Let’s get right to it! Welcome, fellow Commentists, to the first NFL Saturday night of the season.
And how is the NFL rewarding you for your patronage and fandom?
The Cleveland Browns versus the Denver Broncos.
Actually, in the previous decade, this game would have been such absolute dogshit most other networks would have programmed against it to win the ratings. But this year there is the intrigue of the success (?) Cleveland has made of their year. At this point last year, we would have been rooting for the Browns to either win their first game or run the table to 16-straight. This year, they have disposed of their head coach and somehow not yet permanently damaged their rookie QB. The net result so far is a 5-7-1 record, placing them…
third in the AFC North, a half-game up on the Bengals – which should FINALLY bring an end to the Marv Lewis era – and within catching distance of the Ravens (7-6) and the Steelers (7-5-1). Do you realize that we live in a world where there’s an outside chance the Browns could win their division?
The Broncos are faring cromulently, given that Case Keenum is their QB, the AIDS quilt is their offensive line, and Von Miller is about ready to kill the next teammate that costs them a victory. A 6-7 record is kind of surprising given the number of injuries & weird coincidences that have occured with them this year. If they could ever get ownership stability, they might have a chance to compete against the Chiefs & Chargers, once Andy Reid runs out of ideas & Marmalard retires to sire more children for his cult.
So pour yourself some bourble, grab some snacks,
sit back and let’s get through this together.
And who can forget the only good zombie video game expansion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbURoGcFZUw
If someone ever made a decent Dead Alive video game adaptation, I would be awash in happiness
Why do they not use the Queen song ‘Under Pressure’ when they talk about a QB being under pressure?
Because they would have to pay Bowie’s estate too?
They must already pay a huge amount of license fees
That would make too much sense.
Did they play “Another One Bites the Dust” instead?
That would be good for sacks!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZkouut-9RQ
Damn mooching war widows…
Get that…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huzYji2OAD4
/raises fist!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8M5W_3T2Ye4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0poaNBtk1s
Oh yeah, I can get the funk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqWQzOzK3kw
This song works great for all acceptable male moods (angry, depressed, horny, remorseful):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywjMtZH5Cls
What about Tipsy and Surly?
https://youtu.be/9ZnA7WY5jK8
ah like, but tipsy is MOAR a state of mind than an emotion (especially since I’m a WASP) , and surly really is just 50% angry, 40% depressed, and 10% horny
So who’s the protocol-breaking dunderhead on the ESPN site who now denotes z- as winning the division? It’s been cut and fucking dry for how long, x- denotes playoffs, y- denotes division, z- denotes conference or first-round bye, depending on sport, z*- denotes home field throughout the playoffs. Not z- for division, you’ve thrown the whole thing out of whack now!
Dr. Z is TOTES rolling over in his grave!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE-bnWqLqxE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHwXoY0LiQk
RDR 2 was beautiful and fantastic and I loved watching John grow from being the failson of the group to the protagonist we saw 8 years ago, but it still feels like it exists mostly to remind us just how fucking good Red Dead Redemption was in the first place.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3tp2dlxsxs
Found these guys through Old 97’s.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0SRvCtYYc
Reminds me I haven’t listened to this one in a while.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLaBPq-Krlk
The air is getting slippery.
One hour in.
Not sure if Pritzker is serious, but I wouldn’t despise him if he followed through with legalizing pot here. There’s a place just up the road that sells it for medical purposes and I’d love to drop in for something to help me unwind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ihhJCPYHuk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phOW-CZJWT0
mid 90’s R&B halftime
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_qWlPCEnGM&t=133s
NO SHIT, I Googled this before refresh showed me what song you picked!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AOVf9p9ht4
Watching Baker tonight is like watching a LAGgy poker player on the bubble
take a knee now, you shit-for-brains? Or shall we has safety?
Mayfield needs glasses.
Terrible decision, terrible throw. #ThePauls
A single tear slides down Rex Grossman’s cheek as he watches the replays of Mayfield’s INT.
I didn’t know you could roundhouse punch a guy as a tackling move…
Ugh my phone is blasting away between my older brother and my older sister about when I am supposed to arrive with her for Xmas.
I really detest going home for the holidays. My entire family needs to spend about 5 months at the Betty Ford Clinic getting intense group therapy.
Instead we don’t talk or interact with each other until the holidays and its just a cauldron of intense, seething hatred.
Funny, I didn’t peg you for being Irish.
just say no, as a recluse, holiday avoidance is SOOOOOOO liberating.
I want to see my nieces. If it wasn’t for them, I really would just sign up for a project that would take me overseas for the holidays.
It’s such a relief when your older members of the family die.
Then got realize that shit, now I’m the older member of the family.
Shit.
I’d love to see another Cleveland draw here.
good thing you burned timeouts, you waste of carbon
Donks Boo Hoo?
McCarthy is coaching again?
Ha-Ha Clinton Cat
YEAH!!! SHOW THAT FUCKER WHO’S BOSS!!
So that’s how Drew got hurt.
This is a Trump level tweet…
He’s technically right. The planet wil be just fine without us.
This has always been my position. It’s not that I don’t care about the Earth, it’s that I’m not really that invested in the continued existence of humanity on Earth.
I’d be perfectly fine with the continued shit-canning of Earth if the colonization of space were a reasonable alternative (I meant really, the people you probably want to just fucking die already aren’t the type to leave the planet).
That would be ideal, but the Earth just lasting with hacky patched together fixes until I die is a probable outcome that I’m comfortable with
The software model of climate preservation?
I was thinking more of keeping an old car running
the Trumpists should all go colonize Venus to OWN TEH LIBS
….wow. i… wow. Is this a joke account? I hate twitter so I don’t know.
lol he was on Trump’s EPA transition team
Of course he was. The Finest People, LLC.
Once we figure out how the Venusians dealt with climate change we’ll be just fine.
They moved to Mars (where the Martians were selfishly hoarding all that land for themselves), then lather, rinse, repeat, and moved here…
How do you think WE ended up here?
We’re through the looking glass, people!
You just need to remember to wear light colors to help deal with those 800 degree days.
/but NEVAR after Labour Day ,, obvs
He’s undoubtedly quite satisfied with his technically correct answer that misses the point about as much as is humanly possible.
Jump pass!
If only this was the first time I’ve ever been disappointed by someone named Patrick
this game kinda blows. We need more MACACTION!
I never realized that Taylor Swift was Canadian….
She’s not your buddy, guy.
She’s not you guy, pal.
She’s not your pal, friend.
She’s not your friend, dude.
She’s not your dude, hoser.
She’s not your hoser, amigo.
The worst thing about this Hyundai commercial is that the blonde chick doesn’t steal the car
I’m fairly certain that was the longest Browns field goal this year by about 15 yards…
TOE BEANS!!!!!
Decongestants make me smell weird, but I would never know if they didn’t work
Doing some hard mode gift shopping this year as my sister’s coming up for the first time in 10 years. She’s ex-Army, Wiccan, vegan, libertarian, and a single mom. Gonna buy her an AR-15 with a ceremonial dagger bayonet attachment that melts if it causes something not human to bleed. We are an interestingly broken people.
I had to read that description twice to process it and I’m still not sure I have.
Correct.
This one is interesting:
Those Namibians are frisky.
One lesbian couple has the only computer.
Some of these throws from Baker are a bit high.
I think Ben Garrison is my favorite “outsider” artist…
I almost unironically enjoy him.
Anyone else want Baker to say fuck it and throw deep?
Again?
All night.
It’s all I want.
Looking at old photos and a) I really miss that jacket I left at Heathrow, b) it’s really weird to look at a photo from ages ago and notice that some dude is totally staring at your tits, c) In the era before Kindle, I used to play Nintendo DS during social occasions at bars
Bad URL timestamp… well that’s awkward.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBCrkFB8nvc