The football. It burns! But in a good way. There’s still more to come. TO THE GAMES!
Saints/Ravens:
For the seeming twenty-eleventh year in a row, Baltimore has thrown together a magnificent smash-your-teeth-in defense that takes no prisoners. It’s the sort of unit that had very little trouble white-washing the Titans last week but faces an uphill battle today. What with rb Ingram back and the youngster wr Tre’Quan Smith spreading his newly-sprouted wings, the Saints have more than enough tools in their kit to put pressure on the Ravens. I’m guessing that if Ingram and wr Scott get nullified by an 8 man front and Jimmy Smith respectively, there will be space for Kamala to do his thing. I’m thinking a Saints win and Brees gets just a single TD throw and a W.
Rams/Niners:
All signs point to a beat down but what of “roadkill” Goff? He does love himself his home field after all. But lo, a hobbled cb Sherman (a game-timer) appears on the horizon. No matter. The numbers don’t lie-the Niners give up 4 ypr and the Rams average 5.1. That means that Gurley will be doing damage to the tune of 4.55 yards each and every time he rushes. That should be enough to put San Fran to bed.
Cowboys/Dacted’s:
Rumor goin’ round the Washington camp is that they are kicking the tires on Amari Cooper. Because of course they are. They love big-name players that under-produce. Meanwhile, over in Dallasland them ‘Boys are inquiring about acquiring the services about the aforementioned Cooper. Because of course they are. The love themselves those larger-than-life wr’s that over-talk their talent. This tilt is supposedly going to separate the wheat from the chaff in the NFC East but the analogy fails when no one can find any wheat in the division whatsoever.
[wipes sweat from brow] I, uh, we, can do this! [faints]
https://www.revelist.com/books/books-fuckboys-read/3289/
Dak got jacked [up]
Räikkönen!
Baby Buster in a slump. This is bothersome.
Saints looked like lined up offsides anyway
/also both coaches may be on acid
Clock-cam at FedEx having some minor issues today.
[looks at slate of afternoon games]
Well, that lawn ain’t gonna mow itself.
Unless…
[turns off sprinkler system]
[waits three weeks]
Aha!
“We have to play Beathard. Why not throw some Mostert in there as well?”
-Niners coaching staff
HA HA HA HA HA TAKE THAT STUPID BROWNS!
FUCK YOU HUE JACKSON MAY THIS FRANCHISE NEVER WIN ANOTHER GAME WHILE YOU HOLD THE REINS!
You…..seem…..angry…..
No, more pathetic than angry. The only joy I can take from football this season is in spreading my misery to others.
Why don’t you have a seat on the early 70s Space Couch and have a beer.
“The name’s Beer. Jane Beer.”
Oh, well. Let’s see who I got on the Late Afternoon games.
No. Not that. Not just Cowboys-Insensitive Characteristics as my only game!!!!
Wow. Baker Mayfield has just discovered what it is to be a Brown.
You could see it when it finally hit him.
I look forward to seeing this as a GIF later this week.
CURSE YOU BUCCANEERS!
Holy shit! Only #ThePauls
YUP
What what’s the challenge?
they want an extra half-yard
Shouldn’t that be a penalty for Delay of Game?
Mental
Oh, Shank’lor. We beseech thee.
Come on, Bucs. Play for the punt.
What do we want? TIES
When do we want them? IN ROUGHLY 2 MINUTES GAME TIME
Goddamn it, don’t jinx it!
“3rd & 29 at TB 45” Famous Jameis makes a really good argument for FitzMagic!
KILL THE WINSTON! CUT HIS THROAT!
Adrestia, the Goddess of Equilibrium, demands a tie!
2-3-2! 2-3-2!
Normally, Jameis Winston’s mistake is taking a sack of crabs.
Uh, or committing sexual assault.
Sorry, that got dark quickly.
This Browns Bucs game is ridiculous
Rammers get the TO
is it Buster to Gurley Man time?
Quite acceptable.
Ka…pri…Bibbs??
He’s got his own type of lettuce
ALSO Alfred Morris’s number
Oh, Browns.
DRAW DRAW DRAW!!!
/SIGH
SO CLOSE TO 2-3-2!!!
This is the ‘Battle for First Place in the NFC East’
The NFC East is a sad, sad place.
“The NFC East is where nightmares go to re-charge.”
I need better RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! than that
Shoulda been a Redactedception.
Bad call. But still benefited the Snyders.
Oops!
-NO Saints
not a great day for functionally retarded QBs
Aw hell, that’s not good for tonight.
Hey now, Gingerhood ain’t retardation. Just really unfortunate.
Oh dear god my eyes those Rams unis
They didn’t. (types in Rams website) They didn’t. (sees uniforms; transition eye glass kick in) They did.
Ye gods! Who are they, the Banana Splits?
really liked the end of that game, b/c NE and CHI both played it correctly
You can’t fault the Bears on that one. They did it right, it just wasn’t meant to be.
EXACTLY. It was master-level chess.
2-3-2! 2-3-2!
It would be symmetrical!!!!!!
The Ravens D has been left on the field longer than the dead at Antietam.
Kevin White can catch?
Hail Mary, except Mary was gang tackled before the Divine Ejaculation
Damn, that’s a hell of an end
SO CLOSE
your bearistocrats prophecy was so close, yet soooo .500
season not over, mah imaginary fren!
EXCELLENT time management
Saints may as well go for it on 4th again. Wish granted!
Meh. I have to stop drinking because I’m probably going to have to drive to Palo Alto to have lunch/dinner with my cousin in a couple hours. I’ll also have to put on pants. Double lose.
You should pour liquor on your sister and have dinner with your pants.
I really want to make a joke.
But I won’t.
Bonus “SEVEN HOURS!!!”
Neat.
More Njoku-points are nigh!
HIPPO NEED
Weddlebeard Sighting!
Canyanero? NAH!
OK, at this point, I want the Browns to get another tie.
Holy shit that would be awesome.
Dallas also said to be scouting COOOOOP. No matter who get him, it won’t be a good team.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G59JnM4JKNQ
Conveniently enough, this includes him not being traded
To everyone passive aggressively busting my balls for watching football; fuck. off.
HUZZAH!!
Just brazen it out, that’s always the best response to passive aggressive. Pisses them off to no end if they think you don’t get it.
Saints go for it on fourth and short on their side of the field and make. BAM! Right out of the gate.
Hey, that’s not funny.
It was more of an observation with a bit of Emeril thrown in, tbh.
Just you wait until Flacco gets the ball in his hands and….well….
Dammit.