Your “The One-Eyed Man Also Has To Be S-M-R-T” Thursday Evening Open Thread

Well, it’s been a couple of days since I checked the NFL news feeds. Let’s see what’s up:

NFL Nuggets:

  • Robert Kraft’s lawyers are now citing “irreparable harm” if the video of Kraft making Cheez Whiz in Florida becomes public.  
    • Media outlets are appealing to have the tapes released, but the lawyers argue that if the tapes are released, but declared inadmissible at trial – which they are arguing in court – then the jury pool will have been tainted.
      • Florio, naturally, is on the side of justice Robert Kraft.
  • Ramon Foster & Maurkice Pouncey are asking former team members to stop ragging on current Steelers on social media.
    • They are appealing for “sanctity of the room” and the fact that current players on the former team have to deal with media they aren’t expecting on topics they want no part of.
  • It’s been awhile since I used the “Stealing” tag, but Leonard Fournette is today’s reminder (thanks Sharkbait) to always pay your tickets.
    • He was arrested Thursday afternoon after a traffic stop and charged with knowingly driving with a suspended or revoked license, according to Jacksonville jail records.
      • To quote ESPN, Fournette’s arrest is related to a speeding ticket he received in Jacksonville Beach on November 17, 2018. Fournette was cited for driving 12 mph over the posted 25-mph speed limit, which carried a $204 fine. Court records show he did not pay the fine, and the case was sent to a collection agency on March 18.
    • I guess if you don’t show up to court, and throw away what you think are payment reminders, you likely don’t know your licence is suspended.

Finally, Jason LaCanfora, over at CBS’ football site, was either extremely bored or short on content, and came up with some trade scenarios for if the Seahawks decide they don’t want to extend Russell Wilson.

Let’s gaze into the madness, shall we?

  • Trade scenario No. 1:
    • Arizona gets: New York Giants’ picks at 6, 17 and 37 overall
    • Giants get: Wilson
    • Seahawks get: 1st overall pick (could use on Kyler Murray) and conditional 2nd or 3rd (if Wilson goes to playoffs – third – or wins Super Bowl – second – in next 2 seasons)
  • Trade scenario No. 2:
    • Oakland gets: Wilson, Giants pick at 37, and Giants 2020 1st round pick
    • Seattle gets: Oakland’s picks at 4, 24 and 27
    • Giants get: Derek Carr
  • Scenario #2 makes sense if you believe Mike Mayock when he says that “you’ve got to use your gut a little bit” when it comes to Draft-day decision-making

Please consider this lunacy a reminder that the NFL Draft starts two weeks today.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Maple Leafs at Bruins – 7:00PM | NBCSN / CBC / Sportsnet
    • Hurricanes at Capitals – 7:30PM | USA / Sportsnet360
    • Avalanche at Flames – 10:00PM | NBCSN / CBC
  • MLB:
    • Red Sox at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
  •  NCAA:
    • College Baseball:
      • South Carolina at Florida – 7:30PM | ESPNU
    • NCAA Hockey Tournament:
      • Providence vs. Minnesota-Duluth – 7:00PM | TSN2
      • Massachusetts vs. Denver – 8:30PM | ESPN2 / TSN2

Playoffs here; playoff there. PLAYOFFS! PLAYOFFS EVERYWHERE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

Of course the idiot CEO that sank Sears was a fucking Randian objectivist who sank it like Bioshock’s Randian dipshit utopian city was a catastrophic failure.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anyone else watching the Melbourne-Sydney tilt?

ballsofsteelandfury

I saw the end this morning. It’s hilarious that I called the result in my AFL Beat preview, but didn’t follow my own advice in the Footy Tips Contest.

Dumbass…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This morning? The app said it was live like an hour ago. Regardless, I deffo tipped the wrong way.

Unsurprised

Got my days wrong and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine. https://t.co/gSjPY8WjKL

— Séamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) May 3, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Unsurprised
Senor Weaselo

It’s official, the Yankees originally projected Opening Day lineup has been Thanos’d, and Thanos chose the left side. (Sanchez is hurt.)
/Taking license and putting Stanton in left instead of Gardner

Senor Weaselo

Also, as I posted way back in the Russell Wilson vignettes, Gary Sanchez is Groot in this situation.

Unsurprised

I love the end of The Rocketeer when the feds and the mafia team up to shoot Nazis.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

The … uh … real one will have an anchored toilet. So you just need to worry about your ass.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

American Hero John Dillinger on display for adoring fans at the Cook County Morgue, 1934:
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The bathing beauties have been joined by an old guy in a bathrobe:
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theeWeeBabySeamus

At least he looks comfortable.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Air that sack out….. feels good on a summer night.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, Dillinger was a sociopath, not a hero.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Same thing in the US.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or everywhere.

Unsurprised

So was Ted bundy and he had fans too because people suck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup

Brick Meathook

Most heroes started out as sociopaths.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s just a double major at the school of the wealthy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Thoughts and prayers!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Someone who knows how to embed tweets needs to embed this tweet for all to see:

https://twitter.com/ParkerMolloy/status/1116521268998750209?s=19

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s a chevron drop-down on the top right of the tweet; click on that and find the “embed tweet” link.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Not on mobile

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

… he dint.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“embed tweet” is also a euphemism for anal.

Unsurprised

Thanks for stomping on my dick.

Unsurprised

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Dunstan

Damn. Cutler’s only got eight lives left now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Dating sucks.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, I’m a cunt, but that’s no excuse to be rude.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am about to enjoy a lovely dinner of spaghetti with a bolognese sauce that my wife has decided to add cabbage soup and sugar snap peas to for some reason. I am not making this up.

Gratliff

And you’re still married?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, eat plenty of the soup and give her a nice Dutch Oven later.

I mean you’ll get your ass kicked but it will be worth it and send a message at the same time.

nomonkeyfun

But then she can make large quantities of sou- Ohhhhh. Nevermind.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Dyson? He sucks too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
nomonkeyfun

Thats the way to change things up.

litre_cola

dhgate dot com. I have only ever gotten 1 jersey that was a bit off, the rest were excellent.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can confirm. And they’ll print anything you want on there. I’m thinking about getting a Bill Laimbeer jersey that says “Cocksucker” on the back.

Senor Weaselo

Now if only the other Toronto team can beat the fuck out of Boston.

litre_cola

No thanks.

Senor Weaselo

I meant the Dirt Argos over the Gritsawx!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, we know the strippers are a lot better there.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The Diamondbacks have the worst jerseys in sports.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Big.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Sudden flashback to every other t-shirt in middle school
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litre_cola

Agreed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there a pill or something I could take that would turn off my sense of empathy? You’d think that pharmaceutical companies would have come up with something by now, even if just for in-house use.

nomonkeyfun

Cocaine.

Sharkbait

Valium?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just be a good republican.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

wait what???? the red sox were down 5-0 and now have tied it 5-5???
sheesh.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

Oh shit! I missed Sharks last night!!!!!
Yea they got the W!!!! JAWSOME!!!!!
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Redshirt

Right Shark: “With Katy Perry on stage, no one’s gonna notice us.”
Left Shark: “Hold my plankton…”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

They keep showing Leaves/Fackin’Bruins during intermission. Is this a punishment of some sort?

rockingdog

found a funny:
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Turn over and go to “periscope depth.”

Gratliff

Just working my way through DS9 and bouncing between nostalgia and depression due to the way human history was supposed to lead to some peaceful enlightenment and how we’re doing whatever not that is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5J_qn93Nkc

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Its actually fun learning how Gene Roddenberry wrote Star Trek: TNG to be his ideal version of humanity (peaceful, no religion, no money, everyone working to improve themselves and each other), and after he died, the writers kind of relaxing his views for Future Humans or in some cases outright make fun of the flaws of Roddenberry’s vision.

Jake Sisko: “Nog, I need you to buy the Willie Mays Baseball Card in your uncle’s auction with your money.”
Nog: “Why don’t you use your money?”
Jake Sisko: “I don’t have any money.”
Nog: “Its not my fault that your backwards society turned away from a currency based economy.”
Jake Sisko: “We’re not backwards. We work to better ourselves.”
Nog: “What does that mean.”
Jake Sisko: “It means… It means… It means we don’t need money.”
Nog: “Yes you do. You need mine!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

One of the most hardcore libertarian conservatives I know is a diehard Trek fan to the point that she can damn near recite entire episodes and goes to conventions and all that shit. Every character and story she idealizes involves themes of social and economic equality. Meanwhile, she rails against political correctness and considers paying taxes to be the biggest evidence that we live under a tyrannical dictatorship. As far as I can tell, she’s completely immune to cognitive dissonance.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Anybody nude watching hockey?

Redshirt

Moose, we really gotta work on your drunken pickup lines.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What ever….. it worked on LemonJello.

Redshirt

Understood. Comment withdrawn.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

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scotchnaut

Me: “Should I announce this yet again? That I’m sleepy as hell?”

Me: “Sure, why not?”

Me: “It seems kinda tired at this point.”

Me: “Just like you! Am I right or what?”

Me: “I hate you.”

Me: “You mean me, right?”

Me: “…. Yes?”

Me: “zzzzzzzzzz.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[whispering] Hey guys, he’s asleep.

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LemonJello

I thought we were going to dip his hand in warm Monster Energy drink so he dreams about racing dirt bikes and fighting his step-dad in the trailer park?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Go ahead, I’m done.

Sharkbait

Knocking Boston out of the playoffs is paramount. If the Bruins, Red Sox and Patriots win titles within 8 months, the smug level will suffocate me, and probably half the eastern seaboard.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Excuse me but Fuck The Leafs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mulch the leafs.

Senor Weaselo

Only after Boston sports complexes are razed to the ground, then the earth salted. Then locusts or something.

scotchnaut

Thank the Lord a wee silly team like the Maple Leafs are beating the Boston Bruins! Maybe they’ll finally get a small amount of coverage in the national media tonight and tomorrow morning.

/crosses fingers

scotchnaut

You might want to get that not a tumor looked at…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Death

Sharkbait

Bruins not looking very good against Canada’s Team™

litre_cola

You go straight to hell.

scotchnaut

Largest purchaser of unsalted Saltine Soup Crackers? Alanis Morrissette. You can’t make this stuff up!*

*okay, maybe you can make this stuff up a little bit…

nomonkeyfun

I thought it was Nobama, instituting white slavery in the formerly great US of A.

Sharkbait

Observation: My alcohol intake and blood pressure is noticeably lower when the Ice Giants are not in the playoffs.

LemonJello

I haven’t seen Hurricanes doing this poorly since the early days of the Battle of Britain!

herodotus450

(Crosses off “during the last ice age” on piece of paper.)

Sharkbait

Obvious penalty shot call is obvious

LemonJello

Reprobates.
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I bid you all a good evening.

Brick Meathook

You’re goddam right that releasing the Kraft tapes will cause “irreparable harm” because that shit will be all over the internet in a second and the world does not need that.

ALSO, who gives a shit if he’s a billionaire? This was a handy in a massage parlor fer Chrissakes, he’s not Dillinger. What was he supposed to do, ask to see a green card first? Should he have reported her to the authorities as an illegal immigrant? Are we supposed to do this with every gardener and busboy and sex worker we encounter in our daily lives?

P.S. Dillinger was awesome.

scotchnaut

Given their very, very long history, the last thing on the minds of rich folks is reporting on illegal immigrants.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Finger guns to you.

scotchnaut

I will hate-watch the Leafs but won’t do the same to Don Cherry. I might be #theperfectcanadian.

ArmedandHammered

I don’t watch Don Cherry because I will need my retinas in my old(er) age. Plus I don’t need flashbacks to the ugly furniture my parents had in the 70’s and 80’s.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Can the Reds play the Marlins every other series?

Wakezilla

Shazam mother nude.

Oh wait, this isn’t Google.

Redshirt

This could be a Request Line.

scotchnaut

Is she on a massage table? Tell me she’s on a massage table. Please!

/unzips leather pyjamas

nomonkeyfun

Boston needs to watch out for Zaitsev. He’s a great sniper.

Wakezilla

Reminds me of Vasily Grigoryevich Zaytsev

scotchnaut

[takes out Zaitsev and a few hundred others]

-Simo Hayha

Wakezilla

I don’t think the Hawks faithful are going to let Wilson go after that playcall at the Superb Owl. That was management putting a ring on it

Game Time Decision

Is Carr really an upgrade over Elisha?

Wakezilla

Absolutely

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

At this point Cooper would be an upgrade over Elisha.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
scotchnaut

Scenario #2 is complete garbage which makes your query irrelevant. The Giants paid out a 5 million roster bonus to Eli in March. He’s not going anywhere. 71 year-old GM Gettleman is very sensitive to the optics of trading or cutting Eli.

Redshirt

Giants and Eli is like the Bengals and Dalton. He’s not the best, but its what they got at the moment and at least he doesn’t completely suck.