Your “Oh Gawd! I Can’t Feel My Eyes!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Thread

The football. It burns! But in a good way. There’s still more to come. TO THE GAMES!

Saints/Ravens:

For the seeming twenty-eleventh year in a row, Baltimore has thrown together a magnificent smash-your-teeth-in defense that takes no prisoners. It’s the sort of unit that had very little trouble white-washing the Titans last week but faces an uphill battle today. What with rb Ingram back and the youngster wr Tre’Quan Smith spreading his newly-sprouted wings, the Saints have more than enough tools in their kit to put pressure on the Ravens. I’m guessing that if Ingram and wr Scott get nullified by an 8 man front and Jimmy Smith respectively, there will be space for Kamala to do his thing. I’m thinking a Saints win and Brees gets just a single TD throw and a W.

Rams/Niners:

All signs point to a beat down but what of “roadkill” Goff? He does love himself his home field after all. But lo, a hobbled cb Sherman (a game-timer) appears on the horizon. No matter. The numbers don’t lie-the Niners give up 4 ypr and the Rams average 5.1. That means that Gurley will be doing damage to the tune of 4.55 yards each and every time he rushes. That should be enough to put San Fran to bed.

Cowboys/Dacted’s:

Rumor goin’ round the Washington camp is that they are kicking the tires on Amari Cooper. Because of course they are. They love big-name players that under-produce. Meanwhile, over in Dallasland them ‘Boys are inquiring about acquiring the services about the aforementioned Cooper. Because of course they are. The love themselves those larger-than-life wr’s that over-talk their talent. This tilt is supposedly going to separate the wheat from the chaff in the NFC East but the analogy fails when no one can find any wheat in the division whatsoever.

[wipes sweat from brow] I, uh, we, can do this! [faints]

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Petronel

Dak got jacked [up]

Col. Duke LaCross

Räikkönen!

King Hippo

Baby Buster in a slump. This is bothersome.

King Hippo

Saints looked like lined up offsides anyway

King Hippo

/also both coaches may be on acid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Petronel

Clock-cam at FedEx having some minor issues today.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[looks at slate of afternoon games]

Well, that lawn ain’t gonna mow itself.

Unless…

[turns off sprinkler system]

[waits three weeks]

Aha!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

HA HA HA HA HA TAKE THAT STUPID BROWNS!

FUCK YOU HUE JACKSON MAY THIS FRANCHISE NEVER WIN ANOTHER GAME WHILE YOU HOLD THE REINS!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You…..seem…..angry…..

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, more pathetic than angry. The only joy I can take from football this season is in spreading my misery to others.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Why don’t you have a seat on the early 70s Space Couch and have a beer.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Oh, well. Let’s see who I got on the Late Afternoon games.

No. Not that. Not just Cowboys-Insensitive Characteristics as my only game!!!!

Doktor Zymm

Wow. Baker Mayfield has just discovered what it is to be a Brown.

litre_cola

You could see it when it finally hit him.

Redshirt

I look forward to seeing this as a GIF later this week.

Dunstan

CURSE YOU BUCCANEERS!

Mr. Ayo

Holy shit! Only #ThePauls

King Hippo

YUP

Doktor Zymm

What what’s the challenge?

King Hippo

they want an extra half-yard

Redshirt

Shouldn’t that be a penalty for Delay of Game?

litre_cola

Mental

Redshirt

Oh, Shank’lor. We beseech thee.

Redshirt

Come on, Bucs. Play for the punt.

Doktor Zymm

What do we want? TIES
When do we want them? IN ROUGHLY 2 MINUTES GAME TIME

bk109

Goddamn it, don’t jinx it!

bk109

“3rd & 29 at TB 45” Famous Jameis makes a really good argument for FitzMagic!

Doktor Zymm

KILL THE WINSTON! CUT HIS THROAT!

Redshirt

Adrestia, the Goddess of Equilibrium, demands a tie!

Doktor Zymm

2-3-2! 2-3-2!

Dunstan

Normally, Jameis Winston’s mistake is taking a sack of crabs.

Uh, or committing sexual assault.

Sorry, that got dark quickly.

litre_cola

This Browns Bucs game is ridiculous

King Hippo

is it Buster to Gurley Man time?

King Hippo

Ka…pri…Bibbs??

Doktor Zymm

He’s got his own type of lettuce

Doktor Zymm

ALSO Alfred Morris’s number

Dunstan

Oh, Browns.

King Hippo

DRAW DRAW DRAW!!!

King Hippo

/SIGH

Doktor Zymm

SO CLOSE TO 2-3-2!!!

Doktor Zymm

This is the ‘Battle for First Place in the NFC East’

The NFC East is a sad, sad place.

King Hippo

I need better RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! than that

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shoulda been a Redactedception.

Bad call. But still benefited the Snyders.

Doktor Zymm

Oops!
-NO Saints

King Hippo

not a great day for functionally retarded QBs

Redshirt

Aw hell, that’s not good for tonight.

King Hippo

Hey now, Gingerhood ain’t retardation. Just really unfortunate.

Doktor Zymm

Oh dear god my eyes those Rams unis

Redshirt

They didn’t. (types in Rams website) They didn’t. (sees uniforms; transition eye glass kick in) They did.

Dunstan

Ye gods! Who are they, the Banana Splits?

King Hippo

really liked the end of that game, b/c NE and CHI both played it correctly

Redshirt

You can’t fault the Bears on that one. They did it right, it just wasn’t meant to be.

King Hippo

EXACTLY. It was master-level chess.

Doktor Zymm

2-3-2! 2-3-2!

theeWeeBabySeamus

It would be symmetrical!!!!!!

litre_cola

Kevin White can catch?

Doktor Zymm

Hail Mary, except Mary was gang tackled before the Divine Ejaculation

Doktor Zymm

Damn, that’s a hell of an end

King Hippo

SO CLOSE

fleshwound_NPG

your bearistocrats prophecy was so close, yet soooo .500

King Hippo

season not over, mah imaginary fren!

King Hippo

EXCELLENT time management

Doktor Zymm

Meh. I have to stop drinking because I’m probably going to have to drive to Palo Alto to have lunch/dinner with my cousin in a couple hours. I’ll also have to put on pants. Double lose.

Fronkenshteen

You should pour liquor on your sister and have dinner with your pants.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I really want to make a joke.
But I won’t.

Fronkenshteen

Bonus “SEVEN HOURS!!!”
Neat.

Fronkenshteen

More Njoku-points are nigh!

King Hippo

HIPPO NEED

King Hippo

Canyanero? NAH!

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, at this point, I want the Browns to get another tie.
Holy shit that would be awesome.

Doktor Zymm

Dallas also said to be scouting COOOOOP. No matter who get him, it won’t be a good team.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G59JnM4JKNQ

Doktor Zymm

Conveniently enough, this includes him not being traded

Fronkenshteen

To everyone passive aggressively busting my balls for watching football; fuck. off.

King Hippo

HUZZAH!!

Doktor Zymm

Just brazen it out, that’s always the best response to passive aggressive. Pisses them off to no end if they think you don’t get it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, that’s not funny.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just you wait until Flacco gets the ball in his hands and….well….

Dammit.

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