Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

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Spur

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Gratliff

The first legitimate roughing call this year

Senor Weaselo

JC Jackson is gonna get Scotchied by Belichick so hard after this game.

Spur

Mahomes is hurting

...

Oh my God that’s like 60 yards worth of penalties on a single play lol

O/U on the number of flags called the Super Bowl.

The Maestro

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

Sharkbait

FUCK YOU JACKSON

Gratliff

HAIL BLEERGH

Ian Scott McCormick

C’mon football Steph Curry. Don’t choke

Brocky

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Mother Puncher

Did no other team try blitzing Mahomes this season?

Col. Duke LaCross

Baltimore

...

You know we joke about touching Brady being a 15 yard penalty but we actually witnessed a case where BRUSHING HIS FACEMASK was a penalty so hyperbole is officially dead.

WCS

That’s interesting.

The Maestro

FUCKING JC JACKSON BENCH THAT ASSHOLE

Viva La Tabula Raza

He’ll be elsewhere next season.

Senor Weaselo

Like being murdered by Scotchy?

Brocky

gonna kill new England

Oh that’s just heartbreaking

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Well there’s the stupid shit!

Senor Weaselo

Wait never mind hail Bleergh!

Gratliff

That’s a fumble

Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She’s all butthurt.

No her butt is bruised.

Spur

Romo called the play. Can he take the Dallas coaching job?

...

This is manageable for the Chiefs meaning they’re going to lose.

Senor Weaselo

On something stupid.

Unsurprised

The KC Special

Gatoraids

Nantz so bored having to talk up Mahomes

LemonJello

He’s still recovering from blowing his load over Brady.

herodotus450

What if the Pats win the super bowl this year but Brady, Gronnk, and Grumblelord all retire after?

Brocky

No

Col. Duke LaCross

That almost looked like they oléd it there.

Sharkbait

Fucking Right!! Come on Defense!!!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The Chiefs are doing a great job reminding me how much I fucking HATE “The Chop.”

Senor Weaselo

All things considered, I’m okay with that.

Ian Scott McCormick

Alright Andy Reid. Time for the 4 minute offense.

herodotus450

Dear KC: you can still hit other players on the field apart from Brady and (probably) not get a penalty.

Senor Weaselo

You can, but it will also be a penalty.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Cool.

...

THE BLOOD MOON REIGNS

Gratliff

el oh el

Recovery Whiskey

Plenty of time left

The Maestro

YAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Mr. Ayo

Of course.

Petronel

YEAH BABY

Ian Scott McCormick

Jim Nantz out here asking if it’s possible for the Patriots to score a TD in the red zone?

Mother Puncher

Close = first down

Spur

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...

The blood moon eclipse begins in ten minutes which means the Patriots will win by then.

LemonJello

Brady and Belichick have important incantations and spells to perform after all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know what this game needs? More replay stoppages.

Brocky

Theres a reason I didn’t make much of the call in the rams saints game.

Its shit like this

Mr. Ayo

Another OT period?

Gatoraids

This game going to turn KC fans into Ravens fans which is tragic

Mother Puncher

It seems like these refs want the Patriots to win for some reason

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Godfuckingdamnit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

This is the most New England 4th quarter bullshit I’ve ever seen

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