Howdy, lizard people, it’s time for another House of Pain with your friendly neighborhood… hold on, I’m getting something in my fake earpiece.

…I’m doing what? Are you sure? Me? Okay, just remember who’s doing it when it becomes a shitshow!

Welp, I’ve got bad news, this isn’t House of Pain, and BattleBots Season 3 still hasn’t come out yet. (What the fuck TV companies, Robot Wars is doing fine on the BBC although it isn’t on BBC America yet, get on this shit ASAP.) Apparently this is Sexy Friday, to be done by yours truly. You know, me, that strapping casanova with all the charms of a modern-day Don Juan (minus the skeeviness of course)? What, stop laughing, I got through writing that sentence without doing it!

Not only that but this is the first TGISF of 2018! Which means this better be a doozy. So let’s see what I can come up with, but first, let’s do a quick rundown of what we did this week, with a segment I’d like to call This Week in DFO. (Also it’s an excuse for me to post “Jet Set” from This Week in Baseball.)

This Week in DFO
• Don T’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve didn’t have Mariah Carey asking for her tea.
• We sang the praises of the Browns Pauls for going 0-16.
• We took a ride on the coaching carousel took a look at the Coach Recycling Center and let the speculation begin!
• Pete Carroll and Litre_Cola debuted new series about conspiracies and quarterbacks, respectively.
• tWBS and Balls took a look at The Big Lebowski.
• Only one thing can possibly outdo HRTN: HRTN! IN! SPAAAAAAAAAAACE! (I think.)

And of course, the usual things, Quotables and Hippo Thoughts keep doing their things, and Balls’ LA Football Beat shows the final quarter of games from all the football teams in the area. And also the Shitty Clippers! And then we also debated the Wild Card games in case you feel tempted by the neon talons of GAMBLOR.

Now, for less important news.

NFL News
Potential drama in Foxboro? An ESPN piece came out last night about a power struggle between Brady, Belichick, and Robert Kraft.

The Bills sent 1440 wings and the assorted accoutrements from Duff’s to the Bengals.
• I’ll have to ask my Bills fan friend which wing place is the Real Famous Original Ray’s.

Ryan Shazier can feel his legs again. His dad hopes and believes he’ll be able to play again.

And lastly, THIS GUY RIGHT HERE, JON GRUDEN, I CALL HIM THE NEW COACH OF THE OAKLAS VEGAS RAIDERS, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE GOT ANNOUNCED AS TODAY.
• He’ll be announced on Tuesday and will be signed to a 10 year deal worth at least $100M. And a possible ownership stake. Yeah, I know, that’s probably insane. Did I say probably? I meant definitely.

Other Sports News
Paul Pierce doesn’t want his jersey retirement night to coincide with the Celtics’ tributes to Isaiah Thomas (the one playing for the Cavs) on his return to Boston.

Okay. So that’s out of the way. Now, I should probably come up with a theme. Not to piggyback off of Balls (phrasing), but since this is the first TGISF of the year, let me go over my resolutions and see if I can come up with anything.

• Practice more. Teaching small children violin after school is a pain in the ass and somehow traffic has gotten worse. But I can’t be so worn out after that I just want to flop on the couch and watch TV. I’ve got a plan for that.
• Finish writing some things. I need to put the finishing touches on a piano trio I’ve been working on, but I need to edit the last movement so the piano part isn’t boring. I also need to edit my violin sonata so pianists don’t murder me when I ask them to play it. Plus I can’t have a sequel/reboot of the anti-Valentine’s concert until it’s ready!
• More shameless plugging! (On proper networks.) Namely, I have two performances from a year or more ago that have not been uploaded to the Youtubes. One of them is because out of the two I don’t know which one is less bad, the other because I think the video’s on the parentals’ computer? I’m not sure, honestly. Point is I need to locate it.

There are less nerdy ones though!

• Find ways to get out more. Similar to the “practice more” one, I have learned that post-graduation in the music world can be a very lonely one. I actually got that advice on a date a while back, the date was very nice but I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere because the girl thought she was too old for me and pretty much told me that. Doing the math (which I can do, and just an estimation), it was probably bunk, but whatcha gonna do? Speaking of…
• Go on more dates than I did in 2017. Because I can’t possibly go on fewer dates than in 2017! (For that number is zero. I went and did things that would be considered date-like excursions with ladies I’d be interested in, but again, none of these were dates.)
• At least try to flirt a little. This will probably not go well. I was acceptable at the now-seemingly-defunct DFO Poker Club because I didn’t have to worry about a poker face, of being calm or anything like that. (And also late enough in the night tWBS would just go all in every hand and I would just pick which hand would be my battleground.) In reality, I do… not have that ability. But it would be one I’d like to be a little better at. As it is now I would say it’s a matter of comfort with the person. On a related note, someone did try to flirt with me this week at a pizzeria, her friends put her up to it. I immediately shot this down, because she was 15 or so, and I’m not a losing Senate candidate from Alabama. Fuck outta here.

So I guess it comes back to re-igniting myself. Or igniting myself in the first place. To be better. Bolder.

No, not that. For me, the way to describe it would be… 2018 needs to be another year where I’m wearing red throughout.

Now we’re getting somewhere!

To give a recap of why red, well… it kinda became my color in my undergrad years. My first recital was a joint undertaking with another friend of mine, and since she would be wearing a blue dress, I decided on a red shirt. And that concert became a breakout of an evening for both of us, but definitely for me. And even though I’ve worn other colors, blue for my junior recital, my dark purple shirt for my senior and for one of my solo performances with orchestra, I’m seemingly at my most fearless and showy in my reds, whether playing or when I realize there’s something I have to do. So without further ado… we have movie sign! I mean theme!

Can they be… wearing a little less red? And fewer celebs and more just plain sexiness? Okay, sure.

As for the gents… well all the red suits look like dumbasses and/or douchebags. But let’s see what we find…

And one last image, cropped for people’s security.

Namely, mine. WHAT, I CAN TRY TO BE SEXY, IT WAS A PART OF THE RESOLUTION AND EVERYTHING!

This is the Mk. II, named such because, well, it’s the second of the red shirts. I still have the Mk. I, the original. Now I only save it for the most special of occasions. It’s a legend, and legends never die.

Now for some music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs

So what’s on tonight? (All times DFO Standard)

NBA: Even if nobody cares because it’s just the same good teams, and my Knicks can’t win on the road.
WAS vs. MEM, 8:30, ESPN

NHL: Even if nobody cares yet because the season goes on forever, but hey, Rangers won the Classic!
PIT vs. NYI, should be in the 2nd by now, TSN

NCAA: Even if St. John’s still sucks.
Wisconsin vs. Rutgers, should be around halftime and Wisconsin should be leading by many, ESPN2
St. Peter’s vs. Iona, also second half-ish, ESPNU
Northwestern vs. Penn State, 7:00, FS1
Wright State vs. Detroit Mercy, 8:00, ESPNU (Detroit Mercy? I thought that was not going to Detroit)
N. Kentucky vs. Oakland, 8:00, ESPN2
Oregon vs. Oregon State, 9:00, FS1 (Woo rivalry hoopsball!)

And then your other regional action that I don’t wanna look up.

So that about wraps it up. I believe tWBS will return next week, and thank goodness, because there’s no fucking way I could do this every week.

Anyway, have at it, and leave your inevitable pitchforks to the side and keep the torches next to me because it’s goddamn cold. Go do the thing!

There will be a new House of Pain eventually, but in the meantime, you should all know that the 6th Annual NYC Hot Sauce Expo will be April 21st and 22nd at the Brooklyn Expo Center. As of now I’m planning to go the 22nd, which is that Sunday. If you are also interested, let me know. Maybe we’ll even make a thing of it! Those Vegas parties have had it all to themselves for too long…