Your “You’ll Watch ‘The Battle of Jersey’ and You’ll Like It!” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

God, it’s been so long since we chatted about my fantasy money leagues! Well, I’m doing good-1st in one at 7-2 (highest scorer and least points scored against) and in the other I’m also in first…at 5-4, tied with four other guys. Logjam! Sooo, Parker vs. the Colts or Brown vs. the Browns? Help me out here.

TO THE GAMES!

Lions/Bears:

If you play Golloday or Jones be advised that Windy City hasn’t given up a wideout score since week three. A fantasy yapper said this week he’d take Ingram over Montgomery and I was a bit surprised. The Lions have surrendered 120 to Jacobs, 143 combined to Saquon, 142 to Dalvin and 136 combined yards to Jamaal Williams over the last four weeks. I’m guessing he was valuing floor over ceiling? (Ingram has Cincy)

Ravens/Bengals:

LAMAR! is at 637 rushing and should significantly add to that today. That’ll put him ahead of Mike Vick’s record of 1,039 and he doesn’t have any dogs in his closet! This being a lost season and all, don’t you think Cincy should just put A.J. Green to bed and be done with it? What is there to be gained throwing him out there with rook qb Ryan Finley? Speaking of the latter, he’s the [counts on fingers] ‘umpteenth’ first year qb to start this year.

Bills/Browns:

Kareem Hunt has risen from the grave/half-year suspension and Chubb owners from coast to coast are blubbering about his reduced timeshare. Easy now fellas, Hunt hasn’t had any contact and has only worked out this last little while-he’ll be eased in and it might be at most 8 touches. It’s the Dontrell Hilliard guy that will suffer. Did the Giants sell high and get out while the getting was good? OBJ’s PFF numbers have dipped every single year since his first outing, down from 127.6 to his current 77.1. Today he gets Tra’Davious White who hasn’t allowed a TD in coverage all year.

Chiefs/Titans:

It would appear at first glance that today’s game flow might tell you to fade Derrick Henry but the Titans are a stubborn bunch and will always just plug away with the run game. And they also have him in the pass game as well. Sure it’s only 11 receptions but he averages 18+ every time he grabs it. Mahomes is good to go after practicing Wednesday.

Falcons/Saints:

Kamara is back but Murray did so well in his absence that you’d think that the timeshare would be altered in the latter’s favor. Julio’s always in play but his ceiling will be monitored by cb Lattimore. He’s the fella that got his shit back together in early October and caused the Saints D to vault up the rankings as a result. Qb Ryan is back, so can I get some scores for Hooper and Ridley please?

Giants/Jets: 

Ahhh, the pearl of this slate’s offerings! Which rancid D will buckle first? Or will they take turns? Will Unfrozen Caveman QB have more intercepts or will Danny TenCent have more fumbles? So. Many. Questions. Hey, if you’re thin at wr you may want to take a flyer on Darius Slayton again. With Engram gone and Shepherd still absent, Slayton will get 2-3 homerun balls thrown to him. A Giants O that tries to stretch the field-I never thought I’d see it again.

Cards/Bucs:

Should be a matter of minutes before these guys both abandon the run game and start flinging the holy hell out of the ball. David “The Gimp” Johnson has finally put the ballgag down and plays a different game today. So you Drake owners out there might want to sit your fella and see how this plays out. Hint: DJ will re-injure himself.

Have at it, one and all!

 

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS ME I CALL MYSELF A FLOMAX COMMERCIAL BECAUSE MAYBE MY GOING PROBLEM IS A GROWING PROBLEM

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This offensive outburst from Chi***go is confusing but welcome. Kinda like the polka version of Bear Down, Chicago Bears they keep playing here.

Mr. Ayo

ORLOV’SKY!!!

#ThePauls are endless amusement.

Charge of the Light Brigade

More like Baker SAFEield.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just got back from dim sum. It was very enjoyable, but it also seems like it would be unimaginably horrible to try to eat with a hangover.

ArmedandHammered

Only the most gifted can use chopsticks when they have the shakes.

Dunstan

The shakes? That’s what morning whiskey is for.

ArmedandHammered

Unless you did not plan appropriately and you are even out of cooking wine.

Mr. Ayo

Any port in a storm.

Wait, I need to go port shopping.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And now I feel guilty for predicting a Bears missed XP, though that’s kind of like predicting getting laid with s prostitute.

Dunstan

“You got that right!” — Fred Garvin

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My opponent’s fantasy kicker vastly outshining my own. What makes it even more humiliating is that he’s Gay.

/Matt Gay, that is.

Gratliff

Jones is like 2 fumbles away from getting cut mid-game

Mr. Ayo

I think Jameis is his idol.

herodotus450

Some day I’m going to run for congress from the DFO party, and all I’ll do is propose adding another federal holiday, called Veterans Day 2/3/4/5/etc. You can’t oppose it, or else you hate the troops. Can’t lose!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s the “Commentist” party.

Mistborn Impossible

Taysom Hill has a promising post-retirement career of letting play-by-play announcers pay him to suck his dick

King Hippo

Danny Drops

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Acid, if his character is anything like real life.

Mr. Ayo
ArmedandHammered

The only lucky bounce the Bengals will get all year.

King Hippo

Go to hell Bruce Arians and OJ Howard! You go to hell and yeeewwwwww die!

King Hippo

Anatomy of a 2-7 squadron – the 3 QBs I bought at auction – Cam Newton, Bollo del Verdad, y Mister Elite.

My current 3 off the waiver wire – Ryan Finley, Danny Dimes, y Brokeback

Dunstan

“I’m just happy you’re calling someone else Brokeback QB” — Aaron Rodgers

Charge of the Light Brigade

Buffalo: What the fuck is a running back?

King Hippo

Bollo found un poco Verdad!

King Hippo

Finley now at least has a TD throw to each team.

King Hippo

one who felches?

Gratliff

Who’s our KC person? Moose?

Senor Weaselo

BRING BACK OTTO! No seriously, where did that man go?

Mr. Ayo

Good idea. I need somewhere to rest my feet.

King Hippo

Revanchist, now

King Hippo

PeyPey SINGS!

Ty-reek-Hill-is-fuck-ing-DED

King Hippo

FAT KICKER got all his fat into that’un

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Insurmountable lead in Chicago

Viva La Tabula Raza

SHANKLOR!

Charge of the Light Brigade

This end zone, I like to call it a urinal because it’s not meant for the Browns.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

It’s like watching Truth Biscuit try to play.

Or #ThePauls in the red zone today.

King Hippo

yep, I be using waiver priority on Slayton.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

scotchy noes his FITBAW, y’all

King Hippo

ummmm, let’s not LOOKIT RYAN FINLEY NO MOAR

King Hippo

started at NC State through RS senior year, though (in a pro-style offense), I thought he’d be at least solid

Gratliff

Browns should be relegated to Baltimore’s practice squad

King Hippo

we get #ThePauls and Bungles on TNF this year? PLEAZ SAY YES

Senor Weaselo

Flex it to Sunday night!

King Hippo

THIS GUY gets it!!

Gratliff

or Bengals. Fuck it. Same team.

King Hippo

LOOKIT RYAN FINLEY WOO

herodotus450

There’s too many “Shaqs” in the league now, and I just assume all of them have one hand and am impressed by their play.

King Hippo

explains why he was such a bad FT shooter too

Mistborn Impossible

Shaquille Griffin has two hands, you’re thinking of Shaquem

Charge of the Light Brigade

Sundays are the only time I see network TV ads and the fact that Young Sheldon is still on the air… Completely explains our current political situation.

Senor Weaselo

Afternoon lizard people. Has the shitshow in the swamp been a shitshow?

herodotus450

Cinci-Baltmore is like the opposite of OSU-Md yesterday.

Dunstan

There’s some powerful irony in those NFL Shop commercials showing people wearing Browns, Bears, or Chiefs gear posing to “The Champ Is Here.”

Charge of the Light Brigade

I didn’t know they made a dumpster big enough that the fire could be seen from space, but ladies and gentlemen I give you the Browns vs Bills.

Fronkenshteen

“Get me Barney Bathrooms!”

Jimmy H.
Cleve, THE Ohio

yeah right

Oh, and If any of you kids feel like playing the home edition of Sunday Gravy, I’m making this exact menu today.
comment image

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2016/04/24/sunday-gravy-with-yeah-right-history-and-meat/

Gratliff

Need to expand my latino food proficiency. Thinking about either this or ropa vieja next.

ArmedandHammered

Hmm, reminds me we have some flank steak in the freezer. We love ropa vieja and make it multiple times each winter.

King Hippo

I can’t abide Mexican food (migraine trigger), but Raleigh has a most excellent Argentinian/Cuban place

ArmedandHammered

Which one?

King Hippo

Oakwood Cafe, downtown

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m at a Bears bar and that first down was met with derisive cheers

Spur

Chubb stuffed and not in a good way