Your Sunday Night Football Open Thread

Business is brisk at The Salvation Army store on Sundays. It wasn’t always this way, hell it wasn’t even open on Sunday before I offered to put in the time. You see, the shop is a nondescript building that faces another nondescript building and they’re separated by an over-sized walkway. The only other business of note open on the sabbath is a bottle store. I happened to grab some vodka before the football games and noticed the large amount of people loading up. Many of them were a certain kind of people. My kind of people.

I suggested to the world-weary and harried spinster that ran things that I could, perhaps, maybe run a Sunday shift. Hell, I could do it on my own-all she had to do was open up for me. Well, it didn’t take long for her, maybe just three weeks, to decide that missing the beginning of Coronation Street wasn’t worth the hassle. So I got the keys just as I had planned. Of course I was the only one working as well. And sales increased overall by 15% because, as I suspected, a part of the demographic that buys alcohol early on Sunday morning also happens to shop at a used goods store. Sometimes a plan is just that easy to put into action and, you know, execute.

A guy by the name of Brad started stopping by and I’d pour him a coffee and we’d chat away. The cashiers desk was elevated so that I could survey the entire store quite easily all while ‘flapping gums’ as they say. Brad’s clothes were worn but not raggedy so I guessed he’d only recently ran into a rough patch. He eventually made it known that he was working in a wrecking yard and busted up his leg in an accident. Some nasty hospital fees (no insurance of course) and a later infection that sent him right back into care for two weeks put an end to him having an address.

“You know what I miss most about having a place?”, he asked one day. “Huh, no idea”. “It’s being able to sit back today with a cold beer and just relax and watch football.” Of course his team was the Browns-it couldn’t have been any other. The gears started doing their calculations…

The following week I closed the store one hour early so that we could catch the 4 o’clock games. There was a dark dive bar that I knew, the sort of place where everyone is a serious drinker and everyone minds their own business or they’re out the door real fast. Brad drank down that first glass from the pitcher in two gulps. Yeah, as I thought, he liked his beer and didn’t get to drink much these days. I offered to buy him a burger or something but he wanted that alcohol to sit on his empty stomach for awhile. He entertained me with stories of Peyton Hillis, Dennis Northcutt (Dennis Northcutt?) and ‘that son of a bitch’ Butch Davis.

By seven it was time to go because he was sloppy and all over the place. I could feel a few eyes looking in our direction and that’s all it took. I insisted that he grab a spot on a park bench and sober up a little before heading to the hostel where he was staying. He was amenable. Things happened fast. I stuffed a rag in his mouth when his head lolled back, punched him hard in the stomach to knock the wind out of him and then I knew he was mine.

Heading back to the car I was worried about all the spatter on my clothes should someone happen by but it was a sleepy Sunday night and there was only  dogwalker at a safe, unidentifiable distance. Business is still brisk at the store, might stick around a bit longer. Oh, almost forgot-Goodnight, Brad.

TO THE GAME!

Cowboys/Saints:

Dallas wins 20-10 as OC Kellen Moore continues to weave his magic spells over DAK!, Amari and Zeke.

Have at it gringos!

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Gratliff

FUCK YOU YOU OLD FUCK GO BACK TO THE RETIREMENT HOME

Viva La Tabula Raza

What did I say!?!?!

Spur

Kicker’s duel

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just watched the Ireland-Japan game of the Rugby World Cup without knowing what the outcome was, or even that it would be worth watching. Holy shit it was.

King Hippo

Teddy Ballgame looks much better tonight.

Brick Meathook

I was drinking with this guy tonight. I explained American football to him. “Blimey,” he said. “Cor blimey.”

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Spur

Very true. Fair weather Saint fans cheered for Dallas

Gratliff

Fair weather Saint fans cheered for Dallas

Sharkbait

13? 10? Slugfest?

King Hippo

fuck off, Cris. I will not have you ruining analytics.

Brocky

That shit could be 100% accurate and I wouldn’t believe it just because Collinsworth is the one shilling it

King Hippo

is the internet mad about the Joker having a black girlfriend?

LemonJello

It’s the internet. So, yes.

Brocky

That packers fan isn’t nearly fat enough

King Hippo

ah yes, timeout, FG, timeout, kickoff. Then maybe another timeout.

Spur
Gratliff

Ah, the trickery clusterfuck. A Saints tradition.

WCS

TRUE WCS FACT: Sean “Glass” Lee is my neighbor’s nephew.

Brocky

….is your neighbor samuel l. Jackson’s character in unbreakable?

Gratliff

So how the fuck was that different than the other 50 flags for unnecessary roughness?

Spur

Sean Lee hurt himself?

King Hippo

I am Trent Green, and so can you!

Gratliff

Is week 4 some sort of record for longevity for him or has he basically become one with the concussions?

Gratliff

Yesssss. Spread the ball around. Running back by committee at all times.

Spur

Taysom has pent up Mormon rage

LemonJello

I’m sure his wives know how to calm him down.

King Hippo

Cris would suck Taysom Hill until he bled out in his magic underwear.

Gratliff

Boo Kamara. I need a New Orleans blowout that doesn’t involve Kamara doing anything at all.

Brocky

Bitchin’ Kamara!

Bitchin’ Kamara!

I ran over my brother!

Thats what i said after I won week one.

King Hippo

taking the Gospel to the ppls, I like it

Sharkbait

MOAR KAMARA!

Spur

Wolf Hunter is going to land a kill shot on him.

Brocky

If i wasn’t so dang lazy I’d have written a piece in anticipation of the Preacher Finale tonight.

That being said I still have yet to meet someone in person who actually watches it

ArmedandHammered

Fell behind after the first season, but it is on the binge list.

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ve got a season and a half sitting on my TiVo.

King Hippo

Fuck off, Cobb. Hippo needed.

Spur

Onions are underrated. Add them to everything!

King Hippo

Onions are Hippo’s 2nd-worst migraine trigger! Avoid them at all costs.

herodotus450

(Nods approvingly)
-Bill Raftery

Gratliff

While I also enjoy onions, I feel like they aren’t underrated due to the fact that they are in pretty much everything as is.

King Hippo

DAK DAK DAK DAK!!!

Spur

Thank you Von Bell

Dumbass

Gratliff

Bulllllllllllllllshit call

Spur

TIP DRILL

LemonJello

“I know that all too well.”
-D. Favre

Gratliff

Why are all the evil teams getting tip drill picks today?

LemonJello

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King Hippo

Huh, now I realize why I don’t like N’Awlins. All the fuckers who say THEEEEE Ohio State in the intros.

rockingdog

found a funny:
[coworker on my first day back from vacation] how was italy?
[thinking about how the dogs barked normal] fine

King Hippo

they don’t even bark in Eye-Tie? That’s a juicy meatball!!

litre_cola

I know how we all perceive life which is with a dark shade of grEy. I do it every day, all day. I had a great day today brunching with friends and Decilitre was superb, snowing like a Karen here so I texted my boss and said I would work form home, no problem, finishing a magnum of prosecco a friend brought. Deci asleep. Just listened to ZZ Top, some did not know who they were, mentioned beards, bam. Female friends are the best for fun booze, male friends are the best for a one way trip to blackoutville, which I am a habitual inhabitant.

King Hippo

is nice that Mrs. Litre has enough trust and self-confidence to not look side-eye at female friends. Platonic female friends is the best type of non-imaginary peoples.

litre_cola

They have become her friends too which is superb. I am a bridesman next month but my wife is at the woman’s mimosa bar before the wedding. It is great that she is accepted, took a lot of prodding from me but so worth it so they talk and I am not in the mix.

King Hippo

before I eloped, I was to have a female best man at my wedding.

King Hippo

I’mma just stop trying to stream defensing units, play Non-Gendered Cowpersons every week.

Spur

Brees should have had that thing on his face looked at while he was in LA

Sharkbait

Everything to Kamara

herodotus450

Watching old Siskel and Ebert episodes, makes me think I need to update my glasses
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euq7gvzQXJk

King Hippo

LOVE A DED HOBO NAMESAKE!!

/also, how much moneys would it take to get him to announce himself as La’El Collins, Murder Guy?

Spur

Frito pie Chili.

LemonJello

Klaatu Barada Nictu to you as well.

Gratliff

It feels somehow more insulting to have Joan Jett there for like half a second not even getting a line in than when they pretended like this shit was original music

rockingdog
litre_cola

More prosecco? Well sure.

Sharkbait

Ohhh CLASSY drankin’!

litre_cola

My friend came over for brunch and brought a magnum. “Well fuck, I did the math. Seriously” was all she said.

rockingdog

looks like Matt BARK BARK BARK BARK BARKlee couldn’t ROUGH it!
Sad.

Spur

I slept in late today and still took a nap during the late games. I feel good.

Wakezilla

Here is today’s immature giggle:

Clots have a player whose last name is Hooker. Hilariously enough, Hooker is out with a knee injury, the way it should be.

Brocky

Hippo? Show us a sign you’re still with us buddy

King Hippo

me was drafting column so I can pill up. Thank God for #BFIB, this was otherwise a “ball sack in the pencil shapener” weekend.

litre_cola

I now know what white girl wasted is. 43 years old, drank prosecco all day and moved on to rose!

/been a good day tho.

Col. Duke LaCross

I have recently borne witness. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

litre_cola

Told boss I was working from home. Confirmed 10 mins ago……

King Hippo

hey, you still HAD SEX. Out of state sex, even.

Col. Duke LaCross

Good point.

herodotus450

Is killing a hobo even a crime if he’s a Browns fan (no offence JSD)?

ArmedandHammered

You are removing a source of valuable draft advice.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This comment is criminally underappreciated.

Gratliff

I have a 30 point lead with only Jason Garret left to play, against 2 players and Zac Taylor. I should toss Princeton on the bench to avoid backing into a loss, right?

Mr. Ayo

Don’t you dare deprive us of this story. Keep him in!

Sharkbait

Can Kamara have a 40 point night please?

King Hippo

I only need 70 from Beatie Mixon tomorry!

Brick Meathook

I don’t want to tell you how to do your job but if you could kill a hobo with a hacksaw I would read the hell out of that story.

Horatio Cornblower

Much like Brad’s trust in you, this post seems premature.

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