Your “Let’s Do Some Playoffs” Saturday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Dearest Elizabeth,

I hope this letter finds you well. I hope that Dolly successfully calved by now. Please give all my love to Bathsheba, Caleb, Horace, Moses, Ruth, Levi, Ambrose, Solomon, Rowland, Little Anna, Hester, Esther, Fester and Mary.

Excuse me for saying so but my beard becomes dewy when recalling that Sunday after church when we walked alone and sat next to the lilac bush by the stream. I praise our dear Lord and Savior that you were in heat that day. I think of your nethers quite often and my pants become strained. These clothes that I wear on this journey are called ‘uniforms’ and aren’t nearly as comfortable as a good cotton undershirt and a dependable wool jacket.

I know that I’ve broken my promise to never engage in war but the sad truth is that we live in a world not of our making. The English now determine our fate. We’ve had success these last weeks and have marched through the cities of Seattle, Nashville, San Francisco and Cincinnatti. (I call it ‘Sinnsinatti’) Please forgive that tasteless joke.

I am consoled by the thought that we are bringing these assorted heathens the word of Jesus as we sack their home places. The captain of our unit says that I can throw the bomb ball the longest of anyone he’s ever seen. I try to remain humble before God.

Now we march on the city of Houston so that we can convert others to our cause. There will be no Compromise as there was in 1850. I’ve grown quite close to a man by the name of Thee Young Hilton. He is a fast runner and leads the way whenever we are under fire. I hope he is fully healed from our last battle. There is no one quite like him in our regiment at leading the way.

I must finish up quickly. (much as I did by the lilac bush) Please forgive my humor. We are on our way to certain victory!

As Always,

Andrew Jebediah Elias Luck

P.S.: Don’t make a cuckhold out of Luck. Please forgive my humor.