I hope everyone enjoyed the last REAL week of RedZone action, because it truly is the best that life has to offer.  Stay preserved, coked-up RedZone Guy, we are all counting on you.

Everybody shits on #ThePauls (who got their brains beat in by the Bearistocrats!) but the Falcons are just #ThePauls with better players.  They trip over their own dicks every bit as reliably and pitifully.  Drew Brees had to do next to nothing in this game, and really, neither did his stud tailbacks.  They just had to not shoot themselves in the face and let Atlanta do the rest.

Now, Atlanta likely needs to beat the Panthers (at home, but still) next week to get in the playoffs.  Carolina, thanks to their TOTES undeserved home win against the MRSA Men (which sent Rapey Jameis into a hissy fit) has a very small chance to win the division, or even get the 2 seed if the Falcons keep Falconing.  Very likely, they will be the 5 seed.  I am too tired to run all the scenarios.

The P*ts benefitted from a truly absurd replay call v. Buffalo, robbing the Bills of their halftime lead.  Unlike last week, I don’t even begin to understand the basis of this fuckery.  Twas just outright fuckery.  Dion Lewis scored twice, Gronk once, and we all know where this is headed.

Even Week Jaguras stumbled back into some even weekedness…or maybe the Fightin’ Tomsulas are just that good now, especially at home in the Boxcar ™.  That’s 4 in a row, in case anyone is counting (other than our new friend Petronel).  Janene Garafolo made a truly spectacular throw to make it 37-19, and it turned out Santa Clara would need that last score to fight off last-minute BORT comebacking.  This included a really awesome onside kick.  Find it online, if you didn’t see it live.

Dallas got Zeke back this week, and naturally fed him like a workhors….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA nope.  Dan Bailey had an amazeballs first half, then imploded late.  But one’s offense shouldn’t consist of 6 FG attempts, no matter how well that fit my fantasy team’s needs.  And on 1st and goal from the 2…Zeke should get the ball.  That is the kind of error that gets ya a visit from Jerral.

Our intrepid Fuck Lions?  Went into ded Cincinnati and rolled the fuck over.  One can now completely ignore the NFC North.

My beloved Donks managed 11 points in our nation’s capital.  That’s kinda fun?  Captain Dingleberry, playing for a free agency payday, went for 3 scores and almost 300 yards.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! v. Titans was probably the best match of the day, a true back and forth affair.  But Tennessee could not convert a late 4th down attempt, and Gurley Man was able to run out the clock.  The NFL’s presumptive MVP went over 100 rushing and 150 receiving, 276 combined and 2 scores.  Just a fucking beast.  This locks up the NFC West title for LA’s darlings.

On the stinky end, the Shitty Clippers stayed alive (in the Wild Card race) by beating the Jets 14-7.  It was dreadful footballing.  Thank fuck, I believe TN has the tiebreaker advantage.  Bad news, Tits play the Odd Week Jaguras, while Shitty Clippers get the Raiders.  Good news – JAX likely will have nothing to play for and may rest their starters.  STAY TUNED.

Kansas City pounded Miami to clinch the AFC West and a first round loss to probably Baltimore.  Hooray, you.

Last and 100% least, AZ shut out Los Gigantes 23-zip, in what had to be one of the saddest things on teevee other than Old Yeller getting put down.  Try not to think about that analogy too hard, Elisha.

Merry Shitsmas, y’all.  Enjoy today’s doubleheader.