seen this before.

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Any Given Sunday:
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So either the Lions O line really sucks or it was sabotage.

nomonkeyfun
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“Even in a western the Indians won sometimes.”

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

NARRATOR: They didn’t.

nomonkeyfun
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“Gronk smash! Gronk smash!”

“Not now Gronk, not now.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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If Siemen falls to the ground but no one’s watching, is it still onanism?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

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PAPA REDSHIRT

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Seriously, this guy is the poster boy Republican.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Mad, Red, but not nude.

Redshirt
Member

No Papashirt, but he would react pretty much the same way.

Wakezilla
Member

John Elway: “For fuck sakes. Time to ask Peyton for Eli’s number.”

or

“We’ve switched Trevor Simian with Ryan Tannenhill. Lets see if anyone notices.”

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nomonkeyfun
Member

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Hi, yes, this is Brandon Beane from the Bills. We think Kizer has what it takes to be a true Bill. What’s that his first name is DeShone? You mean he’s one of those? Oh, never mind, we’ll stick with Peterman then.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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That pass dropped Deshone behind “roll” and in front of “Wilhelm the second” on Hue Jackson’s list of Kaisers he can win with.

monty this seems strange to me
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I truly enjoyed this one, BFC.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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I haven’t seen a Raven knock someone out like that since, well, you know

nomonkeyfun
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I haven’t seen someone from Detroit go down like that since Kim Mathers.

nomonkeyfun
Member

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Detroit hasn’t had a failure like this since the Silverdome implosion.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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In Gronk’s defense, no one ever told him that wasn’t a slip n slide

nomonkeyfun
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“15 yard penalty against Buffalo for roughing the passer.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
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“Get the boat ready!”
-Fred Smoot

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

Looks like they are already have a close and personal relationship with the gravy boat.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Okra’s okra, man

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

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When you’re not sure if that taste is defeat or sadness or hopelessness

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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“Better not let the front office how badly I need a drink”

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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And the Donald Trump-Robert Kraft relationship deepens

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

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The unblinking dude at the bottom has more signs of life than the Bronco’s offense

ArmedandHammered
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ArmedandHammered

Well, if you blink you will miss the Bronco’s offense.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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Are we SURE he isn’t still a virgin?

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

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far and away the best thing to happen to the Jets this year

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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Mike Shanahan is a Bengals fan now?

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

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Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker’s man.
Bake me a cake as fast as you can
Roll it, pat it, mark it with a “B”
And put it in the oven for baby and me!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

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They’re still making Animorphs?

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

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Kizer has fully assimilated as the rest of his team and the Brown’s fans slowly chant “One of us, One of us, One of us”.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

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So Russel is demonstrating what he last learned at the Ray Rice School of Boxing and Marriage Counseling.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

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“Guess who I am!”
“Ray Rice?”
“No. Guess again.”
“Joe Mixon?”
“Jeeze, what is wrong with you?”

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

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Yep…boxing is dead.

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

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I DEMAND AT LEAST SIX MORE CONCUSSIONS OUT THERE, LADIES!

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

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Jezus, to have to go through life as the least successful Gruden brother.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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“Haley. HALEY! My Vette vs your Camaro. Tonight, out by the railroad yard. FOR PINKS!”

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

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Gronk now has his own version of the Donkey Punch – the Gronkey Punch.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Sorry for my attempt to steal your thunder.

ArmedandHammered
Member
ArmedandHammered

No worries. Kinda writes itself as I am sure if anyone has actually done a Donkey Punch it would be Gronk. Maybe that’s what happened, a flashback to his last Lake Havesu (spelling?) annual spring break.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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You can almost smell the regrets, poor life choices and Monistat-7 through the screen.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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A tight end murdering someone? Definitely the P*triots way!

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

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Hava Bleergh-ila
Hava Bleergh-ila
Hava Bleergh-ila
Au-ta-matic first down!

monty this seems strange to me
Member

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Tre’Davious White: The concussion is bad enough but ending up with an STD too?

monty this seems strange to me
Member

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At least I’m not batshit crazy like my brother.

nomonkeyfun
Member

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I haven’t seen a lion take a shot like this since Cecil.

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