NFL Noise:
Today is mostly injury updates:
- Drew Brees is practicing like he expects to play on Sunday.
- It is a home game versus Arizona, so there’s no real rush to get him out there like it’s a must-win game.
- After this week, it’s four in a row against divisional opponents – Falcons twice; away in Tampa; home versus Carolina – so if they feel he needs to shake off the rust they might let him have a quarter before Teddy takes over.
- Also practicing this week is Patrick Mahomes.
- It’s only been a week since he dislocated his kneecap. The initial injury timetable was three weeks.
- They are playing Green Bay Sunday night, which is incentive for him to return.
- Incentive to rest him? The rest of the season, plus a likely playoff berth.
- They have a two-game lead over the Raiders, who are 3-3.
- It’s only been a week since he dislocated his kneecap. The initial injury timetable was three weeks.
- Adam Thielen has been scratched from tomorrow’s game versus the [Redacteds].
- His strained hamstring hasn’t fully recovered.
- It’s likely preventative, since they won’t need him to beat a bad team.
- His strained hamstring hasn’t fully recovered.
- Josh Gordon has been placed on IR by the Patriots.
- A result of twisting his knee versus the Giants.
- Once he’s done, the Patriots intend to waive him.
- Which makes their trade for Mohamed Sanu make clearer sense.
All this injury talk makes this seem like a good place for a musical interlude I’m sure you’re all familiar with.
I don’t care if you think it’s tired – it’s a classic.
—————————————————————————–
In other news, today’s Seahawks email is about my EXCLUSIVE ACCESS!!1!!1! to Pro Bowl tickets.
They start at just $35. Why, it’ll be the cheapest thing to do in Orlando that weekend, now that Robert Kraft no longer comes to town to use up his coupons for local gentlemen’s establishments.
Tonight’s sports:
- MLB:
- World Series Game 2: Not Expos at Astros – 8:00PM | FOX / Sportsnet
- NHL:
- Red Wings at Senators – 7:30PM | Sportsnet1
- Penguins at Lightning – 8:00PM | NBCSN
- NBA:
- Celtics at 76ers – 7:30PM | ESPN / TSN3
- Knicks at Spurs – 8:30PM | TSN5
- Nuggets at Trail Blazers – 10:30PM | TSN3
- MLS:
- Eastern Conference semi-final:
- New York City FC vs. Toronto FC – 7:00PM | FS1 / TSN
- Western Conference semi-final:
- Seattle Sounders vs. Real Salt Lake – 10:00PM | FS1 / TSN
- Eastern Conference semi-final:
- Wrasslin’:
- AEW Dynamite – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN2
- WWE NXT – 8:00PM | USA
- NCAA:
- Women’s College Volleyball:
- Kansas at Kansas State – 7:00PM | ESPNU
- Mississippi at Georgia – 9:00PM | ESPNU
- Women’s College Volleyball:
Tonight’s TV:
- It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia – “The Gang Texts” – 10:00PM | FXX
There’s a little something for everybody tonight. See you down below.
There’s this wonderful neighbor, trying to walk her dog.
She’s elder.
We all are.
But this dog is literally dying.
Shit.
Suburban life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJcPJKDQaVc
Sunday Gravy freestyle:
If you can soux vide why couldn’t you take a Glad oven safe baking bag and soak that fucker and it’s soon to be low cooked contents in 185 degrees in a stock pot filled with a tasty stock?
With your protein and your herbs and your marinade.
Until reaching optimum temperature?
Don’t try this when you’re high!
/takes notes
One of the more interesting elements about pork, which I love so much, is the importance of using the right wine, based – not on the animal – but on the cut of the pork. The blood flow throughout the pig greatly influences the cut.
You can get a chop that tastes like the finest steak.
You can also get some slow cooked over smoke pork shoulder that can possibly change your life.
Or you can get a piece of perfectly cooked loin that is subtle, yet perfect.
The less blood there is dictates the wine. A leaner cut could be brined overnight in a white wine with garlic, peppercorns and bay leaf.
In all honesty? Brine the redder cuts in this too.
It’s goddamn perfect for pork.
Pork farmers should pay my ass.
Goddammit now I want a pork chop.
When’s the Sunday Gravy cookbook and Food Network show coming? That all sounds incredible.
Soon.
Ish.
Social Security said 3 additional years.
I got this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MraHwvDaVlI
My annual state of the state address:
I’m now 58 years old as of today.
I’m 15 pounds lighter than last year.
I have 2 fantastic daughters who produced (currently) 3 gorgeous granddaughters.
My doctor is amazed at my blood numbers and overall health.
I walk on the beach in LA 5 days out of 7.
My knees feel better than they have in 15 years.
I’m tanned!
Rested!
An ready for at least 30 more years.
Cheers to you magnificent motherfuckers!
Happy birthday Yeah Right!
You sound like you’re living the life!
How many KMs/miles do you walk each outing?
It’s about 4-5 miles each outing depending on when I get out there. On work days it can be 4 and on weekends I’ve gone up to 7 miles.
Congrats on doing better than those of us decades younger. You sonuvabitch.
The people who are too dumb to understand Southwest’s Boarding process should lose their right to vote
Southwest is a cargo airline! You’re a big guy, you shouldn’t be in steerage.
Konichiwa, bitches
-Kurt Suzuki
Nice!
There’s gonna be a big-titted super-model who gets hate-fucked by a hill-billy to-night.
Does Melania count as a supermodel?
Donny has the big titties in that relationship.
wrong also
no
The Dollop on Lyndon LaRouche was great, especially at pointing out how he coordinated with the Reagan White House to ratfuck the Democrats.
https://thedollop.libsyn.com/387-lyndon-larouche
Lyndon LaRouche has been dead for ten years and nobody gave a shit about him when he was alive.
The World Series broadcast you had tuned into has been preempted by this snuff film.
It’s worth watching now?
Yes, it was a great game. A pitcher’s duel mostly until the Nats exploded in the 8th.
“They say ‘baseball isn’t what it used to be’, and then they ask ‘you let who play?'”
“Su-ZUKI?!?!”
He could never hit a curve ball.
I’m not sure what was going on in the Nationals’ dugout just now, but the Supreme Court just voted 5-4 to ban it.
Yeah, that needs to be banned.
Kavanaugh’s gonna lose $500k no matter which team wins, and it’ll immediately be paid off somehow.
Did you guys watch a clip of AOC grilling Zuckerberg today? Zucks looked like he was having PTSD to when he was in highschool and looked like he was going to shoot up the place. Lol
I saw the headlines, but I figured it was clickbait.
AOC is a bartender and I have no idea who “Zuckerberg” is (the Facebook guy?)
You people get excited over the most trivial horseshit ever. They’re throwing peanuts at your face like a monkey and you think you’re an intellectual for that.
I’m not sure where you’re heading but..
I’m hungry for more!
Nah, it was funny.
Goddammit, why would you put Fernando Rodney in with a 6-run lead? Or a 16-run lead? Or ever?
But his hat!
Every time he has appeared this post season I am still in awe that he is still in the league. Good on him for lasting this long.
Fuck, that texting episode was good
I would like it very much if Apple released a product called the Apple Spy, which they happily admit spies on their users’ every action in order to collect marketing data.
Russia would immediately call it the greatest leap in technology of all, and, subsequently, Herr Cheetoh will tweet, “BETTER THAN THE WHEEL AND FIRE! PRESIDENT PUTIN INSTALLED IT IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR FREE! #KAGA”
They literally released an Apple Watch that records everything you do and steals the other teams signs during baseball games.
THESE HOUSTON ASTROS I CALL THEM ROBERTO OSUNA’S GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING SMACKED AROUND RIGHT NOW!!!
Set him on fire and dump the ashes into the Deepwater Horizon hole.
Is anyone watching the baseball game?
If you mean, “Blowing off submitting midterm grades,” then, yes.
That reminds me. Gotta go check my kid’s grades and see if I need to smother him in his sleep. It’s so easy to be a parent these days. You just know everything. No illusion of your child being an angel, or even a remotely decent person.
When I was in high school there would be robocalls for truancy and the computer at the thime was alphabetical so when I skipped class I knew the call would come between 430 and 5. I would always cut class when I knew I would be home then.
Not only do we get the robo calls, it’s updated in the SIS the second the teacher does attendance in every period. Furthermore, I have full admin access on the SIS for his school district, so I know when everything gets updated. I don’t pay much attention when he’s behaving, but when he’s being a prick like he’s been the past few weeks, it’s a level of access I demonstrate routinely. Can’t wait til he’s a teenager and rebels by going off the grid and living in the wilderness.
I used to loathe parent teacher interviews because that is when they found out everything. If my grades were good, my sarcasm and pushing boundaries was overlooked.
Everything my kid does is either an A or a 0, and when the 0’s start piling up, I get to bring up all the shit I kept track of but didn’t use against him yet. He’s going to brain me at 40 and put me in a home.
Also, my parents were garbage, so I never had to worry about parent teacher conferences. Was very disappointed as an adult to learn that they’re very much a popular thing and I need to wait for other asshole parents to bitch about their kid getting an A- at some point.
When I was a teacher I loved the parent-teacher meetings so I could find single moms who loved to fuck yet made poor decisions.
I feel like that describes all parents, single or no
I should point out that I was never a teacher. But I still like nailing single moms, if I can.
Yep, Verlander just got clobbered.
Verlander has had a horrible postseason.
His wife’s breasts are masterpieces.
“You’ve seen my wife’s big ol’ titties now here’s her shapeless ass! She hides her midsection!” says the losing pitcher tonight.
They are big Trump supporters; they are horrible people.
Her uncle is a Tea Party congressman and a really piece of shit.
He was also the guy Joe Biden spoke in support of last year before the election. Yeah, yeah. Charity work. My entire ass.
Hell yeah
Astros have turned into a pumpkin.
Or a blumpkin.
You might be right.
It’s kind of messed up that I can’t tell if that body part on the bottom right is a boob or a butt.
If it’s a butt; mutants live among us.
*other than the obvious ones.
I know I’ve been down this road before, but this Jim Beam ad still kills me. “He didn’t pay them, or give them any kind of recognition whatsoever…”
That said, I still have a bottle of Jim Beam in my liquor cabinet.
Slavery. That’s called slavery.
I have a big trip coming up and one of the wheels on my big roller bag has broken!
Wait! The other wheel looks pretty weak too!
Replacement wheels on Amazon are inconsistent and prices vary wildly, plus I need these wheels now. I noticed that in-line skate wheels are also listed alongside luggage wheels. What should I do?
So I goes down to the local Big-5 I does, to look for replacement in-line skate wheels. The only replacements they have are the wrong size, and cost $40 for a set of four.
However . . .
I spot a pair of children’s skates that have the proper 70mm/24mm wheels.
They’re on sale for $39.95, but I talk the manager down to $30 out-the-door and I buy the pair of skates. But will they fit? They do! They’re the same wheels, just pink and white like a laboratory mouse!
Ta Da!
I got eight wheels for $30 even, instead of potentially only four wheels for $40 plus tax! I have years worth of spares available now, plus I can sell wheels at the airport at black-market prices!
Lockheed SR-71 at Smithsonian Udvar-Hazy Annex:
The alternative I was going to suggest was to go down to the Fashion District and pick up a whole new bag for less than $40, but this seems a more environmentally-friendly route.
My bag is now better than any bag available through any market.
Wait, you can barter at the Big 5?
You can barter anywhere.
Not over who run Bartertown.
Mecanum wheels, you know you want to!
Wow, I had to Google that. Those are pretty interesting. Your robot fighting & wheels knowledge is high.
That’s what the Brooklyn team used!
This is true.
I wouldn’t know.
Mostly because I never even try to do things.
Chris Jericho doing a wrestling promo where he just blows an air horn every time Cody Rhodes talks. At least wrestling is always* good.
*almost never, except for things like this
I’m on to the Ottawa plan; get guys like Tckachuk, Boroiewecki, and Bobby Ryan so no one knows how to pronounce any of your players’ names, then they can’t be criticized.
In case you’re not Scotchy, you might not realize how hilarious this joke is; you see, no one knows how to pronounce Borowieciki, and Bobby Ryan is a fake name because he was in witness protection or something.
Only the second period and the Wings announcers are talking about next years draft.
Alex Bregman would appear to be a cocky little asshole.
You spelled Riley Reid wrong.
This is a fairly tight joke, considering.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwUk19cWarI
https://deadspin.com/mlb-umpire-rob-drake-is-prepared-to-shoot-people-in-def-1839307670
[sees body float to surface]
“Everything is coming up Milhouse!”
-N. Muntz
Crabby!
Red Wings power play brought to you by Urban Decay.
Urban Decay is like Old Navy but with 95% less government funding.
A leeked celebrity video.
“I don’t get it.”
-The Onion
When I was in the Navy I saw this happen to a guy once.
It’s the “let’s try not to tank too hard or else it will be obvious” bowl in Ottawa tonight.
Sens 1 for 25 on the power play?
Shouty out to Unsurprised for pointing me towards The Dollop. The Reagan thingy with Patton Oswalt is a goddamn gem.
My wife invited me to walk down to the Indian place to grab a samosa. I told her no, I was going to work out instead. But then I changed my mind so now I’m here instead. I guess I’ll work out later, but damn, it’s super hot today.
Hey, the walk IS the workout!
If it’s the same place as the one from the pub crawl, that’s a damn tasty samosa.
Yeah, those things are really good. I gotta do that more often.