^{Photo Credit: USA Today}

Scene: Nottingham Cottage on the sprawling Kensington Palace Grounds. A beautiful woman and her ginger husband are basking in their freshly wedded bliss

 Duke of Sussex: Ay, love, this is the best. Just you and me and all these servants, and the paparazzi as soon as we step outside. And yesterday was so perfect. You got the eyes of the world on your beautiful visage, I get to be with a gorgeous American instead of some chilly pale English wench, and we even got some love for a random black clergyman. Now, nothing but tranquility. It’s like we’re living in a dream, where nothing can disturb us…

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

HEY, COCKWALLET! Yeah, BFC, I’m talking to you! You said you didn’t give a flying fuck about the royal wedding. I thought you slept through it since you’re on Pacific time hanging out in MY FUCKING CITY. Now you’re, what, literally dreaming about red headed Brits? That’s dumber than Junior Seau’s cadaver. Besides, until that Jewishless American Princess pops out a dozen or so kids, neither of these mouthbreathers have accomplished shit.  Although, I guess Harry has moved on from dressing like a brownshirt to something a little closer to a Luftwaffe officer:

NOW WAKE UP FROM YOUR MID-AFTERNOON HIBERNATION AND OPEN THE SHIT OUT OF THIS THREAD!  I gotta go hide before Boltman tracks me down and adds my femurs to his collection.

/DOOR FLIES CLOSED

Well, that happened. Or didn’t. YMMV, depending on level of substance consumption. As you likely know, MimosaHomeyBront is out celebrating Victoria Day, so you’re stuck with another ‘Murrican substitute tonight. Ballsy wisely told you to go see Deadpool 2 last night, but I haven’t heeded his advice yet so I’m in no position to tell you what to do.

But unlike the Spanos clan when any of their gums are a-flappin’, Lord Laserface up there was telling the truth. I’ve been hanging in LA this past week and weekend, and I didn’t even remember the royal wedding was happening until I made the mistake of looking at any social media which was blanketed with obsessive tweeting and reacting to that horseshit. After shaking off the existential dread that the mere thought of people I usually enjoy spending time with focusing on completely meaningless pomp across the pond, I ran some errands, got a little work done, and then set off to meet up with BallsofSteelandFury, Brick Meathook (yes he exists, and he looks exactly like his avatar), Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, and theWeeBabySeamus at a dive bar.

I share this with you because a) it was good times, apart from Balls ruining the GWS-North Melbourne game for me (though I guess the Giants more than did their part to ruin that game for me) and b) Brick said something that stuck with me. We were reflecting on/reminiscing about the old KSK days and talking about how at the end when things were falling apart, Xmas Ape was holding it together and putting in the work to get posts up every single day. And how BeerGuyRob has done the same thing here, and how in both cases, it’s really impressive to see the growth and impressive product that they were/are able to put onto the page when they write (nearly) every day. As Brick put it, writers write, they don’t just say they’re writers, they write. And around here, we’re very fortunate to have a bunch of unpaid volunteers putting in real work and sharing the fruits of their labor (or labour). So I just wanted to say thanks to BeerGuyRob (hope you’re enjoying the holiday I don’t understand) and all the other DFOers who put themselves out there so the rest of us can enjoy your dickjokes and history lessons. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I enjoy the hell out of it and am impressed by the talent and quality of writing that appears on this here little blog.

And with that, let’s turn to what’s on TV this afternoon/tonight:

NHL PLAYOFFS

Vegas @ Winnipeg currently underway (NBC)

I know as much about hockey as President Trump knows about the Iran Nuclear Deal he pissed on like, well, you know, but it sure seems like it’s Marc-André Fleury’s world, and everyone else is just living in it.

NBA PLAYOFFS

Rockets @ Warriors, 7pm DFO time (TNT)

The Western Conference Finals are tied 1-1, with the narrative after game one being “THE WARRIORS ARE UNSTOPPABLE, WHY BOTHER PLAYING THE REST OF THE SERIES, JAMES HARDEN IS OVERRATED, THE ROCKETS ARE DUM LOLOLOL,” and the narrative after game two being “STEPH CURRY NEEDS TO STEP UP OR THE WARRIORS ARE IN TROUBLE.”  So obviously no one knows shit.  Take the over regardless.

/checks where the combined points are set

226.5, shit.  Still, though.

Um, what else we got tonight?

RACING

Indy 500 Qualifying Day 2, in progress (ABC)

Please don’t tell me if you’re watching this so I don’t have to waste effort judging you and you don’t have to confirm your suspicions that I’m an elitist.

GOLF

LPGA Tour Kingsmill  Championship, 4pm DFO time (Golf channel)

Watching golf for more than background noise seems like a sign that you’re getting closer to life in a nursing home.

WNBA

Los Angeles Sparx at Minnesota Links, 4pm DFO time (ESPN2)

That x inversion wasn’t as funny as I’d hoped, but neither are 99% of WNBA jokes.

FÚTBOL

Atlanta United at New York Red Bulls, 6pm DFO time (FS1)

I remember in the third grade, we had to come up with new mascots to vote on for our elementary school. Every single nominee was better than these two.  What the hell is united about Atlanta anyway? They’re divided on what the call the damn Civil War.  Kind of fitting that the “New York” team that plays in New Jersey is named for carbonated piss water that will give you a heart murmur.

Toluca vs Santos, 6:30pm DFO time (Univision)

No tengo ninguna idea que decir, pero habrá un partido.

BASEBALL

Cleveland @ Houston, 7pm DFO time (ESPN)

I cannot decipher which of the other games are on regional broadcasts vs more widely available, and it’s one of 162 games, so you can find it on your own or do without it.  Regardless, the Cubs were scheduled for an early game today, and since I’m writing this in the past for the future, I’ll assume that their present was a white flag. I like to live in my own world sometimes.