Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 14, 2018 Season

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Having my brief sanity break last Sunday and Monday, I found an opportunity (in response to a GREAT Christopher Liss column – if not a paid subscriber to Rotowire, you really should consider signing up before your next draft/auction) to examine, then articulate my answer to the age-old query: Why Do We All Love Pro Football So Much?

We constantly underestimate the complexity for/of the NFL. It’s a deliriously intricate (and violent) clash of mathematics, swirling around our eyeballs (especially on RedZone) at breakneck speed. Our subconsciousness grasps the beauty, even when the hidden intricacies pass our frontal lobes by. Which is why we love it more than can be rationally explained. Solve the equations? Hell, I can’t even formulate a hypothesis 90% of the time. Why is it that the freaking LIONS of all sides were able to disrupt Jared Goff so completely? I just have to accept that it simply was so.

The more I think about, the more zen I feel with this statement.  Thus, the NFL really is irreplaceable/essential to my brain’s sense of harmony and well-being.  Excising it would be akin to removing great art or the finest symphony music, for aficionados of that varietal.

So, I’m here with y’all forevs, NFL.  Warts and all.  And the Sunday Night clash of RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and the Prophecied Beartistocrats! is one of those moments I truly live for.  It was…a little underwhelming, as Buster was troubled by the element, and Bollo still can has shoulder owie.  But if anyone doubted Chi****’s title contention bona fides before, they are silenced now.  That defense is nasty, and old man Leonard Cohen is a tremendous weapon.  15-6, and it was unquestionably an ass whoopin.  Lucky for Buster the coldest post-season venue (for him) is likely to be…Los Angeles.

Team MRSA’s Jizzmoppers had the Saints by the scrotum for two and a half quarters, then reality re-emerged.  25-nil run to end the game, and N’Awlins is back in the 1 seed on tiebreakers.

Oh, but there was glory.  GLORIOUS glory.  Grumblelord got all cutesy-pie, putting Gronk back as deep safety for a presumed Hail Mary (from the Miami 30 with 7 ticks left).  But nae, it was a beautiful lateral play, that the LOLfins insisted was tweaked in reaction to said “safety” personnel.  The TE with the lousy back unsurprisingly ain’t the best open field tackler in the world, and Kenyan Drake darted down the sideline for a 34-33 win.  This after Adam Gase seemingly doomed his team by punting on 4th and 4, after which Dreamboat bled all but those last 7 seconds off the clock.  But dumb beats dumber, in this instance.

At one point (with the P*ts in the driver’s seat), it looked like the Chefs would lose the #1 seed entirely – thanks to the goddamned Ratbirds’ veer offense.  But while Miami was hooking and lateraling their way into our hearts, Mahomes-y was making one of the best throws you will ever see, a downfield, cross-body dime to a well-covered Tyreek Hill on 4th and 8.  Andy Reid then made the perfect 4th and 3 call for the tying TD, seeming to destroy the “Andy chokes” narrative.  Until KC recovered a fumble late, and Andy foolishly settled for a 44-yard FG (instead of taking at least one shot down the field – he could have still bled the clock out with an incompletion mixed in).  Predictably, the kick missed – but the Chefs won in OT anyway, thanks to a super long FG drive that changed momentum, and put LAMAR! behind schedule.  27-24, and a comfortable 2 game lead for the 1 seed.  But only 1 game in the West, so they still need to beat Clippers du Merde next week.

Said Clippers du Merde?  Much tougher time than expected with Cincy at “home” – but the Pylons Striped themselves to a 5-point loss, eventually.  Closer than the score indicated, as Cincy was a 2-pointer from tying the game under 2:00.  PRAY FOAR Redshirt.

And 2 full games over both challengers, as the 500s lost at home to the Humps.  HODOR! brushed off the shutout in Duuuuuvaalllllll to put up his usual three TDs.  The 3rd would be enough to win, 24-21.  No, you don’t have to take Yoooooouuuston seriously, their OL is too shitty.

That 4th v. 6th seed question is still open, with The Ben making a rib and/or head owie in a 3-point loss to Jon Gruden’s Raiders.  So much joyful Schadenfreude.  At 7-5-1 with a difficult schedule ahead, perhaps the Yinzers can still miss out entirely, with Miami getting the 2nd wildcard.  Fucking hilarious.  PIT, like MIA, also pulled off a hook and lateral to get into tying FG range, but it was blocked (an earlier kick flat-out missed).  DERP was prevalent.

But hold the Iggles’ and Non-gendered Cowpersons’ (and especially the officiating crew) collective beer on that DERP front.  Back and forth with TDs late after a 6-nil first half (notable only for the Bill Maher 62-yard FG at the gun)…it was a woefully shitty game, with no flow thanks to the overeager and bizarrely awful reffing.  I mean, you would think maybe someone was on the take, but it happened to both sides.  DAK! was terrible with execution and turnovers (the winning TD in OT was a wacky tip drill off a putrid, underthrown ball), Dakota Jeebus still had mechanics so bad Tebow would blush.  Anyway, I suppose I am mildly glad that the Cowpersons are gonna win the division, because they are as close to competent as the Special Needs Division gets, could beat the Saints again, and are at least not the 2018 Tire Fire Iggles, who I can’t stand to watch play any further.  But we get them in LA next Sunday night, ugh.

Denver, having lost its best back 7 defender last week, and its best offensive player for the season IN FUCKING PRACTICE…came out with nothing and spotted the Fightin’ Tomsulas a 3-score lead.  That was one too many, in a 20-14 loss.  At least they finally started fucking covering Santa Clara’s only good, non-ded offensive player in the 2nd half.  Kittle still put up 210 yards in just the first half – but he needed 5 more yards to break the NFL single-game TE yardage record…and he never got them.  SO THERE.  Tis the small victories.  We get a Donks WOO!! showcase next Saturday night, which only I am excite about.

Denver will square off against #ThePauls, fresh off a 26-20 win over the reeling Black Panthers.  Having missed an extra point on the re-kick (due to an offsides penalty they apparently couldn’t decline), it looked like that would lose the match – until a brilliant goal line stand turned the narrative on its head.  Believeland is not completely out of the playoff picture, either.  At worst, tis a season of real progress.  Funny how sacking Hue Jackson aided in that process, eh?  Also playing Nick Chubb over glue pot Carlos Hyde.  Oh HEY!  It’s Chubb v. Chubb next Saturday nite!!

In other strange happenings, the Jest did a good, with a late TD to beat the Bills, 27-23.  Like everyone else in the world, I assumed Steve Hauschka’s FG with 2 and change had settled things.  Hey Darnold! had other ideas, though.  Brokeback QB continues to run really well, and throw really bad.

Birdcano scored a mere 3 points at home, which is less than the Cuck Liouns’ DEFENSE managed.  17-3, as forgettable as it sounds.

The narrative was that Bay of Green and A.A. Ron would bust out, in honour of losing the boat anchor that was Captain BlueBunny.  Packers win 34-20, and it was a blowout most of the day – but the passing numbers were still quite meh.  Hilariously, Joe Philbin used up BOTH challenges (0-2) on the first DRIVE of the game.

Last and certainly least – those wacky Redacteds.  At home, they spotted Los Gigantes – without OBJ – a 40-zip lead.  Warm body off the street Josh Johnson replaced even-worse-than-usual Sanchize, and converted two scores (with 2-pointers!) for the final margin.  FOAR SHAME!!

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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RedshirtBrick MeathookRikki-Tikki-DeadlyJust LurkingDon T Recent comment authors
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Redshirt

Can’t we go one lousy season without praying for Redshirt?!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m shocked he was still there. Is Gruden absorbing his salary or just his responsibilities and soul?

Just Lurking
Just Lurking

Shrek’s out???
The Steve Keim rumors are truly DFO gold waiting to happen.

Don T

Jon Gruden:
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, you’ll see. YOU’LL ALL SEE!

[starts laughing maniacally]

[is dragged off by men in silver and black coats]

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

FINALLY! That guy was really dragging Gruden down.

nomonkeyfun

It’s Chubb v. Chubb next Saturday nite!!

“Now that sounds exciting!!!. Please don’t tell Florence I said that.”

-Robert Reed

Wakezilla

Aside from Belichick’s stupid playcall for the Miami Miracle, it should also be worth noting that the P*ts threw the ball 47 times on a run defense that is so bad, Brady could have easily run for 100 yards. Terrible game plan all around

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I watched zero football yesterday. I feel like a Blackhawks fan, barely paying attention until the playoffs. Liberating.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

40-0? I haven’t seen some Potatoes get roasted so quickly since they handed Andy Reid the keys to the deep fryer.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think your quote applies to the sport of football, not specifically the NFL. You can remove the NFL from you life and still love football.

Ian Scott McCormick

Is that the XFL’s new slogan? Needs a little more punch.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You have Ray Rice’s attention.

“Let me know when there’s more ‘kick'”.
-KHunt

Wakezilla

Agreed. Football is great. I know it’s an inferior skilled product, but I prefer the CFL to the NFL.

ballsofsteelandfury

AGREED! CFL is awesome!

blaxabbath

Cuck Lion?

I didn’t realize Hippo had thoughts on John Kelly.

Fronkenshteen

“Brah, Josh Johnson looked GOOD, brah. We get Guice back and Rueben Foster off suspension next year? BRAH!”

– all my idiot Redacted fan co-workers tonight

ballsofsteelandfury

The narrative is “Andy chokes IN THE PLAYOFFS”.

We still have time.

blaxabbath

“No choking for me anymore! I’ve been doing esophagus kagels so I can crush these rib bones!”

-A Reid

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, I feel surprisingly little concern about the Chiefs. I am convinced that any team they might face will be able to beat them when their traditional playoff DERP sets in.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes

blaxabbath

HOU is that squad.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

If they play the Chargers in the divisional round, it will be a testament to see who can derp the hardest.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I did not much care for yesterday’s “Mahomes Remedy” (see what I did there?)

Seriously, when he turned that throw loose, for a split second I thought for sure the game was over. Probably going to be a pick, at worst an incompletion falling safely to the turf…Ratbirds escape. Then I see Hill flying back into the middle seemingly out of nowhere. I started yelling “no no no no no no no….”

A few plays later, I was yelling some other very different words. That one hurt yesterday, no doubt.

But gotta give Mahomes credit (and Hill too, of course). If Mahomes isn’t the league MVP, I don’t know who is.

theeWeeBabySeamus

blaxabbath

“It’s FAHKIN’ TAWMEEEE!!”

– John Kelly’s Nephews, at their latest Klan meeting

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait until next week. If Philip Rivers beats him and the Chargers win out, I think it goes to Marmalard as a lifetime achievement award.

ballsofsteelandfury

That would be hilarious because they would be the best team that no one gives a shit about.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If they beat the Chiefs it will be amazing to see how many people in the media swarm to the Chargers bandwagon.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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blaxabbath

How come there isn’t a gif available of Frank saying No on Mac Day when he learns they’re going to “grease up these beefcakes”?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

No one ever asked before. I’ll make a captions version later.
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blaxabbath

THANK YOU! I’VE BEEN WANTING THIS TO BE IN THE LIBRARY FOR SO LONG!