Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
I’m traveling again this week. This time Dave is staying home and I’m traveling by plane. Again.
Lucky Dave. He gets to sit there in that comfy garage, all nice and warm, and not do any work. Again.
But I digress….
I have come to hate flying. Why? Well listen to Jim….
We’re not fucking animals, we live in a society!!!
For me personally, the actual flying is not generally the problem. I’m not afraid of flying. I’m not claustrophobic. The cramped confines and general discomfort don’t bother me, even on longer flights. My point is that once I’m on the plane and settled in, I’m good. Well usually, anyway. Occasionally, one gets seated next to someone who is/has one or more of those things I just mentioned above, and that can make it unpleasant to one degree or another.
For me though, it’s dealing with the airports that usually bugs me. That is what I’ve come to loathe. It’s as if everyone who is employed at an airport…ANY airport in any capacity…. is getting paid to be a huge dick.
I’ve flown commercially roughly a dozen times over the past couple of years. Double that if you count round trips. Double it again (almost) if you count layovers and connections. And only a handful of times have I had a decent experience in airports. And I don’t even mean “good” experience. You can just forget about that. But just “decent”, meaning that I was not either in danger of having a stroke due blood pressure spikes from being annoyed, or just so discouraged that I wanted to perform a murder/suicide. Allegedly.
Some of you are familiar with some of my airport experiences. Low Commander knows all too well how annoyed I became at Las Vegas McCarran a couple of years ago when we flew out of Vegas at the same time. That was the closest I’ve ever come to airport jail. Seriously. (ProTip: Even when a TSA agent is being a dick, don’t argue with them. You’re not gonna win anyway. Just let them throw your shit away and move on, then buy more shit when you get home because it’s not worth it.)
Then there was the night I spent in the St. Louis Lambert airport last summer when the first leg of my flight got delayed for several hours due to thunderstorms, so my connection to LA left before I arrived. Come to find out, the gate agent still could have gotten me on the last connection out that night to LA, but put me on one the following morning instead. I ended up (not) sleeping in the St. Louis airport that night instead AND missed a full night of legal California weed. I really wanted to punch that guy in the head a few times when I found out there was an earlier flight and he just didn’t bother, but again….two words, say it with me….. Airport Jail. It’s a strong deterrent.
When I left the house early this past Wednesday morning to head to the airport to fly down here to Florida, I was very responsible and arrived at the airport quite early. Nearly 3 hours before my flight. I parked (without running over any light poles this time, mind you), grabbed my luggage, and got on the shuttle to the terminal. I was doing great, this was going swimmingly.
Then holy shit!!!!!
I have never seen lines that long at any airport, much less at RDU (Redneck-Douchebag International). I ended up standing in a line for over an hour, which stretched around the counter twice and even out the door a little bit, just to check my bag. I then stood in a TSA line for almost as long, though I do have to give them credit for moving things along as quickly as possible on this day since they weren’t making us take our electronics out or take off our shoes. Woulda been a good day for a shoe-bomb I guess.
Then (and this is the kicker) I look at the Arrivals/Departures board and I see they’ve rescheduled the departure of my flight for….EARLIER!!!!! Why the hell do they ever do that? Especially on a morning this busy? And the board says my flight is already done boarding and is about to make tracks. Sooooooo, of course I start hustling my tired white ass toward my gate. And then I hear the announcement on the P.A. that it’s the last call for boarding and they’re closing the cabin door in one minute.
Now my tired white ass is running.
Yet somewhat amazingly, I make it. Just barely, or so I thought at the time.
The gate agent was lovely to me, though she did kinda snicker a little about me being out of breath while scanning my boarding pass. I then board and stow my carry ons, I sit down and buckle my seat belt, and I get ready to roll. Let’s do this.
Then over the next 25-ish minutes, at least a dozen more people board. And we just sit there. And sit there. And sit there. The flight actually ended up leaving a little late, in fact. Which is fine, I’m happy for those folks that they didn’t miss the flight and I really was not in any hurry. The sun isn’t even up for another 2 hours anyway.
But as I sat there, thinking about this, it really annoyed me that they would change the departure time on the board and say they’re leaving early. Then kinda act as if it was my fault I barely made it. Then not just fire up the plane and go. And then end up leaving late.
I will say this though… Once I got to this end, my arrival at the Sarasota-Bradenton Airport went quite well. They had my bag on the little conveyor thingy before I even got to it. I don’t remember that ever happening anywhere before. And my rental car was ready and gassed up. And though this isn’t anything to do with the airport of course, my hotel even let me check in 3.5 hours early. So sincere kudos to everyone here in Florida I’ve dealt with. I really do mean that. Maybe Florida doesn’t suck quite as much as I accused them of recently.
Then I got a little drunk. Again, that has nothing to do with the airport. Well, sort of maybe.
The moral of the story?
Don’t ever fly on the first business day after the holiday season if you can help it. Even if it is 5am on a Wednesday morning. Just don’t do it.
(apologies to Rikki-Tikki-Deadly for that one)
Sports Which Will Make You Fly Off The Handle 2Nite
No national broadcasts. At least not in ‘Murrica that I can find. Check your locals.
- Dallas @ Boston – 8:00pmEST – TV: ESPN
- OKC @ Portland – 10:30pmEST – TV: ESPN
- Ball State @ Toledo – 7:00pmEST – TV: CBSSN
- IUPUI @ Ill-Chi**** – 7:00pmEST – TV: ESPNU
- SMU @ Tulane – 7:00pmEST – TV: ESPN2
- (20)Buffalo @ E. Michigan – 9:00pmEST – TV: CBSSN
**And just a friendly reminder…
Go in moderation tonight and get your rest because there’s playoff football starting tomorrow.
The Lovelies Of The Friendly Skies
A flight really can be infinitely more enjoyable if your flight attendant(s) are friendly. I do mean that sincerely.
If they’re rather attractive and friendly, and maybe even a bit flirtatious, which has happened to me on occasion (though not this time, grumble grumble)… Well it can make a long flight go by much more quickly and enjoyably.
I’ll need to use caution when opening the overhead bins, as things in my pants may have shifted.
My flight home is midweek next week, and I figure it’ll suck. But there’s always a chance…that ummmm….
OK, everyone have a great weekend.
(that made me laugh)