Well shit.  Here I was, all proud of myself for getting The Deacon all snugged up in his pajamas and into his Baby Jail for the night without waking him up. It was the end of the third quarter and I hadn’t been able to pay attention other than to see that the Steelers were stepping on their own dicks.  So I decided to down the last of my Monkey Shoulder and go to bed.

After the 2:30 change-and-feed, I fired up my phone and found out that I was not the only one elbow-deep in shit.

ACCUSED: MYLES GARRETT, MASON RUDOLPH, MAURKICE POUNCEY, LARRY OGUNJOBI

CHARGES: Heinous Fuckery (2nd Degree)

OK kids, let’s start with a deep breath.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Cool. Groovy. Now: this was all bullshit. There are no good people involved in this situation, so if you hear anyone suggesting that anyone’s actions were justified, you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with that person. Or turn off The Twitter.

For those who missed it, last night game was 1. not really in doubt as a Browns victory after they went up 14-0 and Mason Rudolph got intercepted on a flea-flicker in the second quarter, and 2. already dirty AF. Browns safety Damarious Randall was ejected for a vicious late helmet-to-helmet hit on Diontae Johnson which left Johnson bleeding from his goddamned ear.

This came after Stillers star wideout JuJu Smith Schuster was concussed and knocked out of the game by a double-helmet-to-helmet-sandwich tackle.

Steelers WR JuJu Smith-Schuster sustained a concussion on this hit #PITvsCLE pic.twitter.com/GGXfmn3w1c

— Kevin Boilard (@KevinBoilard) November 15, 2019

That being said, the division rivals truly outdid themselves on what should have been the second-to-last play of the game.  After hitting his running back with a dump-off…well, watch for yourselves (nevermind the Stillers provenance- it was just the first decent one I could embed).

Here is the FULL incident with Myles Garrett and Mason Rudolph and Maurkice Pouncey at the end #Steelers https://t.co/RwZNmuPtT2

— Steelers Depot 7⃣ (@Steelersdepot) November 15, 2019

So: Garrett wraps up Rudolph and takes him to the ground. Debatable whether this was a genuine piledrive-the-QB-after-the-ball-is-gone or a good-faith didn’t-know-the-ball-was-gone tackle. Garrett and Rudolph have an extended conversation while they’re in the Missionary Position, the contents of which have not been disclosed.  Garrett starts to get up. Rudolph grabs the back lip of Garrett’s helmet– a gesture widely interpreted as him unsuccessfully trying to remove said helmet.  Garrett then helpfully demonstrates to Rudolph the proper technique for removing an opponent’s helmet by grasping the front, tugging him around like a dog with a rope toy and ripping it free.

At this point, guard David DeCastro is blocking Garrett backward toward the Steeler endzone.  Rudolph jumps up and runs toward Garrett under cover of DeCastro’s bulk.  Garrett winds up and brings Rudolph’s helmet down on his head with great force, thusly:

Steelers QB Mason Rudolph on Myles Garrett: “I thought it was pretty cowardly, pretty bush league.”
Rudolph says his head is fine. pic.twitter.com/Ir4clVw7vw

— Rachel Nichols (@Rachel__Nichols) November 15, 2019

DeCastro collapses on top of Garrett and pins him.  Maurkice Pouncey, in fine University of Florida tradition, begins punching and kicking the restrained Garrett.  In the meantime, Cleveland’s Larry Ogunjobi comes racing up behind Rudolph and shoves him back to the ground.

Chaos ensues. Ejections. Hand wringing. Twitter shits a chicken and melts the fuck down, having been preheated by two full days of Colin Kaepernick Taeks.

As with all partisan activities in ‘Murica, the reactions were swift, divided and quickly devolved into the stupid.

Most people (reasonably) focused on Garrett’s attempting to open up Rudolph’s head and manually inspect for CTE. Comments swiftly turned from the initial “Did you see this shit!?!?” to “How many games will they suspend him?” to “Should they suspend him for life or just shoot him on the 50 yard line?”

Then there was a wave of…well, not Garrett defenders as such, but certainly a counterpush:

Myles Garrett is going to get suspended and rightfully so, but Mason Rudolph jumping up, getting in Garrett’s face and then throwing his hands up like he’s innocent is hilarious. pic.twitter.com/14EOVUFkRb

— James Rapien (@JamesRapien) November 15, 2019

This led to allegations of victim-blaming. Pretty much everyone (including Baker Mayfield and the Haslems) condemned Garrett’s conduct, although with a number of “it’s so unlike him” caveats.

Then there were a number of references to Mason Rudolph apparently being a MAGA-loving Tomi Lahren stan, with the unspoken speculation of “Gee, I wonder what such a young man might have said to a young black man with no known history of uncontrolled violent outbursts before the latter tried to brain him with headwear?” Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence along this line:

Definition of a classless a-hole: @MylesLGarrett

— Tomi Lahren (@TomiLahren) November 15, 2019

Finally, there were the usual blatantly tribalist nonsense takes from fans and detractors of the Stillers (because no one really cares enough about the Browns to go to the mattresses for or against them).

For what little it’s worth, Garrett has apparently decided to cop to responsibility, releasing the following statement:

Statement from Myles Garrett: pic.twitter.com/txVA970CmW

— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) November 15, 2019

I, for one, look forward to further Twitter wrangling over whether terming it a “mistake” adequately accepts responsibility.

At the end of the day after, it appears that everyone will take bites of varying sizes from the Shit Sandwich. Garrett has been suspended indefinitely (at the very least the remainder of this season), Pouncey got 3 games, Ogunjobi got 1 game and Rudolph will receive an undisclosed fine.  Each organization was fined $250k on top of it.

The Bleergh! Report’s breakdown of this shit is gonna be epic.

I look forward to the discussion in the comments over whether these punishments are correct, both independently and relative to each other. However, make no mistake: no one here did the right thing, except maybe me for turning the game off early.

BONUS COVERAGE!!!

The Honorable Andrew Adams, the Honorable Bradley B. Jacobs and the Honorable Sabrina R. Bell

CHARGE: Judicial Misconduct.

These three fine Indiana jurists were suspended by the Indiana Supreme Court for their involvement in a drunken fight in a White Castle parking lot that left two of them shot and seriously wounded. Apparently the three– along with another judge– went drinking the night before a judicial conference (SHOCKING!) and tried to go to an Indianapolis strip club at 3 a.m., only to find it closed.

Side note: I’m not a strip joint connoisseur, but it seems a damning indictment of Indianapolis that even their strip clubs close before normal bars in a real city.

Having been denied entertainment of a carnal variety, the judges walked to a nearby White Castle. One goes inside, one flips off two passing motorists who had shouted something at them. The motorists pull in for what can only be termed The Sidebar From Hell and two judges end up shot.

The suspension decision is pretty damning across the board.  Nothing is more damning, however, than their decision (even under the influence) to go to White Castle.

As part of the terms of reinstatement, the judges will be required to replace the traditional bailiff’s call of “Oyez, oyez!” with “CHUH CHUH!”