Voice over: “It’s time to play…The NFL Dating Game!

Now Let’s welcome the host of our show…The Ghost of Jim Lange!”

[audience applause]

Ghost of Jim Lange: “Hi Everybody! Welcome back to our show! We’ve got a great contestant lined up today and three handsome available NFL bachelors just waiting for their chance to date today’s contestant.

“Let’s go ahead and introduce you to today’s contestant. She’s a licensed oncologist and also works part time as a host at Tokyo Medieval Times. Everyone say hello to Niko Koharu!”

[door flies open]

Niko: “Hi Everyone! It’s so nice to be here! I am so excited!”

GJL: “And we’re delighted to have you, Niko. I hope you like your men a little rough and tumble, a little larger than life because we have some real specimens for you today!”

Niko: “Oh that is sooo great! I am such a small and petite person. I need a big strong man to help watch over me and take care of me!”

[Niko claps hands delightedly]

GJL: “Well in that case let’s get this started, Niko because HERE THEY ARE!”

[stage rotates on angle]

GJL: “Bachelor number one hails from Tennessee and prefers to be called by his nickname ‘The Kraken’! Say hello to our contestant, Bachelor #1.”

Greg Hardy: “Hey, baby! Hope you’re looking for a real fling, cuz I’m gonna be flingin’ shit!”

Niko: “giggles.”

GJL: “Bachelor #2 is a veteran player who hails from Upstate New York. Say ‘hello’ to Niko, Bachelor #2.”

Ray Rice: “A very pleasant good evening, Niko. I hope that everything is well for you this evening.”

Niko: giggles “Oh my yes!”

GJL: “And finally Bachelor number three comes from Illinois and was almost named Rookie of the Year! Say ‘Hi’ to Niko, Bachelor #3!”

Zeke: “I hope you got a big ass!”

Niko: giggles. “Oh, he’s funny! I like funny!”

Zeke: “I can get all funny up in that ass if you know what I’m sayin’.”

[Hardy and Rice both give Zeke a slight stink eye look]

GJL: “Niko, if you’re ready, it’s time to play the NFL Dating Game! You may ask your first question.”

Niko: “Bachelor #2. For our first date I want to go someplace with some action. Maybe a little risk with some high stakes involved. Where would you take me?”

Rice: “Well, Niko. I don’t want to sound like a wet blanket but my idea of fun is going somewhere educational or even inspirational. Perhaps an art gallery or a museum or maybe the symphony. I always want to be expanding my educational horizons and I try to stay as far away from ‘dangerous’ or ‘risky’ places whenever possible.”

Niko: “Oh. Bachelor number one. I like action movies because I like action and lots of big noises and explosions. Describe your perfect explosion.”

Hardy: “Explosions? Say baby do you like guns?”

Ray Rice: under his breath so only Greg Hardy can here: “Ixnay on the uns-gay.”

Hardy: “The fuck you calling gay, motherfucker? I will drag your ass to an elevator and…”

Ray Rice gives Hardy a slight “no no no” hand waive.

Hardy: “The fuck you tryin’ to say?”

Niko: “I’m not sure I understand Bachelor Number one, let me try again. Bachelor Number One, I really like futons. If you had me all alone what would you do to me on your futon?”

Ray Rice makes another hand gesture to Hardy as if to say “See! That’s what I’m taking about.”

Greg Hardy: “Motherfuckers. MOTHERFUCKERS!”

Niko: “Sorry Bachelor Number One I still don’t understand. Bachelor number three what’s the most important thing your mother ever taught you?”

Zeke: “Ham.”

Niko: “Did you say ‘ham’?”

Zeke: “I like ham. Can I see your titties?”

Niko: giggles “You’re silly Number three. Bachelor number two, same question. The most important thing your mother ever taught you?”

Rice: “My mother always taught me to treat women with respect and dignity. To never lash out violently and to consider all possible resolutions before resorting to violence.”

Niko: “That’s sweet…”

Rice: “And to be contrite as necessary. Accept discipline with dignity and grace. Remember that people can make mistakes but the only sin is not allowing someone to redeem themselves. Be humble.”

Niko: “Thank you Bachelor Number two. Bachelor number One, I’ve got a Desert Eagle 50 cal and a bottle of ‘Henn’ how do you want to keep that party going?”

Hardy: “Man, fuck you! I see through your bullshit!”

Niko: “I’m sorry Bachelor Number One but did you say…”

Hardy: “I said suck my motherfucking dick. I ain’t playin’ your bullshit. I’ll go back to the MMA first. Fuck off!”

Niko: “I’m sorry you feel that way Number One. Bachelor Number Three…”

Zeke: “I got a robot dick in my locker. It goes ‘BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ’.”

Niko: laughs

Zeke: …ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!”

Niko: “OK. OK. Whoo! Bachelor Number One, when I feel relaxed and really want to cut loose I’m just gonna smoke me some?”

Hardy: glances at Rice who gives a ‘careful’ hand sign. “Brisket. You ever have the Brisket from Franklin’s in Austin? Shit’s what I’m talkin’ about.”

Niko: “Yum! Bachelor Number Two same question.”

Rice: “Smoking anything is not the proper way to dedicate the temple of your body to God. I can only say that sometimes I will light an incense to set a proper mood for relaxation and recovery.”

Niko: “How boring. And Number Three?”

Zeke: “…”

Hardy: “That’s you dumb ass, you’re number three!”

Zeke: “But I ain’t number three, I’m…”

Hardy: “BACHELOR Number Three! Did you forget where the fuck you are?”

Zeke: “What was the question?”

Niko: “Bachelor Number Three, when I feel relaxed and really want to cut loose I’m just gonna smoke me some?”

Zeke: “Oh shit! Imma smoke me some of that errrr. Some of that green, some of that ooom oom bing bang. Some fucking weed Hell yes!”

Offstage a buzzer sounds.

GJL: “And time is up! Those are all the questions we have for today.”

Hardy: “Bunch of bullshit, man. I thought I had a chance to get reinstated with this shit.”

Rice: “Shhh!”

GJL: “Well Niko. It’s decision time. Who will be your date from these three eligible bachelors? Will it be Bachelor Number One?”

Hardy: “Don’t EVEN.”

GJL: “Bachelor Number Two?”

Rice: “While it would indeed be an honor to be chosen by you I think the most important take-away is your right as a woman and as someone with confidence and wisdom to make a selection that empowers you as an independent female.”

GJL: “Or Bachelor Number Three?”

Zeke: “Titties and ham!”

Niko: “Wellll. After a lot of thought Jim, I’m going to choose Bachelor Number….THREE!”

Zeke: disappointed. “Oh damn, I lost. What did I do?”

Hardy: “That’s you, shit-for-brains. Bachelor Number Three is you.”

Zeke: “Really? That IS ME! I’m number three!”

GJL: “Bachelor Number Three come on out and meet your date!”

Zeke walks confidently around the stage divider and as he crosses into view of the main stage.

Goodell: “Hello Zeke. Just as I suspected. Take him away boys!”

The security detail slaps cuffs on Zeke and drags him crying off stage left.

Roger Goodell tosses a cookie at Ray Rice who jumps up and grabs it gratefully.

Rice: “Thank you. Thank you Mr. Commissioner!”

Goodell: “So Mr. Hardy, any reconsideration of a possible reinstatement into the league?”

Hardy: “Fuck you, you bitch ass motherfucker. I ain’t ever gonna carry your water again! I’ll get my face blasted and my ears turned into cauliflower before I come crawling back to your punk ass again.”

Goodell: chuckles “We’ll see big guy, we’ll see. Just ask your friend Ray here how that went for him.”

Hardy storms off stage right never to be seen again.

GJL: “Thanks for watching folks! Now let’s give Mr. Hardy and friends a ‘Sayonara Kiss Goodbye!'”

Cast gives long drawn out kiss to the crowd.

/fin