Ah Seattle, I love this city, sure there is a bunch of hipsters with mismatching clothing so even since Alaska Air lost my bags I can wear the same clothes for days and fit in. That Oakland interview was really strange but I have no fear that I will get the pulse of the Seahawks heading in to this important off season.
Upon arrival i come to the gate at the facility I notice a tinfoil hat poking up from the parking kiosk.
LC – Uh, hello? I am here for DFO for my interview with Russell Wilson.
Pete Carroll – Were you followed? How did you get here? I didn’t even see you approach. Are you the illuminati?
LC – No, can you just direct me to Russell Wilson? My luggage was lost and I am tired.
PC – What kind of shoes are those? Are they made of steel? Can’t have that, no sirree. Want some gum?
I pass by thinking that not making the playoffs has been really hard on Carroll.
PC – Here, take this hat if you are going in there! That way The Pentavirate can’t know your thoughts.
I enter a room with some really bad music playing. Jesus, I am in Seattle and if NBC bumper music has taught me anything this city thrives on 90’s grunge.
ED NOTE – Not including bad music, go find it yourself.
LC – Mr. Wilson? I am here for the interview.
Russell Wilson – Back here buddy just smashing some brews and keeping the concussions away! You can call me Danger.
LC – Not a bloody chance Russ. Is that that snake oil water you are peddling?
RW – You know it, making bank and keeping my brain stable. So you have some questions? Fire away.
LC – First of all, why the hell didn’t you use Doug Baldwin more this season? For crying out loud he was one of my keepers and he was more up and down than the space needle.
RW – Bro, the needle doesn’t go up and down. Are you high?
LC – Well, yeah but it’s ok it is legal here. Speaking of no up and down you do know that men do not have a cervix and therefore your oath of virginity was a scam?
RW – Gotta keep pure, just like this delicious water.
LC – Whatever, why did you guys play so poorly down the stretch?
RW – We killed your Eagles didn’t we?
LC – Well, yeah but Nick Foles. They still are going to the playoffs and you lost to the Cardinals who had a quarterback with a broken leg.
RW – Wouldn’t have broken that leg drinking these nanobubbles.
LC – Answer the question.
RW – Well you see our defense had no real competition this year so they turned on each other. Not to mention that with our turnstile O-line I was running all day. If I didn’t have this delicious concussion averting juice I would not to be as focused as I am.
LC – You haven’t focused on a single thing since I got here.
RW – Did you know that they throw fish at Pike’s Market? I don’t have to wear a helmet there beca
LC – I KNOW! I KNOW! I am not buying any of that stuff. You seem pretty impressionable I am surprised you aren’t on the raw water kick. I will continue, how do you think the offseason will go with you potentially losing most of your defense.
RW – Yeah, I am not really a grunge guy, I love the smooth sounds of Cialis.
LC – Don’t you mean your wife Ciara?
RW – Sure, have you talked to coach yet? He has some real crazy ideas. You know who else had some real crazy ideas?
LC – Jesus?
RW – No, Jimmy Graham, did you know he is a unicorn? Also he was a basketball player in college. A lot of people forget that, but not me because hits to the head don’t affect me at all because
LC – STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
<<<<DOOR FLIES OPEN>>>>
TOM CABLE – DID I HEAR YELLING???? DAMN STRAIGHT I DID! I FEEL YOUR PASSION. SEE LITTLE MAN THIS IS WHAT WE NEED AROUND HERE! CAN YOU PLAY GUARD?
LC – I am 6’2, 200 lbs. I don’t think that would be a good move.
TC- AWW DON’T WORRY OUR GUY THERE FEELS NO PAIN. DID YOU KNOW THAT HE WAS THE QB FOR THE WOLFBADGERS??
RW – Coach, actually I played at 2 colleges.
TC – SEE RIGHT THERE! A TWO SPORT ATHLETE. I TOLD YOU HIS BRAIN WAS INDESTRUCTIBLE!
RW – Yeah, it is due to having a pure body and drinki
LC – Good Lord, give me one of those bottles.
/Pokes a couple holes in it fires on some tinfoil from the recently procured hat.
/Fires up some medicinal.
LC- OK, now I see the use for your snake oil concoction. May I continue?
RW – Want to read some poetry that I ‘wrote’ for Cialis?
LC – No poems, no sonnets, no soliloquies. Her name is Ciara, can we change the music in here? I will stick with Seattle based, but seriously who likes this Macklemore garbage?
LC- With the addition of Dwayne Brown it looks there is steps being taken to protect you however one man does not make a line.
TC – YOU KNOW WHO LIKED LINES? BRIAN BOSWORTH! ONCE HE GOT THAT SWEET AVIA SHOE MONEY HE WAS LIKE ONE OF THEM SNOW MACHINES.
LC – Again, that doesn’t make any sense. Snow machines move in snow, and snow blowers displace the stuff. Are you saying he was a trafficker or that he was like a Hoover?
TC – YEEAAAHHHHHHH, I AM OUTTA HERE, BE SURE YOU BULK UP FOR OTA’S!
LC – You guys recently fired Darrell Bevell and will have a new offensive coordinator, how will this affect your game?
RW – Well all I know is that I would make that slant throw every time, no looking back, just forward.
LC- You really should have given that to Lynch but that is in the past. Speaking of running backs Russ, you had a random running back almost every game, would it help you if you had the same guy or tandem back there every game?
RW – Did you ever see the Ryan brothers on the tandem bike? That was pretty cool, you know what I heard? Bike seats break hymens so never ride them around bears because they can smell it.
LC – This is as bad as the Raiders, I am out of here.