Joyous of joys, we have playoff picture clarity, and got to see each and every team DERP to the finish line (with various degrees of comedia).
The early window contained lots and lots of mailing it in. We will breeze through most of this “action” fairly quickly. BUT NOT ALL!!!
Sean McDermott wisely didn’t trust Brokeback QB to play things safe, and pulled him after one drive. Sadly, his backup is no longer wilderness fashion icon J Peterman. Oh, those were some hilarious days. As was, nobody fucking cared one bit, and Noo Yawk gets the 13-6 road win.
Kenny Rogers once reminded humanity “you got to know when to fold ’em” – well before our misadventures in Iraq! Our Black Panthers decided that time was “December” – as they laid down completely at home to the Saints. Let’s just say it was a very relaxing FITBAW weekend in Louisiana. 42-10, “everybody but grinding McCaffery into dust for no reason” mercy rules in full effect.
Chi**** at the Vikings, nothing to play for. But we can has SAFETY!! That’s nifty. 11-6 Bearistocrats! at the half?? blows chef kiss 21-19 Bearistocrats fin?? Trust Hippo – that was 21 the VERY hard way.
It intermittently looked like Fuck You Dolphin! would do humanity (and the Chefs) a yuuuuuuuggggge favour, taking a 10-nil lead in Foxboro. And 17-10 in Q3. Then 20-17 in Q4. AAAAAANNNNNNDDDDD….go ahead TD with 24 seconds to play???!!!!! Things ended NOT predictably, but with a hopeless P*ts gadget play (technically, with an uncalled Brady illegal, 2nd forward pass – but whatevs, that just meant a few extra hits he took). MASSIVE SIGH OF HAPPY. Fish 27, (Sideline) Sex Tape Has-Beens 24.
Brian Flores and his entire staff deserve the biggest ball of credit humanly possible. That was just an immense coaching job, getting that jalopy to 5-11. And beating the P*ts in New England for THE FIRST TIME EVAR WITH BELICHEAT AND DREAMBOAT PARTICIPATING. When they absolutely had to have a win to credibly be Superb Owl contenders. A long, hard road now awaits. I am most definitively not counting them out, but it would take the best coaching jerb of Belicheat’s career. Brady is just TOO DONE.
Falcons’ GM and head coach somehow saved their jerbs, even before the meaningless trip to MRSA-land. On said journey, JPP turned the match around with his nubbins. Inspirational to all moe-rons who blow off they goddamned fingers playing with fireworks. As a fully functional adult. But Younghoe >>> Gay kicker, and that limped things into OT. How would things end? On a Rapey Jameis “stare my guy down like a high school sophomore” Pick Six walk-off. 28-22, ATL. An NFL-record SEVENTH Pick Six for that fuckhead this season.
Bay of Green already looked like the shakiest non-NFC Least division champion. Then they went to Detroit and shat just EVERYWHERE. Amusing. There was indeed sommet of a 2nd half comeback, and yeah the Liouns eventually cucked. 23-20, but there was nothing impressive in this display. But it was surely bye earning, and that is hugely terribad for N’Awlins.
Clippers du Merde predictably showed up to make sure Kansas City had no shot to get a LOLfin-induced bye week. NEVAR bet their games, they is a complete mystery box. Still lost, though – Honey Badger (and Mecole Hardman) ain’t care about King Laserface’s fee-fees. Kansas City took the ball down the field for a kill-shot TD, and white-knuckled a 31-21 victory. The AFC West will miss those delightful tantrums, though. #2 seed, you are in Andy Reid’s husky grasp.
Good old Beatie Mixon wanted to make sure his pals at least got Joint Custody of Ohio. #ThePauls just wanted 2019 to end. 2 MOAR days, fellas. All good, 33-23 Striped Pylons. Red Rocket (presumably) leaves town on a high note. Redshirt should put in any computer dating profiles – Commitment?? I watched Cincy/Cleveland in WEEK 17!!
Into the late afternoon we roll. Buttchinski and the 500s were playing solely to troll DonT’s beloved. Resting key starters, including QB. They got off to a good start, but Erotic Smashmouth punched back. There would have been Karmic reasons to enjoy an Oakland visit to Foxboro, but the Tits always had the best chance of actually beating those bastards. I still ain’t convinced Tanny Fanny is actually good, but he sure is shit hot – and maybe the right man at the right moment for Tennessee. 35-14, Tits get the 6th and final AFC ducat. ¡Viva El Tractorcito!
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! and the Qardinals managed to close out the Coliseum without sacrificing any Christians, at least none that DFO can verify at press time. I mean, Kurt Warner would have represented a 3-fer! This game was an affront to God and Man, but L.A. won, 31-24, after that sweet Brett Hundley garbage time.
Jaguras/Humps had potential ramifications for the Raiders’ quadruple bankshot, and definitive ramifications who over/under bet Indy at 7.5 wins. There were some fun things in this’un, long FGs, and Duuuuuvvvvvaaaal placement kicker Josh Lambo doing a “slip ‘n’ slide” on the wet turf. I saw like 2 plays of the second half here. Who gives a fuck, I don’t bet season O/Us. Jags win 38-20.
Ratbirds and Yinzers met in the merry bogs of Merry-Land. Sloppy game was sloppy. Ducks was hunted. One last time (presumably). No Miss Congeniality Prize, 8-8 they finish. Balmer B 28, Yinzburgh A- 10.
Wave to two HippoSpawn, at the New Mile High to see Donks WOO!!!! try to defeat the hated Raiders, for the last time as Oakland representatives (at least until the next Davis family tantrum). Per Rikki (who was paying better attention), That’s His Raiders! managed 3 points in the first half, despite NEVAR punting. Anyway, Horse Cock Lock and friends held on, 16-15. On a 2-point stop with 7 seconds to play, all because of one cro magnon asshole faking it as a professional left tackle. OAK needed like 4 results in the late window to make the playoffs. They got zero. But at least Chucky didn’t force me to stroke out/pull a Kubes during OT. And yes, the officiating went decidedly in Denver’s way.
EDITORIAL NOTE – GARRET BOLLES MUST BE CUT AS SOON AS CAP RULES MAKE SENSIBLE, OR PERHAPS FIRED INTO THE SUN. THIS WAS LIKE HIS EIGHTH MAJOR TRANSGRESSION, AND IF MIKE MUNCHAK CAN’T FIX HIM, HE AIN’T FIXABLE.
That leaves the NFC Least shitshow. Halftime leads of 7 para los Iggles, 10 for the Non-Gendered Bovine Persons. Shout out for Game Time Decision, helping DFO to #IntensifyTehWoke. Our highest goal, as ya noe. I pined for someone to pull of the Draw, but I was equitably sated for the afternoon. Give it up to the Dacteds and Gigantes, they suck out loud – but they tried. DAL pulled away to make it a laugher late, but no matter (Iggles ended up 34-17, too). Philly will host the disheartened SeaTruthers in the Wild Card, Bitches! round. Everyone in the Iggles 2-deep, outside of Dakota Jeebus, is basically a walk-on at this point. Slightest of exaggerations only. But that Tinier Darren is a revelation. They will have much better of a chance for one (and ONLY one) win than likely to be given credit for.
A’ight, SNF is a biggie to end all biggies, Janeane leading her Fightin’ Tomsulas into the lair of the Twaaaalllllves (including our own Beer-type Guy, eh?). Remember that Santa Clara surrendered a sure tie to go for the home win in Week 10 OT, and ended up losing. Hindsight being 20/20, they’d like that decision back. But a run-based offense is down to a special teamer and two old dudes off the street (even if one is Beast Mode). That seemed to ask too much of a beat-up defense and slightly off-kilter Russell Wilson. The first quarter backed up that impression, Tomsulas racing out to a 10-zip lead, through liberal doses of Mostert, Kittle, and the toss sweep to Deebo! Santa Clara bogged down in the red zone on a long Q2 drive, but their FG outweighed Seattle’s nothin’ – when Lynch got stuffed on 4th and inches near the SF 30. That Beast Mode narrative didn’t look promising. (Second half will be mostly-live blogged.)
But halftime adjustments really made a difference. Tomsulas failed to do anything with the opening kick, then got knocked off balance (then played too soft) defensively. Wilson improvised, stayed JUST behind the LOS, and boom, 13-7. Baby Shanny’s move, and he dials up the FB fly route. Yeah, that will surprise folks. Worked to perfection. Mostert walked it in 4 plays later, 19-7 (the two fails). Tomsulas kept scoring JUST enough, but not making stops on 3rd down. Which kept the pressure vise-like, to me. Plus, time of possession flipped, HARD. You had the feeling Wilson would keep making plays, and Ms. Garafalo would make that one critical mistake. Numerous quick throws lead us to 19-14, just under 10 to play. But the machine rolled on, 4 minutes off the clock, 26-14. Carroll would have to adjust tempo and/or get a 3-and-out (or even convert an inside kick). Because Garafalo and company wouldn’t stop scoring the necessary 6/7. Had they just been held to a FG, the halftime adjustments would have done the trick. They were quite effective.
So…up went the tempo, and a 3rd down stop gets negated by penalty. 3:36? 26-21. Gotta run the clock out, Tomsulas. You give it back, you’ll lose. Especially after botching the short kickoff. Samuel makes the wrong cut on 2nd and 7, and the center screws up with a personal foul. They gonna lose. 4th and 1, you MUST go for it. MUST. Baby Shanny punts, Baby Shanny loses. That will end the Superb Owl dreams of Santa Clara and greater environs. Too scared to make a yard. Just like against the Falcons. And Russell drove the ball down like a virtuoso, because he is.
Until Petey got a delay of game from the 1-foot line (after the spike). Incomplete, then DPI not called on 3rd down (meh), then an inch and a half SHORT on 4th down. Criminy. Some trading of stupids, but it sure as fuck made for good dramatics. 9 seconds, so Janeane has to sneak it out…and does so perfectly. What a sucker punch. Game of inches, indeed.
Your Final AFC Playoff Ordering:
1) BAL; 2) KC; 3) NE; 4) HOU(i); 5) BUF; 6) TN
Your Final NFC Playoff Ordering:
1) SF(SC); 2) GB; 3) NO; 4) PHI; 5) SEA; 6) MN
The NFL has ample flaws, but you can’t say it’s boring. Not in 2019, and hopefully not in the coming month-ish. Keep on enjoying the ride, however long it may last. And Fuck the P*ts. Pardon any nonsense, a series of poor life decisions led to my being awake from 9:50a on Saturday, through near midnight tonight. It’s a good thing my career needs little attention at present. 😀
There’s a new post up.
Bragger.
Good Kitty.
That’ll teach her to open it up on both ends at teh same time, huh?
NO BALLS THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!!!!
I will never get sick of this video.
https://giant.gfycat.com/OddballGraciousChimpanzee.mp4
If anything ever needed to be set to the Benny Hill Theme, that be it.
Congrats to the Raiders for locking up Incognito for 2 more years.
Oh, wait…I thought they actually locked him up, like in a shed or something. But they gave him a two year contract. That’s stupid and awful.
Hey, people who have been dipshits for 30+ years can change!
Now he can buy a she-she-er She Shed.
Strongly considering the ‘Ville ML (currently +170) and UVa (currently +455)
WHAT SAY YOU, HIPPO?
(non-Hippo guy thinks Virgin-ya gonna get spanked)
Probably so. But +455 is tempting.
I have UVA, considered Ville but passed.
Josh McDaniels is the person all these teams that suck want to interview. Have they not seen how the Patriots offense has sucked this season? The Browns are all excited about him, so you know it’s going to be a losing situation.
He’s little Napoleon too; that always works out great.
Jameis wants $30 million a season? Everyone I’ve heard thus far has scoffed at this.
However, let’s have fun with speculation.
Jameis signs with the Browns. The Browns are used to interceptions. However, they are not used to 5000 passing yards in a season. It gives that team hope. The Browns are just dumb enough to believe this is the answer they may have been seeking all along. They will trade Mayfield to the Washington team for a couple of mid-round picks, and these teams will continue to suck for years to come.
I’m not saying it’s true, but it’s so crazy it might just happen.
I’m not sure there’s enough glue in the world to sniff for it, but it WOULD be mighty entertaining.
Jimmy Haslam is the reason I don’t go to Pilot Flying J stops, which committed fraud against many a persons, and claims he was innocent. I’m not sure he is the best person for making decisions, which is why they will continue to suck.
5,000 yards this season. Completed!?!
If you add in the passes he threw to the other team it’s probably closer to 6,000.
All teams going into the playoffs.
It should be VERY entertaining…. to me at least.
Can you guys start the Las Vegas Raiders jokes now? Please.
Dallas getting knocked out and the P*ts getting knocked down = a very good weekend. Especially the LOLphins.
Bolles has been playing substantially better in the last five games and that call was bullshit ticky-tack. That said; substantially better than really shitty = way below average.
There was weird ref’ing that benefited both teams…… and no one. The game was weird enough to fit right in with a typical Donks v. Waidas and fitting for the final “Oakland.”
My kids really enjoyed the game. It had all the craziness one needed for the casual fan, who could overlook some of the dumb-dumb stuff (based on neither team being much good).
Now that I am less sleep deprived, I don’t mind if he stays for 2020, so long as we don’t pick up the 5th year option AND draft a successor in the 2nd round (at latest).
Agreed, draft two tackles. Right and left, maybe even a ‘middle’ tackle.
I get the need for a CB and a better 2nd WR…but I’d be happy if like every pick in the first 4 rounds was OL or DL.
Middle Tackle is also a sex position. Granted they need both lines, but no reaches for position if a WR or CB is substantially higher on the board rounds 2 through infinity; pick the best player.
“How many QB’s can I take in a draft?”
-J. Elway, around a mouthful of oats
He usually only takes one; this one is batter than the others, which means he may use a high pick on someone taller.
The last two drafts have been solid; that almost makes up for one of three failed years.
The ONLY good FA was Kareem Jackson.
I am sticking with my view of Lock as “Catler without the shitty personality” which is 100% a QB you can win with. Glad to be off the roller coaster for a few years, hopefully.
Much of Catler’s “shitty personality” was local sports media creation; he openly, and justifiably had disdain for them. He is not as tough as Catler, but also does not have overconfidence in his arm that Catler did. He seems like he’ll work hard to learn, his footwork and offensive knowledge have improved vastly already.
maybe “more coachable” and “seems super popular in the locker room” are better descriptors.
Catler’s teammates loved him, a fact that the local media jock sniffers always ignored. ‘More coachable’ is probably fair.
Boy, is Perna buzzing with joy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxzormD_irE
Freddie “Burn EVERYTHING” Kitchens… Barely related:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCnebZnysmI
The two teams that played last night? The Donks are 10-20 players away from being that good of a team.
The Rivers stuff was nice.
Really want the Tomsulas to win now. Also not sure if my heart can take Tomsulas/SeaTruthers 3 in the divisional round. But I bet it goes down to the last possession if we get it.
Agreed [what??]
Donks are second in AFC West; the AFC West SUCKS.
Still, though – SILVER MEDAL WOO!!!!! 😀
So, you’re saying that at least for the moment you’re
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSdBtoIIYT4
oh yeah, and falling out of the Top 10 makes the “5th year option” price on a potential franchise OT or CB much more affordable ,, ppl forget that
A Denver based horror movie.
That unnecessary own goal on the Flacco contract costs us like $13.5M next season. BLECH. Certainly that’s CHJ’s ticket out of town, though it’s really probably time anyway.
That was Elway’s decision.
They will still have cap room though, amazingly enough. I think Harris is a stabilizing factor in the backfield, but he is probably gone.
Participation trophy!!
Stop spreading these lies. Everyone knows the AFC West is where the best team in the entire league sits at 12-4. And then you have teams that are just about as good as the Cowboys, followed by the token team from San Diego.
Hope that the bye does Mahomes-y some good, KC v. the BAL/TN winner would be a fun AFC Title match.
But QB has to at least be at 85-90%, or it ain’t happening.
I’m okay with that; it will mean we had already celebrated P*ts Schadenfreude Day.
Not hating the Chefs feels weird, but they’ve never had a likable combination like Fat Andy and Mahomes. Their non-snarky praise and thanks of/for the Dolphins and BloodSugarFitzMagic was pretty cool.
My P*ts hate overrides my Chefs hate…… FOR NOW.
Like I said; the division SUCKS.
*Not quite as bad as the NFC East.
I suppose I shouldn’t complain about the Chiefs getting the bye, as it vastly increases their chances of going one-and-done in the playoffs without a free creampuff wild card win. Though it would have been delightful to see the Titans humiliate them again.
“We’re missing out on cream puffs? What the hell!?!”
-A. Reid
It can’t be as humiliating as the loss to the Colts in the 2013 wild card game. So embarrassing.
You forgot the most important part of yesterday’s results, for us REAL fans that don’t root for those glory-boy, playoff-bound teams: THE DRAFT ORDER!
1. Cincinnati (2-14)
2. Washington (3-13)
3. Detroit (3-12-1)
4. NY Giants (4-12)
5. Miami (5-11)
6. LA Chargers (5-11)
7. Carolina (5-11)
8. Arizona (5-10-1)
9. Jacksonville (6-10)
10. Cleveland (6-10)
11. NY Jets (7-9)
12. Oakland (7-9)
13. Indianapolis (7-9)
14. Tampa Bay (7-9)
15. Denver (7-9)
16. Atlanta (7-9)
17. Cowboys (8-8)
18. Pittsburgh (to Miami) (8-8)
19. Chicago (to Oakland) (8-8)
20. LA Rams (to Jacksonville (9-7)
Bless you for this! I was way too stupid to process anything remotely resembling maths by the end of the night.
[insert whatever is in the “medicine” cabinet] is a hell of a drug.
WOOOOOooooooo!!! Two picks to squander! DUUUUUUUVAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!
A reach for the first one and a bust for the second, or visa versa?
Yes.
Just took a look at an NFL Mock Draft and they have the Cowboys taking a safety out of LSU, Grant Delpit, who is rated really highly but doesn’t like tackling people.
So he oughta fit right in, because the Cowboys couldn’t tackle paperwork, let alone a football player, in the second half of the season.
Why? At any point, but especially now.
Shits and giggles. Other than Burrows to the Bungles and maybe the DE from tOSU to the Giants none of it means anything.
Congratulations, Redshirt
Hey, the Pats made it to Wild Card weekend
Best part – thanks to the delightful way we find to suck at the most innopportune moments, we’re a week away from a Tex/Tits divisional round game presence 😀
Damn it; that’s hilarious.
Tits gonna win.
That would be delicious.
MORE BLOODLETTING! Bruce Allen is OUT as Redacted’s football czar, shortly before Ron Rivera is IN as coach. The Allen move was unexpected, as no leaks about his personal life surfaced from Landover in the last two weeks
“Giants Won’t Fire Gettleman
NY will retain GM after firing Pat Shurmur this morning”
Well, that surely brightened my day 😀
To be fair Gettleman really needs more time for his players/program to take effect.
I say this as a Cowboys fan with a vested interest in making sure the Giants continue to suck.
So, do we have someone else shoved out outside for Freddie “Basically Tomsula without the charm” Kitchens and Pat Shurmur? Also, can we just detain the Clapper if he survives today for blackmail… the season’s underachievement is proof enough?
Commitment? I’ve watched/listened to all Bengals games since 2000. That’s commitment and settling and irrational devotion all in one.
When you inevitably snap and go on a roaring vehicular rampage make sure to have some Bengals merch in the car and they’ll let you out for “time served” XD … Or depending on the jury, you may be acquitted, ’cause you’ve clearly had some valid reasons XD
That fine line between “commitment” and “getting committed”
Finally got around to watching the Dolphins Pats game (sidebar: WHY THE FUCK is the US the only place doing the X @ Y format, when everyone else is doing Home Vs Visitors… Seriously, it’s not the metric system, so you can use it?) … anyway, it’s lolbad. Can we like just send the team with the best record that didn’t make the playoffs (that isn’t the fucking Yinzers) in our place, ’cause I’m not seeing us winning against the Titans, let alone someone else…
We list draws 3rd in overall record, too. 😀
That’s because they’re the asterisk that shows both teams were so equally mehtastic together that noone got the balls to win or lose ! 😀
Cant be 1 and done in the playoffs if you dont make the playoffs
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EM_0TJ-W4AELW3c?format=jpg&name=small
RYDS = Rayados = Striped Ones = Nickname for the Monterrey squad that won Liga MX Apertura championship by penalties last night!