2018 Bowl Sponsorship Analysis (Pre-New Years Games)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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I’ve always said that, if you really want to know who you are, look at what products are advertised to you. Advertising is an over $200 billion per year industry and these dollars aren’t just thrown around fruitlessly. No sir, modern advertisements utilize pinpoint accuracy to hit a desired customer base. That’s right. When we all sit here and rip Bud Light Limerita commercials, I guarantee you someone is sipping on a refreshing BLL-ita as they type.

This is the beauty of advertising. No press is bad press and yet, somehow, this is the only boutique sports website that isn’t profitable enough to be picked up by Sports Illustrated. Do I blame DTZM? Well, maybe silently. But does it let us argue that we are pure of heart and untainted by things like pop up banners or autoplay videos of “Stephen A. thinks the Colts should have scored!” 

But it is this purity in the sense of, “he who is without sin shall cast the first stone” that allows [DFO] to provide unbiased analysis of the effectiveness of this season’s JV Bowl Game sponsorships. As such, please see below:



Wed, Dec 26: SERVPRO First Responder Bowl
Boston College Eagles vs Boise State Broncos

Look, I hate to be Mr Negative around here but this is the absolute worst bowl game I could imagine. Formerly the Heart of Dallas Bowl after they moved the Cotton Bowl to JerryWorld. Hey, now it’s the Cops and Firefighters Bowl! Who cares that it’s a shoddy replacement for a game with longstanding tradition? Who cares that the logo is atrocious? Who cares that it’s F1rst Responder? Well, I get the sponsorship connection: house catches fire; police and firemen take care of it; SERVPRO comes in and does water remediation. But how it relates to BC and BSU? Other than the fact that no one cares, I don’t see the point. But based on the logo and the decrepit stadium, I’m guessing SERVPRO paid for this sponsorship with whatever was leftover in petty cash at the end of Q3 2018. Still not good enough though.

Sponsorship Rating: 0 FEMA funds for Puerto Rico/5.


Wed, Dec 26: Quick Lane Bowl
Minnesota Golden Gophers vs Georgia Tech Bees

I did not know Quick Lane was owned by Ford so, right there, here’s some immediate ROI for the good people at Ford. Full disclosure: I’m an F-150 guy. That’s right. Remember those NERDS we used to cheat off of in high school? Yeah, well now I’m driving their airplane alloy steel designs because, when you aren’t the lead dog, the view never changes.

Sponsorship Rating: 3 Ford Flex Recalls/5.



Wed, Dec 26: Cheez-It Bowl
California Golden Bears vs Texas Christian University Horned Frogs

I don’t know what else to day. December 26 is a day of absolutely terrible bowl names. Goodness, do Skip and Stephen A. still go on the tv every year and scream at each other about whether or not it’s right for an unpaid player to sit out a bowl game in order to protect his value in the draft? It’s the fucking CHEEZ-IT BOWL, Shannon! At Chase Bank Field! The players are the only one’s not raking in the cash on this event.

Furthermore, this is Goldfish Country.

Sponsorship Rating: 1.5 Generic Cheese Crackers/5.



Thurs, Dec 27: Walk-On’s Independence Bowl

Temple University Owls vs Duke Blue Devils

Nothing says rosters full of walk ons like Temple v Duke. What’s that now? Duke’s quarterback is a potential first round draft prospect? Hmmmm, guess it turns out Walk-On’s is the name of a restaurant (Bistreaux & Bar because it’s Shreveport) that has locations absolutely nowhere near Pennsylvania or Either Carolina. So just looks like another Famous Idaho Potato or Lockheed Martin play-to-the-locals sponsorship.

Sponsorship Rating: 1.75 unsigned free agent deals/5



Thurs, Dec 27: New Era Pinstripe Bowl

Miami Hurricanes vs Wisconsin Badgers

It’s the baseball bowl. Makes total sense for the midwest Wisconsin fans. Does not do anything for the fanbase of a perpetually-resurging The U. Is this some kind of NYC-retirees-move-to-Florida angle? Because it looks to me as more of a Yankees #branding move whitewashed with the #1 name in hats. And who loves hats? Well, if my recent trip to Lids at the Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall was any indication, dumb kids that dress weird.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 Sweatpants as Work Attire/5



Thurs, Dec 27: Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl
Vanderbilt Cutlerinos vs Baylor Bears

So this is what Baylor gets for building a program on a foundation of covering up sexual assaults and 52 allegations of rape. Really goes to show you just how much my alma matter must suck for not being bowl-eligible this season. As far as the sponsorship goes, a major sporting goods chain sponsoring a bowl game seems like the most no-brainer out there. Especially in Texas after Dick’s announced they aren’t selling guns anymore.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 GUNS FOR SALE/5.



Fri, Dec 28: Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Purdue Boilermakers vs Auburn Not-Bo-Jacksons

Seriously? Why even bother keeping the Music City name? Gonna send Sarah Sanders to hippopotamus her way up to the presser explaining how the fine folks at Franklin American Mortgage kept the nostalgic name of the Music City Bowl after being strong-armed by a dude who works for basically every government except the US? I don’t have a Franklin American mortgage and neither should any of these fans. They’re in Dave Ramsey country, where the paid-off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice.

Sponsorship Rating: 1 2019 Interest Rate Hike/5.



Fri, Dec 28: Camping World Bowl
West Virginia Mountaineers vs Syracuse Oranges

I don’t know. I mean, mostly because I don’t know much about WVU or SU fan bases. But, even more so, it’s because I simply do not care about either of these fan bases.

Sponsorship Rating: 2.5 Rainchecks on rain coats/5.



Fri, Dec 28: Valero Alamo Bowl
Iowa State Cyclones vs Washington State Cougars

Do people in Iowa use gas? I thought they went over to corn fuel or whatever. I figure this is just one of those games for cold weather teams to invite their backers to get the hell out of the snow for a few days, watch some football, and check out San Antonio — the only city where getting your ass handed to you makes you a legend. Which will be good news for ISU next week.

Sponsorship Rating: 2 Last Stands/5.


Sat, Dec 29: Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
Florida Gators vs Michigan Wolverines

Two fan bases that adore their schools’ histories and pride themselves on greatness. Sounds like Chick-fil-A to me!

Sponsorship Rating: 5 Criss-cut Fries/5



Sat, Dec 29: Belk Bowl
South Carolina Game Cocks vs Virginia Virginians

What is Belk again? Like a Dillards but for the South? I guess USC grads need to pick out something to wear each morning that will go over as brilliantly as their worn ‘Cocks’ hats.

Sponsorship Rating: 4 Shoplifted Belt Buckle Flasks/5.



Sat, Dec 29: NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl
Arkansas State Red Wolves vs Nevada Guy Lady-Wolfpack

Couple comments. First, UNR is a pretty regular invitee to this game. I assume it’s because this is Tucson’s best effort to bring back all they’ve lost to Reno — specifically, their triple-A baseball team and the bid for the Tesla battery factory. Second, and on the Tesla note, Tucson has a very-deserved reputation as not being very busy-friendly. It’s mostly because they’re an oversized small town with significant poverty issues and serious income inequality in their region BUT, when all the municipalities were vying for this Tesla factory and making their little public displays to lure the company, Tucson went ahead and issued a signed building permit for Tesla to show that red tape wouldn’t get in the way of plant construction. It was pathetic, didn’t work, and I still enjoy going back and reading the news story comments by people who were sure that Tesla would pick a place that sucks.

Sponsorship Rating: 2 College Towns with Economies Better Than Tucson’s/5


 
Mon, Dec 31: Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Cincinnati Bearcats
vs Virginia Tech Technically-Virginians 

I am so fucking over military appreciation. But you know who isn’t? The white peoples of Ohio and Virginia. Still though, from a sponsorship standpoint….

Sponsorship Rating: 0 Wars Won by the US since Boomers Were of Age to Fight/5


Mon, Dec 31: Hyundai Sun Bowl
Stanford Cardinal vs Pitt Panthers

Hard to beat up on a classic game sponsor like Hyundai when they have less control over their options of fan bases. That said, outside the Silicon Valley types, both these schools might have practical alumni bases who may be in the market for a Genesis.

Sponsorship Rating: 4.5 points of stock market growth over the past 12 months/5



Mon, Dec 31: Redbox Bowl

Michigan State Spartans vs Oregon Ducks

Hey, both these fan bases, do you like the convenience of watching a movie but don’t have more than one dollar at time and, for some reason, own a DVD player? Well then, have I got the bowl game for you! As an aside, if you’re gonna be a NYE bowl game, it should be a requirement than you feign pageantry and at least make up a name other than the sponsor. I don’t care, be the Redbox presents the Bay Bowl. That’s fine. But I hope in 10 years when SNF is interviewing Justin Herbert, he makes a crack about being Redbox Bowl MVP and then one of his teammates is like, “What’s Redbox?”

Sponsorship Rating: 1 credit score point/5


Mon, Dec 31: AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Missouri MichaelTigerSams vs Oklahoma State Cowboys

Missouri. Oklahoma. Working on rusted-out pieces of shit. AutoZone.

Sponsorship Rating: 5 dollar gas/5


blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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[…] 2018 Bowl Sponsorship Analysis (Pre-New Years Games) – December 26, 2018 […]

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Other person’s commentary, but I enjoyed hearing the lament that the CHEEZ IT bowl is a symbolic battle for the soul of the country with an orange president, fought out between godless Californian hippies and conservative Christian Texans

King Hippo

wow, that’s an absurd replay decision

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently they couldn’t overturn it because the play had been blown dead.

The ol’ “whoops, what are ya gunna do” defense.

SonOfSpam

It’s Cal-Berkeley. They are one of many UC locations. Calling them “California” is insulting to the real star of the UC system (Irvine). In fact, from now on, UC Irvine is “California” and Berkeley is demoted to community college.

King Hippo

anteater pride!

Horatio Cornblower

UC Santa Cruz Fighting Banana Slugs or GTFO.
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scotchnaut

Love this, Blax! Good Stuff!

SonOfSpam

– Trump, welcoming the NBA Champs to the White House.

Horatio Cornblower

Apparently Tyler, the dying kid who loves Purdue football, will travel their bowl game on Irsay’s private plane. I’d say that this was a touching gesture deserving of respect and admiration, but I’m pretty sure Jim’s doing it to get at the kids medications.

scotchnaut

“You can’t spell “cynical’ without “Horatio Cornblower”.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I dunno them dying kids get some good shit

ballsofsteelandfury

Plus, they’re dying, so there’ll be plenty left over…

King Hippo

ppl forget that!

scotchnaut

This monkeystruggler is the most interesting kid on te interestingnet. Enjoy.

Wakezilla

Anyone watching the World Juniors of Ice Football? The Swiss and the Czechs had an entertaining second period. If the Czechs would stop punching themselves in the dick with stupid penalties, they should win this game.

scotchnaut

Have I ever mentioned that Sidney Moncrief was an incredible player?

scotchnaut

First freshman to lead the nation in field goal %, btw…

litre_cola

Cutlerinos made me chortle. Great work Blax.

SonOfSpam

Yes, was gonna award valuable interwebs points for that one.

King Hippo

Hippo would like JUST ONE GODDAMNED GOAL from Watford, Inter, and/or Imolese Calcio.

King Hippo

Huzzah, Inter on a power play now, at least.

King Hippo

GET IN WOO!!!!!

/makes up for BC fuckery

King Hippo

Being reminded today why I usually don’t watch much Italian Lesser Footy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Canceled? CANCELED?

tWBS was gonna make a cool G on that fucking game and you cancel it because of little bit of weather?

theeWeeBabySeamus

And Servpro First Responders Bowl is canceled due to weather?

Am I the only one who sees the irony in that?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The only way it could be better is if it were sponsored by the post office.

Redshirt

“The Columbia Raingear Bowl has been cancelled due to rain.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Now I gotta pick another game to put the money on I guess.

Harrumph, harrumph.

King Hippo

I like Duke over Temple tomorrow.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I will never trust Duke Football with $1,000.
Not even against Temple.

SonOfSpam

And I like Temple. Hard to believe two geniuses like us don’t agree.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Maybe that would be the best way to get non-believers in climate change to finally wise up, no football, NASCAR or golf due to the weather.

Redshirt

That reminds me of the old MTV skit where a guy when on a drunken bender and become President:

“We locked all of Congress, and all oil, gas and nuclear power executives in a room with no TV, Internet and only their families to talk to. Within 10 days, we have functional solar power, wind power, perpetual motion engine technology, and two promising prototypes to faster-than-light matter-antimatter power technology that was shown in Star Trek.”

Redshirt

If football games can end in a “No Contest”, why can’t they end in “TKO” or “Referee Stoppage” or “Corner Retirement”? It would save a lot of time.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Right?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Hey does Northrop Grumman make the military grade aluminum used in Ford F-150s that Denis Leary gushes about between cigarettes? What the fuck is so “military grade” about about that aluminum? Is it invisible to cops with radar? Does it cost more than gold? IS IT BULLETPROOF?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Aluminum Tubes!!!!!!

Redshirt

A quick web search revealed its marketing b.s. Like how “all natural” means “we added more sugar to make up for the loss of taste”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Chevron advertises that it’s been proven that no other gas can claim to get better gas mileage than theirs (or something). It’s like, yeah, because they are all the same.

Redshirt

“Sponsorship Rating: 0 Wars Won by the US since Boomers Were of Age to Fight/5”

Of course. Its hard to win a war if the media is there showing what you’re doing. Also, when the Military Industrial Complex makes us fight wars for no raisin, it burns out the troops and taxpayers when we are really needed. Plus, the President getting too involved in the military when all they should do is “There is the primary objective. Make this happen without me being called before The Hague to answer for what our troops did.”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Hey I won the Cold War, and that was against the Soviet Union not some fucking peasants. It was me personally who won it, ppl forget taht

Redshirt

History Channel reenactment:

(Brick drunkenly wobbles to the front of the Grand Kremlin Palace): “HEY! YOU GUYS KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF! DON’T MAKE ME GO IN THERE!”

Horatio Cornblower

Goddamn, Watford.

King Hippo

pfffft, I gave up after Chelski scored. ANNOYING!

King Hippo

Both these matches are offside festivals

theeWeeBabySeamus

How the fuck did Cal get into a bowl in the first place?

Don’t get me started.

Horatio Cornblower

UConn was busy?

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

King Hippo

Inter/Napoli is also on ESPN News, when one gets bored of the Moose Hornets

ballsofsteelandfury

Additional beef: Everyone assumes that the F1rst Responders are police and firemen but you know who REALLY are the first responders?

The 911 operators.

Where the fuck is THEIR APPRECIATION?!?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean they probably get a leg up on knowing where all the good estate sales are going to be.

Don T

“Is there blood on the carpet? Persian, by any chance?”

rockingdog
rockingdog

“When a problem come along, you must Cheese-IT!”

GOOOOOO CAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

Can someone tell me why Walk-On’s has an apostrophe? I mean, seriously, is it supposed to be possessive? Like the restaurant chain belongs to one guy that was a Walk-On in college at some sport?

King Hippo

Modern America’s butchering misuse of the apostrophe is a travesty just shy of the Holocaust.

King Hippo

they should have called this the How the Fuck You Have Lightning Delays in December? Bowl

Redshirt

I said the same exact thing.

King Hippo

now it’s CANCELLED because it looks like rain. Yeah, these games are TOTES meaningful.

ballsofsteelandfury

More importantly, are all bets refunded?

King Hippo

yeah, they just give one the moneys back. Pisses me off, b/c I had JV Iggles at +115 to win, and they was bitch-slapping Boise.

Redshirt

Rain?! Cancelled for rain?!

What is this?! Baseball?!

King Hippo

George Carlin needs to rise from the ded and update his football v. baseball bit, since this was one area he mocked baseball about.