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Your Easter Monday Morning Open Thread

ballsofsteelandfury

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Today is Easter Monday and that’s apparently a public holiday in several countries including Canadia and Australia.

The Cheeto In Chief (love him or hate him,  that’s a funny nickname) is hosting the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt and all I can think of is that there are no children in the White House,  so he’s making his staff dress up in ridiculous costumes and making them search for eggs with the winner being given a Quarter Pounder Cheese with Bacon.

You gotta admit it,  he does have a bit of Mr. Fischoeder in him:

I’m technically on vacation today,  but I’m at work because my boss is out and I’d rather get shit done than come back to a mess.

Don’t think for a second,  though,  that I’m not spending my time planning my future retirement career as a porn producer.

Here are some porn movie ideas I cooked up over the weekend:

James Bond Porn Parodies – I’m honestly surprised this isn’t a thing yet.  You have all the fun of the Bond films with explicit sex scenes!

Porn Sitcoms – Not porn parodies,  but original comedies with a side of anal.  Keep the traditional 3 act structure but add one sex scene per episode.

Infieles (but porn) – I need to do a whole post about this show,  but,  in short,  it’s a Colombian series that started as a Chilean series that’s what,  in Latino circles,  is known as a Sexi-comedia.

It’s fun.  Here’s a taste (NSFW at the 12 minute mark and at very end):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6R6UIWmyAM&has_verified=1

Yours in the comments…

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Pre-NFL Draft DFO Draft – For Ole Times’ Sake – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] KSK experience. Earlier this week, that all changed when Lemonjello came up with a BRILLIANT idea when I mentioned my future post-retirement career as a porn […]

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Sharkbait

Brooklyn 69. It was right there too.

4
Unsurprised

I’m still in awe of The Price Is Right, tbh.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bob Kraft is too. He thought he was going to have to barter.

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Unsurprised

On a side note, since some have retired to get into the cannabis market or DJing or other performance (Jessie Andrews has like four or five companies now.) there’s some legit overlap. But also just … FUCK FUCK REVOLUTION, a DDR style game show.

Or another standup bit: Pussy Hero (guitar hero, obviously)

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Unsurprised

Pussy Hero. Starts @ 1:09 (hehehe. 69. Nice.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDOieCVwiyU&t=69

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WCS

No porn ideas (you folks have been absolutely brilliant, by the way), but NEW ARCHER TRAILER!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pEDRqQ3KQs&ab_channel=RottenTomatoesTV

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LemonJello

comment image

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Unsurprised

Spoiler

Surprise cameo appearance by Sweet Dee!

4
Unsurprised

Reality TV:

Prime time Live: what would you do?

To catch a predator

(S)Punk’d

E!’s Wild On

Balls of Steel (apparently a real series)

Naked and afraid

The Mole

Fear Factor (this would be hilarious. $50k to get bukkaked?)

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Unsurprised

Wife Swap

Which makes me realize that there’s a way to make Temptation Island a Hell of a lot more interesting. I think there’s actually a playboy channel show like this but softcore.

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Unsurprised

Can I invest my DFO shares into your venture?

1
Unsurprised

Something dawned on me the other day about all this incest porn on the tube sites: It’s extremely cheap to produce because they don’t have to do anything as far as sets, costumes, plots, basically anything. At least porn cinematography is getting better from the nadir 15 to 20 years ago when it was filmed by morons but that and HD digital make what are otherwise movies with zero production values look good, or at least decent.

Otherwise, I’m inclined to agree with what someone else suggested that it’s the only set of emotional relationships that anyone seems to have left to exploit that haven’t been entirely commodified in end-stage capitalism. Although even that will be subsumed eventually. And all we’ll have left is death, I guess. And even Pure Taboo has movies that end in murder, so who knows.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I actually think it has to do with divorce being so common. These family dynamics are more prevalent and this genre taps into that. They’re all “step” something, not actual blood family.

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Unsurprised

Damn auto-moderator. I’m not a spammer. I’m just a pervert!

Never mind.

1
LemonJello

Coming back around (phrasing! heyooo!) to Battle of the Network (Porn) Stars – there could be a draft combine and draft for all participants. That way we get a chance to examine all their, uh, “measurables” as well as see them participate in various drills. With lots of talky-talk about intangibles and similar by more established stars, or maybe just Imaginary Internet Friends.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I smell a DFO Draft Post!

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Unsurprised

No. That’s Astroglide.

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Unsurprised

One of the production companies has made an America’s Got Talent-style competition show with amateurs and pros. August Ames was in season one and I think Lena Paul won season two. Unfortunately the male judge of the three is Kieran Lee, who I despise (I’m pretty sure the only ones I don’t are black guys. Weird.). It was digital something.

American Fuck Warrior – competing in an obstacle course of various types of sex toys and machines

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LemonJello

I’m making a note of that…for my friend’s research project…
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ArmedandHammered

You could do the detective shows from the past as well, the sex scenes could be sequences where they give their alibis.

The Rockhard Files, Remington Stud, Hart on Hart, and Barnaby Bones come to mind. Hell some of them you wouldn’t even have to changes the names: Cagney & Lacey, Miami Vice, T.J. Hooker, and Moonlighting (the only all anal series).

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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a great idea! It would work with contemporary shows like Castle and Psych!

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Unsurprised

Suits – a guy who pretends to have the perfect porn star penis to break into the industry and how he has to navigate the industry without getting kicked out.

(I never got that. Why didn’t they just say he was a paralegal or something and make him a privilege-covered staffer when they found out he wasn’t a lawyer?)

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I presume so he could argue in court.

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Unsurprised

Oh. Duh.

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Unsurprised

Patton Oswalt’s “the Greatest Glory Ever Holed” about trying to find the best dick in Vegas where at the end the guy who hires her has the best dick and he just wanted her to give the best blowjob.

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Unsurprised

Oh. My mistake. She’s hired to find the cock with the question mark-shaped birthmark. Hijinks ensue!

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Unsurprised

Spenser for Hire and the spin-off, A Man Named Hawk.

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scotchnaut

Here’s some other very specific porn-for Hippos only!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2kpr4AXPU8

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ballsofsteelandfury

NSFW also at the 12 minute mark!

0
Sharkbait

The porn sitcom is a great idea. We wouldn’t have to change names either:

Big Bang Theory
Everybody loves Raymond
Two and a Half Men

Wait…is CBS doing this intentionally?

5
LemonJello

Can we bring back Battle of the Network (Porn) Stars?

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ballsofsteelandfury

This would have been a GREAT idea back in the 90s when there were such things as “contract” porn stars. Imagine VIVID vs WICKED vs New Sensations…

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s a pretty fun idea even now. I think you’ve still got girls that work exclusively with specific online services, don’t you?

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ballsofsteelandfury

Maybe? I’m honestly not as well-informed on the porn world as I may appear to be.

Remember, I’m not a doctor. I only play one on TV.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It sounds like there are still different studios, but everything is pretty much owned by MindGeek. It’s of no matter, though, you could break things up into teams like “superhero girls” vs. “stepmoms” or some such.

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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s an AWESOME idea!

/ sets up meeting
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Unsurprised

This is a great point. They may all work for the same company but most still have specific genre niches.

Also, Cory Chase would probably kick so much ass on account of her spending three hours a day in the gym and having an impressive six pack.

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Unsurprised

.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How could you forget “Two Broke Girls”? That’s the best one!

4
Beerguyrob

Umm…”Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place.”

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Ian Scott McCormick

Hung Sheldon, Man With a Gland, Murphy Brown Eye, 2 Broken Girls, The Great Inn Whores, The Wad Couple

4
Downfield Matriculator

And for you Classic TV lovers and fetishists . . .

All in the Family
Diff’rent Strokes
Laverne & Shirley
Three’s Company
Sanford and Son

and of course . . .

The Cosby Show

6
ArmedandHammered

And for our Cheeto in Chief “Golden Shower Girls”.

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Unsurprised

Perfect Strangers

2
Unsurprised

Given current trends:

Family Matters

Step By Step

All In The Family

Eight Is Enough

Growing Pains

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Unsurprised

Just the Ten of Us

Sister, Sister

Brother’s Keeper

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blaxabbath

The price is right

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blaxabbath

Jack Hanna’s Animal Bloopers

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LemonJello

America’s Funniest Home Videos

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blaxabbath

Night Court

3
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Full House
Fuller House
Dora
(S)Mash
Grey’s Anatomy
Boy meets world

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BC Dick

Has it been said already? Charles in charge, happy days, the wonder years. Every sitcom is a funny porn name. Excerpt the Cosby show. That gets dark.

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