So.. somebody may have dropped the ball. It was me. TO THE GAME!
Ravens/Bears: If you can find two more uninteresting teams in all of the sports I’d like you to tell me about them down below. Still, it’s THE FOOTBALL, baby! Massively muscled people you’ve never heard of might just suffer debilitating injuries! Will we see see a modicum of truth via a biscuit? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Warm milk being imbibed on the sideline. MAYBE!
Get after it, fellow addicts.
Ravens and Bears was actually Bob Mould’s monthly reading of Poe at a gay bookstore.
BANNER
Tornado warning in my next of the woods.
The weather guy is literally ejaculating in excitement and concern.
(the touchdown area is literally in the middle of nowhere).
“Witchita?”
– PK
Monroe county West Virginia. Its so fucking rural that you can’t get cell phone coverage. Its like a 2 hour drive to get there.
Why the fuck the local NBC Roanoke VA channel is interrupting this utterly unimportant football to cover this…I have to fucking idea.
local weatherfuckers are the lowest form of humanity
/always interrupting the sportsball
//I don’t care if the nukes are incoming, it can go on a screencrawl. I can goddamned read, and fuck the illiterate.
I just got here. Anybody piss on a flag during the anthem?
I thought my webcam was turned off! Dammit!
I don’t even think they aired it. I hope this continues.
Sean Mendes is a white guy?
teenage girls are a BIG demo for the NFL
/Mark Chmura nods knowingly
God, Derek Carr is so dreamy.
Wait till he ages 18 years in one season under THIS GUY.
I already knew he looked like a Doonsbury character, but it still shocks me every time I see him.
With that new helmet rule the 1st Cincy/Pitt gang war is going to last 6 hours.
…and then someone in that neighborhood saw a black family buying ice cream and called the cops.
Sonny Jebus, Collinsworth is in mid-season smarmy douche form already.
Who was the Joe Flacco lookalike on the sideline? Obviously he was too tanned to be the real Joe.
Joe’s non-union, latino doppelganger?
Jose Flaccito.
He got that way exposing himself to the fridge light while deciding between 2% cottage cheese and 1% cottage cheese.
Yeah, the NFL is gonna die with the current generation of fans. NBA and Soccer will rise.
I decided to start watching Reds games because I’m so fucking bored.
you go sit in the corner and think about what you did!!
NFL has no one to blame but themselves when it happens.
Yeah, legal sports gambling is gonna cripple the NFL. And that “Fantasy Football” is a passing fad.
Here we go, lowering the helmet rule in effect!
Fun fact: an inopportune lowering of the helmet was why Princess Vespa was so disappointed.
This game should not be played in pads.
And also on roller skates.
THIS GAME I CALL IT JEFF GARCIA’S WEDDING BECAUSE T.O. WON’T BE WITHIN 500 MILES OF IT
Replay reviews are going to get Chris Collinsworth to kneel for the anthem.
Hippo says CATCH
/even tho there IS NO CATCH
What is a catch? They didn’t clear that up?
newly sacrificed goat entrails are involved now
BOLTMAN APPROVES
Too bad Owens didn’t come, plenty of people would have signed off on a loan for him during the weekend.
OH MY GOD REVIEWS ARE ALLOWED IN THIS GAME?!?!
Why on fucking earth? This isn’t even a preseason scrimmage.
Some advice for the Balmer front office? Don’t pay the Perriman.
“No, you don’t get residuals from this.”
-Chris de Burgh’s lawyer
TRUE STORY! At least two imaginary ppls remember there was a second single from the “Lady in Red” album (whatever it was called).
Pre-season Pickakke?
You kids did a lot of work to this site in the offseason. I don’t have to reload every 30 seconds and wonder if my comment got swallowed up on the previous page anymore.
That’s offset by the fact that we sneak into your house and jizz on random objects when you’re off to work.
Super Bowl Champion Chase Daniels
Goddammit.
Ooh, looks like DOINK is already in midseason form.
Told ya.
There’s the Bearistocrats we all know and love.
trying to tamp down da hype!
former Donk Bennie Fowler is liquid shit, tho
Always just assumed he played for the Jets.
the Donks’ potty-mouth humour YouTube guy used to sing “Benny and the catch” for him. He’d get about 8 catches per season, but 4 TDs.
Daniel’s going to throw a pick inside the five.
Lotto numbers NOW
holy merde, NostreYinzer
I’d like to subscribe to your below-average blog.
Incredible
what I tell u bout them Bearistocrats? NFC Title match, minimum
is this the fancy new stadium?
I don’t think they’re playing in Vegas or LA…are they?
It’s less fun without the entire playing surface having melted.
I always hate when NFL coaches and media portray athletes like they are going to war. The pseudo combat shit is cliche and it kind of offends me.
Then the Hall of Fame game, they drag out these crippled, old guys onto the field and its like visiting a depressing as fuck VFW lodge on a Tuesday.
We’ve secretly planted a variety of IEDs, booby traps and punji pits all over the field. Let’s watch what happens!
[Looking very Hungarian]
-Matt Nagy
Ugh, it was bad enough when all the players were younger than me, but now all the coaches are, too?
I feel like if you looked in Jerry Jones’ attic you’d find a painting of Bobby Beathard looking even *worse* than he already does.
Thanks for the Pulisic jersey, DFO overlords!
May it get youse work with the local Central European drug cartel!
Didn’t think I’d hear The Fixx on an investment commercial in 2018, but, here we are.
mic up Randy Moss all fixture, PLEAZ!!
All times Best Coast Time
5:15pm – Kick-off
5:22pm – Trubisky goes down with broken Femur
5:30pm – Live Look at Hall of Fame Inductee Jerry Kramer asking “Purple Monkey Jello”.
6:40pm – Lamar Jackson cements his claim to start.
6:50pm – Lamar Jackson’s head separated from body.
it’s preseason, so I will let it slip…but tis LAMAR!
still getting my reps. LAMAR! it is.
Imaginary Internet Friends! I bid you all a Happy Hall of Fame Game!
Let’s get to grinding! Knock the rust off those dick jokes, maybe try out some new ones. Get those reps in before the Open Threads really count!
Don’t forget to do your stretches!
A raven and a crow can be the same thing in the pre-season!
Okay, guys, it’s a big joke night, so make sure you limber up before…
[tears ACL]
Sean Lee’s here with us tonight!
FUCK OFF STABBY
of course the dickhole wears jeans with cowboy boots. of fucking course
“Cowboy Boats? YeeeeeeeHAAAAAwwwww I am fuckin’ wasted!”
A FEW PILLS IN, YESSIR
Nobody looks as consistently drunk as Bobby Beatherd
You obviously haven’t looked in my mirror lately.
that u noe about!
Cool. I haven’t had a stalker in 15+ years.
I could squeeze Bocephus’ tits I’m so excite!
Ah a football game, first of the year, that means the thread will be extra packed. Time to pull out all my best jokes, my A material. Let’s see…
[Opens box marked “Grade A Dick Jokes”]
[Box is empty]
Dammit!
el biscuit del Verdad? Si!!!
Folks. Happy White History Month to everyone.
One of the 11.
Don’t give this Administration any other ideas.
What the new National Security Advisor so pissed about?
“Tell me again that story of when we subjugated everyone.”
-Wide-eyed kid sitting cross-legged in front of Spur
Should I mention am Tejano
No. That would completely ruin my joke.
What’s that? Football is on tonight?
I’ve never been this excited to see Chase Daniel take the field.
Chase Daniel’s mom doesn’t get excited to see Chase Daniel take the field.
We know what she DOES get excited about tho.
###CHASEDANIELSMOM
Have we actually been reduced to getting excited about the Hall of Fame Game?
YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS! HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’ BOYS?!??!?!
“Fuck Boys? Go on…”
-Jerry Sandusky’s Selective Hearing
[hangs head in shame]
Look, this is our second-busiest day of the year at work. I lost track of things.
My car got run over!
I was de-thawing the freezer!
The syphilis kicked in!
I was adjusting the temperature on the garden hose!
“You made it! That’s what counts.”
–Olivia Manning, looking at one of Eli’s drawings