Instant(ish) Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2018

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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Due to some general physical malaise, I am typing this in the morning.  Que lastima.

What a joy it is for the sad in life (hey, LIKE ME!!) to watch a placement kicker melt down in real time.  Of all people, Green Bay’s Mason Crosby had his turn in the barrel Sunday, Blair Walshing an extra point and four FGs, before making one with 2 ticks left to cut the final margin of defeat in the Cuck Liouns’ dome to 31-23.  It was 24-nil at the half, and yes, it was another testament to the historic greatness of Aaron Rodgers.  He is gonna snap and kill his teammates any moment, yes?  He did admit his knee was starting to hurt worse after this match (start the eerie foreboding noises).

#ThePauls’ replacement kicker wasn’t much better, missing both an extra point and the game winner at the end of regulation.  But he got another chance at the end of the overtime period, and sadly we were denied another BelieveLAND Draw.  We came SO CLOSE today, that fucker was a dying quail if ever there was such a thing (kick-wise).  We were all waiting on this version of the Ratbirds to arrive, in time for cotillion season.

Baker Mayfield was not alone amongst the rookie class to do the winner, winner, chicken dinner thing.  But he doesn’t get to sit at the cool kids’ table because he failed to complete 10 – and exactly 10 – passes like the other Heathers.  Dunno if under 50% was also a requirement, but Brokeback QB gets a mulligan for finishing under 100 yards, which is hard to do in the modern NFL (non-Tebow category).  Yet Buffalo still somehow won 13-12, since Los Totanicos’ last FG drive (set up by a Brokeback pickerception, natch) didn’t end up in a TD or chew up enough clock.  TN did their “bird on a wire” act one too many times, and got bitten at the gun.

That leaves Chosen Rosen, who got a decently easy 28-18 win over the Tomsulas (and the less said about it, the better – ugly as sin, and Birdcano just thanks Chandler Jones for existing in humanoid form) and Sam “Touch of Downs” Darnold.  Now, I am a Donks fan and have learned how to take most of our pitch-shitting in stride.  But when you need garbage time AND a pick-6 saving tackle at the 1 on the game’s last play to make the final look “competitive” at 34-16…Hippo feel all caveman.  Remember the opposing QB hit on 10 forward passes, and less than 50%.  Imagine playing against somebody who wasn’t in some kind of Special Needs Make-a-Wish program.  /teeth ground to nubs

There was good to be found, though.  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! got tested, and tested to the edge of their capabilities.  They were found worthy, and won on an OKC Bomber bollocks on the Thanksgiving dinner table (but mathematically correct, he knew what kind of game it was) 4th and inches QB sneak with 1:45 to play, on his half of the field.  Hey, you feel better about picking up a few inches on a surprise sneak (SeaTruthers were out of timeouts and had prepared for the punt team before the last timeout was taken), or preventing a FG in a 33-31 shootout environment, on the road against Charmslinger?  Gutty win where they were down Robert Woods and Cooper Kupp to head owies, yet persevered (even after a missed Q4 extra point at 31-30).   Baby Buster wasn’t perfect, but he kept his team together, moving forward at all times.  He’s the real deal.  So is RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!  One worries a bit about how well the Chris Carson/Mike Davis tandem ran the ball on ’em, though.  Keep a pin in that.

Also for realsies?  The Chefs, and Andy Reid’s Coach of the Year campaign.  Mahomes-y and crew just picked the Jaguras’ bones clean, 30-14.  KC’s defense showed up to the party this week, and if that’s any harbinger, then prepare your anuses for a Chefs/RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! Superb Owl.  They travel to Masshole-land for the Sunday nighter next week.  They’ll win.

I had the Striped Pylons written off as frauds after the first half, but they stormed back to win (and thankfully cover) late, 27-17.  The defense played much better, and Beatie Mixon carried the offense.  Clearly the team to beat in the AFC North, though next week brings a big test.

For Yinzburgh finally had the “complete game” white ethnic sportswriters have been dying to jism over.  Either that, or the Falcons finally had their collapse game that had only been a matter of time in the making.  Anyway, 41-17 is quite the beatdown.

Kickers may have had a bad day in general, but don’t tell Graham Gano.  He nailed a 63-yarder – outdoors, at sea level – to beat Los Gigantes 33-31.  In no way, shape, or form did the Black Panthers deserve to win this game, but that’s the way it goes.  OBJ had a long TD pass to Saquon, that was pretty sweet.

Even the Shitty Clippers can get their merde together enough to muster a “home” win against Gruden’s Grinders, 26-10.  No, the game was never really that close.  Yes, they really did throw a pickerception from the 1 (on 1st and goal) rather than feed Beastmode.  At least this fuels Rikki’s excellent situation comedy writing.

Almost forgot Vikes/Iggles, where Minny got some faint revenge for their home NFC Championship loss, 23-21.  The scoreline is only close thanks to Philly Q4 rallying, including a garbage time TD followed by failed onside kick.  Dakota Jeebus makes some very questionable decisions out there, I noticed.

Lastly, we had the mediocre, but close, SNF all-Texas match.  The non-gendered Cowpersons defensing unit deserves a fuckton of credit for keeping them in this fixture at all thwarting the 500s inside the 5 on multiple occasions.  But Ginger Balls punted on 4th and 1 in OT, then Watson-to-Hopkins was just too much when only a FG was needed to win.  19-16 to the 500s.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Don TballsofsteelandfuryWakezillascotchnauttheeWeeBabySeamus Recent comment authors
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Don T

Tits were thin again at OL and committed 3 tutnovers. BUT the Titans defense & special teams are 4 realz.
If not for DROPS! Goddammit.

scotchnaut

Well, I’m off to the gym*.

*bar

scotchnaut

Daphne wants the batcock.

scotchnaut

Hearing “zoinks!” really takes me back-

It was after the prom and I was taking my pants off, Sally turned round and…

scotchnaut

Gonna watch Scooby-Doo! & Batman: The Brave and the Bold on Teletoon until the sports rears its beautiful head.

far away, Redshirt feels his pony senses tingling…

Wakezilla

Season 1 of Batman:B&B was excellent and shocked me how dark it could get

scotchnaut

I could use an EPL tilt and maybe some hockey today. That would be nice heading into the Monday Nighter.

1pm Sens @ Bruins-there ya go!

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s my attention too, while I try out the slow cook setting on my Instant Pot.

I totally love that thing.

scotchnaut

Is an open afternoon thread for baseball, hockey and general shenanigans in the offing?

theeWeeBabySeamus

No idea. I’ve been out of the loop. To say the least.
Shall I throw something up?

– K. Carpenter.

scotchnaut

If no toes are stepped on, sure.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Crap, now I gotta actually do some work around here again.

DAMMIT SCOTCHY!!!!!!!

scotchnaut

teh politeness gets those suckers every time

Wakezilla

Enjoy watching the 2022 Ice Chiefs lose to the Ice P*ts.

Thomas Chabot is looking good though

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh sorry….

I forgot to wish all of you a Happy “Guy Who Ripped Off Spain and Didn’t Really Discover North America and Got Arrested For It” Day.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As a Bears fan, I welcome the Mason Crosby meltdown

ballsofsteelandfury
litre_cola

Worst gambling and FF day in a while. Will win only 1 of my matchups if Kamara and Lutz get 11 pts. At least it is my money league.
The weekend,
ASU loses
Winnipeg Ice Bombers lose,
Teh mighty Fulham lose,
Iggles lose,
Money lost,
Matchups lost.

What a thanksgiving weekend….

litre_cola

I ate 6 Yorkshire puddings yesterday so that was the highlight.

theeWeeBabySeamus

At first, I read that as “Yorkshire Terriers”.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Fronkenshteen

Are the .500s still front-runnerish in the Lev Bell Sweepstakes? They’d be fucking deadly with him and he wouldn’t have to touch the ball 40 times a game, either. [stares daggers at Tomlin] Also, they OWE it to Nuk; and I don’t think that’s putting too fine a point on it, either.

theeWeeBabySeamus

For now….Arizona. But there’s no guarantee they can complete a sign and trade. Or even that they will ship him out. It’s all very fluid.

blaxabbath

Arizona won’t get him. They’re still in blow up mode.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Agreed. I can’t imagine, given all of the parties involved, that deal ever gets done.

Horatio Cornblower

I was ready to credit Princeton Red for some good play-calling, and then he punted on 4th and 1 in OT and it all went to hell. Seriously, grow a pair.

Fronkenshteen

I’m sure Jerrah just LOVED that call. Especially in The Battle of Texas meathead bowl.

Fronkenshteen

I would rather have Crowell and Powell over Freeman and Coleman. Come at me.

Fronkenshteen

So now that Buck Allen fumbled, too, does Alex Collins get goal-line carries again?
Didn’t think so. *SIGH*

theeWeeBabySeamus

AFC del Norte is ass. One and all. It will be a crime when one of them actually gets into the playoffs.

They should all transfer into the ACC Coastal.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yet they are all .500 or better!

But yeah, ass.

ballsofsteelandfury

Btw, that’s not sarcasm, i’m agreeing with you. I’ve no idea how these teams have the records they do.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I understood your meaning, no worries.

And the reason is because they all suck, just some moar than others on rotating weeks so far.

blaxabbath

I watched about the entire Cardinals game. That team is a fucking dumpster fire outside of Jones and Peterson on the D. And the 49ers suck exactly as bad as a Jed York team should. Still, crypt-keeping RB Alfred Morris had over 20 touches and, with the Cards D AGAIN being stranded by the three-and-our machine that is the Mike McCoy offfemse, Morris looked posed to take any of those plays to the house.

You can write off next week @MIN but I’ll be tuning into their TNF game vs DEN just for the “there has to be a better way!” highlights.

Then ARI has a week nine bye and may very well go winless after that, including some some impending hammerings (@KC, DET, RAMMIT). All, though, we’ll-deserved as Mike Bidwill was a vocal supporter of his classmate

  • Judge
  • Justice McDrunkRapey.

    Fronkenshteen

    PLEASE tell me Fitz doesn’t share his political outlook.

    blaxabbath

    11 generally stays out of speaking up on issues of politics. You know, like the Democratic Party.

    ballsofsteelandfury

    Seattle screwed up again at the end of the game. The Rams punt team was on the field and were getting ready to punt and Dipshit Steel Beams Don’t Melt called the timeout. That gave the Rams all the time they needed to realize that going for it was the right call and they pulled the punt team back.

    Fronkenshteen

    I know I KNOW I know. Parlays are sucker bets. But goddamn Miami for giving up 27 unanswered. I HAD that fucking game…