It’s almost that time of year, when football returns and we get salvation from our family, baseball and sobriety.  And in that tradition comes a DFO Tradition where the Powers That Be grant me rare read-write access to the controls at DFO Central to talk about the Bengals.  Sadly, my prediction for last year’s team was dead on.  The offensive line tanked, the defense sputtered and the team limped to 6-10, and Marvin Lewis and Mike Brown decided to end their 16-year bromance.  We now have a nice coach in Zac Taylor, and now the question is how is a new coach going to lead this team into the Roaring 20s Part Deux?

Seriously, how am I supposed to predict how this team will do?  This is the first new head coach in nearly half my lifetime.  The last time the Bengals had a new head coach, the President was a Republican who people only thought was too stupid and simple minded and the Republican Party was thought of as antiquated and too old for America, but most people at least agreed they weren’t completely evil.  The Democratic Party was thought of as a foil to the Republican Party to make pragmatic efforts to let the government help everyone that needs their help, while keeping their small Ultra Liberal at bay.  You could tune into award shows and not have to worry about a Political Party Convention breaking out.  Everyone was still looking forward to the Star Wars prequels and Disney was happily leaving treasured animated classics alone and letting them speak for themselves.  Me?  I was finishing up High School and getting ready for college.  I still had hopes.  I still had dream.  I still had my hair!

And the Bengals have a new head coach.  A questionable quarterback.  A good running back corps.  A respectable receiver.  A bad offensive line.  An okay-ish defensive line.  A linebacking corps that needs work.  A secondary that’s just there.  And special teams that does enough to stay employed.

Now?  The Republican Party is going all Весна для Гитлера.  The Democratic Party is all but calling all Mainstream Democrats nothing but Liberal Republicans.  You cannot accept an award without having a five-minute political essay at the ready.  The last Star Wars movie asked Jar Jar to hold its beer and watch.  Disney is top secret preproduction to do a live action remake of Steamboat Willie.  Me?  I’m hopelessly drifting through life with a hairline that looks like my toupee is sliding backwards off my head.

And the Bengals have a new head coach.  A questionable quarterback.  A good running back corps.  A respectable receiver.  A bad offensive line.  An okay-ish defensive line.  A linebacking corps that needs work.  A secondary that’s just there.  And a special teams that does enough to… stay ….employed?

Leave it to the Bengals to be the stability we need in an unstable world.

QB: Andy Dalton is what he is.  He’s an average quarterback but a good field commander.  You surround him with playmakers, he’ll look like an MVP.  You don’t, he’ll stink like yesterday’s garbage.

RB: Joe Mixon is threatening to become a great player and important weapon on this team, but so was Rudi Johnson, Cedric Benson, BenJarvis Green-Ellis and Jeremy Hill at one point in their careers.  This year should show what player he’s gonna be.  Mixon’s success also resulted in Giovani Bernard’s disappearance, though.  Hopefully with a new coach, we’ll be seeing more two-RB sets as it may be hard to defend against two different styles of runners.

WR: After years of carrying this offense, AJ Green is starting to show some wear and tear.  In his absence, Tyler Boyd is quickly becoming a star, which Green desperately needs.  John Ross to his credit become a quaint red zone threat, but that doesn’t really help much since that area only represents at most 25% of the total playing surface of a regulation NFL field.

TE: Tyler Eifert has succeeded in joining Ki-Jana Carter and Greg Cook as “Who are the most promising Bengals careers lost due to injury?”  You can’t fault his effort, though, but sometimes the body just can’t keep up with the spirit.  The Bengals 2nd round draft pick is in this position and thankfully Chris Berman has retired because you know he would’ve had a field day with a name like Drew Sample.

OL: And now we being to experience turbulence in our 2019 preview.  To the Bengals credit, they did spend a 1st round draft pick on a good tackle.  Who promptly got hurt for the season because God is mad at the Bengals for several reasons.  If this position group succeeds, it will be due to coaching.

DL: Geno Atkins continues to quietly put together one of those careers that may seem like nothing now, but after he retires, seems on the boarder of “Hall of Fame Worthy”.  If he was on a good team, he’d be a nationally known superstar.  Since he plays for the Bengals, he only known to Guards and Centers around the NFL when they’re watching game film of the Bengals next week and going “Who the hell is 97?!”.  There is young talent also there, so this group could make some jumps and keep opposing QBs uneasy.

LB: Vonteze Burfict has become Oakland’s problem now, for the sake of the players, coaches and fans of the entire AFC North.  As for whose left for the Bengals, it’s like the O-line.  If they’re success here, it’ll be by coaching and development.

CB/S: There is talent here, but not superstar talent.  Though Bates III is threatening to become one.  While it’s not a hole in the Bengals defense, it’s not a secondary that opposing QBs and WRs fear.

Coaching: I have no clue.  We haven’t even seen a preseason game out of this guy.  Per Pro Football Reference, last year the Rams also did a West Coach Offense, and the Bengals did a West Coach Offense/Air Coryell hybrid (not sure how you can hybrid a slow intermediate offensive with long deep passes).  At least there is new life in the coaching staff and new ideas.  I would definitely want to be a fly in the wall so I can see the Bengals players faces if/when Taylor goes to the drawing board to change some strategies and plays for the 2nd half (“Whoa!  Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa!  We can do that?  If something’s not working in the 1st half, we don’t have to continue to do it in the 2nd half?!”).

Before we go into the season predictions, let’s take a look at the rest of the AFC North and see how…wow…

Baltimore Ravens: They’ve gone all in with Lamar Jackson and his style.  However, it will be interesting to see how he reacts to being humbled by the Chargers that team that left San Diego in the playoffs.

Pittsburgh Steelers: The Fellowship of the B’s has finished as LeVeon Bell has gone to New York to play for the Jets and Antonio Brown has gone to Oakland to (eventually) play for the Raiders.  For better or for worse, this is now Ben Roethlisberger’s team, which is good because I’m certain Big Ben’s gonna play NFL much longer that Bell and Brown will.

Cleveland Browns: Someone wake up Reagan and un-Tear Down That Wall, because it’s the 1980s again: the Browns are now relevant and quasi-favorites to win the AFC North.  If the new coach can keep all the egos in check, they may have something good up there.  However, I’ve seen this story played out countless times here in Cincinnati and I know how it ends.

Cincinnati Bengals prediction: The people at NFL Scheduling did not do the Bengals any favors in 2019, as they start their first four games at Seattle, at Buffalo and at Pittsburgh with a home game against a scrappy San Francisco in Week 2.  If they can somehow get out of that start at least 2-2, I can see them hovering around .500 as people start buying into the new regime.  But that’s a stretch because the 12th man will be ready for Week 1, it’ll still be too early in the season for Buffalo to give up yet, and Pittsburgh is always there to steal Cincinnati’s lunch money and laugh while doing it.

A quick look at the schedule shows 6-10.  There’s just too many holes in the O-line and LBs.  However, if they can figure it out in the season, I can see them stealing wins later on and finding themselves back at.500.  Either way, we’ll know quickly if Bengals are gonna stay in the cellar or if they’re going turn the AFC North into a Fatal Four way.

[All pictures credited to Cincinnati Enquirer and former editorial cartoonist Jim Borgman who now writes the Zits comic strip shown in newspapers nationwide]

[YouTube video credited to youtube.com and Clerks II is credited to View Askew Productions and Kevin Smith]

[All other words are credited to this post’s author and his demented and shattered psyche]