Your **checks notes** “This Isn’t A Bowl Game?” Saturday Evening Open Thread

Let’s get right to it! Welcome, fellow Commentists, to the first NFL Saturday night of the season.

And how is the NFL rewarding you for your patronage and fandom?

The Cleveland Browns versus the Denver Broncos.

Actually, in the previous decade, this game would have been such absolute dogshit most other networks would have programmed against it to win the ratings. But this year there is the intrigue of the success (?) Cleveland has made of their year. At this point last year, we would have been rooting for the Browns to either win their first game or run the table to 16-straight. This year, they have disposed of their head coach and somehow not yet permanently damaged their rookie QB. The net result so far is a 5-7-1 record, placing them…

third in the AFC North, a half-game up on the Bengals – which should FINALLY bring an end to the Marv Lewis era – and within catching distance of the Ravens (7-6) and the Steelers (7-5-1). Do you realize that we live in a world where there’s an outside chance the Browns could win their division?

The Broncos are faring cromulently, given that Case Keenum is their QB, the AIDS quilt is their offensive line, and Von Miller is about ready to kill the next teammate that costs them a victory. A 6-7 record is kind of surprising given the number of injuries & weird coincidences that have occured with them this year. If they could ever get ownership stability, they might have a chance to compete against the Chiefs & Chargers, once Andy Reid runs out of ideas & Marmalard retires to sire more children for his cult.

So pour yourself some bourble, grab some snacks,

sit back and let’s get through this together.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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King Hippo

Hey, this is like The Drive, just with no stakes and shitty players!

King Hippo

THAT’S RIGHT, this inevitable loss won’t do fuckall about The Drive and The Fumble.

Spur

i know given the chance, i could make Angel Olsen laugh. Just return my letters Angel. Your attorney knows nothing,

King Hippo

well, that was coming

Spur

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Mr. Ayo

/Notes from Ron Jeremy’s casting reader

Doktor Zymm

That was a damn good throw. Maybe Mayfield follows an inverse square law.

JustStopDude

PLAYOFF BOUND BABY!!!

...

I say with 100% sincerity I’m rooting for this.

Horatio Cornblower

Seconded.

Spur

Cleveland right now comment image

Doktor Zymm
Horatio Cornblower

I bought some peppermint bark today, and while I don’t indulge, if any of you stoners out there, (glares at Yeah Right), have a case of the munchies I have to believe that it would be amazing!

Doktor Zymm

Why did you buy peppermint bark if you don’t indulge in it?

Horatio Cornblower

Listen you….

Doktor Zymm

Hey, unclear pronoun references apply to implied pronouns too!

Spur

i prefer to be called a herbalist

yeah right

Does it fit in an envelope?

Horatio Cornblower

Hang tight, I’ll try to jam some through the keyboard.

Doktor Zymm

Oh, and Congrats Vietnam on your pretty fucking awesome AFF championship national team win!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Doesn’t Von Miller know that being effective is totally passe?

blaxabbath

the AIDS quilt is their offensive line,

Very funny.

Senor Weaselo

“That’s fine, right?” -President George H.W. Bush

Spur

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blaxabbath

Dude I’ve been about Browns 2020 since last year.

Spur

this game is dumb.

King Hippo

Fuck, that is a SEXY bull rush.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

You don’t defend with your tongue. Get out there!

King Hippo

Pretty sure Denver’s 4th CB tonight is not a CB.

Doktor Zymm

Yup, that there open-handed ‘punch’ to the helmet

JustStopDude
King Hippo

Nothing like a 30-yard penalty when protecting a 3-point lead without an offense

Doktor Zymm

This is the dumbest ‘chippy’ game ever

Spur
herodotus450

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Doktor Zymm

Yes! And he’s right!

herodotus450
King Hippo

his hands are all over Chubb!

King Hippo

back it DA FUCK UP!!

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Shit, super behind this year. Just realized I haven’t put any holiday stuff out and I leave town in 4 days. Oops.

Spur

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yeah right

Original artwork.
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Spur
Spur

more whisky and weed!

Mr. Ayo

One of us!

King Hippo

we also would have accepted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Gd87JmkAkE

Spur

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Spur

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...

The shelter I got my cat from has a kitten room and holy shit those little things never ever stop moving.

JustStopDude

You got to love the way Keenum gives up on the play…

King Hippo

and how happy Donks WOO!! enthusiasts are when he does

Mr. Ayo

If they didn’t have to review it, then why was there a 3 minute commercial break?

Hahaha, j/k. I know why.

JustStopDude

I fucking hate this game…
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King Hippo

Bitch Better Have Ronald’s Money!

Mr. Ayo

I heard about you and Grimace!

herodotus450

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Spur

snitches get stitches. now sign the deed

Doktor Zymm

I want to say the Browns are shit, but it’s too easy

King Hippo

so say #ThePauls are #ThePauls

Horatio Cornblower

“Oh, what;s the color of horseshit? Brown, Brown, Brown!”
-What we’d sing whenever UConn soccer played Brown.

Spur

what the hell was that?

Mr. Ayo

#ThePauls!

King Hippo

D-O-N-K-S!!! Emp-ty-HAND!

Spur
JustStopDude
Doktor Zymm

Wow….that was a really shitty pass. What up Mayberry?

King Hippo

BLEERGH bukakke all in the Donks hair. That ain’ right.

Doktor Zymm

Unsportsmanlike Conduct: The French, for farting in our general direction

JustStopDude

That penalty only gets called on the Browns…or whoever is facing the Patriots…

Spur

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Mr. Ayo

You could tie her up with her own hair.

/if she was into that of course

King Hippo

Her middle name is prolly “Daddy Issues”

...

You know I can’t get a good read on her. While she might just be your garden-variety crazy girl, I have this weird feeling she’s actually pretty smart and knows she can troll everyone acting the way she does.

King Hippo

As an old, I do nae understand the cultural zeitgeist to make an informed evaluation of your evaluation.

Spur

Here come the Browns comment image

Doktor Zymm

Squeee!

King Hippo

TRUE FACTS! Both turtle and kitty be name Paul

Doktor Zymm

Turtle > Roomba

...

Awww that’s like a shaggier version of my definitely-not-named-after-a-Browns-quarterback kitty