Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
1.1K Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
...

Ṫ̵̰͓͖͔̫̗̀̔̽̃̕ô̵͚̻̣̱͔͎̽̂͛͜͝m̷̨̡̛̛̗̰̬̬̦͛ ̵̳̗̮̳͇̥̾̏ͅͅB̸̻̄̉̇̓̈́̀̋̇͗̉r̴̨͉͓̻̘̟̯̞͕̐͐̏̎̾̆͜ä̶̘̺̯̻̙̼̻́̋̓̍̈̐͘d̶̢͍̠̗̱̱̈̒̈̿͛͝y̶̟̣̲̣̿̌̐͂̔́̀̂͜͝͝ ̸̛̛͎̙̫͙̹̹͂̄̅͐̔͌͐͑ĩ̴̢̺̬́͑ͅs̸̛̪̏̾̋̈́̍̏ ̴̠̞͚̰̗̤͔̏t̷̤̤̩̼̟̔͗̽̋͋̆͆͜h̶̨̗̻̹͚̫̜͙͉̤͆͂͂̅̑̒͊̐ḛ̵̥͐̍́̏́͋̔͊̿͠ ̸̨̟̺̘̠̣͈̰̄͐̃͂̃̅G̵̨̤̙̺͛́̃Ơ̷͎̽͘Ą̶͙̦͖͚̬̭̎̋̀̑̔̃͠Ṫ̷͎̰̠̂̔̓͌̉́

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Although in an earlier era he probably would have never made it.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

NOW MY COMPUTER HAS AIDS THANKS

Brocky

The fact that jackson had that reaction tells you everything you need to know about the culture of the patriots

Petronel

We’re gonna wish we had those extra 14 points, aren’t we?

Spur

comment image

Gratliff

Ah, yes. Gotta set up that 4th quarter letdown.

Spur

Spurs are making a run too!

Recovery Whiskey

Huh look at that, a Pi

Mr. Ayo

Magnum?

...

b̴̢̨̺͇̈́̋̀̐̎͜ͅl̸̨̢͎͎̹̰̯͐͗ỏ̷̼̽̉̑͆̂͝o̸̢͓̪̲̣̗̔̀̿̒ḑ̵̛̙̠̬̣͇̞̠̱͐̀̂͑ ̸̛͇͍͈̰̗̏͐̾̉̇͠ẉ̸̧̙͓̲͊̓̒́̚o̷̘̠̣͐͌̇͛͘͘͝l̵͉̍̃͑͒̅f̵̞̖͙͍̟͐̆͐̍̔͘͘ ̶̬̲̮͚͕̭̹̪͋̄͠m̷̛͔̪̖͕̖̦̥̅̅͂̓͗o̷̘͙̭̹͊͗͂͆͜ơ̷̛̯̣̤͔͐̅͗̅̒̀n̷̢̛̫̘̠̹͓͘ͅ

...

Oh hell yes the special Twitter fonts work here!

tundrajim

I thought you were just really angry.

Mr. Ayo

That’s mandatory to be on Twitter

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How can Andy Reid’s angina fuck up this drive?

Spur

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Yes.

LemonJello

Won’t somebody think of his low blood sugar problems?

Spur

comment image

Brocky

So wait, after years of being told I’m wrong for thinking the NFL rigs games for the Patriots, I’m supposed to believe the league rigged the game for the rams?

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Kansas City, The City of Fountains? It is to laugh.”
—Rome, Italy

Doktor Zymm

Maybe they have a lot of municipal water fountains?

Viva La Tabula Raza

They call them “bubblers” in Rhode Island.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

AFC East winning quarterbacks this century: Chad Pennington, Tom Brady, Jay Fiedler

tundrajim

Michelob is severely overestimating the amount of people who work out all the time but also sit on their couches all Sunday to watch football.

Doktor Zymm

But what about people who sit on thei couch all sunday and watch football, but want people to THINK they go to the gym a lot?

...

The entire target demographic of Michelob is untrustworthy to me.

Spur

comment image

Spur

comment image

...

After hearing several stories of abuse, rape, and disgusting bigotry there’s one common element that sticks with me: the laughter. That dipshit’s smirk is so telling: they *enjoy* the pain of others and it’s what animates them.

Redshirt

Yeah. “I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there.”

I have had at least two moments in my life where every fiber of my being said “This isn’t right. Get out of here.” and I walked away from the situation. At no time did he back up or turn around.

But seriously, where were the Chaperones?! If I tried any of this shit on a High School trip, they’d throw my ass on a Greyhound bus and ship me home. No, that’s literally what they said “If you mess up enough, we’ll throw you on the next Greyhound bus heading to Ohio.”

...

Judging by the Twitter content of the teachers and administration of that school–and the fact shipping these kids to D.C. was a total astroturf effort–I’m not the slightest bit surprised the adults in the room let this all happen.

Gratliff

Chaperones were busy high-fiving if his shithead mom is any indication

Recovery Whiskey

The chaperones were in back smirking. Pause the video and look for adults in the back

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aren’t Catholics the ones who are always saying “well maybe she shouldn’t have been dressed that way…”

...

Catholics are hard to pin down. I’ve met a ton who are pretty liberal but the ones who go full reactionaries are sadistic Opei Dei psychopaths.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But seriously, does he say anything of substance other than “I felt threatened, so whatever I did is totally excusable”?

Redshirt

The Native Americans taunted them and an African American student. They asked an adult permission to sing “School Spirit Chants” in protest, so I guess Cov Cath changed their mascot from the Colonels to the Wall, or something. Also, I guess the chant “We’ve got spirit, yes we do! We’ve got spirit, how about you?!” is a bit old school.

And that the drum guy walked up to him, the crowd parted and let the drum guy go up to him (“of all the gin joints in all the National Malls”) and he was scared and didn’t know what to do.

...

lol

Recovery Whiskey

Trump’s taught them well. When accused, double down on the lie.

Col. Duke LaCross

“I looked at the comments, Ray!”

Redshirt

The website can only let me upvote this only once, but you deserve more.

Gratliff

The kid is young and can change, he’s got plenty of time for that. In the present, however, fuck him. He’s a privileged kid doing shitty things for shitty reasons, probably for the lolz. He’s gonna be super fine, no matter what he ends up believing. Also, beyond over the same people who excuse the Tamir Rice and Trayvon Martin murders begging for civility for the sake of children.

Col. Duke LaCross

Yeah, I think some real thought needs to be put into doxing people and ruining their futures. But let’s get real, none of these delta-bravos are gonna be splitting the atom or curing cancer anytime soon. Fuck ‘em all. Hopefully the outrage will be great enough to where neither they or their parents ever want to leave the house again.

Unsurprised

He’ll be fine. This shitheads always land on their feet.
comment image

...

Tamir Rice and Trayvon Martin were never treated as “young and can change” so I have little sympathy for that argument.

Gratliff

Imagine how stressful it must be to have to cross-reference your moral compass with a color chart.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Jesus Christ, that intro…

Senor Weaselo

Hot taek: OPI should be spot of the foul yards lost.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Hotter take: bring back the forceout rule

Redshirt

10 yard penalty OR loss of down, other teams choice

theeWeeBabySeamus

tWBS: SONOFABITCH!!!
tWBS’s Mom: Oh, that was a good interception.
tWBS: That was a punt, Mom.
tWBS’ Mom: Oh [goes back to snoring]

WCS

Hey, can anyone tell me who’s doing the Pepsi Super Bowl Halftime Show presented by Chevy Trucks, in conjunction with the US Air Force, sponsored by Budweiser, and hosted by Verizon?!

The Maestro

The Troops™, I think!

Spur

comment image

Gratliff

Oh, they’re piling now. Respect the pettiness.
comment image

Petronel

DAYUM

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

For once a nationwide Sony release that doesn’t suck.

Spur

comment image

Spur

comment image

Mother Puncher

Hate to be a 2/10 guy but she looks. . . . super British

...

The British are scum

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Verizon doing some serious damage control for their actions during the fires here in California.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Can you hear me now or is your house still on fire?”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

So how many yards has Mahomes taken on his sacks?

Viva La Tabula Raza

4 sacks for 46 yds so far

Mother Puncher

I hope Edelman tears five more ACLs

Spur

Mahomes took a karate chop to the throat

WCS

So, we’re back to this.

...
Unsurprised

The Dick Nixon twitter account is pretty good. And I have no doubt the real Nixon would’ve hated the fuck out of Brady.

Unsurprised

Then Monica became the comeback kid.

remember when Bill Clinton was The Comeback Kid? Yeah, I don't want to either.

— Brian Gallagher (@BrianGallaghe17) January 21, 2019

Doktor Zymm

How do you drop that? Dumbass

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That’s how I felt when “Monster” came out!

...

The WWI museum in KC is actually pretty good. Even if you don’t like what’s inside, it’s built into a hill with a great vista of downtown.

Gratliff

Tough #Saints locker room to cover postgame. 1 player couldn’t stop the tears from coming down & lingered at his locker back turned, RB Mark Ingram could barely speak as he politely but painfully answered questions w hoodie over his head. “Robbed” was a word used by several

— Jane Slater (@SlaterNFL) January 21, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
comment image

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Take a selfie with the Saints defense!

Senor Weaselo

Can they stop doing stupid shit? Like, stop that.

Doktor Zymm

I bet he has a great set of album clippings

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Tony Romo likes football almost as much as Jim Nantz likes wishing he was anywhere else.

Doktor Zymm

Maybe Tommy is weak because he’s decided to become a Breathatarian

WCS

That was….

Spur

Great job Hill, you fucking idiot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur

Those Pigs had a GREAT Fyre Festival experience.

Redshirt

http://turtledove.wikia.com/wiki/The_Disunited_States_of_America

Really?! Not being able to choose between a Bicameral or Unicameral type of legislature led to the breakup of the USA? I can think of several reasons that could’ve prevented the Constitutional Convention of 1787 from succeeding, and choosing between one house or two isn’t near the top of the list.

...

Not all of Turtledove’s premises are uh plausible.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Unsurprised

Good Bot

Spur

comment image

Brocky
Unsurprised

Converted to a gif
comment image

Unsurprised

“Technically, your honor, she touched an ornament. She did not touch the tree. There is no precedent for the transitive property of trees to extent to artificial ornamentation. In fact, in light of Cats v. Trees (2018) courts have roundly rejected prior restraint when it comes to malicious ball-handling.”

That’ll be $5,000.

Spur

comment image

WCS

Now do that 65 more times.

...

Belichick hasn’t shit in 12 years. I’m certain of it.

Mr. Ayo

GrumbleGrumbleYourMomHasn’tForTheLastMonthEitherGrumbleGrumble

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

He shat all over his sweatpants after the Tyree catch, I believe

Brocky

That explains why he left the field with time left on the gameclock

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Again, he’s good

Sharkbait

Well shit

1 3 4 5 6 7 14