Your “Oh My, You’ve Got Such A Big… Slate” NFL Football Open Thread

I guess the only advantage of not having a Thursday, Sunday Nighter and Monday game is that we get a corn of copia of nine, count ’em, nine games! So what if some aren’t relevant? This presupposes that some week 5 clash involving the Giants or Browns was relevant and we all of us know that isn’t the case, right? TO THE GAMES!

Carolina/Atlanta:

The Falcons are facing the old “Win and You’re in Like Flynn or Gunga Din” scenario. They’ll be side-eyeing the Seattle tilt.

Kansas City/Denver:

Denver hc Joseph spun the “Wheel of QB Futility” and it came up Paxton Lynch. On the other side, coach Reid, locked into the 4 spot seeding-wise, has decided to have a wee looky-loo at Patty Mahomes II: Undermining The Starter Boogaloo. When starter Smith first heard the news he threw a tantrum that traveled all of six yards through the air.

Jacksonville/Tennessee:

Win or lose the Jags are hosting a wildcard game next week. The most likely situation is that this tilt is the first of a home-and-home between these two.

San Fran/LA Rams:

I’m going out on a limb-the 9’ers are the best 5 win team in the league right now. The Rams plan is to sit anyone that matters because they got themselves the division title. Jeff Fisher must be so proud.

Buffalo/Miami:

The Bills need to win and 3/4’s of the AFC to lose so that they can taste the playoffs. It was a valiant try.

Oakland/LA Chargers:

The LawnClippers need to win and the Eiffel Tower has to contract herpes in order for the former to do the playoff jig.

Arizona/Seattle:

Here we go again. The Seahawks must win. Difficulty: the Cards have won the last two in Seattle.

New Orleans/Tampa Bay:

11-4 meets 4-11. How’s that for a hot take?

Cincinnati/Baltimore:

The Ravens need the win just like everyone else. They’ll find the Bengals very accommodating.

Push those letters!

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

“Top 10 Nuclear Bomb Scenes in Movies”

My Youtube history is a bizarre collection of Simpsons, cursing, fight scene, and apocalypse compilations. Oh, and models like the Love Advent stuff. Speaking of which, as much as I like Karlie Kloss, today’s is disappointing.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I mean … This was Friday’s.

litre_cola
Member

The Bond one with Roger Moore and the Navy guys was pretty damn good.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Did tWBS almost just almost get in a fight? Yes other tWBS…yes he did.

Hippo’s policy of fuck all things public still stands. Then again, this many redneck in one place at one time?

Yeah ok, my bad.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

You have to go full split personality like Norton in Fight Club. Have one forearm across your chest “holding you back” as you argue back and forth about whether kicking some guy’s ass is worth it. That’ll scare off most people.

Of course, it’s the ones you don’t scare off that are going to kill you if you do that.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

True.

I’m outnumbered atm. I’ll pick ’em off in the parking lot later.

I shoulda brought more vodka.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Opening act sucks, btw.

King Hippo
Member

Leaving the house is BAD and it’s ur fault teh Ratbirds lost

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Just make up the sofa. Imma need to leave here early, possibly with police “escort”.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Seriously…Imma punch this guy.

litre_cola
Member

Hi commentists. What did I miss?

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

“How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?”

Redshirt
Member

Buffalo and Baltimore are burning for different reasons.

litre_cola
Member

I did have the Bengals game on in the background of the plumbing and that ending was perfect for Lewis to say goodbye.

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Stores across Duval county are ordering folding tables for the influx of Bills fans

Charge of the Light Brigade
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Charge of the Light Brigade

“Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!” he said.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

God, I can’t believe I was such a war/military nerd for so long. That shit is pure insanity.

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

I got $500 riding on the Light Brigade and they better win

Spur
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Spur

RAMMITT vs KC or Viks vs anyone would be ok. I think the Viks could beat up the Pats or Steelers.

yeah right
Member

Fuck I hope so. The D is stout just no margin for error.

herodotus450
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herodotus450

Another dirty play from Crosby? I think he’s earned the right to drop the ‘r’ and be a Cosby.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Is he slipping drugs in the opposing defensemen’s water bottles?

herodotus450
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herodotus450

Water bottle hijinks are soooo last season
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ker7j8ygZlI#t=40
Not penalized by the way, and pens scored on the play.
They were up 4-0 at the time though.

Redshirt
Member

Play-by-Play Commentator: “Cosby forcing the opponent into the glass, bends over him and…OH, MY GOD! NO! NO! NO!”
Color Commentator “Is this a Major Penalty or a Misconduct Penalty?”

Wakezilla
Member

Syd is a prince and is allowed to get away with whatever he pleases because the NHL doesn’t protect him or players like him enough.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Tomorrow’s Hippo’s Instant Thoughts:

“Yo, shit’s all fucked up.”

Redshirt
Member

“Buffalo played the Hidden Immunity Idol, blindsiding Baltimore.”

Spur
Member
Spur

Crap, just realized Steelers v Eagles SB has a chance of happening. GROSS

Gratliff
Member

Going to spend the night watching indie wrestling and making jokes about it on Twitter because I am not a huge nerd with no social life.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
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herodotus450

Murray not present on that one.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Folks. I just had the craziest idea:

A Super Bowl featuring the Vikings and Bills.

SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE!

Redshirt
Member

If the Bills gets past Patriots and Steelers back-to-back, they deserve to host the Super Bowl.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

If they do that, they deserve to be given the keys to the country so they can run shit forever, because they are obviously touched by God.

Charge of the Light Brigade
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Charge of the Light Brigade

I got a Vikings fan I work with and we’ve been joking about this for years.

King Hippo
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Schedule just announced – Tinseltown/RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! gets the spotlight dance, Saturday night primetime. Balls, you gonna be there or BE SQUARE??

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Let’s go to the satellite view of JJFo—

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… And Balmer’s toast.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

The combined winning percentage of the teams Baltimore beat this year is .299. Only the Colts were worse.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The brownies drop that down just a smidge.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

The best strength of victory? The Dolphins at .531 who are the only team to have an aggregate opponent winning percentage over .500.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Browns; 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Just typing that made me snicker.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Mmmm, Snickers. Oh, now that would be a commercial.

Nondescript white guy 1: “You turn into a loser when you’re hungry. Have a Snickers.”

Hue Jackson fucks up taking a bite, but eventually it gets into his mouth.

Nondescript white guy 1: “Better?”

Nondescript white guy 2: “Yeah.”

Redshirt
Member

I’ll take that win.

Charge of the Light Brigade
Member
Charge of the Light Brigade

You and me both.

King Hippo
Member

Marv even had a successful challenge. Enjoy that victory cigar, Coach. You really weren’t as bad as the shit we gave you (your front office is kinda poo).

Redshirt
Member

His problem (not Halftime Adjusting) almost cost him the game. Thankfully, the Bengals and Ravens bailed him out.

Spur
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Spur

but the Steelers never did.
Marv did a good job, before he got there the cupboard was bare.

Redshirt
Member

There was no cupboard. There was simply a wall with brown marks where previous coaches since ’91 threw shit against it to see what stuck.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

That big one is the Icky Shuffle.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Bills vs. Jaguars playoff game.

That’s a real thing, folks.

Mr. Ayo
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Mr. Ayo

See you next year Redzone

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Mmmmmm

Charge of the Light Brigade
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Charge of the Light Brigade

Tonight I am going to die of alcohol poisoning.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

By showing up to DFO, you willed the team to a win. Keep that in mind next week.

Charge of the Light Brigade
Member
Charge of the Light Brigade

I have seen the error of my ways!

Spur
Member
Spur

Good job Bills.

King Hippo
Member

Did Flacco check it down on 4th and 14, with 20 seconds to play? By gum he did!!

herodotus450
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herodotus450

It could’ve worked, remember that one time Ray Rice made it work?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

The Bills, Jags, and Titans in the playoffs seems… off.

Dunstan
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Dunstan

Now grapple with the thought that at least one of them has to reach the second round

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Hellworld

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I’m pondering a Titans-Jags conference championship which would be played in London on a Thursday.

Col. Duke LaCross
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The injury tent injured Canyonero. Irony?

King Hippo
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white ppl ,, amirite??

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Can someone do a courtesy health and welfare check on Redshirt?

theeWeeBabySeamus
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Fuck the Bungles.

Jeebus ratbirds. I mean just wow.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo
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4-yard checkdown. SMRT!

Gratliff
Member

Did that motherfucker just call his injury mid-air?

Viva La Tabula Raza
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Viva La Tabula Raza

Bengals can still fuck this up.

Gratliff
Member

Live look-in at Buffalo fanbase
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WCS
Member

Watch Bawlmar run this back.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Not a chance in hell. But I do appreciate your optimism.

rockingdog
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rockingdog

Circle the Wagons! Bills are in!

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King Hippo
Member

NOBODY CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE TYLER BOYD STANDING IN FOR THE BUFFALO BILLS!!

LemonJello
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LemonJello

Is this the upside-down? Red Rocket Dalton did a good?

Spur
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Spur

Wow BILLS

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Oh shit.

WCS
Member

Buffalo just blew itself up.

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

Someone needs to go back and get a shitload of folding tables!

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

They need to incorporate ladders and cages next season.

Gratliff
Member

LOOOoooooooooooooool Fuck Bawltimore

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

lol Ratbirds

Petronel
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Petronel

WOW Bungles

Mr. Ayo
Member
Mr. Ayo

Del Rio fired!

blaxabbath
Member

Freeing space for Hue Jackson!

King Hippo
Member

SAVE US, BLEERGH!!!

rockingdog
Member
rockingdog

In BLEERGH we trust

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Ok, I’m now recalling I don’t do this from phone. This sucks.

Happy New Year folks.

(Out of vodka…Time foar $8 beers I guess)

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