I am the horny housewife of NFL fandom.
I’m married to a sports team. A respectable team. The kind of team you could bring home to meet your parents. I should be happy, you know? We’ve got four wonderful titles together. A rich history. A legacy franchise. My friends of other less successful teams look at me and assume that everything must be perfect. And I guess they’re right.
Things haven’t been so great of late. My team went 3-13, but I stayed by their side. I watched every game. Like I said, I’m married to the team. But I’ve got needs. And soon enough my eyes began to wander.
God damn it, I’m thirsty for the fucking pool boy.
I’m as surprised as you are.
The Jacksonville Jaguars are the coolest team in the NFL. No. You’re wrong. They call them Sacksonville, but they should be called the Swaguars.
See this is pure, unadulterated cool. I understand that my fan boying for a team just isn’t the way snarky sports blogs are supposed to work. We’re supposed to fixate on the tiniest flaws of a team and scrutinize them, mining jokes until we’ve shattered the mystique we cast on these NFL teams.
Well guess what, Hyman Roth? I can’t do it. Not this time. Because the Jags are flicking cigarette butts at everybody else in the league, and it’s fucking awesome. They are the coolest team in the league, and it isn’t even close. For essentially their entire existence the Jags have been a fucking joke. Sure, better than the Browns, but at least the Browns have history they can point to. They have a dedicated fan base. Who is the Jaguars fan base? The ones who survive SEC football on Saturday. The platonic ideal of a Jaguar fan is a hungover Gator fan who happened to successfully navigate around the sobriety checkpoints on the interstate the night before. I saw a person wearing a Jaguar jersey on the street and was legitimately shook. Have you ever seen one in real life? It doesn’t even look like a football jersey. It’s…oddly shaped.
Look, I’m not going to lie to you, I just saw the highlights. Turns out that the Jacksonville Jaguars were not slated for a ton of prime time games last season, and being about 1,000 miles out of market, they just weren’t available much. But oh, how I watched those highlights, waiting for a time when I could actually watch them. And then the playoffs came around, and we fuuuuuuuucked.
The first was a little disorganized.
But that second game, man alive
Oh my. Is there anything else that you could add to this win?
Oh. Oh Mr. Ramsey.
By now I was fully on board with the Swaguars (I will make this name happen). They’d face up against the mighty New England Patriots, who everybody had picked to win the conference. They held them to three in the first and I was fully on board with everything. They take a 14-10 lead into the half? Hell fucking yes. Expand that to 17-0. Ooooohhhh. We are going to the Super Bowl and we gonna win that bitch. Oh choke me, Daddy.
[Jacksonville begins to choke]
No. No, me, not you.
24-20 Patriots. Yet again, another team that is beating the Patriots by being unpredictable, suddenly becomes as conservative as Mike Pence at a dinner with a strange lady. Don’t worry, guys. Happens to a lot of teams. So, they did not go to the Super Bowl, and did not in fact, win that bitch. But they were a wild team, and the gang’s coming back. So let’s stop reviewing and start previewing.
My man. Half shut down corner, half mean girl. I could honestly just make this post a bunch of clips about Jalen Ramsey talking shit, and it would be shorter, and probably funnier.
Actually, I see no reason why I don’t just do this. It’s…a pretty fool proof way to get people onto my side here. Just look at this
That’s next level passive aggression. Go to that 49 second mark. The reporters are falling all over themselves to get him to like him by saying “The one that Leonard trucked in the game.” C’mon, man. You’re a reporter. Don’t be so thirsty. Last year he made a few headlines by going a week without smack talk out of respect for Larry Fitzgerald, and then immediately started it up again with Doug Baldwin before their game against the Seahawks (The SWAGs won), saying he wasn’t as good as Larry Fitzgerald, to which Doug was forced to say, “Well…yeah, that’s fair.”
Earlier this summer, young baby deer Josh Allen locked his legs and took his first step…
— Buffalo Bills (@buffalobills) May 11, 2018
…and the hungry Jaguar immediately broke his neck over twitter
That’s fucking rude, Ramsey. It’s accurate as fuck, and I do believe you will be picking him off when you cross paths on November 25th, but still. He’s just a kid.
It’s true, he did go to Florida State who I think we can all agree is a bit…rapey, but if it’s any consolation, the man did put his old coach on blast when they tried to use him as a recruitment to Texas A&M
— Jalen Ramsey (@jalenramsey) February 27, 2018
This man will cut you verbally. He could go to the Met Gala and call Tom Ford “basic.”
Also he’s good at football.
Another shut down corner who, thanks to Jalen, has the luxury of covering the other teams WR2 or WR3, he earned his first Pro Bowl appearance last season while making the 2nd Team All Pro for the first time in his career. Look at this
God I wanted him to house that
Another Pro Bowler. Here he is taunting Pittsburgh in the playoffs
Telvin made news for being one of four prominent Jags to stay in the locker room during the rendition of the National Anthem, and I say good. Compelled patriotism is a perversion. You do you, Telvin. I’m going to stick to sports and move on, but we should celebrate that he can exercise his freedom and not weaponize it.
The definition of cool. Look at my man here, working the run way. He’s fast, he’s nimble, and he cannot wait to absolutely fuck you up. “GIVE IT TO ME, MIKE MITCHELL”
It of course, makes me nervous to see my man bringing on this kind of contact, given that running backs tend to age worse than porn stars who get paid in meth. But he was the #4 pick in the draft, and perhaps he’ll save his money.
Or…maybe not. Personally I wouldn’t spend all my money trying to impress J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys, but whatever. The cool kid who smoked and drove a motorcycle while blowing off Trig in high school probably wasn’t destined to have much of a future either. Fournette lives in the now, and if he’s fine with it, so am I.
While he opted no to play in the Pro Bowl, giving his spot to Telvin, the man was an unchained monster, recording 14.5 sacks, and recovering a fumble for a TD. He’s 31, and he probably doesn’t have a lot of time left in the game, but the man has quietly put up very respectable numbers throughout his time in Arizona and Jacksonville with 71 career sacks and 420 (the weed number) tackles.
Sure. Your QB is Blake Bortles, but why the fuck not, am I right? You do get six games against Houston, Indy, and Tennessee. I say go for it.
In addition to being every hand you’ve ever held in a game of Scrabble, the dude is yet another defensive nightmare. He’s…you know what, this is getting really long and I don’t want to lose you, so let’s just establish that he’s very good and move on to everything else. No offense, Yannick. I just ran out of space and your team is stacked to the motherfucking rafters.
First round draft pick is receiving the not at all unfair label of “Potential Future JJ Watt” which is not only a good thing to have on your roster, but an even more calculated burn on the Steelers, who naturally just assumed their own TJ Watt was going to be the next JJ Watt. FUCK NEPOTISM, Yinzers. Dante Fowler Jr probably shouldn’t have been a #3 pick out of the draft, but he still put up 8 sacks which isn’t nothing. Myles Jack could probably be a running back if this LB career doesn’t pan out. But these are minor problems because this team is winning despite employing
That’s of course not the actual Blake Bortles (He hit his intended target). No the real Blake Bortles is a 38 year old roadie for Sevendust.
A sensible team might have moved on and hired a competent quarterback, but the Jags have kept him as if they were holding up their end of a dare. Or were trying to prove something out of spite. Remember, this is a franchise whose previous highs were recorded by Mark Brunell. Don’t give the Jaguars your fancy passing analytics. They hold about as much sway as climate change study at a MAGA rally.
And then there’s the coach. I’m not going to rehash the way he was worked over by the Jets, and somehow decided to just quit a head coaching job for nothing $4MM because the Buffalo Bills are such a joke franchise. Did you know this man was once the offensive line coach for Coast Guard University? Fuck it, did you know there was a goddamn Coast Guard football team? You did not. And yet, that’s where he spent the fall of ’93. Turns out they are part of the the New England Women’s and Men’s Athletic Conference in D-III. Are you hooked yet on the NEWMACtion? I for one give them 75 woke points for not only including Women in the conference, but by still being chivalrous enough to go with a ladies first naming policy. I don’t know which teams were conference members 25 years ago, but I see today that it includes such schools as MIT, Springfield, Worchester Polytechnic Institute (names are starting to sound less and less reputable from this point forward), Catholic, Maine Maritime, and Merchant Marine. Wait, what the fuck? The Merchant Marines have a goddamn institution of higher learning? And it’s considered a service academy? The Merchant Marines aren’t even a branch of the military. At this point I would expect to see a bartending school join the ranks of the NEWMAC. I know it was only one stop on Marrone’s resume, but this is suddenly all that I want to talk about. I have to get off this train right now.
Look, here’s the deal, even in spite of their hipster ass owner, their idiot coach, their CFL caliber QB, and their state and fanbase of snake handlers, circus freaks, holocaust deniers, and sons and daughters of the Confederacy, I am very, very horny for another year of Jags football. There will be two games in the New York market, a London game, and two prime time affairs, so that’s five games I’ll get to watch, and I can’t promise I won’t head out to the bars to watch the others 11. I’m not leaving my team for them, and I’m not saying I’ll root for these guys for even three downs past their expiration date. It’s a short term fling. But I’m loving it right now.