I’m not supposed to be here.

The Seahawks are normally Beastmode Ate My Baby‘s domain, and I know what’s good for me. You’d normally find him here, but he’s off working on the Foo Fighters tour as Pat Smear’s personal roadie,

so it’s fallen to me to enter where others fear to tread.

Given my status as a season ticket holder – since 2010, the start of the Pete Carroll era – and, given the roster turnover, having no fucking idea who plays where, I thought I’d analyse the roster & predict the season using the player graphics on the face of my tickets. It’s just as accurate at Skip Bayless, and requires less race-baiting.

So, join me, won’t you, as I work my way through arbitrary criteria in order to determine the actual value of my season tickets.

To be exact, here is the approximate criteria:

1. Have I ever heard of him? (aka, “Who the fuck is this guy?”)
2. Is he currently on the roster?
3. Has he done anything of note?
4. Is there something awful about him that the fan base conveniently ignores?
5. Who is that game’s opponent?

Ticket book cover: Bradley McDougald  

Who is this fucking guy? His number tells me he plays in the backfield, but he’s actually a DB. He joined the Seahawks in 2017 after being undrafted & signed by Kansas City in 2013. Part way through that season, he was claimed off waivers by Tampa, where he spent the rest of the season under Greg Schiano & then three years under Lovie Smith.

This is clearly a spot that Michael Bennett or Richard Sherman would have occupied. Let’s see what America thinks of them…

Oh, okay. You want to lose your mind? Go check out their twitter pages; the MAGA crowd loves these guys. Still, the fact that they’ve given the book cover to a second-year player on his third team doesn’t bode well for the quality of the secondary.

Week 1: Bobby Wagner 

Okay, this is a quality choice. A solid linebacker, he’s one of the few remaining players from the Super Bowl teams. He’s got KJ Wright & Barkevious Mingo on either side, so it looks like the Seahawks don’t have any weaknesses amongst the starting LBs. They’re kinda thin the further down the depth chart, but they’re at least starting the season at 100% in this position.

Plus – I don’t know when these were printed, but given they’re playing the Cowboys there was no fucking way on earth John Schneider

was going to allow Earl Thomas anywhere near this ticket.

Week 2: KJ Wright  

Umm, this is already a tad unsettling. It’s only Week 2, and they’ve already used two linebackers as their ticket faces. Plus, they’re playing the Rams, who ran up approximately 700 yards against the Seahawks defence last season in Seattle, in a game that was over by halftime.

Also, he got his knee scoped after the preseason game versus the Vikings. He didn’t get hit, but he reported to the trainers that something “didn’t feel right”. He’s expected to be out 2-4 weeks, if nothing’s wrong. So that’ll make everything better.

This is clearly another Sherman/Bennett/Thomas spot in the promotion being filled by a player who has some cachet, but probably shouldn’t be placed on the ticket against a division rival that burned that position pretty badly the last time they met. It really doesn’t matter who is on this ticket, because the Rams are going to cream them.

This would have been the perfect spot for a running back, but…yeah.

Week 3: Justin Britt  

Okay, at least we’ve now gotten to a different position. The offensive line is generally considered to be the weakest component of the Seahawks roster (outside the kicking game). Pete Carroll’s fondness for turning lacrosse players and random hobos into protection for the team’s most valuable asset has not borne much fruit the last few years, and in fact has likely taken a few years off Russell Wilson’s lifespan.

At least they are playing the Chargers, a team whose popularity is dwarfed in their own geographic area by the two MLS teams in the LA area and the USC women’s tennis team. Their owner is a pox upon the land, and the one quality player they’ve possessed in the last 10 years – Antonio Gates – they cut because the mood hit them. If Joey Bosa isn’t hurt by this game, the O-line might have some difficulty. If he’s not there, then these guys are going to look like world beaters & the Hawks will let the trade deadline pass without making a move.

Week 4: Russell Wilson 

So, it’s the face of the franchise versus one of the faces of the League. Of course this game is on a Thursday night; the League really wants FOX to fulfill their contract.

Look – QB is the one position the Seahawks got right, but most people forget they fell into Russell Wilson. The 12s forget that the Hawks braintrust easily could have traded up to get Andrew Luck or RGIII if they’d put their minds to it, and if they hadn’t instead decided to drop $10 million on Matt Flynn, the marquee signing of that offseason who never played a meaningful down for the Seahawks during the regular season.

BTW, none of these tickets has a running back pictured, so Russell’s facing another season of turning around into a handoff & finding nothing but air. He’d be better off offering opponents Recovery Water prior to the game & hoping that the lead content slows the defence down.

And how do they protect their marquee player? By building an O-line out of paper mache & forcing him to run around the backfield afraid for his life. However, by this point in the season Clay Matthews will be hurt again so DangeRuss will have a puncher’s chance of getting out of this game alive.

If he does go down during the season, the Seahawks are fucked, because they have career backup Austin Davis as their #2, and something called Alex McGough as their #3. But Colin Kaepernick isn’t good enough.

Week 5: Tyler Lockett  

By process of elimination, Tyler Lockett has become the Seahawks #1 receiver. Most of Russell Wilson’s more favourite targets were released or traded for magic beans during the offseason. What they brought in is nothing really to crow about. Sure – belichick could turn them into stars, but all Pete Carroll can do is edumacate them about the melting point of steel beams. Hell, he’s not even the best Lockett they’ve ever had on the roster, but that all changed when Jeff Heath lit Ricardo up at Jerry World in 2015.

So now, with Paul Richardson & Jimmy Graham gone, and Doug Baldwin nursing a sore knee, it’s up to Tyler Lockett to stay open for 25 seconds while Russell runs for his life behind the line. Richard Sherman can’t wait to see if iron sharpens iron in this matchup. I don’t think the 49ers can beat Seattle in Seattle, but they shouldn’t lose both games against them.

Week 6: Doug Baldwin  

Well, hell. This looks like the first ticket where the player shown might not actually make it to the game they’re pictured. He’s listed as “eligible to return” after having not played at all during the preseason, but they’re going to sit him out & instead wait to start him in their road opener against Denver. Because not playing at all in the preseason has always worked out for the player in question.

Seriously, if he’s hurt and misses any time at all, the Seahawks don’t exactly have more names that define “quality replacement”.  Here’s who they have behind their #1 & #2 receivers:

• Amara Darboh – 8 catches in 2017
• Damore’ea Stringfellow – undrafted free agent (rookie)
• Malik Turner – undrafted free agent (rookie)
• Keenan Reynolds – undrafted free agent (rookie)
• Caleb Scott – undrafted free agent (rookie)

Guess which one’s the white guy! Russell’s fucked. He might as well run up I-5 to UW & get one of those guys to catch his passes. Guaranteed that if Tom Cable was still around, he’d beg Pete to let him fatten up Caleb Scott & try starting him at Left Tackle.

Plus, they’re playing the Vikings. If Kirk Cousins hasn’t been killed by this point, he’s going to light up the Seahawks secondary.

Week 7: Jarran Reed   

Well, we’re back in “who the fuck is this guy” territory again. He’s in his third year with the team, having been drafted out of Alabama in 2016. He’s a DT, but I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. Pete Carroll called him “the heart and soul up front” for the Seahawks defence, and Bleacher Report – your aggregator of quality – called him Seattle’s “best kept secret”.

He better be as good as they say, because he’s now the effective captain up front, what with Michael Bennett & Sheldon Richardson gone.

Luckily, this game is against Andy Reid, who decided to jettison Alex Smith in favour of Patrick Mahomes. If the Seahawks can keep it close, Reid’s legendary clock-management skills should allow them to overcome any deficit in the last five minutes.

Week 8: Frank Clark  

Oh goody! For the final home game of the year, they’ve decided to put noted women’s rights activist Frank Clark on the ticket. It’s nice to know he’s more valuable to the team than Tavaris Jackson.

A reminder: Frank Clark was dismissed from Michigan football because he “allegedly punched his girlfriend in the face, threw her to the ground and pinned her down on a bed during a fight”. After joining the Seahawks, he trolled a female reporter who questioned the team & her ability to continue supporting them in light of his signing.

The 2017 season was Clark’s first one as a full-time starter. He had 9 sacks & 19 tackles, so by the end of the year he was one of the few bright lights on a depleted Seahawks defence.

Possibly, this game might be a chance for the Seahawks to reach .500, if some bounces go their way during the regular season. There’s no way Sam Bradford stays healthy to make it to Week 17, so the Seahawks might see either rookie QB Josh Rosen or veteran clipboard holder Mike Glennon. The Seahawks have enough of a defence to possibly make this game their highlight reel.

Conclusion:

The Seahawks have every chance to go 4-4 at home this year. They should be able to beat the Chargers, 49ers, Chiefs & Week 17 Cardinals. If they can sneak out one more home win – probably their only chance is against the Cowboys – a 5-3 record at home is something positive they can build on. Looking at their road schedule, they should be able to beat the Broncos, Bears, Raiders (in London) and Lions. If they can pull a 9-7 record out of this mess of a roster, then it proves Pete Carroll is a wizard.

If they finish 6-10, he’s done.

Honestly, it’s hard to tell what will happen, given this roster full of “Who’s that?”, “Don’t we have any running backs?”, “Where’s Jon Ryan?” and “At least Sea-Bass isn’t Blair Walsh”. It feels like I might be selling a few more tickets this year; even if I lose money per game, just keeping it against next year’s purchase feels like a win. And that might be the saddest thing of all.

Well, that’s it for me. Hopefully, I haven’t offended Beastmode, and I look forward to his triumphant return to glory next year.