The “Why Grandpa Hippo Is Extra Angry” Lesser Footy Thread

Because, goddamnit.  It’s Derby Day, and as usual we have no fucking chance to even swindle a point out of those Redshite Motherfuckers.

The game is on USA at 7:30 EST.  Which hopefully means I will sleep through it.  Poor little grandson Bronco doesn’t yet know to give me a wide berth on Derby Day.  Key word being yet.

A whopping FIVE matches in the 10a window, led by Suddenly Reeling (by their standards) City of Men taking on the plucky Trashbirds (USA).  Lose or even draw today, and you’ll start seeing people foolishly question whether Pep has lost his fastball.  He really should re-think his preference for such a small playing squad, though.  You need hungry players that give you options to shake things up.  In Pretend Bernard Gilkey’s unassilable opinion.

I have some streaming interest in Robins Hood home to Luton, but that’s just ’cause I’m weird.  You can and should do better.  Praise Beesus (alarm bells ringing there) hosting Boo-urnley?  Both teams could use a boost (Lowratio joke, high five!).

Sportlight Dance is indeed a treat, Chelski hosting Arsenal (12:30, NBC).  Should Handsome Mikel’s men want to be viewed as True Contenders to the Lesser Throne?  They need to win matches like this one.  Their Blue foes have the teeniest bit of momentum and belief, though.  Gooners need to hit them early, break their will, yada yada.

Peacock annoyingly streaming Team Knifey home to Men Untied (3p), while there is only ONE stinking match on Sunday.  And EVEN THAT bleeds into Precious RedZone Time (Villa hosting Rum Ham, 11:30 Sun, USA).  I mean, it’s like they schedule without consulting Hippo at fooking all smh.

Last and maybe least, Mighty Whitey visit Spurs on Monday Night Footy (3p Monday, USA).  I do believe its too soon for Swarthy Ange to really lead this group to a title challenge, but Top Four is a realistic stretch goal.  Fulham just need to get right and go after Zooropa NIT qualification, or at least mid-Table comfort.

Ballsy’s La Liga Minute:

It’s a smaller story, but I know you’ve been following it. Real Madrid (/Don T spits on the ground) is currently leading the league by two points over the young, enthusiastic, and well-coached Catalonian team we all love: GIRONA!

Yup, it’s true. Little Girona from Catalonia (located north of Barcelona) is in second place, one point in front of Barça after 9 games. As the British say, it’s still early days, but I dare say this is probably the highest that Girona have ever been in the table this far into the season. Felicitats!

Paedo State (+4) at tOhio State (Noon, Fox)

Pre-expansion B1G really only plays three games a year, and the first of these has finally arriven.  Cheering for the Tree Nutz feels weird, but hey – they don’t make a point of fucking 12 year olds in the shower.  Well, at least not outside of rasslin’ (we see you lurking over there, Gym Jordan).  This one will be a physical, defensive battle.  Home field likely decisive.

UCF (+19) at Oklahoma (Noon, ABC)

Sorry, I still have square root of fuckall belief in Steerfuckers North.  Really expecting the Hitler Mice to at least make a game of this.

Mississippi State (+6) at Arkansas (Noon, ESPN)

There are few things I love MOAR in JV NFL than a True Desperation Bowl, and this one qualifies.  Loser starts to wonder whether they might pitch a shutout in SEC play, which is always a great way to get fired.  Winner goes back to thinking they can salvage a 6 or 7 win season and a December exhibition.  Exhibit 2,307+ of how hard it is to follow an Air Raid coach and deciding to change the offense.

Washington State (+4) at Oregon (3:30, ABC)

This was a much better looking matchup before Wazzu laid a home turd against Bear Down FOAR Midterms,  But I’d expect a bit of a reaction in a shootout-type game.  Quack Attack will probably play angry, but we will have to see how effectively.

Tennessee (+9.5) at Alabama (3:30, CBS)

Roll Damn Tide has some kind of absurd home winning streak in October.  I guess it’s some kind of Saban Sweet Spot?  But I’m telling you it could easily end today, in what (like Paedos/THEEEEE) will be lower scoring than the casual fan expects.

BDSM State (+3.5) at West By God Virginia (3:30, ESPN)

Loser could possibly go into a tailspin here.  Winner wants to think about somehow getting into the Big 12 title game, thanks to some favoUrable scheduling.