DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!??!?!? YES!!!!
Friends, I have preached before at interminable length about how we live in The New Time of Wonders. Now BLEERGH!, Shan’khlor and the other Elderly Gods have seen fit to show us another Sign and Portent. Yes, it is Week 4, and Jimmy Garoppolo’s bones and tendons and whatsis are all still apparently intact. If ever there was a time to play Russian Roulette (no offense, Mrs. McCormick, please don’t send your relatives after me) with five chambers loaded, it’s right now because the Laws of Probability have fucked off for vacation in Fiji.
Yes, brothers and sisters, Jimmy G is still in one piece AND the Santa Clara Fightin’ Tomsula’s are 3-0 after a gawdawful sloppy victory over the even-more-hapless-than-anyone-predicted Stillers. Alvistime has come early for the Bay Area.
So what does this Mean? Well, we have no idea at this point, because the bye has come at the scheduling equivalent of zero-dark-30. The league scheduling office probably thought they were doing the Niners a solid by putting them first in line for a week off, because then Garoppolo’s fractured philtrum or whatever sustained in Week 1 would have an extra week to heal and he could be back in time to get permanently crippled by the Rams.
But no! Because we are in the Bizzaro Timeline, all this early bye serves to do it remind us of the misquote of Plato’s misquote of Socrates: wisdom consists of knowing that you know nothing.
Let us start with the illusion of useful information: the Data. Both the offense and the defense are outwardly firing on all cylinders, ranking in the Top 10 in points and yards.
The rushing attack is doing quite well, despite ostensible Lead Back Jerick McKinnon once again being killed before the season started. Matt Breida, bellcow back?
The passing game is ok- Jimsus Christ has yet to have a 300 yard game and his 5-4 TD/INT count is not what you want from your $27.5 million average-per-year quarterback with an extremely limited resume (he’s already equaled his career high in games started for a season).
Frankly, that is the only really concerning thing so far: turnovers. The Niners gave up five (5) turnovers to the Stillers- two interceptions and three lost fumbles. Now, I didn’t watch the game. Maybe it was raining. Maybe it was raining Crisco in Not-Frisco, unlikely as that sort of thing seems outside of Nashville. But I’d be concerned if they have another negative-turnover week against #Hardland.
On the upside, the defense has been holding its own. They are second in interceptions, tied for second in overall turnovers and tenth in sacks, so third-year defensive coordinator Robert Saleh’s crew is taking care of business. Their seven turnovers already equals their takeaways from the entirety of last season. It should be noted that Dee Ford, whom the Niners picked up in the off-season for a second-round pick, is hobbled with a knee injury that could limit his effectiveness going forward.
But Data is not what you’re here for. You’re here for rootin’ tootin’ shoot-from-the-crotch Prophetic Hot Taeks. So I shall indulge you.
I predicted 6-10 in my Preseason Guessathon. Now, the smart man knows when he’s backed the wrong horse. He looks at the situation as it actually plays out and adjusts his expectations accordingly.
But not me.
That’s right, I’m sticking to my guns on this one. Fuck this team. They’ve beaten up on 4-INT Jameis, Los Bungles and a crippled Steelers team that has deluded itself into thinking Randomly-Generated-Madden-Player Mason Rudolph will see them through.
Looking ahead, however, there are a combination of Legit Contenders and Dangerous Wildcards that are not going to allow San Francisco to get away with sloppy play. I see four likely winnable games left: two against The Birdcano, one against the Redacteds and a late-season game against an Atlanta team that will likely just be wishing for the sweet release of Death. I assume they will piss away at least one of these golden opportunities, because Shanahan. So yes- I’m predicting that the Niners will implode like last year’s 3-0 Miami Dolphins.
I hope not though. I still want Garoppolo to torture the Patriots when they are forced to turn over the reins to Jarrett Stidham. Prove me wrong, boys.
This team deserves santa clara. Maybe it’s good, maybe it sucks, but it’s douchey and up its own ass so it can get fucked.
Jed York would be a just fine sacrifice when the time comes.
Also, the time has come.
I remain “whelmed” by this team as well.
I like the possibility of this team imploding just because I can’t stand people from Northern California.
No offense to the fine Commentists that are forced to live up there and have to endure the coldest summers of their lives.
It was explained to me when going to school in the North Bay that “Nor Cal hates So Cal!”
To which I responded, “So Cal forgets that Nor Cal even exists.”