Monday morning, Tampa, FL. A car pulls up into the parking lot at George M. Steinbrenner Field.
Russell Wilson: Well, here I am, first day as a Yankee. (He looks up.) How about that, Dad? We said one day it would be awesome to wear the pinstripes, and sure enough.
(He parks and gets out of the car, goes to wherever he has to report, gets his jersey, his locker…
…and all that jazz, and goes out onto the field.)
Aaron Boone: Russ, right?
Wilson: Yeah, skip. Good to finally be here.
Boone: I know what you mean, spring training’s always a relief. Back on the field and off the basketball court…
Wilson: Football field?
Boone: Depends on the person. For you, the football field. For me, the basketball court. (He looks over into the distance, where Alex Rodriguez is working with a hitter.) Anyway, go stretch, fielding practice is up first, you play 2nd, so DP drills. Hustle, hustle!
A couple minutes later, on a practice field.
Wilson: All right, just like all those other times. Only difference is you’ll be turning two with…
Didi Gregorius: Hey golden football trophy man, what’s up?
Wilson: Golden football trophy man?
Didi: (pulling out a phone… somehow) You know, golden football, trophy, man? (He shows the screen to Russell.) That’s your shoutout emojis for after games.
?
Wilson: Oooooooh okay, like on Twitter. Well I guess I’m doing all right, excited to be here.
Didi: So you ready to do this?
Wilson: With a shortstop like you? Yeah, this is gonna be great.
Coach: All right, Russ, turn two!
A while (and a nanobubble water) later, back at the main field.
Boone: You’re be in BP Group D, with Gary, Giancarlo, Judge, and Bird. Get over there, Judge’s swinging already.
Wilson: Really? That’s gotta be quite a—
The voice of Ken Singleton: Look out! (A line drive whizzes past.)
Boone: Yeah, let’s clear out of here.
At the cage.
Wilson: Wow, I gotta hit after him?
Giancarlo Stanton: It’s a lot of fun to watch, and I don’t want to say it amps me up to do the same, but I’m sure he’d say the same thing. Nice to finally meet you, by the way.
Wilson: You too, big man.
Greg Bird: Welcome to our team. It is traditional in Bird culture to give some sort of welcoming present, so I brought you this bag of sunflower seeds.
Wilson: Thanks! I guess you can this bottle of recovery water, I always keep a bunch near me. It’ll help keep your ankle strong and continuing the mend from last year.
Bird: Yes… it was a challenging season.
Gary Sanchez: I am Gary!
Wilson: Yeah, I know, Gary Sanchez, the Kraken, one of the best catchers in the game. Pleasure to meet you! (He puts his hand out)
Sanchez: (Taking the hand) I am Gary! (The quarterback is bewildered.)
Stanton: Yeah, I’m trying to work on translating him too. I know Didi can figure out what he’s saying easy, I’ll ask him for pointers. And Tanaka too, I’m not sure how that one works though.
They get startled by a loud CRACK as the large man in the cage takes his last swing as a ball flies towards the left field scoreboard.
Wilson: Wow.
Sanchez: (nodding) Él es Gary.
Wilson: You’re right he is. Hey Aaron, how’s your shoulder?
Aaron Judge: Coming along, hopefully I’ll be ready for Opening Day. How’re you doing, Russ?
Wilson: I’m just happy to be here, doing infield drills with Didi, taking BP with you guys. It’s a special environment.
Judge: Yeah, we know it’s not going to be easy, but we have the chance to do something special here, and it’s great to have you with us.
Coach: Hey, quit with the clichés and someone get in here! Wilson, you’re up!
Wilson: All right, guys, wish me luck.
Sanchez: ¡Tú eres Gary!
He actually has a pretty good session and hits his share of homers in front of the big boys.
Judge: …He’s been taking BP, hasn’t he.
Stanton: I’ll say. He just might be the best quarterback playing in spring training right now.
Meanwhile in Port St. Lucie, at Mets camp!
Tim Tebow: What? Oof! (He trips over a sprinkler and sprains his ankle. No, seriously. That actually happened.)
Sandy Alderson, general manager of the Mets: Yeah, he’s definitely going to be on our Major League team someday.
He he DP he he
Moved to the nightly thread.
Well with Nanobubbles he should have no fear leaning in to one. Just get on base Russ! Put your helmet in front of one.
Excellent. I do find it odd that the two quarterbacks playing baseball are both playing for NY teams.
Russell Wilson and…who is the other quarterback?
I haven’t been so amused at the prospect of a member of the Yankees being from an air-faring species since Cory Lidle.
Wow, life as a Mets fan encapsulated in a single post on a football dick joke site.
If you will excuse me, I am just going to hang myself now.
/climbs onto ladder, jumps off.
/rope breaks.
Motherfucker!!!
“Pfft. Amateur.” – Michael Hutchence
No ACL tear? You got off lucky.
not that i ever want to see anyone hurt, but i’d never stop laughing if he got a season ending injury playing baseball.
Well done. Am I the only one that read Bird’s lines in Birdperson’s voice?
Not anymore!
yeah, I was gonnna say Senor Weaselo is really gonna like that “traditional in Bird Culture” reference, then I noticed – DUH – that Weaselo wrote it.
And where were them HRs when you were at NC State, Russ??
/in all serious, NC State still loves the R-Dubs. Our favouite alumnus not named David “Skywalker” Thompson or Rodney “Ice” Monroe, fo sho…
Bird culture?
I initially saw Senator Weaselo as I was skimming down and I’ll be honest that I think New York deserves him instead of Chucklefuck Schumer.
But…is he? Personally I’d pay good money to watch Super Mario beat his ass.
Or even Bradley Chubb…which could happen depending upon how the draft shakes out (please don’t let the Clots take him).