Your “Let’s Do Some Playoffs” Saturday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Dearest Elizabeth,

I hope this letter finds you well. I hope that Dolly successfully calved by now. Please give all my love to Bathsheba, Caleb, Horace, Moses, Ruth, Levi, Ambrose, Solomon, Rowland, Little Anna, Hester, Esther, Fester and Mary.

Excuse me for saying so but my beard becomes dewy when recalling that Sunday after church when we walked alone and sat next to the lilac bush by the stream. I praise our dear Lord and Savior that you were in heat that day. I think of your nethers quite often and my pants become strained. These clothes that I wear on this journey are called ‘uniforms’ and aren’t nearly as comfortable as a good cotton undershirt and a dependable wool jacket.

I know that I’ve broken my promise to never engage in war but the sad truth is that we live in a world not of our making. The English now determine our fate. We’ve had success these last weeks and have marched through the cities of Seattle, Nashville, San Francisco and Cincinnatti. (I call it ‘Sinnsinatti’) Please forgive that tasteless joke.

I am consoled by the thought that we are bringing these assorted heathens the word of Jesus as we sack their home places. The captain of our unit says that I can throw the bomb ball the longest of anyone he’s ever seen. I try to remain humble before God.

Now we march on the city of Houston so that we can convert others to our cause. There will be no Compromise as there was in 1850. I’ve grown quite close to a man by the name of Thee Young Hilton. He is a fast runner and leads the way whenever we are under fire. I hope he is fully healed from our last battle. There is no one quite like him in our regiment at leading the way.

I must finish up quickly. (much as I did by the lilac bush) Please forgive my humor. We are on our way to certain victory!

As Always,

Andrew Jebediah Elias Luck

P.S.: Don’t make a cuckhold out of Luck. Please forgive my humor.

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Gratliff

With this game over, enjoy some horrific non-violent wrestling spots
https://twitter.com/AdamRivalPro/status/1079638962140901377

Redshirt

Can I have next?

Doktor Zymm

Does the phrase ‘Down and Out’ come from football?

herodotus450

My sources tell me possibly it comes from bauxing boxing

ballsofsteelandfury

Fun fact: The Down n Out is a dive bar near Skid Row in DTLA.

Spur

Jim Irsay Cat is pleasedcomment image

King Hippo

Not to be Captain Obvious, but these defensive looks are confusing the shit out of Watson.

fleshwound_NPG

please end this game

Spur

this drive is taking too long

King Hippo

That’s like the 3rd pick six the Humps have dropped.

Col. Duke LaCross

They need to score before the four minute mark without burning a timeout.

Doktor Zymm

Damn, he’s like a less fragile RG3 on a team that’ll destroy him more slowly

Spur

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Petronel

Deshaun “Do I Have To Do Everything For You Assholes” Watson

herodotus450

Moar like MeShaun Watson amirite

Gratliff

Oh I’ll gladly feast on this schadenfreude starter course

Romonobyl

My mom recently passed away; I’ll always remember her advice after my son was born. She said that you will take every effort imaginable when raising your first child, but by the time you have another you’ll end up just doing what’s necessary to keep it alive.

I have an older sister.

A lot of questions were answered that day.

Redshirt

I’m the exception to the rule. They realized early on that my younger sibling wouldn’t last 5 seconds by herself, so once I reached the age of 12 and mastered basic reasoning skills, they put me on autopilot and focused on the younger one.

Doktor Zymm

Politicians, team owners, people who disagree with me on the internet…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9b_Uxfb8Qmk&start_radio=1&list=RD9b_Uxfb8Qmk

Doktor Zymm

I wonder if I’ll see Cocksparrer live again, they were back for like the third time the first time I saw them in 2003. They’ve gotta be in their 70s now.

Spur

Fat Humps are going to choke aren’t they?

King Hippo

I would be mildly surprised if the final is anything but 21-7 or 24-7

WCS

Nah. That will be KC against New England. Because this is Hell World.

King Hippo

That’s why this outcome was crucial, the Ratbirds or Clippers either should beat the P*ts next week.

Spur
King Hippo

False hope is the very bestest hope.

litre_cola

Fulham will stay up?

King Hippo

THIS hoser gets it!!

rockingdog

I cant find a good live feed of the game…. please help….

JustStopDude

I went to /r/NFLstreams on reddit. Clicked on the top ranked link.

litre_cola

I use reddit streams for everything, haven’t had a problem on my laptop yet.

WCS

Do yourself a favor and stay as far away as possible.

Doktor Zymm
fleshwound_NPG

This should be a 35-7 game but Luck hasn’t done much since halftime

Doktor Zymm

It’s a trick! The game is not more interesting now!

fleshwound_NPG

that was a “we gotta make this a game” call

ballsofsteelandfury

Herr Goodell felt a million TV sets turning off and made a phone call.

Redshirt

“After reviewing the play, the networks ratings are going down. Touchdown Seahawks!”

Brick Meathook

THAT WAS A FUMBLE

bk109

What the fuck is a catch / touchdown anymore?! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKing christ, that’s like the definition of ‘not maintaining control’ while goin’ down

ballsofsteelandfury

Not maintaining control while going down is what caused my last breakup.

King Hippo

pity call by the booth

Fronkenshteen

Has the broadcast team discovered Indy’s defense yet?

bk109

Holy fuck, the Texans managed to go even full-er retard! Bill’s shitcanned in the mornin’ ? 😀

ballsofsteelandfury

This would be perfect for this game if that’s ruled a touchback.

King Hippo

INDEED

Gratliff

Terrific

Spur

HAHA TOUCHBACK

WCS

OF COURSE

Col. Duke LaCross

Fumbrrrre!

Redshirt

What is fumble?

fleshwound_NPG

THAT’S A TOUCHBACK, BWHAHAHAHAHAHA

Mr. Ayo

Fumble!!!! Touchback!

King Hippo

again…the pylon stretch is the dumbest goddamned thing in organized sports

Redshirt

Reverse Touchback (ball on OPP 20). Down counts.

King Hippo

I want this to go to 4th down and Buttchinski kick a FG. SO MUCH

Fronkenshteen

“Buttchinski” makes me laugh like a goddamn 8 year old.

WCS

So… O’Brien’s going to try a drop-kick on this drive, right?

JustStopDude

From CNN

According to the cops, 47-year-old August Williams tried to drag his victim into a car around 9 PM, but she was able to break free, running into the nearby Bushiken Karate Charlotte Dojo, which had just finished up a children’s karate class.

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“There were still some kids in the dojo being picked up by parents and a couple of adult students cleaning up when a young lady came through our doors and stated that someone was trying to harm her,” the dojo’s instructor, Randall Ephraim

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No word yet on the extend of the suspect’s injuries.

Redshirt

Its gets better. He tried to fight the sensai.

herodotus450
Redshirt

I owe Ray Rice and Joe Mixon an apology. I always said I would never think about punching a woman in the face. Then I heard Ann Coulter speak for the first time ever, and I have to admit, the thought did cross my mind when she said that Dreamers resists prosecution but MS-13 accepts it when they are caught breaking the law.

It doesn’t in no way condone their action, but I can understand how the thought could cross their mind.

JustStopDude

You would think that the fact I became fluent in Spanish from serving six years in the military would blow her mind…but I don’t think she would care and just assumes that military are no better than day laborers anyway.

Fronkenshteen

Can’t be hittin’ The wimmen folke. But aye that Coulter… she’s a mouldy hunk o’ bread

Spur

Is Chili a stew?

Wakezilla

No

Fronkenshteen

Yes.

King Hippo

and don’t use that Instapot setting for chili, neither

herodotus450

I’d put it on the melange side of porridge, myself.

Brick Meathook

I believe these Texans are all hat and no cattle.

Spur

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Mr. Ayo

That’s some good foreshadowing by the street.

Brick Meathook

That’s being “committed to the bit.”

WCS

“I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass.”

Fronkenshteen

Hello! I’ve been making a cauldron of chicken noodle soup while listen-watching this game so far. I’ve only now gotten a break to visit the Necessary Room, and wanted to sum up my thoughts on the contest so far. Ahem:

HOLY SHIT SOMEONE SHUT JASON WITTEN THE FUCK UP!!!!!

King Hippo

I’m hoping in the offseason, Booger just eats him. Tessitore and Booger alone would be pretty decent.

WCS

You can buy a decent used car for less than one of those Pelaton things.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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bk109

Or a slightly less decent car AND fitness equipment… Or no car, no fitness equipment AND LOTSA BEER!

Mr. Ayo

That’s why they offer financing!

King Hippo

sheeeeit, think I bought my exercise bike off craigslist for $75

Romonobyl

Please tell us you at least replaced the seat.

ballsofsteelandfury

I like Booger. And not just because his name is Booger.

Even though it helps.

Brick Meathook

Booger

King Hippo

A 2nd Red Bull (Blue Edition) shall be required for wakefulness.

/yes, I’m aware that it’s likely 20% kerosene

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq2jJLswL8I

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

Is that dog getting shot in the asshole with a photon torpedo?

King Hippo

yes, The Interrupters’ vocalist is Dok Zymm

Col. Duke LaCross

Big fan.

WCS

STOP GIVING OTTO’S BRAIN PTSD FLASHBACKS

Redshirt

So at what point does Indianapolis think about pulling the starters or at least the ones nursing injuries?

Mr. Ayo

Did someone say nursing?

— Bollo De Verdad

Fronkenshteen

Yes. The center.

JustStopDude

The Texans defense making the bold proclamation that they don’t give a flying shit anymore…

Spur

Mack out there basket weaving.