Meh. It’s sunny and warm here. TO THE GAMES!
Brownies/Saints:
He gone. Rumour has it Josh Gordon showed up to the Browns practice facility and was “not himself”. High. He was high. Funny thing, when I started doing these game intros I was told there would be no meth. smh.
Bolts/Bills:
Last week Buffalo was Nathan Peterman’s team. After the D gave up 369 yardos the brain trust decided that it should be Josh Allen’s team. Last week’s “I don’t think Allen is ready yet” morphed into “Gentlemen, after very careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Josh Allen is ready-ish”.
Chefs/Stillers:
Both Pittsburgh corners are banged up and that’s not going to cut it vs. Mahomes & Co’s vertical, mid-field and short passing game. More bad news? Steelers defenders were flummoxed by Tire Rod’s jaunts out of the pocket last week and they meet up with another qb with the same ability to scramble.
Colts/’Dacteds:
The Architect didn’t exactly baby his arm last week after nearly 2 full years on the sideline. He completed 39 passes at a 74% rate for 300 yards. T.Y. Hilton looks forward to being fantasy-relevant again. (not really, he’s probably happy to have a competent signal-caller under center)
Fins/Jests:
Key to success for them Jerts? Keep Fanny Hill in 3rd and long sitchamucations-the only qb with worse numbers goes by the name of Bortles. Tons of interceptions? YES. I don’t throw around the word ‘retard’ very easily but I think the Jets long bout with irrelevance will be slightly retarded this year.
Iggles/Bucs:
The TB O that tossed 48 points onto the scoreboard last week vs. the Saints might just give Philly a bit of a headache. DeSean looks as though he’ll play which will open the field up for the likes of wr’s Evans and Godwin, te Howard and rb Barber. Looks as though Wentz is about two weeks away.
Panthers/Falcons:
Both teams are banged up as hell with the advantage going to Atlanta because they’ve got Tevin “No, it’s not Kevin, dammit!” Coleman starting in place of DeVonta. In this spot he usually gets 18-20 carries on top of his 6-7 targets in the passing game. He’s also good for a TD average-wise. Start that fella and don’t look back.
Texans/Titans:
Coach Vrabel said that both qb’s were going to play today. Huh? That shit never works. Thing is, no matter who is throwing the ball, they should have a great time against a Texans secondary that is signing kids off the street due to numerous injury issues.
Vikes/Pack:
The spinning eyeballs, the clipped speech-Rodgers post-game interview was one for the ages last week. He’s listed as questionable. Wait. Nope. He’s starting. Maybe. If he is this will be one hell of a game for the second week of the season.
Today’s games look good. You can make them even better by being your funny selves. Do it.
LOL Kelce and his really dumb muscle celebration moves
That Bills player is ded.
“At least he died for nothing.”
-a nihilist
He should sue the league if they didn’t blow it dead immediately
Anudder Luckerception. ‘Dacteds taking, but not giving back.
LUCKCEPTION 2: ELECTRIC BROKENARMALOO
“Will Buffalo ever win?”
-Mr. Burns, reading the sports page tomorrow
oopsie doodle, no BasketballDOWN
Airball?
Hey DARNOLD
This should be our thing.
HEY DARNOLD!
#RetardStrength!
Oh Cleveland, never change.
yeah, that is NAWT how you get Draw #2
/though I could use Lutz FG x3
Minny headhunting on Adams
Bubbalo with the score!
Njoku here under the goalpost please.
Give the damn ball to hyde
Glad for you.
Much like Steve Irwin, my fantasy hopes are dead in the water.
Browns look……….good?
keep eating that fiber
Hee!
Factory strike!
certainly competent and salcap hell finally caught up w/ NO
2020!
Damn — what was Steve Keon drinking when he let Blaine Gabbert walk and sign with TEN?
Anti-freeze.
Cousins you suck.
What is the 1st question on Alabama e-harmony.
Halftime break question: I have naturally dry skin and recently moved to a really dry area. As a result, my skin is dryer than sandpaper and I wake up in the morning with literally no saliva in my mouth.
Anyone have naturally dry skin and living in a super arid place have any tips on how to avoid looking like a leather bag? This is getting out of hand
Stay hydrated, exfoliate and lots of lotion
Yeah, I’m doing that already and it’s still a horror show 🙁
You might need to drink more water than you think, like 4L/day
don’t worry, we still think ur pretty!
It’s moisturizing season! Every night before bed, and a humidifier in your bed room.
humidifier?
Yes to all of this. If you’ve ever lived in an area that gets snow in winter, then it’s much the same approach – hydration, exfoliation, good-quality lotion after each shower and hand wash, humidifier, and hair conditioner if yours tends to be dry. (Ask a female friend how she handles it – we have thinner skin so have to be more careful with it.)
ETA: If you’re already leathery, get to your local big-box store / beauty shop and get a good hydrating mask and some heavy-duty moisturizer.
September ’18 Fitzmagic = September ’06 Sex Cannon
Did you know he went to DeVry?
“Fuck it, I’m going derp …”
He is the ultimate backup tease.
This game is more rigged than a 19th century Barque
Yinzers = New P*ts
DOINK!
Yeah Hippo, you were saying the Steelers were dead?…………….the refs always bring them back.
Hey, there was a kickoff penalty. How can that be rigged??????
also said pre-game that refs is why I wouldn’t bet the ML
Fast Forward To Monday/
League Office: “Yeah, Ben was over the line of scrimmage. [shrugs shoulders] What are ya gonna do?”
AND confirm the TD?!
They charge an injury timeout while they’re doing a video review of a scoring play?
wait, the factory of sadness is possibly gonna have yet another day off on monday?
Someone should tell the Chiefs that there’s more than 1Q in each game
The Chiefs have been having that problem since 1539
Ben over the line?
#MeToo
one good alex smith pass, and then LOLdacteds
That was very Jestian of them
Andy Reid applaudes the Jets time management
“Coach Reid, don’t you think that going to the Prevent D at the end of the first quarter might be a bit early?”
Jets going to Jest
More like BosUNwell, AMIRIGHT?
Dildo throwers look like they may not score a touchdown all year.
Maybe they’ll start throwing buttplugs
Ok, no idea if that was in or what the flag is, but damn that was a hell of a catch
I’ve definitely had enough of Tampa’s shit
You shouldn’t have any, that’s how you get cholera
Nah, this is Tampa. That’s you you get MRSA.
Iggles? Not great, Bob!
Bills kick another FG. Very depressing.
*Has Jesse James on the bench*
FOR FUCKS SAKE!
Fuck him. Too many tattoos and he’s a cheater.
Fine with the tats, not so much with the cheatering, but damn I could use those points
Running a 2-minute offense all pilled-out is no easy feat, buhleeve me!!
Tackling Aaron Rodgers 15 yard penalty.
21-nil…LOLphins??
Missed extra point
I’m feeling good with my FFL today.
CBS Exec: “Why don’t we re-boot that dolphin show from the 60’s?”
Millenial: “You got it chief. I’ll give it a bit of a post-modern twist.”
‘dacted fans now booing a 1-yard gain on an alex smith screen on 3rd and 15
That seems like a reasonable thing to boo
but what were they expecting, 4 yards?
It’s always correct to boo mediocrity, even if you were expecting it
Like booing a dog for kicking its bollocks, though
Hey look, KC is gonna fuck this up before halftime.
choking early rather than late might be the smartest thing andy reid has done in a while
I wonder if this is triggering any Bears fans.
I haven’t seen dick today re: teh footbawling, but it looks like starting Ebron was me being smrt.
Yay me.
Chiefs were murderkilling the Steelers, but now they’re sorta making a comeback
Also, Cam did get murderkilled, but is still in the game somehow
Other game synopsis?
Packers blocked the Vikings first punt and caught it in the endzone. Rodgers is playing with a big ‘ol brace and caused 50 heart attacks by running for a first down and diving headfirst into two defenders. Back and forth since then, Packers up by 7 with a chance to score before the half.
‘The Chiefs will spread you out like that’
It’s their “Canape Offense”.
An improvement over their Pâté defense.
Andy Reid gets most inspiration from butter
Submitted for your approval, we replace “sliced bread” with “pre-shelled pistachios” in the ol’ “best thing since” saying.
3 TDs for Melvin. Yeah BOY!
Even if the Jets comeback and win, the Lolphins have done more than enough to expose them as a mediocre team.
Exposing the Jets is a really low bar to avoid tripping over