This was going to be another Senor in the Underworld post. It was going to be a sit-in on the poker night that Hades referred to last time, with Hades, Persephone, Senor, and maybe a couple of others, maybe the redhead with the axe referenced from the Pro Bowl post—that would be the Fire Emblem Heroes iteration of Fire Emblem secret shopkeeper, and the “RNG Goddess,” Anna—the goddess joke is why she got the allusion in the first place, because dammit I think I’m clever. There would be a couple of cameos, probably by Prometheus and Sisyphus, maybe Orpheus or Icarus since I referenced them last time too, because, again, dammit I think I’m clever. I was going to do all this, and it would be a little bit funny, and a little bit disappointing, like any modestly-successful franchise after the first few installments as bigwigs try and wring the last ounce of whatever from the intellectual property, like blood from a stone.
Yes, I was going to do all these things. But then there was the shitshow that ensued this past Sunday afternoon, and thank goodness I was getting ready to go to a gig so I was getting dressed and had my phone doing the directions, because woof. How do you lose 41-10, to these Bills, starting Matt Barkley, at home?
The answer of course is, it’s the Jets. After all, it’s the Jets that ended the Browns’ futility, losing 21-17 in Cleveland Week 3 for the home side’s first win since 2016, because half-wins don’t count. They can play up/down to the mediocrely bad teams to beat them, like beating up on the Lions on Monday night Week 1, even after Hey Darnold! spotted them an opening pick six. They beat the Donks and the Colts, with highlights such as the second-longest play to ever not result in a touchdown (the Marcus Maye 104-yard interception return on the last play of the game against Denver… where he got taken down at the 1) and kicker Jason Myers setting a franchise record for most field goals made in a game in the win over Indy (7). So he’s been pretty good I guess, he’s on my fantasy team in the DFO league though I’m dropping him for another kicker, not sure who yet.
They do enough to lose to the mediocre-to-decent teams, losing both their divisional games to the perfectly cromulently average 5-5 Dolphins (20-12 Week 2 at home, 13-6 Week 9 in Miami where they held the Dolphins to like 150 yards and lost), and losing to the Jags (before the bottom fell out). And the good teams you’d expect them to lose to they do, like the Vikes and Bears. But the dregs of the league, whether they’re considered part of it (I say they are) or not? It gets ugly. Because they’re the Jets. And they continue to be the Jets, no matter who is under center, for eternity.
So maybe Sam Darnold had moments of cromulence, if not competence, if not actually being good. Glimmers and flashes, especially during those two wins over the Donks and Clots. Like when he still had people to throw to, because Robby Anderson got
another DUI hurt, as did Terrelle Pryor, who they released. And then signed with the Bills actually, even if he was released by Buffalo on Tuesday. There’ve also been some injuries to the CBs, since I believe Trumaine Johnson and Buster Skrine were both banged up. Even Darnold is banged up, since, I don’t know if you wanna say “lucky him,” but yes, he had a sprained foot to miss that game, and possibly won’t play until December. So that fun time we all just witnessed was on Josh McCown’s shoulders!
But either way it’s not enough to help a QB. The defense that scored a whole bunch of takeaways early in the season hasn’t been racking them up recently, leading to giving up 30+ points in three of the last five games, and four of the last seven. But that’s nothing compared to the offense falling off a cliff. At one point the Jets had scored one touchdown in their last 31 or so possessions, starting after the second TD they scored in the Vikings game. Either way, they’ve had a total of two in the last three weeks. I would call that an almost Senorian level of scoring, but due to recent events it’s now actually WORSE than that. (A phantom force slaps Senor on the ass, HARD.) Ouch!
…So yeah, after a promising start, it has not been good. Which is the Jets to my memory, a decent enough to give you hope September and October team that crashes and burns and becomes the eternal Jets Jetsing in November and December. And what do they have the rest of the way to try and counteract the skid? Lessee…
I would normally say they should beat the Bills, but… should they? I mean the Bills suck, but the Jets are the Jets, and we saw what happened and that was at home. So I’m gonna go out on a limb and say they finish at 2-14.
“But wait, Senor! They’re already 3-7.” Yes, but as we know there’s always one game where they play fairly tough against the P*ts, and then another where they simultaneously get the shit kicked out of them and their shit kicked in. They ought to count that loss for two because the scoreboard’ll look like this
except no one on the Jets has Michael’s Secret Stuff (even if it’s just water), or any secret stuff for that matter because Spygate, probably. So yeah, 2-14. It’s the Jets. They’ll find a way. They always do. Serves me right for being hopeful about sports this year; I mean the LEAST objectionable champ was the Iggles because they beat a greater evil. Or the Warriors because inevitability. It got WORSE from there. The 2019 goal for the Yankees should not solely be to win the World Series. It should be to turn those fucks up north (except Mookie Betts, can’t hate on that dude) and the past year they had into a God. Damn. FOOTNOTE. But I digress.
To sum this team up, this unfortunately beloved annoyance of my existence, in three words: Death. Taxes. Jets.
Banner image of Death and Taxes (vs. Sewer Snake) via.