Your “On To Victory! (*Not Applicable To Jets or Fins)” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

Why don’t teams have V-L-T (or draw) records? How did the short and curt ‘win’ win out? Is it because ‘victory’ is a bit melodramatic? Perhaps. I’d suggest a new word and that is ‘wictory’. It’s new and exciting and just rolls off Elmer Fudd’s tongue. TO THE GAMES!

Ravens/Chiefs:

All corneas should be on this one. There was lots of chatter about Arizony picking up the pace with Kingsbury showing up but the team that is the Hurry Up king so far is Baltimore at an average of 72.5 offensive plays per game. PFF’s highest ranked O player is… tight end Mark Andrews? They’ve remarked that he only plays 55% of the teams snaps and that is a travesty. But perhaps his grade is so high because of his limited participation?

Bengals/Bills:

Well, he’s gone and done it. Thanks to Singletary’s injury Frank Gore is the very first solid RB2 at the age of 36. Why? Because the Bengals are the worst tackling team in the league and Mr. Gore loves to break himself tackles. He’s got to go for at least 80 and a score.

Miami/Dallas:

The Fins are leading the league in fewest points scored, most sacks allowed, most INT’s allowed and most points scored against by opposing D’s. Call a family member rather than watch this Atrocity Exhibition.

Broncs/Pack:

Fantasy owners of Aaron Jones were the opposite of delighted at the news that coach LaFleur wants to up the number of touches that Jamaal Williams gets, creating a potential RBBC. Kudos go out to wr Sanders for his phenomenal recovery.

Falcons/Colts:

We were told that Brissett was a very conservative tosser of the football and this has been proven the first two weeks. No one aside from T.Y. has more than 40 yds. receiving so far. That’s a recipe for a losing record. Am I right, yeah right?

Raiders/Vikes:

Minny’s running game is all roses and pink unicorns but the same certainly can’t be said about Cousins and the passing game. Of the 42 players that have tossed at least one pass so far he ranks dead last. His QBR is a nasty 16.6-for comparison’s sake Mahomes is at 92.9. Sure he’ll get better but he won’t ever be good enough to take the Vikes to a conference championship game.

Jets/Pats:

The spread is 22.5. The Pats D hasn’t given up a TD yet. The Jets are playing their 3rd string qb. Is this what you want NFL? Really? Probably.

Lions/Eagles:

The Eagles secondary as a unit has handed opposing qb’s a 127 qb rating. They’ve just one INT and given up 5 TDs. Start Chubby Bubblegum. Now. By the by, you may want to pick up J.J. Arcega-Whiteside while he’s still cheap.

Did I miss anything? I hope not. There’s also some soccer going on. DAZN tells me that Sassuola/SPAL, Brom/Hudder, HAM/MAN, Lecce/Napoli, Palace/Wolves, Chelsea/Liver and Arse/Aston among many others are on offer this morning.

Have at it.

 

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Spur

you can run the Packers Donks. The Viks proved that last week. Dont late Rodgers bait you into a throwing contest.

Doktor Zymm

Oh dear god, I just noticed what the Monday night game is

LemonJello

Still plenty of time to stock up at the liquor store.

bk109

Or to Amazon Prime a Wakizashi or a Tanto and to bone up on how to do seppuku the right way 😀

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wooooooooooo

Spur

Mahomes does a nice fake handoff

Redshirt

Bengals are into flaggakke. I can’t imagine being surprised.

entropy

I am now in the portion of the game where I don’t have any reasonable expectation of competitiveness, I’m just hoping for a first down.

King Hippo

ELITE scramble!!

bk109

Arsenal.. we didn’t lose… ?!?We actually won!? Buut… we were shit for 60-something minutes… uhhhhhhhh… OY, God? I want to submit a bug report for the matrix!

entropy

I really need someone to tell me, in detail, what the Jets saw in Gase that said, “this guy. This is OUR guy. We want him.” While I know there are injuries, the loss of a few players should not invalidate your team’s effectiveness in EVERY aspect of the game. These guys would suck at parking cars they’re so poorly coached.

ArmedandHammered

He won the staring contest.

Spur

Coop is going for all the money.

ArmedandHammered

Why do they keep showing the Pat – Jets game on Red Zone? I thought desecration of a corpse was something you can’t show on TV.

Gratliff

What the fuck is Derek Carr doing?

King Hippo

daydreaming about Bauhaus reunion tour?

King Hippo

DAK DAK DAK DAK!!

Redshirt

Who told Dalton this was a prime time game?

Col. Duke LaCross

Hurns ded.

Fronkenshteen

MANBALL

King Hippo

Balls search?

entropy

Oh motherfucker the Pats fan wasn’t bad enough now there are Cowboys fans screaming “We Dem Boys!” every two minutes.

Spur

those Dallas fans will tucker themselves out by halftime.

Doktor Zymm

You need to go somewhere else. Either that or try to get those two to fight and knock each other out

entropy

Insert Godzilla “let them fight” gif here.

Dunstan

Color guy (I think it’s Fouts) just said the Ravens shouldn’t go for it on 4th-and-2 because “if they don’t get it, this crowd will get loud.”

Oh, that’s a great reason. Holy fuck.

ballsofsteelandfury

And he quickly picks up the first down. And now a TD.

Moral: Fouts remembers a different game.

Redshirt

A run for 11 yards? We can do that?!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I heard Terry Bradshaw say that Kirk Cousins was a very good quarterback. We should take away his right to vote.

ArmedandHammered

That should be enough for his kids to have him committed for his own protection (and ours).

Gratliff

Fucking love using The Seed 2.0 as bumper music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojC0mg2hJCc

Gratliff

Congratulations to all the Howard owners who benched him after 2 weeks of nothing

Doktor Zymm

Players LOVE being on my bench

entropy

That really sounds kinda dirty.

Fronkenshteen

Meh. If you can’t trust usage, you can cut bait.

Gratliff

Feels like one of those “Gonna score a season’s worth of points in one day and average 20 yards a week going forward” game

Fronkenshteen

NOW I’ll bet they put in Jordan Howard.

Gratliff

Man, I love Wentz, but he needs to stop making the exact same play that got his knee shredded every game

Spur

Heath juts killed a dolphin

Gratliff

Just saw this pic of a “taco” at the Falcons game and I want you to all be as angry as I am
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ballsofsteelandfury

Is that cum?

ArmedandHammered

Well, it is covering a taco…..

LemonJello

“Sloppy ruined taco” for a Balls search term?

Spur

i recognize the items in the picture but its not making any sense.

entropy

A place I was at last night makes pizzas with a sauce that looks like goddamn beef gravy…. and claimed it was actual pizza sauce. I am still disgusted.

ballsofsteelandfury

You’re in Indianapolis??

entropy

Hah! No, St Louis.

LemonJello

The Hague has an available time slot for a war crimes trial.

Spur

For sale, a slightly used Kenyon Drake.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like how it’s less than 5 minutes into the game and ESPN is already giving the Vikings almost a 90% chance of winning.

Spur

KC’s lack of Defense on full display. Ravens are running a train on them.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ravens are good this year.

entropy

Somehow, despite the fact I am in a midwest city for the weekend, I am near a loudmouth Pats fan. Today will be a long day.

Doktor Zymm

They’re bad apples. Only takes one to ruin a whole bar

entropy

He’s already on my nerves. It’s OK, though…. the bartenders have discovered Jameson keeps me calm.

Col. Duke LaCross

They’re like Al Qaeda. There’s pockets of them everywhere.

Dunstan

Yes, but I support torture of Pats fans.

ArmedandHammered

But I would actually prefer to have a conversation with a member of Al Qaeda, at least they are more level headed and realistic than a Pats fan.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…a loudmouth Pats fan.

Is there any other kind?

Doktor Zymm

Just tossed some brisket mac and cheese ingredients into the slow cooker! Now to go through my email and see all the companies and people on Linkedin that I don’t know who are wishing me a happy birthday

ballsofsteelandfury

Happy Birthday?!?!

Doktor Zymm

It’s the first day I don’t have to leave the house and don’t have to work in months. It’s def happy!

Col. Duke LaCross

Hey! Happy birthday!

entropy

Happy Birthday, and all that.

ArmedandHammered

Happy Birthday!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, I’m a person you don’t know. Happy birthday!

Gratliff

Oh hey, I didn’t know Jordan Howard played for the Eagles

Doktor Zymm

I only know cause he on my fantasy team

Redshirt

Update: Dre Kirkpatrick still sucks.

entropy

I don’t know if the Jets defense realizes contact is allowed before the first down marker.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Give up a touchdown on the opening drive? That’s My Raiders!

Gratliff

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp

King Hippo

and I would run one-hund-red yards…

Gratliff

Shit fucking ass Miami Dolphins.

Gatoraids

Are you reaaaaaaadyyyyy to Cruuuuuiuumble

ArmedandHammered

Clayfighters! One of the best games on the N64!

ballsofsteelandfury

No, I’m not looking that up in Pornhub!

Gatoraids

Think dolphins would play harder knowing if they show any promise they will be traded

Spur

Ft. Worth is a sanctuary city. They just need to make to the city limits.

Redshirt

Owner: “We gotta light a fire under their sails!”
GM: “We gotta have a fire sale? Okay!”

Redshirt

5-2 Defense: 12 yard run up the middle. That’s my Bengals!

bk109

Advert about a dad taking his girl to her first baseball game… and he takes her to the goddamn Mets? I know these are actors, buuuuut can we like report him to child services just in case?

entropy

Someone told the Jets secondary the game had changed to two hand touch overnight

Spur

laces out!

King Hippo

You know, I’m starting to suspect my Donks Obama shirt may not be lucky after all.

blaxabbath

RTD found stocks, below is the update of my progress on our 6,016 puzzle that I’m working on ILO watching NFL (while blaxito stays down to nap).

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ArmedandHammered

Gonna laugh if blaxito has eaten the last piece that you can’t find to complete the puzzle.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Did you count the pieces first to make sure you have the complete picture?

LemonJello

Just tell me that can isn’t a White Claw.

ballsofsteelandfury

Sadly, it is.

LemonJello

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ArmedandHammered

One of the greatest movies ever.

blaxabbath

We found a box — just one— at Target yesterday and decided to see what all the fuss is about.

I should have just sold it on eBay.

Redshirt

Make the puzzle upside down. Don’t use the picture.

blaxabbath

Did you ever see Salute Your Shorts where the redhead kid with the mullet (John Conner’s pal in T2) is good at puzzles and can do one upside down because all his whore mom’s boyfriends always wanted to do puzzles with him?

I was trying to find a clip to show my wife but the internet is that far advanced yet.

Redshirt

That’s exactly where I got it from.

ballsofsteelandfury

There’s gotta be a website that creates custom puzzles out of original pictures, right?

Asking for a friend…

blaxabbath

I love puzzles. I’d make them myself (plus all the tools for efficiency people may need) but I think there is a real art to choosing/making the right photos so it can be assembled with the necessary details and color fades.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

All you have to do is lose 20% of the puzzle in a week and you’ll be even with me!

Spur

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entropy

Jesus Christ I don’t think Falk’s legs even work

LemonJello

Fouts just gonna plow through the warning sign of smelling burnt toast to run his mouth come hell or high water.

Gratliff

Lions running that classic Lions pass defense

LemonJello

Iggles scored already?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope the Jets score a TD on their first possession so I don’t have to hear about the 1937 Bears anymore.

Spur

i like the Raiders on the road.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That would be funny.

Dunstan

The “porn search terms” thread is down below.

entropy

Oh, well done.

King Hippo

Dingleberry can only Dingleberry so much

LemonJello

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Spur

Rosen totally missed the UCLA comeback. He needed to go to bed.