Your “Are Duke Harry and Duchess Meghan Divorced Yet?” Sunday Late Afternoon/Early Evening Open Thread

Photo Credit: USA Today

Scene: Nottingham Cottage on the sprawling Kensington Palace Grounds. A beautiful woman and her ginger husband are basking in their freshly wedded bliss

Photo Credit: The Telegraph

 Duke of Sussex: Ay, love, this is the best. Just you and me and all these servants, and the paparazzi as soon as we step outside. And yesterday was so perfect. You got the eyes of the world on your beautiful visage, I get to be with a gorgeous American instead of some chilly pale English wench, and we even got some love for a random black clergyman. Now, nothing but tranquility. It’s like we’re living in a dream, where nothing can disturb us…

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

HEY, COCKWALLET! Yeah, BFC, I’m talking to you! You said you didn’t give a flying fuck about the royal wedding. I thought you slept through it since you’re on Pacific time hanging out in MY FUCKING CITY. Now you’re, what, literally dreaming about red headed Brits? That’s dumber than Junior Seau’s cadaver. Besides, until that Jewishless American Princess pops out a dozen or so kids, neither of these mouthbreathers have accomplished shit.  Although, I guess Harry has moved on from dressing like a brownshirt to something a little closer to a Luftwaffe officer:

Royalty or not, he looks like a total douche

NOW WAKE UP FROM YOUR MID-AFTERNOON HIBERNATION AND OPEN THE SHIT OUT OF THIS THREAD!  I gotta go hide before Boltman tracks me down and adds my femurs to his collection.

/DOOR FLIES CLOSED

Well, that happened. Or didn’t. YMMV, depending on level of substance consumption. As you likely know, MimosaHomeyBront is out celebrating Victoria Day, so you’re stuck with another ‘Murrican substitute tonight. Ballsy wisely told you to go see Deadpool 2 last night, but I haven’t heeded his advice yet so I’m in no position to tell you what to do.

But unlike the Spanos clan when any of their gums are a-flappin’, Lord Laserface up there was telling the truth. I’ve been hanging in LA this past week and weekend, and I didn’t even remember the royal wedding was happening until I made the mistake of looking at any social media which was blanketed with obsessive tweeting and reacting to that horseshit. After shaking off the existential dread that the mere thought of people I usually enjoy spending time with focusing on completely meaningless pomp across the pond, I ran some errands, got a little work done, and then set off to meet up with BallsofSteelandFury, Brick Meathook (yes he exists, and he looks exactly like his avatar), Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, and theWeeBabySeamus at a dive bar.

I share this with you because a) it was good times, apart from Balls ruining the GWS-North Melbourne game for me (though I guess the Giants more than did their part to ruin that game for me) and b) Brick said something that stuck with me. We were reflecting on/reminiscing about the old KSK days and talking about how at the end when things were falling apart, Xmas Ape was holding it together and putting in the work to get posts up every single day. And how BeerGuyRob has done the same thing here, and how in both cases, it’s really impressive to see the growth and impressive product that they were/are able to put onto the page when they write (nearly) every day. As Brick put it, writers write, they don’t just say they’re writers, they write. And around here, we’re very fortunate to have a bunch of unpaid volunteers putting in real work and sharing the fruits of their labor (or labour). So I just wanted to say thanks to BeerGuyRob (hope you’re enjoying the holiday I don’t understand) and all the other DFOers who put themselves out there so the rest of us can enjoy your dickjokes and history lessons. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I enjoy the hell out of it and am impressed by the talent and quality of writing that appears on this here little blog.

Sometimes writers do more than just write, but it’s not always compatible with longevity

And with that, let’s turn to what’s on TV this afternoon/tonight:

NHL PLAYOFFS

Vegas @ Winnipeg currently underway (NBC)

I know as much about hockey as President Trump knows about the Iran Nuclear Deal he pissed on like, well, you know, but it sure seems like it’s Marc-André Fleury’s world, and everyone else is just living in it.

NBA PLAYOFFS

Rockets @ Warriors, 7pm DFO time (TNT)

The Western Conference Finals are tied 1-1, with the narrative after game one being “THE WARRIORS ARE UNSTOPPABLE, WHY BOTHER PLAYING THE REST OF THE SERIES, JAMES HARDEN IS OVERRATED, THE ROCKETS ARE DUM LOLOLOL,” and the narrative after game two being “STEPH CURRY NEEDS TO STEP UP OR THE WARRIORS ARE IN TROUBLE.”  So obviously no one knows shit.  Take the over regardless.

/checks where the combined points are set

226.5, shit.  Still, though.

 

 

Um, what else we got tonight?

RACING

Indy 500 Qualifying Day 2, in progress (ABC)

Please don’t tell me if you’re watching this so I don’t have to waste effort judging you and you don’t have to confirm your suspicions that I’m an elitist.

GOLF

LPGA Tour Kingsmill  Championship, 4pm DFO time (Golf channel)

Watching golf for more than background noise seems like a sign that you’re getting closer to life in a nursing home.

WNBA

Los Angeles Sparx at Minnesota Links, 4pm DFO time (ESPN2)

That x inversion wasn’t as funny as I’d hoped, but neither are 99% of WNBA jokes.

FÚTBOL

Atlanta United at New York Red Bulls, 6pm DFO time (FS1)

I remember in the third grade, we had to come up with new mascots to vote on for our elementary school. Every single nominee was better than these two.  What the hell is united about Atlanta anyway? They’re divided on what the call the damn Civil War.  Kind of fitting that the “New York” team that plays in New Jersey is named for carbonated piss water that will give you a heart murmur.

Toluca vs Santos, 6:30pm DFO time (Univision)

No tengo ninguna idea que decir, pero habrá un partido.

BASEBALL

Cleveland @ Houston, 7pm DFO time (ESPN)

I cannot decipher which of the other games are on regional broadcasts vs more widely available, and it’s one of 162 games, so you can find it on your own or do without it.  Regardless, the Cubs were scheduled for an early game today, and since I’m writing this in the past for the future, I’ll assume that their present was a white flag. I like to live in my own world sometimes.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West, then to SoCal, then back to the mountain West, and then again back to our nation's capital. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
Subscribe
Notify of
239 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But enough about the state of Ryan Leaf and Todd Marinovich’s domicile…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Goddamnit, all I wanted was a competitive game. That Houston won.

Sharkbait

Why didn’t I throw money on the Ice soon to be Raiders when I was in Vegas??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How many locals do you think threw down longshot bets? I bet it was a bunch.

Sharkbait

A friend who moved there is kicking himself for not doing exactly that.

Unsurprised

Where is my WW stream, damn it!?!? Never mind.

Unsurprised

Also, how is Madame Secretary still on? It seems ghoulish to keep this Hillary fanfic going.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, great, I step away to make mai tais and the Warriors have scored ten straight.

Senor Weaselo

Well I had a brown pants moment on the way home. Car in front of me on the BQE lost a wheel, bounced around, hit an RV, bounced into my lane, had to dodge it. And how are you lovely lizard people?

ballsofsteelandfury

I will shortly have a michelada in front of me, so I can’t complain.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m happy to see you.

Also, by #4, it probably WILL be in my pants

Unsurprised

Video of the driver:

comment image

Spur

Rockets are keeping up well while playing like ass

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s true, it is certainly amazing that they are actually this close.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, good luck beating the Warriors when you’re putting up 43 points in the half.

King Hippo

I already miss having Barry as a nice after-Westworld treat

Spur

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

Hey, how come we can’t see who liked our comments anymore?

I need to know who’s with me on the ‘Ferris Bueller is a sociopath” angle.

ballsofsteelandfury

I am

Unsurprised

I am

herodotus450

I am, Spartacus.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Heh heh. ‘Pulling a towelie’.” – Zeke Mowatt

ballsofsteelandfury

Can I sue you if it goes astray?

Horatio Cornblower

10 minutes until Westworld Goes To Japan.

I’m hoping for better results then when that Logan Paul shithead went.

Unsurprised

Never underestimate the tensile strength of rose stems.

ballsofsteelandfury

Or the sharpness of their thorns.

Unsurprised

2017 NWSL champions!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The closest game so far in the NBA conference finals has been 13 points. I don’t get the feeling that this one is going to be closer than that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought Houston’s offense was supposed to be good. They can’t even make a damned layup.

Spur

Harden is getting the cheap fouls

Spur

Sweet, i have 2 four day work weeks in a row here. Taking off this Friday for my nieces graduation and next week is Memorial weekend.

rockingdog
King Hippo

“That’s dope!” – Von Miller

King Hippo

Santos should have had a 2nd there.

Spur

Do the Canadians riot when their teams lose?

Senor Weaselo

Only Vancouver.

Spur

Houston should try rebounding.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Anybody see the molotov cocktail toss on that ad for Claws? I hear the Jets are giving her a tryout. Meanwhile Colin Kaepernick is still waiting by the phone.

Spur

KD is such a piece of shit

herodotus450

But he did manage to go to school in Texas and make it out alive so…

Senor Weaselo

Can someone post “Fuck KD”?

Spur

Folks

Unsurprised

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Say what you want about Warrior fans, but at least they get loud. The LeBrons came out on fire against the Celtics and Quicken Loans Arena sounded like…well, like the lobby of a bank. Whereas this game is tied and the arena is about as loud as the lobby of the bank in Heat.

herodotus450

Hey how’d you know I have a cat name Bank?

Unsurprised

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[actually, things in the lobby in Heat are pretty quiet; nobody starts shooting until they are all outside the bank.]

Unsurprised

There is some yelling and a guard gets brained with a blackjack.

rockingdog

nervous about this warriors game…
rockets looking good early….

comment image

Unsurprised

I read on her Instagram that she’s in Los Angeles after just having been in Vegas, so Seamus will probably end up in a Devil’s Threesome with her and her husband.

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Tell me more about this ‘devil’s threesome’…” – Nick Saban

Unsurprised

Anything he does is a “Devil’s X.”

ballsofsteelandfury

Who is this girl?

/ i’m old

Unsurprised

Marketa Stroblova AKA Little Caprice.

She does anal. And as I recall, Seamus sort of knows her through photography folks.

Horatio Cornblower

“I’m old”

She isn’t.

herodotus450
Unsurprised

I mean, “Violent computer game (trains players to kill)” isn’t entirely wrong.

herodotus450

comment image

Unsurprised

comment image

King Hippo

None of the Mexi-footballers are kneeling, which much conflict Herr Fuhrer sommet fierce.

Unsurprised

comment image

King Hippo

Toluca appears to be proudly Satan-affiliated. Could give them an important edge.

ballsofsteelandfury

Why do you think they’re my childhood team?

King Hippo

Hate that the Costa Rican final isn’t televised. Deportivo Saprissa has been down a man since the 30th minute, and has 6 yellows in addition to that. Herediano has only 5.

King Hippo

My local NC ads for “Abogado Pedro” are fucking hilarious.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s also UFC fighting tonight. FS2.

Right now two very angry women are rolling around on the floor beating the piss out of each other. So, basically, Black Friday Sale at Target.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think Toluca score the first goal and then whoever scores next wins the championship.

King Hippo

I ain’t bet la half primera then. Only 1 bill on el draw.

King Hippo

Is Santos the snottier of teh Mexican sides? I seem to always end up picking those, whenever I choose South of the Border way…

Vasco da Gama OR DIE!!

ballsofsteelandfury

Nah, Santos is from Torreón, which is in the north of México. Toluca is south/west of México City and routinely gets ignored by the Mexican media. They’re basically Winnipeg- Vegas.

ballsofsteelandfury

What I really want to know is when the Royal Wedding porn parody comes out…

Horatio Cornblower

William The Cunnilinguist, 10XXX

Unsurprised

1069

Horatio Cornblower

Aw fuck, how did I miss that?

Unsurprised

You’re drunk?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“10 69’s? In one night?” – Gronk

Unsurprised

DJ Khaled would hire ten guys to do it for him, which is already how he “makes” music.

Horatio Cornblower

I just saw a Weight Watchers ad that mentioned that DJ Khaled had lost 35 lbs., and I immediately thought, “Well, we know what he wasn’t eating!”

And yet ad companies still won’t return my calls…

Unsurprised

10^Nice

King Hippo

I guess if one favours not-Toluca, one should bet the draw, eh?

ballsofsteelandfury

Single match or aggregate?

King Hippo

they only let me bets teh match, so I’m guessing not-Toluca gets the road early goal and holds onto the draw (and aggregate win) late.

King Hippo

they seems not to have any motivation to go FOAR the W

ballsofsteelandfury

See, that’s the problem. If they don’t go for the W, they will lose. Everything.

Unsurprised

Just another lazy, rubber-ducky-balloon rolling day.

comment image

rockingdog

Hahahahaha yes!!!
comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s fucking brilliant. About time!

Horatio Cornblower

A friend’s underage kid got busted at college drinking beer from a red Solo cup. His cup was checked because red Solo cups are banned. Other colors, and I am not making this up, were fine.

The next time he came home several of us showed up with packages of yellow and blue Solo cups for him to take back with him.

Unsurprised

You’re doing the Lord’s work. Although wouldn’t it have been easier to just send them via Amazon?

Horatio Cornblower

Easier? Yes. As fun as handing them to him in front of his mortified parents?

Oh, HELL no.

Unsurprised

Oh, fuck’s sake. I read that as your kid.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Good stuff!

herodotus450

Off-season open threads are my social media ghost towns…

Unsurprised

The Snapchat piece reminds me that I realized last night that I can’t even sit down to watch Netflix without being on my phone not because I’m necessarily looking at something or bored but because the act of reading text and scrolling and doing that trivial shit gives me a sense of actually doing something when in reality I am literally doing other than just existing like a lump of shit. Combine that with wandering through social media looking for something or someone to interact with and it’s a really stark reminder of how fucking empty my life is. And it was basically done on purpose.

So, anyway, I need to find something to do with my life.

Unsurprised

I was driving around earlier to keep the battery charged since I don’t drive most of the time and I drove into a part of the city I never visit. And it dawned on me as I was driving that I could just get out and walk around and look at shit or just walk for the sake of it and yet being in the car made me feel like the useless piece of shit I was when I drove everywhere and couldn’t be bothered to walk any meaningful distance. Also, because I have some pathological fear of getting ticketed or the car getting stolen (the model of car I own is a very popular car theft target).

I guess I’m saying that at least I know better about a lot of things and about myself, but without putting them into practice I’m jerking off without actual pleasure of doing that (which isn’t that pleasurable because of how long it takes).

Unsurprised

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

I think Ferris Bueller put it best:

comment image?w=650

Horatio Cornblower

The dirty little secret of that movie is that Ferris is clearly a sociopath. I’m sure he murdered Cameron and Sloan shortly after graduation.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey man, just come over to my house. We’ll shoot pool.

Also, I’m low on beer, so stop at a package store on the way over.

Unsurprised

If you weren’t on the opposite coast I’d already be there.

yeah right

I read the high school imposter story a couple of weeks ago. Great story. Hard to categorize the kid involved. Who wouldn’t with his opportunities?

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s pretty impressive, Vegas. Now go win it all.

King Hippo

but Christ it was as ugly as the NJ Devils of yesteryear. Still, given the alternatives…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised

Pussymobile

Brocky

sees a meme from the old site,

Reminds self to actually finish fantasy gods

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

Bombers bombing again.

rockingdog

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

The Toluca game is the return leg of the Mexican league final. Santos Laguna won the first game at home 2-1.

If they tie on aggregate, they go to extra time/ penalties.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not sure I’m into those codpieces, though. Too much of a bulge. Maybe a tasteful white thong would have been better.

Unsurprised

I have a recurring joke whenever I see a certain celebrity in leggings or yoga pants that her bulge is bigger than mine.