Your “Are Duke Harry and Duchess Meghan Divorced Yet?” Sunday Late Afternoon/Early Evening Open Thread

Photo Credit: USA Today

Scene: Nottingham Cottage on the sprawling Kensington Palace Grounds. A beautiful woman and her ginger husband are basking in their freshly wedded bliss

Photo Credit: The Telegraph

 Duke of Sussex: Ay, love, this is the best. Just you and me and all these servants, and the paparazzi as soon as we step outside. And yesterday was so perfect. You got the eyes of the world on your beautiful visage, I get to be with a gorgeous American instead of some chilly pale English wench, and we even got some love for a random black clergyman. Now, nothing but tranquility. It’s like we’re living in a dream, where nothing can disturb us…

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

HEY, COCKWALLET! Yeah, BFC, I’m talking to you! You said you didn’t give a flying fuck about the royal wedding. I thought you slept through it since you’re on Pacific time hanging out in MY FUCKING CITY. Now you’re, what, literally dreaming about red headed Brits? That’s dumber than Junior Seau’s cadaver. Besides, until that Jewishless American Princess pops out a dozen or so kids, neither of these mouthbreathers have accomplished shit.  Although, I guess Harry has moved on from dressing like a brownshirt to something a little closer to a Luftwaffe officer:

Royalty or not, he looks like a total douche

NOW WAKE UP FROM YOUR MID-AFTERNOON HIBERNATION AND OPEN THE SHIT OUT OF THIS THREAD!  I gotta go hide before Boltman tracks me down and adds my femurs to his collection.

/DOOR FLIES CLOSED

Well, that happened. Or didn’t. YMMV, depending on level of substance consumption. As you likely know, MimosaHomeyBront is out celebrating Victoria Day, so you’re stuck with another ‘Murrican substitute tonight. Ballsy wisely told you to go see Deadpool 2 last night, but I haven’t heeded his advice yet so I’m in no position to tell you what to do.

But unlike the Spanos clan when any of their gums are a-flappin’, Lord Laserface up there was telling the truth. I’ve been hanging in LA this past week and weekend, and I didn’t even remember the royal wedding was happening until I made the mistake of looking at any social media which was blanketed with obsessive tweeting and reacting to that horseshit. After shaking off the existential dread that the mere thought of people I usually enjoy spending time with focusing on completely meaningless pomp across the pond, I ran some errands, got a little work done, and then set off to meet up with BallsofSteelandFury, Brick Meathook (yes he exists, and he looks exactly like his avatar), Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, and theWeeBabySeamus at a dive bar.

I share this with you because a) it was good times, apart from Balls ruining the GWS-North Melbourne game for me (though I guess the Giants more than did their part to ruin that game for me) and b) Brick said something that stuck with me. We were reflecting on/reminiscing about the old KSK days and talking about how at the end when things were falling apart, Xmas Ape was holding it together and putting in the work to get posts up every single day. And how BeerGuyRob has done the same thing here, and how in both cases, it’s really impressive to see the growth and impressive product that they were/are able to put onto the page when they write (nearly) every day. As Brick put it, writers write, they don’t just say they’re writers, they write. And around here, we’re very fortunate to have a bunch of unpaid volunteers putting in real work and sharing the fruits of their labor (or labour). So I just wanted to say thanks to BeerGuyRob (hope you’re enjoying the holiday I don’t understand) and all the other DFOers who put themselves out there so the rest of us can enjoy your dickjokes and history lessons. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I enjoy the hell out of it and am impressed by the talent and quality of writing that appears on this here little blog.

Sometimes writers do more than just write, but it’s not always compatible with longevity

And with that, let’s turn to what’s on TV this afternoon/tonight:

NHL PLAYOFFS

Vegas @ Winnipeg currently underway (NBC)

I know as much about hockey as President Trump knows about the Iran Nuclear Deal he pissed on like, well, you know, but it sure seems like it’s Marc-André Fleury’s world, and everyone else is just living in it.

NBA PLAYOFFS

Rockets @ Warriors, 7pm DFO time (TNT)

The Western Conference Finals are tied 1-1, with the narrative after game one being “THE WARRIORS ARE UNSTOPPABLE, WHY BOTHER PLAYING THE REST OF THE SERIES, JAMES HARDEN IS OVERRATED, THE ROCKETS ARE DUM LOLOLOL,” and the narrative after game two being “STEPH CURRY NEEDS TO STEP UP OR THE WARRIORS ARE IN TROUBLE.”  So obviously no one knows shit.  Take the over regardless.

/checks where the combined points are set

226.5, shit.  Still, though.

 

 

Um, what else we got tonight?

RACING

Indy 500 Qualifying Day 2, in progress (ABC)

Please don’t tell me if you’re watching this so I don’t have to waste effort judging you and you don’t have to confirm your suspicions that I’m an elitist.

GOLF

LPGA Tour Kingsmill  Championship, 4pm DFO time (Golf channel)

Watching golf for more than background noise seems like a sign that you’re getting closer to life in a nursing home.

WNBA

Los Angeles Sparx at Minnesota Links, 4pm DFO time (ESPN2)

That x inversion wasn’t as funny as I’d hoped, but neither are 99% of WNBA jokes.

FÚTBOL

Atlanta United at New York Red Bulls, 6pm DFO time (FS1)

I remember in the third grade, we had to come up with new mascots to vote on for our elementary school. Every single nominee was better than these two.  What the hell is united about Atlanta anyway? They’re divided on what the call the damn Civil War.  Kind of fitting that the “New York” team that plays in New Jersey is named for carbonated piss water that will give you a heart murmur.

Toluca vs Santos, 6:30pm DFO time (Univision)

No tengo ninguna idea que decir, pero habrá un partido.

BASEBALL

Cleveland @ Houston, 7pm DFO time (ESPN)

I cannot decipher which of the other games are on regional broadcasts vs more widely available, and it’s one of 162 games, so you can find it on your own or do without it.  Regardless, the Cubs were scheduled for an early game today, and since I’m writing this in the past for the future, I’ll assume that their present was a white flag. I like to live in my own world sometimes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Fronkenshteen

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Brocky

When ozzy was still in great shape

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I never understood why they killed Paulie here. That’s Clemenza’s car and he loves it; now it’s all covered with blood and do they just leave it there? Is someone going to pick them up or are they walking back to New York? Why not just kill him in Manhattan? Are the cannolis covered in brains and goo? Won’t the police find the car’s owner? And why did they have to teach Michael how to shoot a pistol if he was highly decorated Marine combat veteran?

Fronkenshteen

Is it Clemenza’s car? Or just the one they picked him up with? They’re deffo getting picked up. Clemenza ain’t walking nowhere. Bakery string deffo strong enough to repel brain matter. The Corleones had cops on the payroll. Clemenza was just showing him how loud he made the gun to discourage vigilantes.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

I’m young I’m young I’m young….

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m watching the documentary Lost Soul: The Doomed Journey of Richard Stanley’s Island of Dr. Moreau, on Amazon Prime and it is fucking insanely great. This is the Dr. Moreau version with Marlon Brando amd Val Kilmer that was a disaster and it’s as crazy as Apocalypse Now’s shoot. Highly recommended. It gets nuttier and nuttier as it keeps going.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brocky

….mom?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Thanks BFC for quoting me and saying it much better than I ever did. But I’ll second BFC and thank all the writers here and let you know that I read and enjoy and appreciate it all.

Whatever happened to that like button?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

My ride’s here.

yeah right

We love you too Brick. Thanks for reading. Thank all of you for reading. Now let’s get shitty!
Woo!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Now let’s get shitty!

-A German friend

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

That’s the highest a bear has been since Owlsley Stanley.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well done.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s amazing how feudal Japan looks nothing like Southern California.

yeah right

Spoken like someone who watched West World.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Isn’t “Westworld” in SOCAL? Their clientele just want to kill/fuck without consequences, they pay lip service to the actual fantasy.

yeah right

Sounds good. I’m hanging out in the wrong bars.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In the future….. future bars.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Great Moments in Dick Kicking History

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog

last funny:

Royal baby watch begins NOW with the BBC’s 24-hour live stream from inside Meghan Markle’s fallopian tubes

ballsofsteelandfury

ITV has live coverage from her asshole.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

I don’t want to give away any spoilers for Westworld, but I’m pretty sure Bill Parcells turned it off 20 minutes in.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Not even one coked out linebacker beating up women?

ballsofsteelandfury

Raping.

FTFY

herodotus450
herodotus450

That actually sounds more Japanese, adding a tentacle or 12.

Sharkbait

Well, he doesn’t like Jap plays after all…

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Both.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This should’ve been the wedding march.

King Hippo

It’s 2018. Ain’t nobody risking the “completely free from infection” line.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

True, but still.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

1.Rage Against The Machine
2.Hold A Grudge Against The Machine
3.Get Over The Machine
4.Sincerely Hope The Machine Finds Happiness

ballsofsteelandfury

5- Forget you ever dated The Machine

Horatio Cornblower

That story is hilarious.

Sharkbait

Old school Bond movie > Basketball game

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We know the outcomes of both anyway.

ballsofsteelandfury

WHAT CHANNEL?

Sharkbait

Amazon Prime. So…internets?

ballsofsteelandfury

I may do that this evening too.

ballsofsteelandfury

Thinking Diamonds Are Forever

Sharkbait

From Russia with Love for me.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Prime Video has all of the old Bond movies and Spectre.

King Hippo

Less thumping bass in the old Bond film.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Apropos of nothing but that it’s funny and the tab’s been open for two hours.

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King Hippo

jigglies plus rifle, what’s not to like??

/mmmm, Dolores awaits on DVR

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Shotgun, but that’s picking at nits

Horatio Cornblower

The movie is ‘Darkness’; the IMDB description is as follows: “A teenage girl moves into a remote countryside house with her family, only to discover that their gloomy new home has a horrifying past that threatens to destroy the family.”

Spoiler alert: The basement is full of radon.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The silent killer.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Also, the home inspector they hired is in deep shit.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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King Hippo

Balls, I predicted this Mexi-match purty good so far, eh?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yup. I hope you got $ on it.

King Hippo

$100 on draw at +300. Insurance bet Toluca win $50 when it got up to +500. Sadly did not bet Santos winning first half. That was +375

rockingdog
rockingdog

curry going off!!!!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think the Rockets should just start chuckling threes. If they are going to miss, might as well miss big.