INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

ROGER GOODELL: …and so I handed him a six-game suspension! Ha ha ha ha! Isn’t that hilarious?

PRODUCER: [appearing horrified] I’m not sure that skipping a mandatory league seminar to take your mother to a chemotherapy session really qualifies as…

GOODELL: [sips coffee, interrupts] So we’re good to go?

PRODUCER: [checks wristwatch] Yep, just ten seconds and we’re live. Ready?

GOODELL: Damn skippy.

PRODUCER: [counts it off]

GOODELL: Good afternoon, and welcome to “Request Line”!  I’m Roger Goodell and…[punches talkback button]…hey, are you hearing anything funny going on?

PRODUCER: Um, no your levels look fine.

GOODELL: Oh, good, cause I thought I was catching some static.

PRODUCER: …

GOODELL: Ha ha, get it? Static? Like the way they always give me a hard time at the draft?

PRODUCER: Oh.  Right.  Very amusing.

GOODELL: Okay, so as you know the NFL draft is right around the corner, where dreams are made (and then later ground up into dust and mixed with tears to form a fine paste of CTE and permanent debilitating injuries). Every team is under pressure to make the right choice, and they only have a few minutes to make up their minds.  In honor of that, today’s theme is “On The Clock” – we’re looking for songs about being under the gun, running out of time, having to make a decision, having to hurry. Looks like we’ve got our first caller.  You’ve reached Request Line, what song would you like to hear?

CALLER 1: BOOOOO!

GOODELL: [tries to laugh it off] Ho ho, just like the draft.  What can I play for you?

CALLER 1: BOOOOOO!

GOODELL: Okay, okay, very funny.  What song would you…

CALLER 1: Baba-BOOOOOOOOOOO-ey!

GOODELL: [hangs up] Well, that got old fast.  Let’s try another one.  [punches button]

CALLER 2: Hello?

GOODELL: Hello, you’re on the air.

CALLER 2: Oh, cool!  So I had a question about the theme.

GOODELL: Shoot.

CALLER 2: So when you say “running out of time” do you mean like real time, or fake time?

GOODELL: Fake time?

CALLER 2: Yeah, fake time like that bullshit number you claimed for running the forty.

GOODELL: Hey now…

CALLER 2: YOU’RE A LIAR AND YOUR FORTY TIME IS A FRAUD!

GOODELL: [hangs up] God damn jackasses.

PRODUCER: [punches talkback button] Please don’t swear on the air.

GOODELL: But he just…

PRODUCER: We’re not responsible for the callers.  The FCC only fines us when the deejays do it.

GOODELL: Okay, let’s try this one last time. [punches button] Hello, what can I play for you?

CALLER 3: Oh, hi! So I was hoping I could get in a request for a DOUBLE SHOT.

GOODELL: A double shot?

PRODUCER: It’s when you play two songs in a row – basically two requests.

GOODELL: I don’t know…

CALLER 3: But you haven’t even heard my requests yet!

GOODELL: [glances at the PRODUCER, who nods enthusiastically] All right, let’s hear what you’ve got.

CALLER 3: My first request is for “Out of Touch” by Hall and Oates.

GOODELL: [pleasantly surprised] Yeah…yeah, we can play that.  Sounds good.  And what’s your second request?

CALLER 3: I request that you go fuck yourself.

GOODELL: [hangs up] Why did I even agree to do this?