Special April edition!  With Lamar! looking like a very confused, out-of-place Notre Dame mascot imitator.  And #ThePauls being #ThePauls.  Thank heavenly Jeebus Tittyfuck for that.

So let’s start with the losers of Round 1.  Snap judgments, since we obviously ain’t seen these cats play at the NFL level, and I’m still pretty high.  But fuck everything, #ThePauls.  Tiny Hands/Sex Cannon Redux as the #1 overall pick?  Then you follow that up with an undersized CB (in a draft chock-full of corners) projected to go in the 8-12 range at #4?  I guess they really were pissed off about Buffalo refusing to trade both their #1 picks for one of the Joshes.

I also don’t care for what the Pokes did at #19, going with the uber-white Leighton Vander esch outta Boise.  Kid is a very polarizing player, but the last thing Dallas needs is another LB they can’t count on to remain gameday-active.  With roster limits being what they are, this is not a numbers game you can realistically expect to win.  I am also maybe a little biased here, as I have chronic cervical disc issues.  Professional football tackler with this merde?  Ninja, please.

Seattle traded down from 18, which made sense given that no tackles would be available that wouldn’t be severe reaches (kinda like.  And interior OL is very deep.  Then they go and select another vanity player at 27, a return man/situational tailback that most had a late 2nd/early 3rd round grade on.  SeaTruthers just can’t help themselves, can they?  I get that this is a copycat league, and everyone now wants their own Bitchin’ Kamara, but come on…

The Panthers made a typical Marty Hurney wet fart pick.  Flashy one-year wonder from Maryland (who maybe can’t run routes and just does playground stuff down 5 scores) over a solid player like Bama’s Calvin Ridley.  This franchise is in a lot of trouble until it fixes its ownership mess.

Buffalo deserves their own category.  They held firm to their own valuation, and despite their bevy of picks in the first 2 rounds…moved up to 7 without overpaying, with only Darnold and Mayfield  off the board.  But then they passed up Chosen Rosen, one of the 2 best players in the draft, for a project who hasn’t even figured out basic footwork yet.  Morons.  But then they moved up to 16 and made a great selection in VPI’s Tremaine Edmunds.  So they done great, awful, great again.  That said…QB is very much a limiting reagent.  Hard lesson coming right up.

N’Awlins is similar, in that they were an outlier as the only team to pay a serious price to trade up in the 1st.  But they went up 13 slots, and gave up their 1st next season to do so (not 2018 assets).  And they did so to get the last “top 10 talent” pass rusher on the board, with a steep drop-off afterward.  Their salary cap situation is awful, making such an “all in” move for 2018 defensible.  So, I can’t say that I hate it – it’s quite interesting.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner?  These won’t be surprising in the least.

Donks WOO!!!!!  Holy merde, I couldn’t be more excited that beloved Wolfpacker and general badass Bradley Chubb fell to #5.  All day, rumours spread like wildfire that Our Equine Lord and Saviour had fallen in love with Brokeback Racialist QB.  Fortunately, this turned out not to be the case, and the plan was always Mayfield, Darnold, Chubb, or trade back.  Denver would have traded with Buffalo had #ThePauls drafted Chubb, as everyone (Elway included) expected.  Paired with noted hipster/chicken farmer Von Miller, the Donks have a pass rush designed to terrorize the AFC West for years to come.  Tis a great foundation.  FUN FACT!  Denver already has TE Jake Butt on the roster, so you could see a Chubb jersey next to a Butt jersey in the crowd next year.  Hee hee.

Arizona traded almost nothing to move up from #15 to #10, and took the co-best player overall in the Draft (with Chubb), Josh Rosen.  An absolute steal for a franchise who needs a young QB that is ready to play early (given that Crazy Eyez Bradford is mostly ded).  This franchise is well-positioned to rebuild as the guard changes in the NFC power structure.

Speaking of such, how about the nice value picks at #8 and #9 by the Bearistocrats! and Fightin’ Tomsulas, respectively?  I really like the direction of these two franchises, in terms of progressive leadership and vastly improved rosters.  The McGlinchey pick in particular totally fucked the Raiders up, but pre-Vegas at least traded back, picked up a 3rd which they flipped for Martavis Bryant (a fantastic move keeping them off the naughty list).

Sherman’s Ashes also made great work of Hurney’s error, scooping up Ridley to play alongside Julio Jones.  Should make fantasy enthusiasts quite happy!

Apologies to all the silliness I failed to cover, but I am fucking tired.  Rounds 2 and 3 are where fortunes are truly made and lost, so make sure and tune in for that.