Your humble scribe had many pill-induced hallucinations, this 22 December, the Year of Our Lord 2019.  I will shake my brain around and describe same below.

[Closed Captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Suzy, Rev. Mayhem presiding]

Of course, in this Bananacakes of All Years, Bungles at LOLfins [both self-explanatory] would be your game of the season.  How could it not be?  Both BloodSugarFitzMagic [Ryan Fitzpatrick] and Red Rocket [soulless ginger Andy Dalton, auditioning for the role of Joe Burrow’s seatwarmer] put up video game numbers.  Still, Miami led 35-12 halfway through Q4.  A garbage time-ish WKRP score [isn’t all Cincinnati time “garbage time”?] barely seemed worth a mention.  Then..Cincy managed to score 16 goddamned points in the last 30 seconds of regulation.  Without the benefit of a timeout.  Dunno how nigh-impossible that was.  10,000 to 1?  MOAR??  [I was told there would be no math] And you say, “but Cincy clinches the Burrow Sweepstakes with a loss.”  Ah, but you are thinking in 2-D.  They also clinch said 1st overall pick with Most Glorious Draw!  And they fought tooth and nail for same, but finally Miami converted a late 3rd and long, setting up a FG on the last play of OT.  Cincy almost blocked it, but alas.  38-35.

That leaves Miami amazingly at 4-11 overall, and would you really be surprised if they fucked up the P*ts’ bye week? [Yes. Because we are in the Darkest Timeline] They’ll have a fighting chance.  And Brian Flores is Hippo’s Coach of the Year, having brought us all so much glorious entropy this season. [Some men just wan to watch the world burn…]

Also, thunder fuck RedZone for showing us so little of the overtime play.  Boooooo, ah say. [YOU’VE BEEN…THUNDERFUCKED]

Fucking Case Keenum also brought us to the “Shitty Team Overtime” promised land, with two 4th quarter scores.  With under 30 seconds to play, Bill Callahan wisely opted for the chance at Most Glorious Draw, and a potential three way tie with the Gigantes and Cuck Liouns at 3-11-1.  Fuck, that would be amazing. [Worst potential threeway since Bea Arthur passed away] But Noo Yawk took the opening kick of OT and scored a Danny Dimes winning TD.  41-35, and we don’t even get score symmetry.  Dwayne Haskins is medium ded, another FedEx turf victim.  Though they are saying “ankle” not “knee.”  We’ll see about that.  NEVAR count out the Redacteds medical staff. [HI DOCTOR NICK!]

Wait a minute, is it possible that both Joisey-based franchises could win in the same week?  [Fuck those guys] Damn Skippy, as the Jest out-slugged Darkwing Duck’s Yinzers, 16-10.  [Devlin “Duck” Hodges, benched for Mason Rudolph] Actually, the only PIT touched down came courtesy of MAGAt Rudolph, but he died again.  Duck quacked them to the limp noodle finish.  Gangrene actually has quite a nice little defense, and managed a 5-3 home record.  Too bad about the Gase stench all over the offense. [No. Not too bad. Not only do they Not Deserve Nice Things, they’re going to get some fuckwit GM to hire Greggggggg Williams]

Thus, Tennessee controlled its own 6 seed destiny again.  But Tractorcito-less Tanny Fanny [Ryan Tannehill, playing without uberback Derrick Henry] couldn’t quite get them over the line.  N’Awlins 38-28 victory was secured by a knockout blow forced fumble with the Tits trying to drive for the tying (or winning) score.  Hey, at least the kid won’t remember dropping it.

But hold the phone, I hear tell that the PIT/TN double LOSS somehow flipped the tiebreaker around, and now the Tits would get in with a Week 17 win in Houston?  GOD, how I love entropy.  Who knows if this is actually true or not (RedZone guy allegedly does lots of beak), or if it flips AGAIN with Week 17 losses to both practice squadrons.

Yes, that does mean Balmer [Baltimore] overcame a sluggish start to clinch homefield advantage throughout the playoffs.  #ThePauls [Cleveland Browns] couldn’t help Pauling the shit out of things.  With about a minute left in the first half, 3rd and 10 deep in their own territory, Kitchens decided to throw for it.  [Based on the physique Kitchens and I share, he hasn’t run for it in an awful long time] Had he run the ball, the Ratbirds were out of timeouts and we go to half 7-6.  Instead, Lamar! had sufficient time to produce a second TD inside of the 2-minute warning, and it was never really in doubt again.  Of course, Darkest Timeline meant that all three of BAL’s best offensive players came up gimpy on the SAME Q4 SERIES.  Everybody gets two weeks off before welcoming someone (likely the HOU/BUF winner) in January.  We’ll see how it goes.  31-15 is your final.

Fat Humps [Indianapolis Colts] beat the tar shit out of the Black Panthers, 38-6.  NC State alumnus Nyheim Hines returned two kicks for scores.  I enjoyed that.  [Special teams play is a lost art] Christian McCaffery caught 15 dumpoff passes, so he probably likes the idea of Will Grier under center. [Not if it gets him killed before he gets a contract extension]  Tepper [Panthers owner Lou] seems like a guy who’ll gamble on Tua, though.

Atlanta doubled up the Jaguras, 24-12.  Nobody but Unded Dan Quinn gives a shit. [I dunno, watching the Jags suffer has an inherent entertainment value.]

We won’t go SNF-less this Week 17, as Saturday’s Tomsulas [49ers] win guaranteed that their Week 17 date in Seattle would be for the NFC West title.  BUT, should the Qardinals beat the SeaTruthers THIS week?  Santa Clara [still the Niners] could also clinch with Most Glorious Draw, which I am 100% in favour of.  Arizona took a 21-7 Q2 lead, courtesy of TWO very impressive Fitty [Hall of Famer and insane masochist Larry Fitzgerald] scoring catches.  Except the 2nd got (somewhat controversially) overturned by replay, and one figured 17-7 would not suffice.  Nor 20-7 as Q3 limped to a close.  BUT OH NOES, Kyler Murray did in his hammy [hamstring, nothing to do with Dak] and no matter how shitty the Truthers might be playing…surely that would be it?  OH MOAR NOES, blocked FG returned back inside the red zone. But SEA only manages a FG.  [Fuck you, Pete Carroll] You’ve now seen the two best sides in the NFC lose home games to ATL and AZ in back-to-back weeks.  Insane.  This one finished 27-13, Q-men.

Naturally, the NFC Least showdown in Philly was mostly a defensive affair. [Why? What have you heard?!]  Because REASONS, ok?  Both the Iggles and Non-Gendered Cowpersons suck ass [Truth] but League rules require one to host a playoff game, against one of the 2 best sides in the NFC.  [“Best” unless they’re playing some complete scrub team…like DAL or PHI…] Nobody says life is fair, and for good reason.  Princeton Red [Jason Garrett] is a horrible, no-good, eunuch of a head coach, and should have MOAR time for his beloved Supper Club in about 8 days.  17-9, just SO MUCH SHITTINESS. [Profound Truth]

Still mathematically alive (and in need of LOTS of Week 17 Bananacakes)?  Emo [Eyeliner Model Derek] Carr and That’s Rikki’s Raiders.  I mean, I wouldn’t BET on it (shaddup, YOU have a problem), but their California farewell tour includes a Week 16 win over Clippers du Merde.  Good Lord, King Laserface looks old. [Phillip Rivers IS old. I mean he’s [checks Wikipedia] 10 months younger than me]  All that parenting and impregnating must have worn him plum out.  At least 90% of the soccer stadium fans went home happy.  [Chargers used a silent count in their “home” stadium] 24-17, fin (thanks to garbage time FG).  Don’t expect to get out of Mile High with a win, though.  Perhaps a contact high, but that’s ALL.

I enjoyed another week of Donks WOO!!! competence.  [Woo!] Sure, it was against fucking Detroit, but I like the seeds Don Fangio is planting. [He’s making them an offer they can’t refuse] Draft several offensive and defensive linemen, and let’s see what happens in 2020-21.  Kerryon [My Wayward Son] Johnson came off IR, played, and looked good.  Denver ain’t great against the run.  But they DID convert a nifty FB lead option play on 4th and 1!  And Colorado native Philip Lindsay put the nail in the DET coffin.  27-17, horsey side.

Finally, the Andy Reid coaching tree Derby [Reid versus former assistant Matt “Ahab” Nagy], along with (I would imagine) the Head Chef gaining about 15 pounds during his foray into Chi****.  That town may be liquid shit for el beisbol, but they can bring it with the food. [Deep Dish Truth]

[The game was…not pretty to watch. The Chefs maintained life in the playoff-bye race. Patrick Mahomes– remember him, the last Hot New Thing that everyone forgot about when Lamar! started playing Real Life Madden?– broke a couple of Fastest To records. The Biscuit of Truth had a putrid game- 18 for 34, 157 yards, 20 rushing yards. How this team is 7-8 is utterly mind-boggling. Like, I had to make sure I hadn’t gotten an electronic contact high from Hippo’s MegaStash. A damning indictment of the NFC North, and our Western society in general.]

See everyone for Week 17, along with JV Raging Semis next weekend.  No doubt, a thing or two shall happen, despite all the Week 16 clinchiness.