Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “It’s Tuesday Which Means…At Least It’s not Monday????” Tuesday Evening Open Thread – August 14, 2018
- Your “The Pre-Season Zombie-Like Apathy Is Palpable” Sunday Evening Open Thread – August 12, 2018
- Your “Hey, It’s Saturday Night So Let’s At Least Act Like We Care” Saturday Evening Open Thread – August 4, 2018
[Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino, Citizens Kitchen and Bar, 3:41am]
Balls, Vanessa, Leticia and tWBS all sit together at a table, eating.
Balls (to Vanessa): How are the pancakes?
Vanessa: They’re great! You want a bite?
Balls: No. I’m good with my California Omelette. This Pico de Gallo is amazing…
Balls (to Leticia): How’s the Denver?
Leticia: Oh. My. God. It’s sooooooo good. (to tWBS) … How’s the Greek?
tWBS: If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not talk about “Greek” right now.
Balls (giggling): Well you’re the one who ordered it.
Vanessa and Leticia both stifle laughter.
tWBS: I’ll never get that image out of my head, man. That pink dildo, just kinda sitting there. Half in and half out. And that sphincter trying its best to…to…. Oh the humanity.
Balls, Vanessa and Leticia all burst into laughter. tWBS still looks traumatized. He signals their waitress…
tWBS: Hey, could I get a shot of Grey Goose over here please???
Balls: Dude, it’s like not even 4 in the morning.
tWBS: Good point. (to Waitress) … Make that two shots. And a beer too.
Vanessa (eating pancakes): I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean Balls and I were using that same strap on earlier and….
tWBS: Nah nah nah nah nah I can’t hear you!!!!!!
Balls, Vanessa and Leticia all burst into laughter again.
Leticia: But just so we’re clear… Those guys are kinda your bosses….?
Balls and tWBS (in unison): Yes.
Vanessa: But you didn’t set this up?
Balls and tWBS (in unison): No.
Leticia: But now, they’re….?
Balls and tWBS (in unison): Yes.
Vanessa: And this is because of trying to get your little show made?
Balls and tWBS (in unison): Yes.
Leticia: So what happens now? I mean, there’s an assload of pornstars up there.
Balls and tWBS look at one another. Both shrug.
tWBS: I’m kinda curious about that myself.
Balls: Just relax. It’ll all be…
Maestro: …Fiiiiine. Then just tell them that those two guys are on their way to Vegas to kill them, they’re probably a coupla days away, eh. They need to get out of there fast and hole up somewhere before they get there. And we’re in pursuit. And we’ll keep them updated if anything changes. And oh yeah, eh. Tell ’em that Rob is coming too. And we’ll meet up with him and roll into town soon. And that…..
Litre: That’s still too many words, man. It’s a telegram, not a text message. And the online thing will only take a certain length.
Maestro: So kinda like my girlfriend?
Maestro: It was a joke. Never mind. OK then, just tell them…
Manuel: …We’ll be there soon, baby.
Manuel and Luis are still cuddling in the back seat while Brad drives.
Luis: I know. I can’t wait, snookums. It really was a great idea to bring Brad along. I can’t believe we’ve made as good of time as we have since he took over the driving.
Manuel: Well, that’s not all he took over.
Luis: Hey!!!! You just remember who you belong to.
Manuel: No need to worry, my sweet.
The trio of Manuel, Luis and now also Brad, roll through the Border Crossing from Alberta into Sweet Grass, Montana. They continue to roll south along the 15, headed for Vegas and making very good time.
Luis: We should be there by this time tomorrow. Do you think I should call Leticia again and set up the meet so we can get them separated?
Manuel: No. Let’s wait until we’re closer. If they get suspicious, they could end up taking off and then we’ll miss out.
Luis: But we are going to the Liberace Museum after, right?
Manuel: Anything for you, my sweet.
Luis: You’re amazing. It makes me so happy when….
Riga: …your ball’s in my mouth. You ready?
Lambeau has been chasing, retrieving and dropping his ball at Riga’s feet for what seems like an eternity. They’ve been playing this game for hours, but he’s still not bored.
Riga: *sigh* OK. But this is the last time.
Riga once again slings Lambeau’s ball to the back of the van. Once again, he tumbles over the back of the seat to retrieve it.
BeerGuyRob: What the hell are you guys doing back there, eh?
BeerGuyRob stares into the rearview mirror. Riga sits still, looking regal and innocent. Just then, Lambeau comes bounding back over the back of the seat, ball in mouth.
BGR: Lambeau!!!! Settle down!!!!
Lambeau (to Riga while dropping the ball again): What the hell did I do???
Riga (picking up ball and slinging it to the back of the van again): Hehehehe, nothing. Here, go get it!!!!!
Lambeau tumbles over the seat yet again in pursuit of the ball.
BGR: Alright you two!!! Don’t make me…
Leticia: …beat the hell out of you.
Balls, Vanessa, Letica and tWBS have finished their breakfast and are now walking around the nearly deserted casino floor.
tWBS: What????? I’m just saying we’ve got some time to kill for another hour or so before meeting Blair Williams. The casino floor is quiet, not crowded. Look at all those empty Black Jack tables.
Leticia says nothing, but picks up her pace and walks away from the other three.
Balls: Dude, maybe lay off her about it?
tWBS: You don’t get it. She’s a freaking Black Jack savant. She’s only scared because of the time she got accused of counting cards. Which just so happened to have happened here in this casino.
Balls: Did they put her in the book?
tWBS: Who the fuck cares? That’s what I’m trying to get her to understand. She wasn’t cheating, even if she was counting. You can count into four decks? That’s skill, not cheating. But now she still won’t ever play again.
tWBS: She dealt Black Jack in Monterrey to put herself through school. Down there, getting accused of counting can get you in a lot of shit. Life or death shit, sometimes. The look on her face when they accused her of counting here? And then they even accused me of signaling her? She was scared. I tried to tell her this isn’t Monterrey and there’s really nothing they can do other than close the game. But it embarrassed her. Traumatized her, even.
Balls: Then just leave her alone about it.
tWBS: Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s not worth….
Vanessa: Holy shit.
Vanessa points to a Black Jack table about 50 feet away. Leticia has taken a seat alongside two other players.
tWBS (running): Oh fuck.
tWBS arrives at the table and pulls Leticia from her seat.
Leticia: WTF are you doing? This was your idea, remember?
tWBS: Yes, and I’m sorry. You don’t have to do this.
Leticia (looking at the table): I think I want to, though.
tWBS: That’s fine, if you want to. Great even. But don’t do this just because I’m being an asshole about it. I’ve been screwing with you, and I’m sorry.
Leticia: Yes, I want to.
tWBS: You know there’s nothing to be afraid of, right? That was years ago and they were trying to tilt you because you were winning. Because you were kicking their ass and they were afraid of you. Because you are the most awesomest badass Chica Bella on the planet. You get that, right?
Leticia: I love you.
tWBS smiles while pulling out his wallet and removing a stack of bills. He hands them to Leticia.
tWBS: I love you too, baby. Go kick some ass.
Leticia wraps her arms around tWBS and hugs him. When she finally lets go….she slaps him across the face….HARD!!!!!
tWBS (giggling): OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!
Leticia laughs, but says nothing. She turns back to the Black Jack table, takes a seat, and cashes herself in.
Balls and Vanessa have been standing off to the side. When Leticia sits, they both approach tWBS.
Balls: Everything OK?
tWBS: Yep. Absolutely great, I think. But just watch. You’re not gonna believe this….
Maestro: What’s wrong, eh?
Litre: Did you pay your phone bill, eh?
Maestro: Of course I did.
Litre: Well, I guess cell service in Montana just sucks then. I can’t get this telegram to send.
Maestro: OK, no worries, eh? We’ll be to Great Falls and then Helena in a coupla hours. We’ll try again then. If that doesn’t work, Butte should.
Litre: Cool, man. Still hungry?
Maestro: Yeah, I really am. But we can’t afford to stop right now.
Litre: No worries. Here, have another brownie, man.
Maestro: Ahhhh, sweet!!!! Those things are…
Jenny: …absolutely horrible!!!!!
Dave: Well yeah, Amarillo is quite boring. But I don’t know about horrible.
Jim: It’s pretty fucking horrible, dude.
Dave: OK, it is. Admittedly. But it has good memories for me and one of my people.
Jenny: Really? Why?
Dave (giggling): Well, two summers ago we were driving cross country. My person wanted to get to California as quickly as possible. We overnighted in Amarillo, then took off again the next morning at first light, headed west.
Jenny: Oooooh, that sounds exciting.
Dave: Yeah, except my dumbass person didn’t want to get caught up in rush hour traffic in Amarillo just to gas me up before leaving town headed west toward New Mexico. So he decided to just go ahead and head west, planning to stop and get gas once out of town.
Jim: So? That seems reasonable.
Dave: Yeah, until you know there are absolutely NO gas stations between Amarillo, Texas and the New Mexico state line.
Jenny: Oh shit.
Jim (giggling): So then what happened?
Dave: Once we fully realized our predicament, we were already more than halfway to New Mexico. At that point there was no point to turn around and go back. So we drove and prayed. Eventually, we rolled across the state line and into the New Mexico State Welcome Center on little more than fumes. The nice lady there told us the next gas was about a mile further along, but she’d come pick us up with a gas can if we didn’t make it. But we made it, just barely.
Jenny: Oh wow. That’s hilarious.
Jim (giggling): Wow, he really is a dumbass.
Dave: Yes he is. But he’s my dumbass.
To Be Continued….