There’s a Sirius XM station that is completely dedicated to fantasy but there are no women on it (that I have heard). So you know what that means-men screeching at the top of their lungs about how much they love those big and fast Men In Pads. I’ll do my usual ticking off of the tilts on offer tonight and tell you what I’ve gleaned by listening to these fellas that like to holler. TO THE GAMES!
Hou/Dal:
No one likes Lamar Miller and everyone was disappointed on the news that D’Onta Foreman was IR’ed. Everyone lines up on the side of management with respect to the Zeke Elliot Debacle. One guy called the whole situation, and I quote, “uppity”. Wow. Oh, btw, they will all be taking him third or fourth if they have the opportunity.
Chi/Ind:
The 5’6″, 180 pound Tarik Cohen is getting no love at all except as a PPR play. Mike Davis, who has 37 pounds on Tarik isn’t liked by anyone either. All the love is centered on rook David Montgomery.
N.O/NYJ:
Kamara is the consensus #2 behind Saquon. No one expects Latavius Murray to fill the stat sheet the way Ingram did last year but the talkers lament the fact that they have to grab Murray later because he’s the handcuff. The collective wisdom states that Jared Cook will go on a tear like Jimmy Graham did way long ago.
S.F./K.C.:
If Jimmy G doesn’t show out tonight he’ll fall even further down the rankings. (is there that much more to go?) That tidbit of him throwing 5 straight picks in practice has gained a lot of traction. Also, the bloom is off the rose as far as Damien Williams is concerned. Many are stating that he’s over-ranked.
Broncs/Rams:
Courtland Sutton is getting all the love-the logic being that he’ll take the second-year jump with the help of a competent qb. I didn’t hear a single Jake Butt joke.
Sea/LAC:
Chris Carson is gaining traction after an initial crush on Rashaad Penney slowly dissipated. Hunter Henry is set to go second among the second tier of te’s, right after Evan Engram.
Aside from this stuff there’s some baseball and a college football game! Entertain yourselves as you see fit, as usual. And if there are any reprobates from last year skulking about, give us a little hello to let us know you’re back on board when the games get all ‘real’ and stuff.
Had a draft today. I got laughed at by the owner who kept Andrew Luck because I drafted Lamar Miller. I just reminded him that my guy is gonna come back.
I mean, some year, perhaps.
Yinz to tune into the JV Dolphins-former Redacted-coached-by-Spurrier match. This is reaching bananacakes.
There is a whole fuckload of womp womp
All that’s missing is some meth, a used hypodermic needle, and a stabbing and you’ve got yourself a typical Saturday night in the state of Florida.
You don’t think you can’t find all three in any given row of seats in that stadium?
There’s a reason we’re not seeing any crowd shots
Already there.
I am disappoint. Was hoping someone had HODOR! and/or Lamar Miller as a keeper in auction league.
Of all the lotten ruck.
-Hines Ward
Ass
May now be against the rules.
Who’s ass will Irsay do coke off of now?!?
,
lmao the Ben Garrison cartoon I posted is “pending moderation”
At least Andrew Luck has an architecture degree to fall back on.
Now he can consult and help his dad build the XFL.
He’s just gonna sit back and make bank being a guest motivational speaker at bullshit quarterly meetings for hedge funds and VC firms.
Thrilled that I was able to take Andrew Luck in my fantasy draft. Now to log on to Twitter while taking a big sip of coffee…
This is not what Andy Reid meant when he asked for Free Brisket.
Banner. Worthy.
He was taking my order! Not yours!
– Andrei Chikatilo
Andrew Luck has dealt with the following injuries in his six NFL seasons:
– torn cartilage in 2 ribs
– partially torn abdomen
– lacerated kidney
– at least 1 concussion
– torn labrum in throwing shoulder
– this calf/high ankle thing
Interesting that the Colts were able to employ Doctor Frankenstein as their team surgeon for as long as they have – but clearly he’s done good work keeping their QB together out of all the spare parts he’s found.
HODOR!
The kidney was against the Donks, after watching it in slow-mo I thought he’d retire then.
yeah that was like FUCKING OUCH
Behold the power of necromancy!
– Jim Irsay right before doing a line of angel dust across a parsons table
I just heard that Andrew Luck died. So did Jeff Goldblum.
RIP these two American heroes. There’s a candlelight vigil tonight at the cemetery, let’s all go there.
Ah, the old dual auto-erotic asphyxiation scenario. Was bound to happen.
Never gets old!
I’ve seen that video
Dude you legit scared me about jeff. Don’t do that man
Seriously. Don’t do that.
Jeff has extended his life from the blood of virg……. royalty checks.
Hollywood Insider Tip: Whenever some famous celebrity dies and the breaking news is spreading via text/email/Twitter etc. you have to add that Jeff Goldblum also died. I don’t know how it started but it’s been going on for almost twenty years. When Jeff Goldblum actually dies nobody will believe it until they see photos of his bloated blue-faced asphyxiated corpse hanging from a door knob, with an enormous erection still raging even in death.
Steelers are beating the Bengals 14-0. I hate losing to these…what? Its baseball? Well that’s even worse!
I don’t know how to change the BREAKING NEWS scroll, but, I’d like to suggest this:
Andrew Luck breaks jaw, tears vocal chords announcing retirement.
I’m on it.
Danke!
That’s the risk you take when you draft a Stanford grad (even a HODOR!) – his body tells him it’s time to quit, and he has just enough brain matter left to listen.
The Colts were due – they got Peyton and Luck, so here’s your comeuppance. And diabetes.
Brissett really is the best backup in the League, they should be able to manage 8 or 9 wins with him.
I don’t even know whether you’re being sarcastic or drug-addled, but either way I like your moxie.
the answer is YES
/also Brissett played at NC FUCKING STATE! so I may has bias.
Fun fact: In Indianapolis, cracker barrel and waffle house are considered five-star establishments.
You could say he was LUCK-Y enough to have the foresight to know when to hang it up.
sharing is caring!!
Breaking QB news!
Vinny thinks this is Orange!!!
My brain to myself: don’t make an insensitive joke, Don’t make an insensitive joke don’t make an insensitive joke
Me: couldn’t have happened to a nicer fanbase
Brain: god damn it
My Colts preview which posts on Monday WILL NOT CHANGE.
Damn it i wish i had done the colts one.
It would just be me laughing over and over again
Mine would’ve been how glue is made.
HOLY SHIT
Upon hearing the news, Jim Irsay just ripped an 8-ball worth of crushed Xanax in like 10 seconds.
(He hadn’t actually heard the news yet…it’s just Saturday.)
So uh Hodorback just retired
That sound you just heard was a million gravy bowls bouncing off the floor.
I hope Mr. Irsay didn’t spill his pill bottle(s).
Good one BTW.
WOW!!! Hippo can draft Jacoby Brissett now WOO
Cereal for dinner.
#MagicallyDelicious
h ttps://66.media.tumblr.com/eb9abaf00c292e2d26f07849bfc106cd/tumblr_pre6tovlMX1x30v1go1_1280.jpg
Hey – I hate to be the thread police, but this one has to get broken up in the link. Sorry.
Did the picture change? I didn’t see anything wrong.
The is no nipple….
And I looked VEEEEEERY close.
I didn’t see the problem either, but thanks for being cool about it. Have to be safe-ish rather than sorry.
There was no winking butthole either….. although we know it was there.
Did the rules change? It WAS high fiber cereal.
I’ll take the boobs.
Date night.
Holy shit…Bears just kicked a 58 yard field goal! NO MORE DOINKS.
Oh wait, it’s preseason and doesn’t matter lol
I see the FITBAW!! ads are going to be even MOAR jingoistic than before. Not in the military or a farmer? Hang your head in shame, QUEER!
It looks like Miami is really bad. They’ll still win the ACC coastal division b/c the commissioner wanted that side weak so his beloved Tarholes could sneak through every once in awhile.
Autocorrect tried to change that to “Tadpoles” – fuck your mother, autocorrect.
How about that #BFIB! Enjoying Bastard Man Small Bear’s belated June Swoon too.
I enjoy when my roto pitcher shuts out the oppo for 5 innings. GO #RFIB (today only)!
You know Dakota Hudson’s nickname? DAK!! Isn’t that cray-cray??
They don’t disappoint. (At being flavorless ice milk)
Ottawa REDBLACKS QB Dominique Davis has had three offensive possessions to start off tonight’s game. He’s thrown an interception on every single one.
If anyone here is over 6 feet tall, you can probably play QB for this team if you have a good grasp of CFL rules. (I’m only 5’9″ and throw left-handed, so unfortunately I’m out of the running.)
From what I saw a couple nights ago, y’all play on an 80 yard field, right?
I’m fat and slow and probably can’t throw a spiral any more, but I like beer.
Think that fucker went to U*NC, too
Apparently someone named “Lamar Miller” from something called the “Houston Texans” was carted off the field with a severe, gruesome leg injury. So if you play fantasy football, find another imaginary back from that imaginary team.
Also, the “Texans” pulled TheShaun Watson right after that due to the bad O-Line and worries about losing another player. CATCH THE HOUSTON 500 FEVER AND POSSIBLY CHLAMYDIA!!!
Fucking Christ, I was already geeked for Duke Johnson.
found a funny:
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him “Tomorrow morning. I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!” The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box…gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
I am sad to say that the NFL has ruled against my helmet and the union is still doing fuck all.
Therefore I continue my refuses to go to any NFL preseason games…or regular season games until I am allowed to use the helmet of my choice.
Commie.
(Baltika is good…I believe I’ve had 5 & 9?)
Upon review of the Russkie website, probably 7 and 9. This has been another episode of “Beers I’ve Had That No One Gives A Fuck About.”
found a funny:
ME: Oh my god, like the spaghetti guy?
DR. BOYARDEE: Do you want me to treat your snake bite, or do you want to talk about my brother?
Nice fake punt by the FL punter. You don’t have be faster than them, you just have to run scared faster than they can run angry.
Update from the MLB Players Weekend Uniforms.
The Reds, upset that their pitcher has to wear a different colored hat, asked if they could all wear their normal red hat. The MLB said no.
The Dodgers and Yankees asked for one game to wear their normal jerseys, since they are the Dodgers and Yankees and they don’t get to play often.
The MLB said no.
So, basically the MLB Players are being forced to obey MLB Players Weekend. When the Devil told his boss, he was flabbergasted, but the NFL Commissioners Office said Goodell had no comment.
The jerseys were also ugly as hell
Fucking brilliant to allow the players to express themselves by having their nicknames in a white font on a white uniform.
Thank goodness Votto is on the DL. His greatest nickname ever would’ve been completely wasted on these.
The puppet can’t speak without OL’ DOUBA J’s hand up his ass.
LOL players weekend
#BFIB pitchers all wearing red caps.
Seattle sports fans are still riding high of last night’s defeat of the Timbers, capturing the Cascadia Cup for the second-straight year. Meanwhile, in
Los AngelesCarson:Man I miss Quotables
Hi, everybody! During the no real football time, I invented a cold fusion reactor. Its right here in my hand. Its small, very inexpensive and can be used to replace all coal, oil and nuclear power plants, giving everyone on the world cheap, affordable energy while reducing all emission down to zero saving the…hey, is real football on tonight?
(throws cold fusion reactor into trash compactor)
Someone throw me a beer!
Going to a wedding with a full price cash bar. Mrs Cola and I pregamed by going to 3 breweries and bought a flask for the ceremony.
I give the marriage 18 months, tops.
Present
Dude! Great job on the EPL tipping!
Did you really hear someone refer to Zeke as “uppity” because of his holdout?
That caller has definitely said “why do they get to say the word but I can’t” in the last week.
“How is it racist when I say that ‘all lives matter’? That counts black lives too so it turns out that you’re the real racist, you racist.”
“Racism has nothing to do with race.” — Chuck Woolery
Present and accounted for.
Counterpoint: Let’s get some ambulances going
Oh no, there’s a man down.
I laughed way harder than I should have. I don’t know why.