Your “Let’s Do Some Playoffs” Saturday Afternoon NFL Football Open Thread

Dearest Elizabeth,

I hope this letter finds you well. I hope that Dolly successfully calved by now. Please give all my love to Bathsheba, Caleb, Horace, Moses, Ruth, Levi, Ambrose, Solomon, Rowland, Little Anna, Hester, Esther, Fester and Mary.

Excuse me for saying so but my beard becomes dewy when recalling that Sunday after church when we walked alone and sat next to the lilac bush by the stream. I praise our dear Lord and Savior that you were in heat that day. I think of your nethers quite often and my pants become strained. These clothes that I wear on this journey are called ‘uniforms’ and aren’t nearly as comfortable as a good cotton undershirt and a dependable wool jacket.

I know that I’ve broken my promise to never engage in war but the sad truth is that we live in a world not of our making. The English now determine our fate. We’ve had success these last weeks and have marched through the cities of Seattle, Nashville, San Francisco and Cincinnatti. (I call it ‘Sinnsinatti’) Please forgive that tasteless joke.

I am consoled by the thought that we are bringing these assorted heathens the word of Jesus as we sack their home places. The captain of our unit says that I can throw the bomb ball the longest of anyone he’s ever seen. I try to remain humble before God.

Now we march on the city of Houston so that we can convert others to our cause. There will be no Compromise as there was in 1850. I’ve grown quite close to a man by the name of Thee Young Hilton. He is a fast runner and leads the way whenever we are under fire. I hope he is fully healed from our last battle. There is no one quite like him in our regiment at leading the way.

I must finish up quickly. (much as I did by the lilac bush) Please forgive my humor. We are on our way to certain victory!

As Always,

Andrew Jebediah Elias Luck

P.S.: Don’t make a cuckhold out of Luck. Please forgive my humor.

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fleshwound_NPG

even ray lewis thought those cuts were dope

Redshirt

Why is Patrick Stewart in a Kid King Arthur movie? I thought we all agreed he’s a good actor?

Brick Meathook

A garbage bag full of money does a lot of convincing. And I mean a big green lawn & leaf bag, not a tall white kitchen bag.

ThePirateSloth

WHYYYYYYYY is it still the 3rd quarter?

ballsofsteelandfury

Because we touch ourselves.

Mr. Ayo

Despite our pleas, they did not switch to a running clock for the 2nd half.

Spur

How lucky was Indy dodging McDaniels? That was like a gift from the Old and New Gods.

WCS

Just replace Mitchell for this game, and this is a perfect summation of us right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8kUgHsKWJc&ab_channel=dasmervin

Spur

what was the o/u for this game?

Mr. Ayo

48.5

King Hippo

live betting, I would assume like 31.5

King Hippo

Witten may also want to reflect on how much time the 500s defense has spent on the pitch so far.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS HOUSTON TEAM, I CALL THEM TEXANS BECAUSE THEY’RE TERRIBLE AND OBNOXIOUS

Redshirt

Huh. I didn’t know the Texan Steer was an oviparous animal.

King Hippo

uh, it’s not the tempo that’s the problem, Witten!

Spur

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Mr. Ayo

Yeah, el tempo should be fine in a dome.

Spur

Getting my drink on. comment image

WCS

Hot toddy, anyone?

Romonobyl

This is why I’m glad I never had a daughter.

herodotus450

Pregnancy test result: XXX

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Romonobyl

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Don T

11/10 Marriage materisl

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m curious as to which hole she used …

Romonobyl

That bottle was full before she put it up there.

King Hippo

Now admittedly, the police procedural has been pretty meh since NYPD Blue. But this The Rookie looks a special varietal of diarrhea.

Mr. Ayo

Alright he’s a rookie but, now hear me out, he’s also old! Get it?

— Overheard in [DFO] studio exec office

Brick Meathook

“Yes, but what’s the hook?”
“Get this: he’s also a practicing snake handler.”
“SOLD! You’ve done it again!”

JustStopDude

So I learned something absolutely horrifying about my body today.

I get cold sores when I am sick…on my face. Kind of gross. Growing up as a kid, thanks to spending so much time in the hospital with spina bifida and having immuno-suppressing after some major surgeries, when I get sick…my face gets ugly. I’ve always struggled when I get sick and its common for me to go from like the flu to something else back to back. So I have been dealing with that this week. I look like someone took a branding iron the shape of a mustache to my face.

I woke up this morning and my eye was sore. I walked into my bathroom. My fucking eye is swollen shut with cold sores. Right away I went to the VA hospital. All they gave me was knock off valtrex.

So this sucks. I need to see the eye doctor as soon as I can to make sure my cornea is not getting damaged and the anti-viral drugs I got are working. Its gross as fuck looking.

And within a week, I am supposed to be giving training to a bunch of longshoremen at a port. I can’t wait for that as I look like a fucking extra from the Walking Dead.

On a positive…in no way shape or form am I affiliated with the Houston Texans…so I got that going for me.

herodotus450

“Oooh look at Mr. Pretty Boy Training Man over here with only one half of his face ravaged with cold sores.”
-Probable Longshoreman

JustStopDude

“And so that is how the converter maintains the DC bus both during motoring and generating action by the combined inverters. Questions…and please keep in mind I have already explained the legions and weeping sores on my face….okay then…now lets discuss proper troubleshooting techniques”

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah, of all people to be your audience, the longshoremen are your best option. They’ll probably call you Mr. Universe.

Spur

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herodotus450

Now that’s a big cock.

King Hippo

black ,, obvs

Brick Meathook

yes

Senor Weaselo

Maybe don’t have the Texans playoff hype commercial with them down 21-0. Just sayin’.

Romonobyl

Speaking of Andrew Luck, guess what an Amish woman’s secret fantasy is?

Two Mennonite!

King Hippo

Churn. That. Butter!

Brick Meathook

Yea verily!

ballsofsteelandfury

ESPN really put a lot of money in the graphics budget for this game, didn’t it?

bk109

Indeed, 5$ and their best intern (that wasn’t out on a coffee/blow run) !

Brick Meathook

I’m going down to the salon tomorrow and getting eyebrow extensions. I can’t decide which direction to go. Andy? Leonid? Elmo? Other?
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King Hippo

Always go with Brezhnev. That guy FUCKED!

bk109

Honest question: What the fuck does the Buttchin have on the McNairs that he’s still employed by that team….
And a stray observation: Dear marketing people, “military grade” doesn’t mean what you think it means 😀

ballsofsteelandfury

Thank you! That’s always bothered me.

King Hippo

We’ll charge you 3x as much to make it 0.01% better?

bk109

Who said anything about “better” ? It’s more like – 5x more expensive, flawed (or outright compromised) and quite often – a decade out of date at least in terms of electronics.
Edit: Although it’s not at all an apples to apples comparison, the CPUs in the F-35 and F-22 (aka state of the art) are a mid-90s design (though with room to grow) that are (for general applications) about equivalent to a high-end first gen Athlon or PIII, which are nowadays too slow for even yer grandma’s Cat videos on Facebook 😀

herodotus450

Well that joke is done for now.

fleshwound_NPG

okay, NOW the joke is finished

Senor Weaselo

I haven’t seen a joke die like that since Louis CK’s last set!

Spur

Bring back the GMC commercial but add Pitbull.

WCS

YOU MONSTER

Mr. Ayo

Worldwide tailgate!

Spur

that made me giggle.

herodotus450

“Yeah… the ultimate pitbull…”
-Michael V.

fleshwound_NPG

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Spur

Live look at the Houston sideline comment image

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I love this gif so much

ThePirateSloth

I’m pretty sure the 80mg of thc syrup I just drank will make the 2nd half of this game way more amazing than it will actually be.

Romonobyl

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King Hippo

at least there was no Imagine Dragons halftime set?

WCS

Yet.

King Hippo

a reminder of why being absolutely pickled is a Superb Owl viewing requirement

WCS

The only good thing the UFC has ever contributed to is sponsorship by Fight Milk.

ballsofsteelandfury

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Unsurprised

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Spur

I’ll start drinking at the start of the 3rd quarter. That will put me in peak drunk rage for the Dallas game

Wakezilla

THESE COLTS, I CALL THEM THE ’93 BUFFALO BILLS BECAUSE THEY’RE EMBARRASSING A HOUSTON FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE PLAYOFFS.

Romonobyl

Yeah, but not until the second half. There’s a game I’ll never forget.

Romonobyl

“You can all go to Hell, we are going to Tennesee.” – H. Oilers

Sharkbait

Halftime raw bar.

Spur

Dude, do NOT eat anything at the 500.

Sharkbait

Oh this is at home. No fucking way I’d eat anything there

King Hippo

Matron Saint really has incredibly good hair.

fleshwound_NPG

matron is absolutely solid for mid-50s

King Hippo

holy shit, I will be 90% gargoyle by my mid-50s…

ballsofsteelandfury

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Petronel

Damn solid for any age.

herodotus450

At least 30% of it is just the name Suzy, you can’t be an ugly Suzy.

ballsofsteelandfury

Suzy Cortez: “Yup, that checks out”
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ballsofsteelandfury

She really looks good. Elle Macpherson and Elizabeth Hurley approve.

herodotus450

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Romonobyl

She is aging like a fine wine, I am aging like a loaf of Wonder bread.

herodotus450

So, stale but mostly unaffected by the impending nuclear holocaust?

Romonobyl

Well, I have been compared to a cockroach, hence the inevitable divorce.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m surprised O’Brien didn’t call timeout there before the end of the half.

King Hippo

hopefully this shitshow makes my baseball rookie draft pick up steam

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Does JJ Watt have a Lando Calrissian sticker on his right shoulder pad?

Petronel

Would that be his Walter Payton Award patch?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shhhhhh

Senor Weaselo

I guess that’s progress for the 500s?

herodotus450

Someday the Chargers are going to change their logo to just a plain white block with a usb port on it.

Doktor Zymm

I like the battery with an exclamation point in it option, but only in years where they suck

herodotus450

They can change the number of pins in the logo every year to make people buy new jerseys.

Romonobyl

Baby horsies are going for the jugular.

WCS

Mike and the Bots should be forced to watch this game in lieu of the next shitty movie.

Senor Weaselo

This game or Manos? Tough call.

herodotus450

George Bush’s lizard corpse is rolling over in its grave at this Texan performance.

Sharkbait

These Texans, I call them Ernest Hemingway. Because they’re shooting themselves.

Petronel

“Reich made me feel that way too. ” – A.H., Berlin

Spur

Jokes on Houston,the FatHumps love Battered Balls.

King Hippo

Dontrelle Fucking Inman is totally wrecking Houston

/next Gulf hurricane needs be Dontrelle

King Hippo

tell a bunch of honky fuckers Dontrelle comin! and they’s evacuate right quick

herodotus450

How do you get the black population to evacuate, name it “Hurricane Stand Your Ground”?

Romonobyl

Makes sense, since the ‘cane that leveled Nawlins was named after a Russian ballet dancer.

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That’s my favorite PI call of the year lol

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If I had something better to do that wasn’t work, I would stop watching this game.

Senor Weaselo

I haven’t seen Texans get this beaten down since the Alamo. Except nobody’s going to remember this. Or care.

fleshwound_NPG

that was a good pass interference, that was a TD all the way

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think I’m on a lag

Gratliff

Guess I’ll keep it on to see if anyone punches a coach