Jets at the Bye: A Jets at the Bye Post

Senor Weaselo

Senor Weaselo

Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn’t doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn’t happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
Senor Weaselo

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This was going to be another Senor in the Underworld post. It was going to be a sit-in on the poker night that Hades referred to last time, with Hades, Persephone, Senor, and maybe a couple of others, maybe the redhead with the axe referenced from the Pro Bowl post—that would be the Fire Emblem Heroes iteration of Fire Emblem secret shopkeeper, and the “RNG Goddess,” Anna—the goddess joke is why she got the allusion in the first place, because dammit I think I’m clever. There would be a couple of cameos, probably by Prometheus and Sisyphus, maybe Orpheus or Icarus since I referenced them last time too, because, again, dammit I think I’m clever. I was going to do all this, and it would be a little bit funny, and a little bit disappointing, like any modestly-successful franchise after the first few installments as bigwigs try and wring the last ounce of whatever from the intellectual property, like blood from a stone.

Yes, I was going to do all these things. But then there was the shitshow that ensued this past Sunday afternoon, and thank goodness I was getting ready to go to a gig so I was getting dressed and had my phone doing the directions, because woof. How do you lose 41-10, to these Bills, starting Matt Barkley, at home?

The answer of course is, it’s the Jets. After all, it’s the Jets that ended the Browns’ futility, losing 21-17 in Cleveland Week 3 for the home side’s first win since 2016, because half-wins don’t count. They can play up/down to the mediocrely bad teams to beat them, like beating up on the Lions on Monday night Week 1, even after Hey Darnold! spotted them an opening pick six. They beat the Donks and the Colts, with highlights such as the second-longest play to ever not result in a touchdown (the Marcus Maye 104-yard interception return on the last play of the game against Denver… where he got taken down at the 1) and kicker Jason Myers setting a franchise record for most field goals made in a game in the win over Indy (7). So he’s been pretty good I guess, he’s on my fantasy team in the DFO league though I’m dropping him for another kicker, not sure who yet.

They do enough to lose to the mediocre-to-decent teams, losing both their divisional games to the perfectly cromulently average 5-5 Dolphins (20-12 Week 2 at home, 13-6 Week 9 in Miami where they held the Dolphins to like 150 yards and lost), and losing to the Jags (before the bottom fell out). And the good teams you’d expect them to lose to they do, like the Vikes and Bears. But the dregs of the league, whether they’re considered part of it (I say they are) or not? It gets ugly. Because they’re the Jets. And they continue to be the Jets, no matter who is under center, for eternity.

So maybe Sam Darnold had moments of cromulence, if not competence, if not actually being good. Glimmers and flashes, especially during those two wins over the Donks and Clots. Like when he still had people to throw to, because Robby Anderson got another DUI hurt, as did Terrelle Pryor, who they released. And then signed with the Bills actually, even if he was released by Buffalo on Tuesday. There’ve also been some injuries to the CBs, since I believe Trumaine Johnson and Buster Skrine were both banged up. Even Darnold is banged up, since, I don’t know if you wanna say “lucky him,” but yes, he had a sprained foot to miss that game, and possibly won’t play until December. So that fun time we all just witnessed was on Josh McCown’s shoulders!

But either way it’s not enough to help a QB. The defense that scored a whole bunch of takeaways early in the season hasn’t been racking them up recently, leading to giving up 30+ points in three of the last five games, and four of the last seven. But that’s nothing compared to the offense falling off a cliff. At one point the Jets had scored one touchdown in their last 31 or so possessions, starting after the second TD they scored in the Vikings game. Either way, they’ve had a total of two in the last three weeks. I would call that an almost Senorian level of scoring, but due to recent events it’s now actually WORSE than that. (A phantom force slaps Senor on the ass, HARD.) Ouch!

…So yeah, after a promising start, it has not been good. Which is the Jets to my memory, a decent enough to give you hope September and October team that crashes and burns and becomes the eternal Jets Jetsing in November and December. And what do they have the rest of the way to try and counteract the skid? Lessee…

vs. N*E
@TEN
@ BUF
vs. 500s
vs. GB
@ N*E

I would normally say they should beat the Bills, but… should they? I mean the Bills suck, but the Jets are the Jets, and we saw what happened and that was at home. So I’m gonna go out on a limb and say they finish at 2-14.

“But wait, Senor! They’re already 3-7.” Yes, but as we know there’s always one game where they play fairly tough against the P*ts, and then another where they simultaneously get the shit kicked out of them and their shit kicked in. They ought to count that loss for two because the scoreboard’ll look like this

except no one on the Jets has Michael’s Secret Stuff (even if it’s just water), or any secret stuff for that matter because Spygate, probably. So yeah, 2-14. It’s the Jets. They’ll find a way. They always do. Serves me right for being hopeful about sports this year; I mean the LEAST objectionable champ was the Iggles because they beat a greater evil. Or the Warriors because inevitability. It got WORSE from there. The 2019 goal for the Yankees should not solely be to win the World Series. It should be to turn those fucks up north (except Mookie Betts, can’t hate on that dude) and the past year they had into a God. Damn. FOOTNOTE. But I digress.

To sum this team up, this unfortunately beloved annoyance of my existence, in three words: Death. Taxes. Jets.

Banner image of Death and Taxes (vs. Sewer Snake) via.

Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo
Senor Weaselo plays the violin. He tucks it right under his chin. When he isn't doing that, he enjoys watching his teams (Yankees, Jets, Knicks, and Rangers), trying to ingest enough capsaicin to make himself breathe fire (it hasn't happened yet), and scheming to acquire the Bryant Park zamboni.
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Senor WeaseloGratliffMoose -The End Is Well Nighballsofsteelandfurylitre_cola Recent comment authors
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Gratliff

A goddamn Fire Emblem reference in a Jets’ season-in-flames post. Truly among family here.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I rate this Jets post 9 of 11 at least. You broke down at least two ivory towers.

litre_cola

I do not think Sam Darnold will be very good and maybe by the time Dreamboat retires you will have another rebuild underway.

ballsofsteelandfury

USC QB (TM)

blaxabbath

It’s been sad reading this because I think of all the Todd Bowles #content that was never started for fear that he’d be fired any minute now.

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

Todd Bowles’ Jets are the ultimate football cock tease.

Year 1: Start 5-5, win five in a row including two OT games against rivals, then Fitzpatrick shits Crimson all over the field in Buffalo in Week 17 and Rex gets revenge.

Year 2: Start 3-5, finish 5-11 with losses that include a 9-6 shitrag to the Rams where Johnny Hekker was the best player on both teams by a wide margin, a 41-3 loss where down 41-0 and on just the second drive in Patriots territory all day, you kick a field goal on 4th goal from the 11. You are the only team to do that in this situation deficit-wise since stats for this can be tracked and Marty Lyons, the Jets radio color guy who usually pretty reserved, is beside himself. Thanks for fucking up Christmas Eve, even the Browns won on that day (remember this). You do win the final game because the Bills forgot how to play football.

Year 3: Start 3-2, play the Patriots for the AFC East lead(!), get a touchdown taken away for… reasons, fall into oblivion. At 4-5 you can beat Fitzpatrick to get to .500! You do not beat Fitzpatrick to get to .500. Somehow beat the Chiefs to stay in the hunt at 5-7, then proceed to get 100 yards of offense and 6 first downs in Denver. Lose final three but I was too drunk at my brother’s in Pittsburgh to give a fuck for the final one. Felt good to see Cleveland go 0-16 live, and then go 0-16 at slots in the casino across the street.

I’m talking games, not women you dirty bastards.

Year 4: Win that game in Detroit! Holy shit, that’s awesome. Lose three straight, including Baby Huey’s first win since the date of that Patriots drubbing in Year 2! Then you win two straight, where you run for 323 yards in one game! Then you lose 4 straight as your franchise QB cannot complete 50% of his passes in two of those games, culminating in his benching! The most recent loss is to a team whose Football Outsiders’ offensive DVOA is the worst since 1986 (the stats only go back to 1986). They hang 41 on you with a dude who was playing Fortnite with his nephew in Cali 9 days earlier and the game is never close.

Fuck you all, enjoy your Fridays.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Disfrutas tu viernes!

Horatio Cornblower

Agreed on Betts. I hate pretty much everything about the Red Sox, but Betts is just greatness you have to recognize, and he doesn’t seem like a dick.

Wakezilla

Agreed. Mookie seems like the kind of guy that would let you talk to him and have a drink with him as long as he doesn’t have a lovely lady companion with him

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

I STILL CALL HIM DOOKIE DOE

… i hate my life

nomonkeyfun

So yeah, after a promising start, it has not been good. Which is the Jets to my memory, a decent enough to give you hope September and October team that crashes and burns and becomes the eternal Jets Jetsing in November and December.

This is why the sanest JEST fans root for the,ugh, Yankees, and the sanest LOLMETS fans (waves) root for the NY Football Giants. Last two years and Dave Brown era excluded, oh and the Joe Pisarcik days…

Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!
Buddy Cole's Christmas Story!

Eh, it’s Joe Danelo ‘ere, just missin’ some field goals in 1981!

Don T

Oh! So it’s a phantom force that’s been giving me ass slaps. I thought it was alimony pangs. 🎉

King Hippo

Senor easily has the best attitude of any Jest fan in the universe. Nay, galaxy.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Death. Taxes. Jets.

“END THE DEATH TAX!” – some guy in Iowa who will end his life with negative net assets.

Horatio Cornblower

Sooner rather than later, if me and this voodoo doll have any say in the matter.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t know who’s worse, the Jets or the Giants, but I also don’t know which one to give less of a shit about

ballsofsteelandfury

I feel really bad for you non-Pats AFC East fans. The moment is coming and no one seems ready to take advantage of it…

Wakezilla

I’m telling you man, the Dolphins are starting to accidentally get close. Xavier Howard is a rich man’s Sam Madison

nomonkeyfun

The problem is Tannehill is a homeless man’s Elvis Grbac.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, Tannehill lives next to a homeless guy?

Wakezilla

Now that’s a schedule where you can easily lose out to and get a top 5 pick. You got that going for you.

“13-6 Week 9 in Miami where they held the Dolphins to like 150 yards and lost”

Hey, 150 yards of offense is like 700 total offensive yards for the Dolphins.

/Cries into his Irish coffee