God, it’s been so long since we chatted about my fantasy money leagues! Well, I’m doing good-1st in one at 7-2 (highest scorer and least points scored against) and in the other I’m also in first…at 5-4, tied with four other guys. Logjam! Sooo, Parker vs. the Colts or Brown vs. the Browns? Help me out here.
TO THE GAMES!
Lions/Bears:
If you play Golloday or Jones be advised that Windy City hasn’t given up a wideout score since week three. A fantasy yapper said this week he’d take Ingram over Montgomery and I was a bit surprised. The Lions have surrendered 120 to Jacobs, 143 combined to Saquon, 142 to Dalvin and 136 combined yards to Jamaal Williams over the last four weeks. I’m guessing he was valuing floor over ceiling? (Ingram has Cincy)
Ravens/Bengals:
LAMAR! is at 637 rushing and should significantly add to that today. That’ll put him ahead of Mike Vick’s record of 1,039 and he doesn’t have any dogs in his closet! This being a lost season and all, don’t you think Cincy should just put A.J. Green to bed and be done with it? What is there to be gained throwing him out there with rook qb Ryan Finley? Speaking of the latter, he’s the [counts on fingers] ‘umpteenth’ first year qb to start this year.
Bills/Browns:
Kareem Hunt has risen from the grave/half-year suspension and Chubb owners from coast to coast are blubbering about his reduced timeshare. Easy now fellas, Hunt hasn’t had any contact and has only worked out this last little while-he’ll be eased in and it might be at most 8 touches. It’s the Dontrell Hilliard guy that will suffer. Did the Giants sell high and get out while the getting was good? OBJ’s PFF numbers have dipped every single year since his first outing, down from 127.6 to his current 77.1. Today he gets Tra’Davious White who hasn’t allowed a TD in coverage all year.
Chiefs/Titans:
It would appear at first glance that today’s game flow might tell you to fade Derrick Henry but the Titans are a stubborn bunch and will always just plug away with the run game. And they also have him in the pass game as well. Sure it’s only 11 receptions but he averages 18+ every time he grabs it. Mahomes is good to go after practicing Wednesday.
Falcons/Saints:
Kamara is back but Murray did so well in his absence that you’d think that the timeshare would be altered in the latter’s favor. Julio’s always in play but his ceiling will be monitored by cb Lattimore. He’s the fella that got his shit back together in early October and caused the Saints D to vault up the rankings as a result. Qb Ryan is back, so can I get some scores for Hooper and Ridley please?
Giants/Jets:
Ahhh, the pearl of this slate’s offerings! Which rancid D will buckle first? Or will they take turns? Will Unfrozen Caveman QB have more intercepts or will Danny TenCent have more fumbles? So. Many. Questions. Hey, if you’re thin at wr you may want to take a flyer on Darius Slayton again. With Engram gone and Shepherd still absent, Slayton will get 2-3 homerun balls thrown to him. A Giants O that tries to stretch the field-I never thought I’d see it again.
Cards/Bucs:
Should be a matter of minutes before these guys both abandon the run game and start flinging the holy hell out of the ball. David “The Gimp” Johnson has finally put the ballgag down and plays a different game today. So you Drake owners out there might want to sit your fella and see how this plays out. Hint: DJ will re-injure himself.
Have at it, one and all!
THIS ME I CALL MYSELF A FLOMAX COMMERCIAL BECAUSE MAYBE MY GOING PROBLEM IS A GROWING PROBLEM
TATERDOWN!!!
This offensive outburst from Chi***go is confusing but welcome. Kinda like the polka version of Bear Down, Chicago Bears they keep playing here.
ORLOV’SKY!!!
#ThePauls are endless amusement.
More like Baker SAFEield.
I just got back from dim sum. It was very enjoyable, but it also seems like it would be unimaginably horrible to try to eat with a hangover.
Only the most gifted can use chopsticks when they have the shakes.
The shakes? That’s what morning whiskey is for.
Unless you did not plan appropriately and you are even out of cooking wine.
Any port in a storm.
Wait, I need to go port shopping.
TATEDOWN!!!
And now I feel guilty for predicting a Bears missed XP, though that’s kind of like predicting getting laid with s prostitute.
“You got that right!” — Fred Garvin
My opponent’s fantasy kicker vastly outshining my own. What makes it even more humiliating is that he’s Gay.
/Matt Gay, that is.
Jones is like 2 fumbles away from getting cut mid-game
I think Jameis is his idol.
Some day I’m going to run for congress from the DFO party, and all I’ll do is propose adding another federal holiday, called Veterans Day 2/3/4/5/etc. You can’t oppose it, or else you hate the troops. Can’t lose!
It’s the “Commentist” party.
Taysom Hill has a promising post-retirement career of letting play-by-play announcers pay him to suck his dick
Danny Drops
He’s the dumbest smart qb I’ve ever seen.
Acid, if his character is anything like real life.
Jerrah is really going to fuck this up. Yeeehaw!!!
http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000001074731/article/dak-prescott-headed-to-tag-after-no-progress-on-new-deal
The only lucky bounce the Bengals will get all year.
Go to hell Bruce Arians and OJ Howard! You go to hell and yeeewwwwww die!
Anatomy of a 2-7 squadron – the 3 QBs I bought at auction – Cam Newton, Bollo del Verdad, y Mister Elite.
My current 3 off the waiver wire – Ryan Finley, Danny Dimes, y Brokeback
“I’d never quit on Josh Allen.”
-Ang Lee
“I’m just happy you’re calling someone else Brokeback QB” — Aaron Rodgers
Buffalo: What the fuck is a running back?
Bollo found un poco Verdad!
Announcer for Jets/Giants makes an un-ironic reference to a ‘road’ game for the Giants. I think the Lobotomizer 3000 needs a bit of tweaking.
Finley now at least has a TD throw to each team.
What the Fuck is a ‘Firkser’? And why is he taking a 6 spot away from far more deserving individuals?
one who felches?
Who’s our KC person? Moose?
BRING BACK OTTO! No seriously, where did that man go?
Good idea. I need somewhere to rest my feet.
Revanchist, now
PeyPey SINGS!
Ty-reek-Hill-is-fuck-ing-DED
FAT KICKER got all his fat into that’un
Insurmountable lead in Chicago
SHANKLOR!
This end zone, I like to call it a urinal because it’s not meant for the Browns.
It’s like watching Truth Biscuit try to play.
Or #ThePauls in the red zone today.
yep, I be using waiver priority on Slayton.
DARIUSSLAYTONDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
scotchy noes his FITBAW, y’all
Word was that he was raw as hell but had great speed-obvious now that he’s worked really hard on his game.
When Danny Jones fixes his fumble issues… He’s remarkably accurate on his throws under pressure.
ummmm, let’s not LOOKIT RYAN FINLEY NO MOAR
It’s like he’s a rook qb!
started at NC State through RS senior year, though (in a pro-style offense), I thought he’d be at least solid
Browns should be relegated to Baltimore’s practice squad
we get #ThePauls and Bungles on TNF this year? PLEAZ SAY YES
Flex it to Sunday night!
THIS GUY gets it!!
or Bengals. Fuck it. Same team.
LOOKIT RYAN FINLEY WOO
There’s too many “Shaqs” in the league now, and I just assume all of them have one hand and am impressed by their play.
explains why he was such a bad FT shooter too
Shaquille Griffin has two hands, you’re thinking of Shaquem
Sundays are the only time I see network TV ads and the fact that Young Sheldon is still on the air… Completely explains our current political situation.
I CALL DEVIN SINGLETARY ‘METAMUSIL’ BECAUSE HE’S REALLY GOOD AT MOVING PILES.
Afternoon lizard people. Has the shitshow in the swamp been a shitshow?
Cinci-Baltmore is like the opposite of OSU-Md yesterday.
Driskell is 8/11. Things get better once you leave Cincy.
There’s some powerful irony in those NFL Shop commercials showing people wearing Browns, Bears, or Chiefs gear posing to “The Champ Is Here.”
DARIUSSLAYTONDOWN!!!!!
That kid has a future.
I didn’t know they made a dumpster big enough that the fire could be seen from space, but ladies and gentlemen I give you the Browns vs Bills.
“Get me Barney Bathrooms!”
Jimmy H.
Cleve, THE Ohio
Oh, and If any of you kids feel like playing the home edition of Sunday Gravy, I’m making this exact menu today.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2016/04/24/sunday-gravy-with-yeah-right-history-and-meat/
Need to expand my latino food proficiency. Thinking about either this or ropa vieja next.
Hmm, reminds me we have some flank steak in the freezer. We love ropa vieja and make it multiple times each winter.
I can’t abide Mexican food (migraine trigger), but Raleigh has a most excellent Argentinian/Cuban place
Which one?
Oakwood Cafe, downtown
“Somehow Cleveland comes away empty!”*
*yeah, ‘somehow’
I’m at a Bears bar and that first down was met with derisive cheers
If “Baloo” is there, tell him I’ll be “in touch” next Friday.
Chubb stuffed and not in a good way
Jamison ‘Show-Daar” just scored for the Jetskis.