Your “Oh My, You’ve Got Such A Big… Slate” NFL Football Open Thread

I guess the only advantage of not having a Thursday, Sunday Nighter and Monday game is that we get a corn of copia of nine, count ’em, nine games! So what if some aren’t relevant? This presupposes that some week 5 clash involving the Giants or Browns was relevant and we all of us know that isn’t the case, right? TO THE GAMES!

Carolina/Atlanta:

The Falcons are facing the old “Win and You’re in Like Flynn or Gunga Din” scenario. They’ll be side-eyeing the Seattle tilt.

Kansas City/Denver:

Denver hc Joseph spun the “Wheel of QB Futility” and it came up Paxton Lynch. On the other side, coach Reid, locked into the 4 spot seeding-wise, has decided to have a wee looky-loo at Patty Mahomes II: Undermining The Starter Boogaloo. When starter Smith first heard the news he threw a tantrum that traveled all of six yards through the air.

Jacksonville/Tennessee:

Win or lose the Jags are hosting a wildcard game next week. The most likely situation is that this tilt is the first of a home-and-home between these two.

San Fran/LA Rams:

I’m going out on a limb-the 9’ers are the best 5 win team in the league right now. The Rams plan is to sit anyone that matters because they got themselves the division title. Jeff Fisher must be so proud.

Buffalo/Miami:

The Bills need to win and 3/4’s of the AFC to lose so that they can taste the playoffs. It was a valiant try.

Oakland/LA Chargers:

The LawnClippers need to win and the Eiffel Tower has to contract herpes in order for the former to do the playoff jig.

Arizona/Seattle:

Here we go again. The Seahawks must win. Difficulty: the Cards have won the last two in Seattle.

New Orleans/Tampa Bay:

11-4 meets 4-11. How’s that for a hot take?

Cincinnati/Baltimore:

The Ravens need the win just like everyone else. They’ll find the Bengals very accommodating.

Push those letters!

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King Hippo

NO!!!!! That phallocracy pickerception took my HRTF championship odds down to 83% ,, smgdh

Mr. Ayo

Thoughts and prayers

blaxabbath

Hip is still #blessed.

blaxabbath

In the next three years, I fully expect an NFL team’s Week 17 roster to be worse than their Preseason Week 3 roster.

In response, the NFL will suggest we eliminate preseason weeks 3 & 4 and add four more games to the regular season. And cut the salary cap.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m getting ready for the XFL 2.0

Will there be a XDFO?

blaxabbath

WHERE WE REALLY IGNORE CENSORSHIP AND REALLY START WRITING ABOUT WHY BLACKS AND JEWS HAVE RUINED THE SPORT AND WHY THE HELL CANT WE GROPE THE CHEERLEADERS IF WE PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THESE TICKETS?!

Gratliff

Rule #1 of XDFO: No pics of women more ethnic than Sarah Palin

Gratliff

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LemonJello

/R. Goodell tucks his tumescent boner into his waistband upon reading this

blaxabbath

I was listening to Alan Thicke’s pregnant fathers survival guide on the drive to Tucson yesterday and he mentions Lemon Jello is his writing.

I didn’t even know lemon was an actual Jello flavor.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Every time the Raiders pin someone back on the 1 yard line I get sick to my stomach because I know a touchdown drive is coming up. It might be one play, it might be fourteen plays, but they always seem to fold.

blaxabbath

How do you feel about John Gruden, minority owner, coming?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eh, sure, why not?

blaxabbath

Wow — JDR had a short leash with that organization.

King Hippo

You made the other owners gasp for a moment at the “minority owner” phrase

Charge of the Light Brigade

Is he going to throw? Is he going to run? Is he going to get sacked for -20 yards? Always a mystery!

Mr. Ayo

He’s Schrodinger’s QB. The new Flacco.

Charge of the Light Brigade

He was Flacco’s backup… HOLY SHIT! Everything makes sense now.

blaxabbath

I thought Bortles was gonna take that crown. Maybe Watson in time?

King Hippo

there are few things MOAR fun to recite to oneself than:

Bunches of Funchesses

Go ahead, try it at home.

blaxabbath

theeWeeBabySeamus

I need to stop betting.
I’ll still have $300-ish of house money when the Donks and the Panteras screw me today tho.

Might have to follow Hippo on the Sooner Schooner for the ironic factor tomorrow I guess.

King Hippo

I have a Son of Clem feeling too, though I bet only a buck twenty-five on that (ML +130)

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can see Satan’s boys gang raping teh Jesus on that one.

ballsofsteelandfury

You would have won if you had accepted my bet…

theeWeeBabySeamus

If you call that winning?
Like I need a nekkid balls running around doing my chores.

Spur

DUI
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Mr. Ayo

I’d D her IUD

blaxabbath

I’m gonna go get a little high at the next commercial. And, if NFL broadcasts are the same as always, that commercial will be in about 45 seconds.

King Hippo

Donks avoid the shutout!!

Spur

clam chowder is great on a cold day.

blaxabbath

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Spur
Mr. Ayo

Can we give Jeanine Garrafalo the 2018 MVP award now?

King Hippo

It’s only right

blaxabbath

I’m waiting for Jed York to cut him.

ballsofsteelandfury

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blaxabbath

Screw it. I’ve ben productive this morning and today may very well be the last Cardinals game I ever bother to watch. So let’s RIVE BROG!

King Hippo

Don’t say such heresy. FOOTBAW FOREVER!!!

/unless you’re planning to go on a 5-state killing spree and eat a bullet at the end

blaxabbath

Bun in the oven.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And you want that fetus with the right to bear arms to think his father is a libtard pussy who hates the NFL and America?

Spur

Still want that bullet?

King Hippo

oh you will still watch, you just won’t hear much FOAR the screaming

theeWeeBabySeamus

Here comes Flacco to save the day.

Oh yeah, right. I forgot.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not yet, but give him time.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I can’t believe David Fales is playing in an NFL game right now. Jamarcus Russell’s shame should be deeper than the biggest empty bottle of purple drank.

King Hippo

Raiders fans all over that minor league Lesser Footy ground.

LemonJello

HEY! They’re a PROFESSIONAL GROUNDS KEEPING CREW!

Charge of the Light Brigade

Long time boys! How the hell are ya doin’?

Charge of the Light Brigade

Got a pork tenderloin in the slow cooker and I’m about to watch my team miss the playoffs again! So not too shabby!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Are ya drunk at least?

Charge of the Light Brigade

Probably will be later. No booze in the house currently.

Mr. Ayo

Are you sure you’re in the right place?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Something something Trent Green something something.

Charge of the Light Brigade

I’ll probably run to the store at the half.

theeWeeBabySeamus

We have opposite problems. I have plenty, but gotta drive.

I’ll get you hammered if you drive me around later?

No, wait…..

blaxabbath

I got your tenderloin right here!

::grabs crotch::
:::is exposed on CNN as a victim of #metoo:::
::::apologizes and provides a recipe for crock pot pork tenderloin::::

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a lot of colon exposure in that comment.

Spur

so you’re not a Pats, Steelers and Eagles fan, good.

Charge of the Light Brigade

The Buffalo Bills are my cure for hope and joy.

Gratliff

I’m sorry.

Charge of the Light Brigade

Eh, it’s not so bad, I was predicting 3 wins max at the start of the season.

King Hippo

WELCOME BACK!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eh, you know, still burns when I pee…HOLY SHIT you’re a blast from the past! Welcome back to the #circlejerk

LemonJello

Hi!
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herodotus450

Our’s is not to wonder how we are doin’
Our’s is to comment and drink and get goin’

King Hippo

LOVE the Drake!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

….the Drake of Morristown?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Checking in on HRTF Champeenship one last time…

Holy fucking shit. I seriously cannot believe I lost to you assholes and finished 5th.
smgdh

LemonJello

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Gratliff

It’s shocking how fast Kamara moves for how slow his motion looks

King Hippo

This is a very shrewd footballing observation. Are you sure you’re an Iggles fan??

Gratliff

I am not a "fan" of the Eagles. That's inaccurate. I hate them very much but just want them to win more than anything. It's different.

— joe м (@dr_pizza_MD) May 23, 2017

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

King Hippo

that’s fucking GREAT

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I was thinking the same thing. He looks like Don Beebe should have caught him twice over.

Spur

It’s shocking how Tennessee didn’t let this kid have more touches.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, blax, I hope you’re not hopefully watching the Buzzsaw

King Hippo

Bitchin Kamara! Bitchin Kamara!

/he ran over his neighbours

King Hippo

the tank is TOTES ON in Denver

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I HAVEN’T SEEN AN O’LEARY THAT WIDE OPEN SINCE 1871

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a smrt joke.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I want every team that needs to win to lose. Drew Stanton, AJ McCarron (or whomever), they all need Ws.

King Hippo

Holy merde, BUF coming good so far.

theeWeeBabySeamus

His wife is being held hostage in teh cargo hold I presume?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah she is!!!!!!

Spur

Let Mahomes throw it.

LemonJello

No where is that option on the giant, laminated menu in Andy Reid’s hands.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO Baltimore defense.
smgdh

King Hippo

If MRSA Men win, that RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! v. Saints Wild Card match will be war.

King Hippo

Donks losing would get me to $2,500 fo sho. And put us in position to get a Chubb on, come draft time. WIN WIN!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll only be out $100.
I can live with this.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Broncos can’t catch a slippery Khunt

ballsofsteelandfury

You don’t catch it, son, you eat it.

ballsofsteelandfury

The “crowd” for the Rams makes my cold black heart happy.

King Hippo

everyone saving up FOAR Wild Card tix!!

King Hippo

Janine Garafalo, getting it done. Ain’t a man’s world any MOAR, ppl!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I knew you’d ride Janine (Janeane?) to victory eventually.
I just missed the “exact details” a bit.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What happens if Mahomes is amazeballs today? Riots and mutiny in KC? Beyond the usual scene at Coach Reid’s favorite buffet.

Wakezilla

We get Rob Johnson 2.0 and Buffalo’s curse goes to KC

King Hippo

Fightin’ Tomsulas are 6 point favourites and climbing, for RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! is TOTES tanking in order to face the Iggles.

ballsofsteelandfury

This Raiders home game looks good.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Said no visiting fan in EVAR!!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve actually been to Oakland for a Steelers game. TWICE. And I had a blast.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Way to step on my joke Mr. Fancypants.

Wakezilla

So, Lolphins are going to win today because a loss would only help them.

Are the Bills still alive?

King Hippo

by the thinnest of threads, they need OAK to win, as well as JAX (with no incentive to try)

King Hippo

STAKE update: I am at $2,200, thanks to #ThePauls. I would be at $2,400 if Chi**** had any competence whatsoever. 1/2 point short, my honky ass.

Still have 5 other bets out that can cash outside of the motherlode on Boomer Sooner, so hitting the goal of Even Stevens ($2,500) outside of the BIG GAMBLOR EVENT is on schedule.

Still deciding how aggressive to be with Jaguras and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! come playoff time. Ah believe, tho. At least through Divisional Round.

ballsofsteelandfury

Oooh, can they do a VW 0% REALLY commercial about the Browns?

LemonJello

“Haven’t we atoned enough for our role in WWII?”
-VW Board of Directors

yeah right

SKOL! If Philly plays like they did today the Vikings might just keep playing at home into February.

Fuck yes let’s drink!

King Hippo

you shall be getting RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!

JustStopDude

Browns…

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I really want to drank.
I hate driving sometimes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY THEEWEEBABYSEAMUS I CALL HIM THE CLEVELAND BROWNS OFFENSE CAUSE SUSTAINED DRIVES ARE NOT HIS THING.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, the difference is I’m stayin’ sober foar mine.
Love you Cleveland…stay drunk.

Redshirt

I know we may joke, but Marvin Lewis did good at Cincinnati. He changed the culture and left the franchise light-years better than he found it. The fact that he didn’t have any playoff success and will be known as a failure is tragic.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BTW, any updates on the rumors that Elway is ready to say neigh to a second season for Vance?

King Hippo

tea, I mean APPLE leaves say he might be leaning towards the noose. I mean, new coach, new QB makes some sense

Spur

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Spur

RAAMMMMMIIIITTTTTTTTTT

Sharkbait

We need a boots on the ground for the factory parade
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have Mike Polk Jr.’s email; maybe I’ll beg him to do one for us.

Brick Meathook

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Mr. Ayo

Bernard Fucking Pollard in training

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