Editor’s Note: Here at DFO, many of us are not satisfied with the Super Bowl matchup. For some of us, this is because we hate both teams at a level that rivals Eli Manning’s hatred of the cooties. For others, our seething hatred of one team is more than enough to overwhelm our relative indifference for the other, leading to a Super Bowl we simply have no interest in watching. As such, we’ve been fantasizing about scenarios that might take place that would prevent the game from being played at all. These are our stories.
The Pentagon, about 6:22 PM local time.
Air Force General: Pilot, you are still on line for the flyover during the National Anthem. Slow to 200 knots in order to properly time your approach.
B-2 Pilot: Roger that.
Meanwhile, in Minneapolis…
PA Announcer: And now, all rise for the presentation of our colors.
While the colors are being presented, a couple of players take a knee.
At the Pentagon, the Air Force General receives a phone call and picks up the phone.
AF General: Hello? Oh, hello sir. Yes. Yes. I understand, yes sir. (He hangs up.) Airman! Is that camera drone weaponized?
Airman (watching the activities via drone cam): Yes sir.
AF General: Good. We have a direct order to neutralize the players kneeling. Arm it and fire when ready.
Back in Minneapolis…
Pink: Oh, say can you see…
The drone fires… and misses its intended target, hitting another player in the knee. He falls onto it in pain.
AF General: Great, now there’s another one. Neutralize them both.
Pink: By the dawn’s early light…
The drone fires… and misses again, hitting another player in the knee, who falls to it.
AF General: Is the drone defective?
Airman: I don’t know, sir, perhaps the TV camera is throwing off its balance?
AF General: Regardless, fire at will until all threats are neutralized!
Pink: What so proudly we hailed…
The drone fires… and misses a third time, this time hitting Rob Gronkowski in the head. He is unaffected.
Pink: At the twilight’s last gleaming?
The drone fire hits one of the people holding the giant flag in the knee. They drop.
Pink: Whose broad stripes and bright stars…
The next shot hits Tom Brady. He falls to a knee. As the camera is on him.
AF General: This is a disaster. Get off that drone, airman! You clearly can’t handle it. (The phone rings again.) Hello? Yes sir, we see what’s going on. …Are you sure, sir? The casualties would be in the tens of thousands, almost all of them innocents. …Okay. I understand, yes sir. Pilot, there has been a change of instructions. Arm your weapons. When you are over the flyover site, release your payload.
B-2 Pilot: But sir!
AF General: That is a direct order. Do you understand?
B-2 Pilot: Yes sir. I understand. Arming.
Pink: …Were so gallantly streaming?
AF General: Fire.
Pink: And the rocket’s red glaaaaare…
B-2 Pilot: Payload released.
Pink: The bombs bursting in…
Fin.
So you’re telling me Roger Goodell, Tom Brady, Robert Kraft, the entire Patriots organization Justin Timberlake, Peter King, Cris Colinsworth and the rest of the sportswriters/media in attendance are gone from this planet, just like that?
Well goddamn, I am a Spanos away from voting Trump 2020!
Uh, flight ops for a B-2 would not be directed from the Pentagon. Would be controlled from Headquarters Global Strike Command, Barksdale AFB, Bossier City, Louisiana; or HQ US Strategic Command, Offutt AFB, Omaha Nebraska.
Source: work for Air Force; hobbies include being a pedantic asshole on occasion.
Bring back SAC
Peace is Our Profession!
Who’d they use as the template arm for that patch, Dr. Doom?
Fister Roboto?
Fister Roboto? I thought that was Balls’ character’s name in the new HRTN.
For the STRATCOM seal, I think you’re right. For the SAC one, I think maybe Ben Grimm. It’s clobberin’ time, Roosky!
Sorry snowflake, those are all branches of the deep state. Gotta be from the Pentagon (unless there are coloreds in there – then we run the entire military out of an unsecured room at Mar A Lago).
You know too much. You can expect a drone strike on your domicile soon.
Artist’s concept:
“General, the only two people left standing are Pink and…some guy in the press area. Wait…I see him now. It’s Mark Schlereth. I’m down to three missiles. How should I distribute?”
Peter King, Peter King, Peter King.
I’m not sure if i like the crazy openings or the actual articles more. Either way, great job
I particularly enjoyed the skycam gun going all Bernard Pollard on Tom Brady.
I pictured it more like this:
Herr Orange Fuhrer orders the deaths of the New England Patriots:
French resistance colors were red, white, and blue. Patriots colors are red, white, and blue. Coincidence?
“Hey, our colors are red white and blue too!”
– Vladimir Putin, idly toying with his Super Bowl ring.
Good god I forgot abut that.
“Not Porto Rico’s though!”
-DJT
Fun Fact! “Porto” is not even a real word in Spanish. Then again, imperialism is not much concerned with linguistics and culture and stuff. And keeping with the pedantic asshole vibe, the real colors of the flag—whose possession could get you several years in jail in the ‘50s:
The US renaming to “Porto Rico” after the Spanish American War is still maddening. Well, quell, dwell, PUErto Rico. Gimme a break.
I approve of this message.
“New England…..[Pinches Air] Patriots.”
Next on Fox News: Why President Trump’s decision to bomb the Super Bowl was more Presidential Than Obama Ordering the Kill on Bin Laden
The fact that the GOP is getting The Memo released and Fox News’ top story is about how Kim Jung Un plays celebs like Rodman and Lester Holt, I think, is a good sign for the Deep State.
Hehehehehehe, that was some funny shit.
Also…
I might have jumped on Pink. You know, just to protect her.
Hitting on Pink would be good for my ego. Sure, I’d still get rejected, but for once I’d be TOO masculine.
“Damn you all to Hell!”
I feel like “Slim Pickens” would have been a good nickname for Jared Goff if he’d continued to throw interceptions at his original rate.