Good Morning and thank you all for being our here today on such a chilly Boston morning.

I am speaking before you this morning to share valuable insight regarding last week’s allegations that my boyfriend of seven years but not father of my 10 month old child, Mr Robert Kraft, will be charged in a mix up as a part of the Jupiter, Florida adult services investigation. Robert has categorically denied any illegal activity and, because this is a legal matter, will not be making any further statements on the matter. However, as a successful actress, dancer, model, and entrepreneur, I am not bound to silence.

As you are all aware, Mr Kraft is a billionaire who supports many nonprofits in Massachusetts, Miami, and throughout the United States. I can tell you, as his confidant of many years, that his NFL success, business success, and philanthropic success has in no way filled the void left in his life since the passing of his wife in 2011. I have tried to support Robert but, as a successful actress who is now designing my own line of summer fashion, I regret that I have been limited in my abilities to make him whole.

Like most scrumptious packages of arm candy that define all the successful women of my sorority class, I can only provide fulfillment with regard to the needs of high class, independent, blonde, well nourished, intelligent woman. Staying in Robert’s Los Angeles mansion while I pursue my very demanding and very successful acting career, one can see where the simple consideration to solicit a $59 handy from a Chinese slave girl may enter the successful male psyche.

I can tell you that Mr Kraft, like most successful septuagenarians, is a complex man. Coming from humble beginning in times before the internet or Super Bowl dynasties, young Bobby grew up in a period where racial segregation was, unfortunately, more common than we see today. And in his development, it may have been possible that, through his environment, Robert learned the associated thrills of power and pleasure.

After completing his education and moving through his business life, Mr Kraft has always been committed to trying new experiences and learning of other cultures through firsthand experiences. Why, I remember the night we watched Django and Mr Kraft was so interested in cultural differences we saw that he ordered his staff to make cornbread the following evening! We ended up dining out at Charcuterie, LA’s hottest new appetizer bar, but I think he learned a lot from the experience.

But regarding the most recent Jupiter, Florida allegations, I can only say that Mr Kraft is a fine man who would never knowingly break the law, and more importantly, never promote slave ownership. I am sure that, once he is vindicated, he will be pressing the NFL to use December as human sex trafficking awareness month and —

— Door Flies Open —

Lemme stawp ya right there, Ricki! Mistah Rah-baht Kraft is guilty of naw-thing! Tha only slaves he deals with ow-ah the othah AFC East teams that TAWMMY BRADY has owned for ovah a decade! You think some DEEP STATE REPORT that Rah-Baht gets pleasah out of some chinaman lady is true?! NAWWWWWWW! It’s all a distraction from his SUPA BOWL success! If he needs to rent another pair of hands, it’s to find space to show off his SIX NFL Championship Rings! That’s right, Rodgah! Do yah fahkin’ job! 28 to fahkin’ three! Makin’ Jared Goff look like Jared Goof!

It’s fahkin’ double-jeopardy cuz every woman in America wants tah give him a tugg-ah. Every woman! That includes all the Latinas and the lezzies! So Rab-Baht couldn’t have done nuthin’ wrong! It’d be like the cops bustin’ Mikey for public drunkenness when he’s sittin’ inside his own strip club!

Ain’t no fahkin’ way Kraft is guilty! Just some Dolphins cops trying to make BLACK BRIAN FLORA look good! He’s a PAHT OF THA BILL BELAHCHECK TREE! Naw! Build tha fahkin’ wall if you don’t want Chinamen slaves but ain’t NO WAY Kraft did nuttin’ wrong! Read all about it on ow-ah webpage ORCHIDSOFASIADAYSPAREPORTCONTEXT6.COM. You’ll read all abaht how Rah-Baht is Bah-stahn’s NFL save-yah! Now, he’s gonna plea on this just tah get it out of tha news but you’ll nev-ah see the video because, just like with the JEW YORK JETS, he did NAHTHIN’ WRONG! FAHK YOU! YA HATE US CUZ YA AIN’T US!