The powers that be (me, apparently) have asked that someone, anyone, throw some crap against the content wall so that folks that hate Kentucky (me, again) can have a place to vent their anger. Here. We. Go.
#5 Auburn/#2 Kentucky:
The Tigers got this far because no one bothered to tell them that they’re a football school. So that means that they be swimming in unknown waters. Will their “Run, Gun, Fun In The Sun, Son” offense be enough to overcome the Wildcats’ “I’m Just Here For A Cuppa Joe And A Big Fat Cheque From An Otherwise Racist Car Dealership Owner” squadoo? Time will tell. I can’t help but think that Bruce Pearl will muck this up if it’s close towards the end. Why? He’s Bruce Pearl.
#2 Michigan State/#1 Duke:
The mayor of Lansing, Michigan, Mr. Tom Izzo is 1-11 vs. Duke. To make matters worse, local reporter assigned to the game, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, spotted an albatross this morning. I’ve read a few different articles about how to “Beat Duke!” recently. Suffice to say, running over Zion in the parking lot has only a 50% chance of being successful because he’s a very strong individual, you see.
Of course there are lesser sports on like-
Baseball-BORING!
Hockey-NOT AS BORING!
Pro Basketball-SLIGHTLY LESS BORING THAN BASEBALL!
NASCAR-(aside from the crashes) BORING!
Tennis-BOR… Actually, Federerdereder is kinda interesting to watch
NCAA Women’s Ball-Mississippi State allows *girls* to play basketball? Wow! That state really has it goin’ on these days!
Street Hockey-The Balsam Street Brawlers vs. the North Avenue Norsemen almost always results in at least one kid crying for his mom like the little bitch he is. Just pray that he doesn’t take his goalie net home with him-otherwise it’s Game Over.
Type your stupid hearts out gentlemen…
Michigan State is worse than Duke. I’m sorry, but it’s true.
At covering up sexual transgressions? Or paying players?
Yes.
OK Sparty, take it straight at Zion and get his third. You ain’t gonna win this with him in the game.
I know no one but me cares, but NC State Baseball gonna be number one this week. Hee hee.
“Zion is always attacking!”
-Egypt, 1956
I Suez what you did there.
Promise(d Land) you won’t do it again?
These Spartans, I call them the 300 Spartans because they are the only thing stopping us from watching an evil, despotic empire from expanding their tyranny even further.
Over-and-Back is no longer a thing, now?
Nah the rhythm method went out of style years ago.
I was gonna do a travel ban joke but your works too.
This came to mind yesterday, and it still cracks me up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v72OcxeovQw
Daily evidence that right wing trolls are incredibly horny for AOC:
Or maybe this is mocking right wing trolls? I can’t tell anymore. It’s all a blur now.
Or it is just Balls’ fan fiction.
This checks out.
Those same Alt-Right’s who kept/keeps calling for Hillary Clinton to be imprisoned have definitely pleasured themselves to BDSM fantasies with themselves as the submissive and Hillary as the dominant.
They LOVE aoc. Now that Latinas are more inappropriate than young boys, Mark Foley is a man without a party.
Pretzels dipped in hummus. You?
Pretzel get soggy when dipped in humans.
Charles Barkley needs to change his underpants. And while that’s almost always true, at least this time it’s for a good reason.
I hope their parents paid for all that Final Four merch. Bruce Pearl doesn’t need any outside help to commit NCAA violations
Hang on a second, they got those hats for free because of their status as student-athletes! Someone alert the NCAA!
Cut to NCAA Compliance HQ:
[Phone, covered in spider webs, ringing]
[NCAA too busy sucking television contract cock to answer]
Cut back:
Well they’re probably already busy on the case.
Sophomore benchwarmer, while starving: *takes a box of stale popcorn*
NCAA:
Okay, you have the Nuclear Launch codes but you only have time to take out Duke’s basketball team or New England Patriots HQ before they reset the codes. Where do you set the destination?
Clay Bennett
“Uh, the gold was really hot today, right?”*
*NAILED IT!
-herotodus450
Is there some way Duke and Michigan St both get knocked out here?
There’s always a chance for the meteor to quit fucking around and finally hit.
UK lost and I need something uplifting
Hey Brexit isn’t technically a complete loss, yet.
Wonderful.
Gotcha covered.
“Oh good. It’s just a near-miss; not a recordable. Get that shit cleaned up.” – Me, having actually worked as a safety rep in a production environment
That’s true. I was once told I need to act more professional because I screamed “STOP! SHIT! STOP!” when I was about to be crushed by a moving skid of stuff. I apologized and said next time I was let them crush me to death.
If you can try to be crushed in such a way that would require minimal cleanup, that would be ideal. The Spice Must Flow.
Does this mean that Duke will lose, too? Please?
Oh, that’s precious.
Nice job Auburn!
Did I miss it? Did Kentucky lose yet?
If Auburn could hit FTs they would have.
But not yet.
Kentucky done.
SEC! SEC! SEC!
Propoosed solution to late game fouling in basketball: team that gets fouled has the option of taking free throws, or knocking ten seconds off the clock and keeping the ball.
What happens with possession if I take the run off?
You keep the ball. Inbounds like normal.
Kentucky is starting to piss me off.
Just die already!!!!!
There may be a spike in the number of police calls to trailer parks across Kentucky tonight.
Why, did a meth shipment get disrupted or something?
Jeeze, no. I said a spike in calls, not full out riots.
I mean, if the albatross was in season, he had every right to shoot
Or if the bird had a gun, then he was justified.
/As long as it wasn’t a white Albo
Auburn shooting too early shot clock-wise. Auburn players will win this-not Pearl.
Van to the rescue…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciK2n2MebTU
John Brown’s Body? Huge fan of Harper’s Foray to the bucket.
He’s a big body, down low.
I got this after the third time reading it.
I’m not even sure they’re the same John Brown but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Q: Where is Ashley Judd when you need her?
A: Who Cares?
Has anyone made a joke about how this is sort of an “oysters vs. squid” matchup? Get it? No? Just me, then?
I don’t get it, but I’m kinda stupid when I’m not drinking.
Pearl vs. Calamari
Ahhh!!!!! Nicely played!!!!
But now I feel even more stupid.
So is the whole “corn syrup” in beer thing something that Bud Light invented just so they could say they don’t have any in their beer? Why not go with something more ominous, like “methylchloroisothiazolinine”?
I think A&W did the same thing up here when they yakked about hormone-free beef. That stuff ain’t allowed in the first place.
I actually prefer my root beer with as little beef of any variety as possible, thank you very much
That is a very specific fetish.
The whole ad campaign is OBVIOUSLY being bankrolled by Big Oil to slander the use of subsidized corn-based products in the US, so they can’t slight anything methyl-ated.
Pearl v. Calipari has to be some kind of record for slime.
“Hey, c’mon now! I’m right here!”
-Roy Williams
Not even Burt Reynolds in ‘Striptease’ was as greasy as those two.
Does Auburn have money wagered on Kentucky to win this?
Well, Bruce Pearl coaches Auburn, so I’d say the odds are in your favor on that bet.
Pearl would like some of that action as well.
Few things in life are more deserving of super slow motion.
“Golly Gee-the pace of this game is bananabread!”
-Eli Manning
This Just In-
Bruce Pearl put his jacket back on!
Alight, enough of this basketball shit. Let’s get Mania Week started with Glory Pro!
WrestleMania week is great because people who work in front of packed arenas in other countries will work a show in some dude’s garage for 5x his normal pay because wrestling fans have no idea what the value of money is.
GLORYPROWRESTLING < GLORYHOLEWRESTLING
LOL
Well yeah. That’s why Glory Hole gets the prime time slot.
Any wrestling event which does not include Alexa can suck a dick.
I’d like to GLORYHOLETHUMBWRESTLE her!
I am enjoying Kentucky’s looks of increasing desperation.
Please don’t blow this, Auburn.
I haven’t seen a Pearl act like such a spoiled brat since my buddy A-Dim got mixed up with that Hester Prynne MILF.
I enjoy watching Calipari lose.
I haven’t enjoyed the work product of a Pearl this much since The Good Earth.
I counter your Hee with my Haw-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzfbTb5i9Cs
She had a necklace too.
Steinbeck’s biography of the man did not end well for the kiddo
Anyone have tips for buying a new laptop that will be used for mostly business stuff (invoices, pay stubs, etc) and lots of YouTube/Netflix for ToddlerZilla?
/Looks at Apple Laptop prices.
Jesus Christ, are these laptops worth all the money? Some of these laptops are selling for over 3K!
Open box/last model year models are my goto for Maximum Savorings.
Please don’t enable Apple’s bullshit. Go with an HP ProBook 450 G6 or something equivalent. As long as you have a 256+ GB SSD and 16 GB RAM, you should be golden for 7+ years. If it’s an intel processor, make sure it’s at least an i3, though I’d recommend an i5 for actual business purposes. i3/5-7XXX or i3/5-8XXX.
Dell’s corporate line has been good to me, refurbished models are cheap
Avoid Acer. They are POS. I have a Lenovo for work and it’s been the best laptop I’ve had in 12+ year of having one
A Lenovo ThinkPad is a solid little machine, but it is worth mentioning that they have historically had the worst trackpads in the entire industry. However, don’t know that I trust their non-business models as much.
Re: that Bull ad – based on the rumors about Michael Weatherly, I wouldn’t let him anywhere my two young daughters either.
Ice Stampeders need to clinch the Pacific tonight because they’re not nearly as good on the road as they are at home. That 7th game will be huge because their goaltending has been ass lately.
I haven’t seen a Pearl that caused more trouble since my friend Kino and his wife Juana had to deal with all that…unpleasantness.
There was the necklace.
It befuddles the fuckballs out of me that I’ve not come across a single comparison of Zion to Sean Kemp. IT’S RIGHT THERE!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDkwK5m_0-s
TBF, Kemp was 50lbs lighter than Zion
And has 15 more kids
Now you’re muddying the waters by talking about potential.
Umm, who would you compare him to? Kemp was a chiseled power forward that was stronger, more mobile, had better dribbling skills and far more athleticism than any other player at his position at the time. He fits the bill.
He has a huge cock too.
I can talk about Andrei Kirilenko as well. But then you couldn’t make a pithy comment about my comment.
It’s apparently medium sized.
Just minding my own business online and suddenly everybody’s talking about Mussolini fighting Jim Carrey and I think the Matrix may need a software update.
Pearl doesn’t deserve this team.
I feel like this is my last opportunity to make an Auburn joke about “gold on fire” or something, but I haven’t cracked the code on it yet.
“Yeah, that window is closing fast.”
-Wheelchair-bound Jimmy Stewart
“gold on fire” sounds like what you’d get if you asked for a golden shower from a hooker with gonorrhea.
“Thank you for your support, stranger.”
-L’Don Fire