BDD went through his bio and decided it was boring and he’d make up a new one, resulting in this gem of writing:

Derek “Horse Balls” Anderson was born in a Scappoose, Oregon in 1983.

• His father was a world-champion log-roller. His mother was a sassy waitress at a greasy spoon. Derek was conceived in a wheelbarrow.

• Derek’s mother gave birth to him while sliding down a log flume. The afterbirth was fed to a baby ox.

• Derek spent a lot of time as a child at his father’s lumber operation, twice a week fulfilling the duty of “barrel boy”.

• One day while in the barrel, a group of lumberjacks thought it would be a fun prank to stick a horse’s penis in the barrel. So they did. When Derek encountered the horse’s penis, he yelled from the barrel, “Men, if you’re gonna stick a horse’s cock in here, you may as well give me the balls as well.” From there on, he was given the name “Horse Balls,” and he never spent another day in the barrel again.

• He has been show-jumping buffalo since age 5.

• Derek was not known as an overly impressive athlete at Scappoose High School. He wasn’t the cocky sort. Nor was he prone to acts of bravado. He wasn’t even the strongest kid on the team. But what set Derek apart from all the others was his incredible unflappability. Nothing ever seemed to bother him. Ever.

• Not even when his team was losing by 50 points (which it often was).

• Not even during the traditional Scappoose High “Broken Plunger” hazing rituals his freshman year.

• Not even when he clicked on the Lemon Party website by accident.

• Not even when his father chained him to a desk in a drunken rage and attacked his mother, who then shot him dead with the family revolver.

• Teammates dislike playing practical jokes on Derek, because he does not exhibit any visual reaction to things like poop, fireworks, gunshots or cock slaps.

• Nothing has ever fazed Derek Anderson. Some doctors have said that Derek has Asperger’s Syndrome. But I prefer to think of him as the perfect savior for the Browns: quiet, modest, hardworking, and disturbingly poised.

• Derek is the only player on the Browns that likes Kellen Winslow.

• Liz Phair used Derek as her inspiration for the song “Supernova.” Derek’s penis is average-sized, but he does indeed “fuck like a volcano.” And if anyone knows a thing or about getting hollowed out, it’s Liz Phair.

There. I like that better. So three cheers to you, Horse Balls. You’ve made the Browns interesting again, and that’s more than enough.