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"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

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Your “Rippin’ Off The Band-Aids” Wednesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

/

,

NFL Noise:

Today is mostly injury updates:

  • Drew Brees is practicing like he expects to play on Sunday.
    • It is a home game versus Arizona, so there’s no real rush to get him out there like it’s a must-win game.
    • After this week, it’s four in a row against divisional opponents – Falcons twice; away in Tampa; home versus Carolina – so if they feel he needs to shake off the rust they might let him have a quarter before Teddy takes over.
  • Also practicing this week is Patrick Mahomes.
    • It’s only been a week since he dislocated his kneecap. The initial injury timetable was three weeks.
      • They are playing Green Bay Sunday night, which is incentive for him to return.
      • Incentive to rest him? The rest of the season, plus a likely playoff berth.
        • They have a two-game lead over the Raiders, who are 3-3.
  • Adam Thielen has been scratched from tomorrow’s game versus the [Redacteds].
    • His strained hamstring hasn’t fully recovered.
      • It’s likely preventative, since they won’t need him to beat a bad team.
  • Josh Gordon has been placed on IR by the Patriots.
    • A result of twisting his knee versus the Giants.
    • Once he’s done, the Patriots intend to waive him.
      • Which makes their trade for Mohamed Sanu make clearer sense.

All this injury talk makes this seem like a good place for a musical interlude I’m sure you’re all familiar with.

I don’t care if you think it’s tired – it’s a classic.

—————————————————————————–

In other news, today’s Seahawks email is about my EXCLUSIVE ACCESS!!1!!1! to Pro Bowl tickets.

They start at just $35. Why, it’ll be the cheapest thing to do in Orlando that weekend, now that Robert Kraft no longer comes to town to use up his coupons for local gentlemen’s establishments.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • World Series Game 2: Not Expos at Astros – 8:00PM | FOX / Sportsnet
  • NHL:
    • Red Wings at Senators – 7:30PM | Sportsnet1
    • Penguins at Lightning – 8:00PM | NBCSN
  • NBA:
    • Celtics at 76ers – 7:30PM | ESPN / TSN3
    • Knicks at Spurs – 8:30PM | TSN5
    • Nuggets at Trail Blazers – 10:30PM | TSN3
  • MLS:
    • Eastern Conference semi-final:
      • New York City FC vs. Toronto FC – 7:00PM | FS1 / TSN
    • Western Conference semi-final:
      • Seattle Sounders vs. Real Salt Lake – 10:00PM | FS1 / TSN
  • Wrasslin’:
    • AEW Dynamite – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN2
    • WWE NXT – 8:00PM | USA
  • NCAA:
    • Women’s College Volleyball:
      • Kansas at Kansas State – 7:00PM | ESPNU
      • Mississippi at Georgia – 9:00PM | ESPNU

Tonight’s TV:

  • It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia – “The Gang Texts” – 10:00PM | FXX

There’s a little something for everybody tonight. See you down below.

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yeah right

There’s this wonderful neighbor, trying to walk her dog.

She’s elder.

We all are.

But this dog is literally dying.

Shit.

Suburban life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJcPJKDQaVc

1
yeah right

Sunday Gravy freestyle:

If you can soux vide why couldn’t you take a Glad oven safe baking bag and soak that fucker and it’s soon to be low cooked contents in 185 degrees in a stock pot filled with a tasty stock?

With your protein and your herbs and your marinade.

Until reaching optimum temperature?

Don’t try this when you’re high!

/takes notes

5
yeah right

One of the more interesting elements about pork, which I love so much, is the importance of using the right wine, based – not on the animal – but on the cut of the pork. The blood flow throughout the pig greatly influences the cut.

You can get a chop that tastes like the finest steak.

You can also get some slow cooked over smoke pork shoulder that can possibly change your life.

Or you can get a piece of perfectly cooked loin that is subtle, yet perfect.

The less blood there is dictates the wine. A leaner cut could be brined overnight in a white wine with garlic, peppercorns and bay leaf.

In all honesty? Brine the redder cuts in this too.

It’s goddamn perfect for pork.

Pork farmers should pay my ass.

Goddammit now I want a pork chop.

3
Unsurprised

When’s the Sunday Gravy cookbook and Food Network show coming? That all sounds incredible.

2
yeah right

Soon.

Ish.

Social Security said 3 additional years.

I got this.

2
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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3
yeah right

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MraHwvDaVlI

1
yeah right

My annual state of the state address:

I’m now 58 years old as of today.

I’m 15 pounds lighter than last year.

I have 2 fantastic daughters who produced (currently) 3 gorgeous granddaughters.

My doctor is amazed at my blood numbers and overall health.

I walk on the beach in LA 5 days out of 7.

My knees feel better than they have in 15 years.

I’m tanned!

Rested!

An ready for at least 30 more years.

Cheers to you magnificent motherfuckers!

11
Wakezilla

Happy birthday Yeah Right!

You sound like you’re living the life!

How many KMs/miles do you walk each outing?

2
yeah right

It’s about 4-5 miles each outing depending on when I get out there. On work days it can be 4 and on weekends I’ve gone up to 7 miles.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Congrats on doing better than those of us decades younger. You sonuvabitch.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

The people who are too dumb to understand Southwest’s Boarding process should lose their right to vote

3
Brick Meathook

Southwest is a cargo airline! You’re a big guy, you shouldn’t be in steerage.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Konichiwa, bitches

3
Senor Weaselo

-Kurt Suzuki

1
yeah right

Nice!

0
Brick Meathook

There’s gonna be a big-titted super-model who gets hate-fucked by a hill-billy to-night.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Does Melania count as a supermodel?

2
Unsurprised

Donny has the big titties in that relationship.

2
Brick Meathook

wrong also

0
Brick Meathook

no

0
Unsurprised

The Dollop on Lyndon LaRouche was great, especially at pointing out how he coordinated with the Reagan White House to ratfuck the Democrats.

https://thedollop.libsyn.com/387-lyndon-larouche

0
Brick Meathook

Lyndon LaRouche has been dead for ten years and nobody gave a shit about him when he was alive.

1
WCS

The World Series broadcast you had tuned into has been preempted by this snuff film.

2
Unsurprised

It’s worth watching now?

0
Brick Meathook

Yes, it was a great game. A pitcher’s duel mostly until the Nats exploded in the 8th.

1
Horatio Cornblower

“They say ‘baseball isn’t what it used to be’, and then they ask ‘you let who play?’”

2
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“Su-ZUKI?!?!”

4
yeah right

He could never hit a curve ball.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I’m not sure what was going on in the Nationals’ dugout just now, but the Supreme Court just voted 5-4 to ban it.

1
Mr. Ayo

Yeah, that needs to be banned.

1
Unsurprised

Kavanaugh’s gonna lose $500k no matter which team wins, and it’ll immediately be paid off somehow.

5
Wakezilla

Did you guys watch a clip of AOC grilling Zuckerberg today? Zucks looked like he was having PTSD to when he was in highschool and looked like he was going to shoot up the place. Lol

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I saw the headlines, but I figured it was clickbait.

0
Brick Meathook

AOC is a bartender and I have no idea who “Zuckerberg” is (the Facebook guy?)

You people get excited over the most trivial horseshit ever. They’re throwing peanuts at your face like a monkey and you think you’re an intellectual for that.

1
yeah right

I’m not sure where you’re heading but..

I’m hungry for more!

1
Wakezilla

Nah, it was funny.

0
Senor Weaselo

Goddammit, why would you put Fernando Rodney in with a 6-run lead? Or a 16-run lead? Or ever?

0
Horatio Cornblower

But his hat!

0
litre_cola

Every time he has appeared this post season I am still in awe that he is still in the league. Good on him for lasting this long.

1
Gratliff

Fuck, that texting episode was good

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I would like it very much if Apple released a product called the Apple Spy, which they happily admit spies on their users’ every action in order to collect marketing data.

0
WCS

Russia would immediately call it the greatest leap in technology of all, and, subsequently, Herr Cheetoh will tweet, “BETTER THAN THE WHEEL AND FIRE! PRESIDENT PUTIN INSTALLED IT IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR FREE! #KAGA”

0
Horatio Cornblower

They literally released an Apple Watch that records everything you do and steals the other teams signs during baseball games.

1
Horatio Cornblower

THESE HOUSTON ASTROS I CALL THEM ROBERTO OSUNA’S GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SMACKED AROUND RIGHT NOW!!!

10
Unsurprised

Set him on fire and dump the ashes into the Deepwater Horizon hole.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Is anyone watching the baseball game?

0
WCS

If you mean, “Blowing off submitting midterm grades,” then, yes.

3
Gratliff

That reminds me. Gotta go check my kid’s grades and see if I need to smother him in his sleep. It’s so easy to be a parent these days. You just know everything. No illusion of your child being an angel, or even a remotely decent person.

2
litre_cola

When I was in high school there would be robocalls for truancy and the computer at the thime was alphabetical so when I skipped class I knew the call would come between 430 and 5. I would always cut class when I knew I would be home then.

0
Gratliff

Not only do we get the robo calls, it’s updated in the SIS the second the teacher does attendance in every period. Furthermore, I have full admin access on the SIS for his school district, so I know when everything gets updated. I don’t pay much attention when he’s behaving, but when he’s being a prick like he’s been the past few weeks, it’s a level of access I demonstrate routinely. Can’t wait til he’s a teenager and rebels by going off the grid and living in the wilderness.

1
litre_cola

I used to loathe parent teacher interviews because that is when they found out everything. If my grades were good, my sarcasm and pushing boundaries was overlooked.

2
Gratliff

Everything my kid does is either an A or a 0, and when the 0’s start piling up, I get to bring up all the shit I kept track of but didn’t use against him yet. He’s going to brain me at 40 and put me in a home.

1
Gratliff

Also, my parents were garbage, so I never had to worry about parent teacher conferences. Was very disappointed as an adult to learn that they’re very much a popular thing and I need to wait for other asshole parents to bitch about their kid getting an A- at some point.

0
Brick Meathook

When I was a teacher I loved the parent-teacher meetings so I could find single moms who loved to fuck yet made poor decisions.

3
Gratliff

I feel like that describes all parents, single or no

1
Brick Meathook

I should point out that I was never a teacher. But I still like nailing single moms, if I can.

4
litre_cola

Yep, Verlander just got clobbered.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Verlander has had a horrible postseason.

0
litre_cola

His wife’s breasts are masterpieces.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

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0
Brick Meathook

“You’ve seen my wife’s big ol’ titties now here’s her shapeless ass! She hides her midsection!” says the losing pitcher tonight.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They are big Trump supporters; they are horrible people.

1
Unsurprised

Her uncle is a Tea Party congressman and a really piece of shit.

He was also the guy Joe Biden spoke in support of last year before the election. Yeah, yeah. Charity work. My entire ass.

0
Brick Meathook

Hell yeah

0
Mr. Ayo

Astros have turned into a pumpkin.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Or a blumpkin.

2
Mr. Ayo

You might be right.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s kind of messed up that I can’t tell if that body part on the bottom right is a boob or a butt.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If it’s a butt; mutants live among us.

*other than the obvious ones.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I know I’ve been down this road before, but this Jim Beam ad still kills me. “He didn’t pay them, or give them any kind of recognition whatsoever…”

That said, I still have a bottle of Jim Beam in my liquor cabinet.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Slavery. That’s called slavery.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
Brick Meathook

I have a big trip coming up and one of the wheels on my big roller bag has broken!
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Wait! The other wheel looks pretty weak too!
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Replacement wheels on Amazon are inconsistent and prices vary wildly, plus I need these wheels now. I noticed that in-line skate wheels are also listed alongside luggage wheels. What should I do?

0
Brick Meathook

So I goes down to the local Big-5 I does, to look for replacement in-line skate wheels. The only replacements they have are the wrong size, and cost $40 for a set of four.

However . . .

I spot a pair of children’s skates that have the proper 70mm/24mm wheels.
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0
Brick Meathook

They’re on sale for $39.95, but I talk the manager down to $30 out-the-door and I buy the pair of skates. But will they fit? They do! They’re the same wheels, just pink and white like a laboratory mouse!
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1
Brick Meathook

Ta Da!
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I got eight wheels for $30 even, instead of potentially only four wheels for $40 plus tax! I have years worth of spares available now, plus I can sell wheels at the airport at black-market prices!

4
Brick Meathook

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2
Brick Meathook

Lockheed SR-71 at Smithsonian Udvar-Hazy Annex:
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2
ballsofsteelandfury

The alternative I was going to suggest was to go down to the Fashion District and pick up a whole new bag for less than $40, but this seems a more environmentally-friendly route.

1
Brick Meathook

My bag is now better than any bag available through any market.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, you can barter at the Big 5?

0
Brick Meathook

You can barter anywhere.

0
Unsurprised

Not over who run Bartertown.

1
Senor Weaselo

Mecanum wheels, you know you want to!

2
Brick Meathook

Wow, I had to Google that. Those are pretty interesting. Your robot fighting & wheels knowledge is high.

1
Senor Weaselo

That’s what the Brooklyn team used!

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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2
ballsofsteelandfury

This is true.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I wouldn’t know.

Mostly because I never even try to do things.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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3
Gratliff

Chris Jericho doing a wrestling promo where he just blows an air horn every time Cody Rhodes talks. At least wrestling is always* good.

*almost never, except for things like this

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
herodotus450

I’m on to the Ottawa plan; get guys like Tckachuk, Boroiewecki, and Bobby Ryan so no one knows how to pronounce any of your players’ names, then they can’t be criticized.

0
herodotus450

In case you’re not Scotchy, you might not realize how hilarious this joke is; you see, no one knows how to pronounce Borowieciki, and Bobby Ryan is a fake name because he was in witness protection or something.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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1
herodotus450

Only the second period and the Wings announcers are talking about next years draft.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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0
Fronkenshteen

Alex Bregman would appear to be a cocky little asshole.

0
scotchnaut

You spelled Riley Reid wrong.

7
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is a fairly tight joke, considering.

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3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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0
scotchnaut

[sees body float to surface]

“Everything is coming up Milhouse!”

-N. Muntz

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Crabby!

0
scotchnaut

Red Wings power play brought to you by Urban Decay.

2
scotchnaut

Urban Decay is like Old Navy but with 95% less government funding.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A leeked celebrity video.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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2
scotchnaut

“I don’t get it.”

-The Onion

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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0
Brick Meathook

When I was in the Navy I saw this happen to a guy once.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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3
herodotus450

It’s the “let’s try not to tank too hard or else it will be obvious” bowl in Ottawa tonight.

1
scotchnaut

Sens 1 for 25 on the power play?

1
scotchnaut

Shouty out to Unsurprised for pointing me towards The Dollop. The Reagan thingy with Patton Oswalt is a goddamn gem.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My wife invited me to walk down to the Indian place to grab a samosa. I told her no, I was going to work out instead. But then I changed my mind so now I’m here instead. I guess I’ll work out later, but damn, it’s super hot today.

4
ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, the walk IS the workout!

2
yeah right

If it’s the same place as the one from the pub crawl, that’s a damn tasty samosa.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, those things are really good. I gotta do that more often.

2
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