Your “Hope The Door Hits You on the Way Out!” Open Thread

Hola. I dunno if you’re been keeping up with how we Puerto Ricans took to the streets, massively and with purpose, to force the resignation of our fucking thief and coward of a governor. Lemme just add right now that, uf… It’s been an eventful offseason—WHICH IS OVER!1!1

The Hall of Fame Game is tomorrow, featuring actual NFL players signed to NFL contracts. Plus the coaches and the headsets and the ponderous enforcement of lawyerball which interrupt the engrossing display of athletic skill, astute strategy and alt-violence. I can already smell the Toradol.

Yes, negative straw man: the real games and gambling opportunities start in September. And yet, the imminence is tangible.  If the NFL followed an online dating arc, the offseason (draft, free agency, OTAs…) is the perusing of profiles and the uneventful “Hey”, “Nice pics”, and other lame overtures that convey interest in a “I’m totally NOT a psycho” kinda way.  The first preseason game is that moment of alchemy when texting becomes “This is gonna happen!”, i.e., when flirting blooms into filth. Then Week 1 is the first meeting in person, when you corroborate if that voluptuous avi that looks like Bee Starr fronts a Patrick Star lookalike. Or when you show that “Occasional Smoker” was meant on an hourly basis.

Folks, disappointment in your team, fantasy teams, and wagering self-restraint is still months away. Let’s make the best of this delusional time.

NFL NEWS:

Dolphin linebacker Nick Bouniconti died today. Several google news posts described him as “an undersized overachiever”, plus the leader of the ’72 No-Name-Defense. Here is an article of his inspiring off-the-field life.

House Organ nfl.com reports the Saints signed WR Michael Thomas to a $100 million contract ($61 mil guaranteed). After breaking the record for most catches in three seasons, Thomas was set to earn this year a bit more than $1 million under his rookie contract. Now he’s the best paid receiver in the game.

The Dallas Sportsday gives props to the hardball ways of Jerry Jones [grabs crotch, spits on ashtray] regarding the Zeke Elliott holdout. It made me angry, not nauseous, and the only substance concerns hacky musings on Cabo—a perfectly forgettable, and therefore effective, hate read.

Of course, there is plenty of July non-events: ‘Dacteds TE Jordan Reed says he’s “more explosive”, Khalil Mack says Bears gotta win now… But there’s a story about the LA Rams adopting the Watts youth football team. Actually, most of the story is about the police’s community outreach program to which the Rams are starting to get involved. Which, to me is… I don’t wanna say “heartening”, but…

Look, I’m gonna level with you. I’m pretty much sapped of smart-aleck-ing. An honest-to-goodness revolution started three weeks ago in Puerto Rico to demand that our governor resign because he is a corrupt prick. The point of no return was the release of a private chat between the governor and his top aides, which unmasked their utter crapulence and disregard for everyone: hurricane victims, LGBT community members, women, and even their own political cronies. The people saw right through the Gov’s fake apology and the press’s early dismissal of our indignation and purpose. Right after the Gov’s “Sorry” for what he qualified as “private venting” in a chat, the first question posed was: “What do you say to the protesters outside who feel legitimate indignation?” Come again?

In every context, it takes a special kind of presumptuous douche to categorize another person’s indignation as “legitimate” or not. In the case of Puerto Rico, where both main local parties have systematically drained the fisc through cronyism and patronage, it’s punching-the-wall enraging. The chat’s inartful putdowns (“whore”, “fatty”, wanting to gun down political opponents…), was just one part of it. Public policy and communication strategies (through bots paid with government funds), were the chat’s very purpose, and one of the members was the governor’s former campaign manager. That guy, at the time, was a lobbyist rather than a government official or consultant.

For two weeks straight, people gathered in front of the governor’s mansion to demand his resignation. They were mostly youths–you know, the butt of ever-so-fresh “These Fucking Millennials” jokes. And they were disciplined, not engaging with the police guarding the mansion.

Actually, many of those officers were not police, but subcontractors and corrections officers (trained to handle riots by incarcerated felons). Every night the guards dispersed crowds, with tear gas and batons, at around 11 PM, despite there being no lawful directive to curtail the right to protest. Still, they protested every night and withstood the aggression and, more admiringly, mocked the repression.

They are starting to read the Constitution of Puerto Rico at La Fortaleza to put it to sleep. Troll Level: Puerto Rican 😂✊ pic.twitter.com/VVG5rf9Uqq

— La Planta de JGo (@laplantadejgo) July 24, 2019

The joke became that the PR Constitution, which guarantees the right to assembly just likes the US’s, had an 11 PM curfew. So, protesters gathered to sing lullabies and read stories in front of the Governor’s mansion and police to get the Constitution to sleep.

And that was the thing: protest became pervasive and confrontational but only through chants, slogans, and a hell of a lotta noise. Surprising, right? Anyone who’s met boricuas can attest to our quiet and reserved character.

On a Wednesday afternoon, hundreds of thousands clogged the islet of Old San Juan, where the Governor’s mansion is. The next Monday morning, hundreds of thousands flooded the main expressway, all eight lanes. In the meantime, and after, everybody became involved.

Pots and pans were banged at 8 PM. Protests sprouted on each of our 78 municipalities. A motorcycle and ATV entrepreneur, Rey Charlie, twice united thousands of fellow enthusiasts for motorcades—which featured, let’s say, hundreds of “informal economy businesspersons” who suspended their beefs for a common cause.

Just incredible.#RickyRenuncia

pic.twitter.com/beDYlrJFaw

— Read Raising Expectations (and Raising Hell) (@JPHilllllll) July 23, 2019

Cyclists also made a separate protest, hundreds riding into Old San Juan. Yoga groups started to convene at the Governor’s mansion in the mornings. And there was a stretch of eleven days without a single murder being reported. Maybe it was more, but reading that in the news was enough for me.

It was all about unity against corruption, not rage nor political ideology. The manifestations were exuberant, rather than solemn. That was the ultimate diss to the repression by a government trying to provoke a violent confrontation to sway public opinion. There is still time; the governor is supposed to step down this Friday and the succession is still a muddled affair. But the people have remained vigilant, and the cause for a clean public administration is only beginning.

The day the governor was expected to quit, youths crowded the cathedral near the Governor’s mansion is located, for a perreo combativo (twerk the night away in protest).

https://twitter.com/queerjibaro/status/1154205580317351938?s=21

It’s not my cup of tea, but I can’t resist top-notch sacrilege. Amén.

When the governor announced his resignation later that night, instead of rioting, protesters were seen hugging the officers

No lo he visto en Twitter. Aquí está. https://t.co/owhH7sywRw pic.twitter.com/pdD4jUkm2w

— Miguel Ríos Berríos (@MiguelriosEN) July 25, 2019

That is, the officers who were shooting tear gas and rubber bullets with malice.

I’m not a fan of democracy because, really: in practice, suffrage is reduced to rigged electioneering—especially in a colony. And yet, what has happened in the only goddamn colony left in the planet is what makes democracy worthwhile: the right to assembly, unity of purpose, protest as instrument for change. Forgoing the exercise of these rights is what makes tyranny possible anywhere, at any time.

The main slogan in Puerto Rico has been somos más y no tenemos miedo (“we are more and we’re not afraid”). It has proven right thus far. My sincere apologies for the lack of frivolity, but I’m still overwhelmed by hope.